Stop Pissing Me Off What to Do When the People You Work with Drive You Crazy (13 page)

requests that get results

If you want to deal with any issue that has the potential to be emotionally charged, and you want to get results, try an approach that I call 1-2-3 Go! Here’s how it works:

1. Say something to the person that implies understanding or appreciation. 2. Make a behaviorally specific (doable) request. (It has to be something the person can do or say, or it’s not

behaviorally specific.)

3. Add more appreciation and understanding.

4. Go away; do not nag, hover, or whine.

Let’s go back to Isabella. There were several behaviors she needed to change, making it a more complex series of requests.

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One request might be:

1. “I know how busy you are, but I need you to soften your requests to staff members. We appreciate how much work you manage to get done around here! You’re one

of our most productive directors.” (
appreciation and
understanding
)

2. “Before you ask staff to do something, would you please take the time to ask if they’re busy, and if they have time to take on an extra project?” (
doable request
) 3. “I know that this may seem like a picky thing to you, but, trust me; it will make a world of difference to our busy programmers.” (
understanding
) “Thank you.”

(
appreciation
)

4. Go away; do not hover or nag.

Of course, making these kinds of requests requires you to figure out what you want, something many of us dither about. You may know that someone bugs you, or that when you are around the other person, it’s like oil and water, but you can’t put your finger on what it is. Thus, you need to ponder and reflect on what it is and what reasonable change that person could make. Complete personality transplants are not an option! You have to sort through behavioral, performanceimpacting changes that can be made and personality differences that you may need to understand and accept. Simply being annoyed by someone else’s personality is not a sufficient reason for that person to have to make a change. Issues that affect your ability to perform, or your team’s ability to meet their goals, are worth examining. Reread Chapter 3 if you’re still confused about this.

Again, focus on the specific behavior you want to change. It has to be something that the person could say or do that

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would actually make a difference in the outcome of your performance or the performance of your team or organization. If nothing that they say or do would actually make a difference in your own or team performance, then you need to stop and examine your motives and expectations.

You need to understand why a person drives you crazy. Is it something that “triggers” you? A trigger reminds you of someone or something in the past that was problematic, traumatic, or associated with unpleasantness. If for example, you were constantly criticized as a child and then overcompensated for that criticism by becoming a perfectionist, any workplace criticism may “trigger” painful memories that cause you to overreact. A trigger may also be something that reminds you of your own shadow side. If you’re constantly trying to hide or repress your own temper, you may avoid or clash with someone else who has a bad temper. We all have a darker side of our personality that we try to repress or deny. It’s important that you don’t impose your own triggers or shadow side on your coworkers. You have no right to darken the doorsteps of colleagues with our own issues. If you’re struggling with such an issue, take action. Seek out a trusted adviser; access the confidential employee assistance program at your work, if it’s offered. Use a journal, see a therapist, talk to your doctor, seek out a spiritual adviser, or get other assistance. If you have decided that the issue that’s bugging you is affecting performance—yours or others—and that there is something the offending party could say or do differently, craft a specific request. Before you make the request, try roleplaying with someone you trust. Then make the request. Walk away and give the person the opportunity and some time to make the change. If the behavior doesn’t change, return and repeat the request. If that still doesn’t work, repeat one more time before you raise the stakes and step up the action.

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Here are some examples of vague requests and specific behavioral-based changes:

vAGue

SPecific

Stop bothering me!

I can’t work when you stand by my desk

and talk. Please stop.

Don’t be rude to customers.

Greet each customer when he or she

arrives. Ask how you can help the

customer.

Don’t harass the women.

Please don’t make comments about your

col eagues’ appearance.

consequences that command attention

Once you’ve repeated the request a total of three times, you can shift to a higher gear. This involves adding consequences to your request. For instance, suppose you’ve asked your coworker three times to stop using his speakerphone because it disturbs your work. Yet he still is doing the same @#$%

thing! Add a consequence to the sequence. The next request would look like this:

1. “I know how much you like to use your speakerphone, and I appreciate that sometimes you remember not to

do that when I’m working. I understand how hard it can be to change a habit.” (
appreciation or understanding
) 2. “I need you to remember not to use it at all when I’m in the office. Please talk on the phone instead.” (
specific
behavioral request
)

3. “I’m sorry to have to take this step, but if it happens again, I’m going to have to talk to our manager about

this. I simply can’t get my work done when you do this.”

(
add consequence
)

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4. “Thank you. Again, I know how hard it can be to change and I appreciate your taking these steps for me.” (
appreciation and understanding
)

5. Go! Walk away; do not nag, complain, or whine.

Then, of course, if your colleague keeps using the speakerphone, you will need to follow through. The biggest mistake in this process is to delineate consequences and then not pull the trigger. It turns a consequence into an empty threat. When you implement the consequence and talk to the manager, use the same 1-2-3-Go! format. It’s your problem, and you need to find a way to deal with it. A conversation with the manager might go like this:

1. “Ms. Manager, I appreciate how busy you are but I really need to talk to you about Steve Speakerphone.

Do you have a minute right now?” (
appreciation or
understanding
)

2. “I have asked Steve Speakerphone to stop using his speakerphone three times and he keeps doing it. This

is affecting my performance. I can’t concentrate and,

as a result, I’m not hitting my targets. I really need you to talk to him and get him to stop.” (
doable request
) 3. “I really appreciate your handling this problem.”

(
appreciation or understanding
)

4. Listen to any concerns the manager has and then Go!

Do not whine, complain, or nag.

Be sure to focus on the impact the person’s behavior has on your performance or the performance of your team. Remember, if it’s not impacting your performance, the performance of your team, or the organization as a whole, it’s not your manager’s problem!

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What if the manager doesn’t respond or doesn’t do what you ask? Then you need to repeat your request with her three times. This repetition works best if you don’t whine or complain about having to repeat. In fact, start fresh every time with a smile, or at the very least have a pleasant look on your face. If you let your annoyance show, you’ve undermined your effort. Perhaps your manager has just been too busy to deal with the problem. Perhaps she forgot, or was hoping that the problem would just go away. It never serves you to bring up her lack of focus. People just don’t respond well when you point out flaws. It’s a sure way to put your manager on the defensive. Graciousness will do the opposite.

iF you’re still Being ignored

After three times, and only then, can you ratchet up the consequences. At this point it’s a matter of diplomacy. You must analyze your relationship with your manager and ask yourself a crucial question: How important is this issue? Once you determine the importance of the issue, you can decide on one of three options:

n Drop it.

n Go back to your manager and tell her that if she can’t or won’t deal with it, you need to get her manager or Human Resources involved.

n Go directly to the HR folks and ask them to handle the issue discreetly.

Of course, the problem with this kind of escalation is obvious. Your manager may never forgive you for your end run. One way to protect yourself is to e-mail your thanks to your

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manager every time you ask for her help, repeating, in that e-mail, what you requested and thanking her in advance for helping you with this problem. This technique serves two purposes: it reminds her and any higher-ups that you did, indeed, do everything possible to try to get her help, and it also gives you a paper trail to back up your belief that you were totally reasonable and professional in trying to solve the problem.
Managing our own emotions

All of this sounds so very reasonable, doesn’t it? So why doesn’t everyone act this way? For a very simple reason: We don’t manage our own emotions. We tend to wait too long to bring up issues and we also often haven’t tamed our own minds and hearts. According to psychologists, if we wait too long, we get “flooded” with our emotions and the emotions overtake our minds. We literally lose our minds—at least the part that prompts us to think before we speak. Experts have found that men flood more often than do women, but that it can still affect all of us.

Instead of waiting, it’s far more effective to strengthen your own
executive function
, the part of your brain that serves as the orchestra conductor (see Chapter 5) and make sure that you use your executive function instead of the emotional part of your brain.

The nasty truth is that some of us simply do not think before talking. All too often, we try to use talking to figure out what it is we’re thinking and feeling. That type of freeform exploration may work in a therapy session—but not in the workplace. You should think
before
talking. When you’re dealing with a difficult coworker, you need to take time to cool down before you blow your top.

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Blowing off steam with someone removed from the situation may help. Ideally, you should select someone from the outside: a counselor, priest, or even a friend or spouse. Emote, emote, and emote! with your sympathetic listener and get it out of your system. Writing in a journal can also be therapeutic. All of this pre-work will serve you well when you actually sit down with your coworker.

tell the truth Fast

Part of the reason many of us blow up so readily is that we wait too long to verbalize our grievances. Develop the habit of bringing up small things that bug you before they become large things. Making tiny, specific, and skillful requests in the 1-2-3-Go! format can manifest great results. If you establish this kind of relationship with your coworkers early on it can help you avoid much pain down the line. My rule: Tell the truth fast; just make sure that you do it as a skillful request, and not a complaint. As mentioned earlier, complaints and whining are 100 percent useless in relationships—whether work related or personal. Use this slogan from now on when you hear yourself complaining or whining: Gee, I could have made a request instead!

If you doubt the concept of telling the truth fast, consider the experience of Ron Suskind, Pulitzer Prize–winning reporter and bestselling author of
The One Percent Doctrine:
Deep Inside America’s Pursuit of Its Enemies Since 9/11
. He explained that he gets subjects to talk about things they don’t want to talk about by telling them to trust the truth. “Truth is what works. It works in your personal life. It works in discussions between citizens and their government, between employees and their bosses. It just does.”

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avoid regrets!

You are not going to like this rule, I promise you, but it is one of the most important in this cyber-age: When you’re dealing with a difficult coworker, you must, must, must meet them in person and never address the issue via e-mail. If you can’t make your requests face-to-face, you must pick up the phone and have a real-time conversation—not just leave voice mails. Once relationships tank, e-mailing only escalates the feud. It’s impossible to interpret meaning through e-mail. You miss the facial expressions and emotional tone that provide the all-important context for a discussion. What is context?

It’s the meaning that you give to the words someone uses. As Lewis Carroll wrote in
Alice in Wonderland
, “When
I
use a word, it means just what I choose it to mean—neither more nor less.” We all speak and hear through our own private language. Without the emotions and guidance of someone’s face and gestures, we’re hopelessly muddled.

In the mediations that I’ve covered in recent years, at least four of them were called to address conflict caused by e-mailing. One example: A woman filed a harassment complaint against her boss. Her complaint? He did everything using email, all of her assignments, communications, and so on. He even did her performance review by e-mail. The kicker? His office was right next door to hers!

In another situation, a high-tech company hired me to work with a group of developers. This team was so conflicted they couldn’t even get the product out the door. They flew me in to observe their weekly staff meeting. The developers all tromped in with their laptops.