Stork Naked (34 page)

“I can't wait only longer. I want to get home with Prize. Please, can't we just go now?”

Che looked around at the others. “Any objections?”

There were none. So they summoned the stork attendant. “This one,” Che said, indicating the picture.

Then they walked out of the Stork Works. Everything looked familiar. Now that they had chosen, Surprise was having second or third thoughts, averaging two and a half thoughts. Should they have checked the sixth reality?

Serenity turned to Che. “I believe your destiny has been fulfilled. I hope the change in Xanth history is minimal. Thank you for rescuing me.”

“You are welcome,” he said.

She became the huge Simurgh, spread her wings, and took off. In three quarters of a moment she was gone.

“That's one big bird,” the peeve said. It seemed that it was unable to field a good insult for a bird that awesome.

A stork approached Stymy. It was Stifle, who had been officer of the day at the Information Office. “It is good to see you again, Head Stork.”

Surprise was astonished. “You are Head Stork? I thought you were just a routine delivery stork with a troubled record.”

“It would be complicated to explain,” Stymy said. “But I owe it to you. You have my deepest appreciation.”

“But I didn't do anything for you,” she protested. “You were the one helping me.”

“It was what you didn't do,” Stymy said mysteriously. “Believe me, you will never have a problem with any future delivery.” He turned to Stymie. “And you will be my consort, of course, with authority beyond any other stork. I am truly glad to have found you.”

“I am glad too,” Stymie said. They clicked beaks.

“What birdbrained mush,” the peeve remarked.

“Now if you will excuse me,” Stymy said to the others, “I have a business to attend to.”

“Of course,” Surprise said faintly.

The two storks departed back into the Stork works.

“Do you need transport to Lion Mountain?” Che asked Pyra.

“No, thank you kindly. Finn and I will make our own way there, and wade through the swamp. But—” She hesitated.

“There is something else?”

“After you make your settlement with Surprise, will you come and make it similarly with me? Finn will understand.”

Che stared at her. “I don't understand.”

But suddenly Surprise did. “The love elixir! When you crossed with him you got splashed!”

“Something like that,” Pyra agreed. “I do not wish to interfere in his life, but the effect lingers until abated.”

“I can't commit to that,” Che said.

“Perhaps not,” Pyra agreed sadly. “But you do know where to find me, if there should be occasion.” She turned to Surprise. “I'm glad you prevailed. You may never know how important your victory was.”

“But all I did was recover my baby.”

“That too.” Then Pyra and Finn set off by foot on their own.

“I hate it when folk talk in riddles,” the peeve said.

“Don't we all,” Che agreed.

That left Che, Surprise, and the three children. “Do you wish to assume a flying form?” Che asked.

“I'm afraid to.”

“She's afraid to fly!” Ted exclaimed, laughing.

“In a manner,” Surprise agreed. Her illicit passion for Che remained, and clearly his remained for her. She dared not assume a feasible form lest they both got carried away. How were they ever going to get rid of that?

“I believe I can carry the four of you,” Che said. “If you will hold Woe Betide so she doesn't fall off.”

“No need,” Woe said. “The mission is done.” She fuzzed and became Metria. “Come on, kids. I'll take you domicile.”

“Where, Mom?” Ted asked dutifully.

“Lodgings, habitation, house, dwelling, abode—”

“Home?” Monica asked.

“Whatever,” she agreed crossly.

The two children laughed. Metria glanced at Surprise. “Thank you for the babysitting.”

“Thank you for what Woe Betide did.”

Then Metria became a ball of smoke that enfolded them, and all three were gone.

“We're alone,” Surprise said nervously.

“Almost,” the peeve said.

“Perhaps,” Che agreed. He did not need to remind her that the demoness was not necessarily as absent as she seemed. She was surely quite curious about what Pyra had said, and wanted to see what they did when they had the chance.

“Please fly me home.”

“Gladly.”

She got on his back, he flicked her and Prize to make them light, and took off.

Was there a ghostly sigh of disappointment in the air?

“You know it can't be,” Che said.

“I know.”

“Yet—”

“I know,” she repeated.

The peeve said nothing. It knew there was something, but that an insult would not accomplish anything.

That was all, externally. They flew across the landscape to her house. Che landed and she got off, feeling her weight recovering.

“Will you be all right?” Che asked.

“I hope so. Now go home to Cynthia.”

“I am eager to rejoin her.”

“As I am to rejoin Umlaut.”

“We do love our spouses.”

“We do.”

He spread his wings and took off, circling upward. She waited a moment, and when she saw him glance back her way, she waved. He waved, then set off straight for his home.

“Some day you will have to tell me what's going on between you two,” the peeve said.

“I'll tell you now: we waded through the love elixir together, but never consummated the urge. Don't tell.”

“My beak is sealed.”

Prize gazed at the peeve and smiled. It was as if the baby were rewarding the bird for its constancy. Prize had become the most important human being in the peeve's life.

Surprise turned and walked toward the house she had left three days before, carrying her baby. All she had done was recover the baby that should have been delivered without a challenge. Yet how much else had happened along the way!

The peeve peered at the house. “That's odd.”

As she came to the door, it opened. Umlaut stood there. “Surprise! You're home! I worried, but the Good Magician said you were on a special mission and would return soon.”

“I was, and did,” Surprise agreed, kissing him. “This is Prize, our new baby.”

“Great! I had this weird dream that the stork got fouled up on your age. I'm glad that wasn't so.”

Surprise kissed him again, then saw something odd. The house—it was the one she knew, certainly—but it was facing the opposite direction. That was what the peeve had noticed.

Could they be in a wrong reality after all? One whose present was the same, but whose history and conventions differed slightly? Were illicit trysts feasible here? She shuddered, dismissing the possibility. She must have misremembered about the house.

“Was the mission interesting, dear?”

“You have no idea.”

Sometimes I wonder whether it was a mistake to turn 70. I had been living a reasonably healthy life, eating well—by that I mean, following a healthy vegetarian diet—exercising, and in general keeping my body and mind in good order. But then things started going wrong. I developed a backache, and soon after I passed 70, an X-ray of my spine showed severe degenerative disk disease. I had to have an MRI—Magnetic Resonance Imaging—which is like being electronically sliced into eighty thin slivers, and take physical therapy sessions, where young women instructed me in various leg bending and stretching exercises, and massaged my spine. I had a front tooth replaced by an expensive implant—and in three weeks it fell out, and I had to have a bone graft there to serve as a basis for a replacement tooth implant. That will take months; meanwhile as I type this, I have a nice hole in my face that makes folk avert their gaze, especially when I smile. It turns out that my prostate is also enlarging; that may or may not be mischief. I wonder what sort of physical therapy they have for that?

At this time Florida was also hit by four hurricanes. We have a repulsion spell to keep them away from us, and that has worked well the past fifteen years, but maybe its batteries got weak, because Hurricanes Frances and Jeanne headed determinedly for us and didn't miss by much. Charley and Ivan also took dead aim on us but were diverted. Male eyes do divert more readily than female eyes. The spell did weaken the ladies' power so all we got were gale-force winds, but that was enough to take out our electric power for a week. We sweltered, and had to throw out our once-frozen or refrigerated food. We flushed toilets by dipping buckets of water from the pool, and ate ambient-temperature meals. We visited our daughter to get showers, as it does get stinky tiresome to be grubby for a week.

So much for my deteriorating personal life. Of course this novel remained in stasis, because my notes and text were locked in the computer. I did make penciled notes covering the midsection, though. When the power returned—ah, relief!—I caught up on backlogged correspondence and resumed writing, and did manage to complete the novel on schedule, as can be seen.

Now before you say that I did lose some marbles from my hollow skull, let me explain that yes, I know there is no reference here to the feeding of a newborn baby, and that babies don't smile in the first few days, unless they're having gas pains. They don't go for days without having natural functions that require diapers and cleaning up. Neither do they recognize green birds and say “Coo!” I have to make something clear: this is Fantasy. If a stork brings a baby, instead of the more messy procedure they seem to prefer in Mundania, surely that baby can prosper without having to be fed in a way that might freak out more conservative readers. Okay?

Of course there were one and a half slews (translation: about 175) of reader suggestions, and I did my best to use them up, with certain exceptions. Some fit so well for the next novel, Air Apparent, that I reserved them for that. Some related to the children of characters who do not appear in this novel, so I saved them for when they can appear onstage, as it were. But the rest were used, up through about SapTimber 2004. I regret that some excellent ideas were given short shrift, simply because there are more good ideas than room in the novel. The development of reader-suggested characters into significant ones, such as Azalea and Pyra, was mostly random; they were there when I needed characters.

Here is the list of credits, in the approximate order of use in the novel. The occasional @ symbols denote the email names of contributors, when I lacked their mundane monikers: Title Stork Naked from a Looney Tunes cartoon, and story of a forgetful stork—Barbara J. Hagman. Demon Ted and DeMonica as main characters—Jeannette Nelson. Adult Conspiracy started with Ivy—Darryl R. White. Summoning spots on the wall to analyze—Sabbir Muhit. Spoken words become tangible shapes for art—

Susan Cormier. Lighthouse—Michael Irelan. Talent of summoning flying rugs, conjuring useful elixirs, showing what's happening to someone in a hologram—Erin McKee. Talent of confusion—Sonja. Liquid of beer-barrel tree cures a blue nose—William Bennett. Talent of granting wishes only for those with wishes for others—Glenn Mundee. Pleasant Tree—Bailey@. Ash Tree—Ashley Leonard. In-fan-tree, with its unusual fans—Rochelle Boku (Chelle Bell). Ann Serr with the answer—Susan K. Holt. Gross Prophet—Jon Conyers. Thesaurus gives Metria words—Max Jenkins. Dyslexicon—Adam Bracken. Unclear missives of Cuba—Dale Smith. Woe Betide as a character, Simurgh missing, Phrases becoming literal—Nickelle Ismert. Woe Betide as match girl with magic matches—Marvin J. Cox. Demon Ted puts reverse wood on stork—Gina Joven and family. Demon Ted part of a hostile takeover of the Stork Works—Ted Ball.
Storks summon the Man—Phillip J. Houx. Gold, Silver, Copper, and extinct Ivory Coasts—SMoon Woman. Stork loses baby's name in forget whorl—Roxanne Gill. Stork-eating monster—Timothy Ferguson. Lazy storks attach talent to body instead of soul, Punapple Pie—Carolyn Bolger. Stork nests in Iberian cathedrals—Crystal Purcell. A kiss that half-summons the stork—Matthew Presley. F-Bomb makes folk explode with profanity—Vincent Champeau. Azalea, raised by flower fairies—Aaron Ellis. Lion Mountain—Al Horton. Pyra—Bailey. Lotus who talks to flowers, Celest summoning falling stars—Laura Munion. Talent of growing plants on animals—Phun Pun. Talent of the validity of numbers—Dawn Queen. Punderground—John a Tolle. Stopwatch—Joey Morris. Square Meal—Terese Couture. Baby Shower—Lars Cook. Werehouse, Hair Die—Dorian Jensen. Iron Knees—Adam Kestle. Eyer—Coleen Fleshman.
Kidnapper—Anne Berlioux. Olive Yew—Little Safiétou. Infant Tile, Penned Ants, Juven Isle, Bellied Ants, Adam Ant, buzzard, Rose Quartz—Anna Bryant. Congenial Tea—Dale Brown. Age Spots—Summer Wilson. The faun & nymph game—Rachita Jain. Pun Gents—David J. Barone. Escape Root—Greg Biscoping.
The Loch Ness Monster's siblings—Spader Dunno. Twins Kalt and Frosteind—Cooper and Bernadette. Talent of making any drink from any liquid—Zach Brenske. Wade, who wades through any depth of water—Wade Moriarty. Imp Otence—Joe Leather, Leslie Patterson. Weed Whacker—Jessica Davis. Backpack, diskette—Kayla Michelle Swenson. Talent of being harmed by words, not physical things—Sarah Husbands. Com Plication—Joanne Tessier. Pete Za—Gabe
Pesek. Aaron placing wings on objects—Curtis White. Nikki and Clarabelle—Carmin Rose. Dave—Bob Seaman. Billy Applegate—Joshua Watson. Philomena “Mena”—Sherylina & Deborah Leonardi. Ass Fault—Wade Svec. Chasta—Barbara Spencer. Razor Glade—Rachel. Gordian Nut—Gary Appenzeller. Demon S cross-dressing—Stephanie Lindlief. Mountain Peeks—Katie Van Brunt. Cash Shoe—Jay Yates. Tooth Brush—Candace Heath. Goof Ball—Breanna Kay. VooDoo talent—Emioprotector967. Soap Box—Bridgette Allen. Magic pills—Brian Cuz. Steel Wool—Del Branham. Rows Seeds—Arlis. Spunky Dog—Joshua Watson. Hercules Dog—Kristina Haydee Rivera. A stitch in thyme saves Nine—Ryan Robert Richardson. Being spotted—Bobbi Nunn. Spoonerisms in Xanth—Kermit Scheaffer, relayed by Dave Pierce. Roseate spoonbills uttering spoonerisms—Carol Jacob. Sophia Isadora—Laura Stansell.
Devin McClane Kowalick—Rachel Kowalick. Thinnet—David Kaplan. Ark-hives—Nehemiah Lewrel. Invest-i-gators—Stephen English. Talent of repressing a single memory in someone—Summer Lei Shidler. Barbie Que—Elihu Hernandez. Ten-tongued wolf/ram (tungsten)—Mike Bennett. Hidey, who hides—Ethan Suntag. Talent of interpreting dreams—Lydia Nelson. Denizens live in dens—Kevin. Metria's Buick Rock—Stephen and Padraic Kenny. High C, middle C, low C—Damirel249@. The Mariner—Jason Rashid Floyd. Diana—Daphne Johnson. Dark and Stormy Knight—Albert J. Gallant. Chaska, human/demon girl—Brianna & Chris Haining. Vitamin Sea—Michael Ybarra. Challenge and Chellony Centaur—Amanda Howard. Who assigns talents for late adults?—Jessica Lee. Minor talents of Trent's soldiers—Ed Starr. D. Flate neutralizing Filly Buster—Gabe Pesek. Lazy bone cures WORK ethic curse—Robert Pickthall.
Diary/diarrhea plant—Christopher Walsh. Magic/Mundane (manic/depressive) cycling—Jim Seawright. Talent of reading minds only when people are thinking bad or evil, talent of switching locations with another person—Monica Marie Ruiz. Fingers that shave off hair—Jason Vasquez. Fannie's Fans—Kelley Huston. Chicken Pox—Timothy Pierce-Tomlin. Lice make a person lie—Yasir. James controlling sunbeams, Scott dematerializing atoms—Tim Jorgenson. Lliane and Lliana making illusions real or real thing illusion—Rebecca Heath. Jean Poole and her ancestry—Robbie Demko. Fairy Tails—Jeff Steinbrugge. Pummelgranites—Timothy Fox. Explanation for Surprise's talents, twin sisters who make anything grow on trees, or switch Xanth and
Mundane trees—Courtney Loose. Donald, Dolph and Nada's son—Sam Blanchard. Guilt Trip—Devonia Newsom. Punk Rock with bad attitude—Gary Bushman. Sick Leaves—Colin Virshup. Circle Drive and fork—Elijah Reynold. Blonde centaur/unicorn crossbreed—Eylsia Brenner. Prime Monister—Ryan Bennett. Cassy and Caitlin Centaur—Caitlin Elyssabeth Harris. Mt. Pinatuba on a moving saucer—Jason Kincaid. Mustard seed's amount of faith moved Pinatuba—Steve Fisher. Akimbo who makes tangles, Extricate who sorts out tangles—Ryan “Ogre” Johnson. Teddy Bare, who makes folk naked—Ryan Bennett. Arlis, always called by a nickname—Arlis Monzeglio. Talent of tying things in nots—Susan Gingrich. Skyla—mistress of the sky—Agent Llyr. Miranda and dog Old—Maria Alina Garcia. Talent of making folk freak out—Tish Overall. Talent of figuring things out—Sonya Hylton. Ability to summon tsoda popka—Stephanie Howard. Cadence, winged centiger—Caitlin Grimsley. Tu-Morrow telling of tomorrow—Ana Novo. Ruth Sutpen and Amber—Chris Bymaster. Werecat with any human form—Raina “Tiger” Neal. Numb Chuck with the nunchaku—Ethan. Leviathan with elf form and mass of whale—Levi Morrow. Evil Sorceress stopped by a child beneath the Adult Conspiracy—Breanna Larson. Auth 'n' Ticity
verifying things—Bailey. Iffy, creating magical items—Cynthia R. Haynes. Levi
who conjures forget whorls—Levi Morrow. Talent of changing the environment with
her emotions—Dina Burgess. Night mares have shoes made of magic dust—Stephanie
Howard. Baby able to change appearance—Kaylynn Johnsen. Talent of making people really cold—Joseph Martin. Serenity, spreading peace—Serenity Wilson. Centaur Isle drifting out of Xanth, needs magic—Timothy D. Koughan. Explanation for Demon Litho and the voles—Jim Delaney.

That's it, until the next. Harpy reading!