Authors: Evelyn Rosado
I walk back out as the group is wrapping up for the evening. Kim, the girl with cornrows from Seattle, comes up to me.
“Hey, Brynn is it?” she says.
“It’s Brynn. Kim right?” I’m hope I don’t come across as fake, but I’m doing the best I can to sound cordial. I just want to go up to my room and be alone.
“I’ve seen you before. I think you’re in my psych class.”
I nod, not realizing I’ve seen her before. And not caring either. “I really just go to class and that’s it. Sorry.”
“That’s okay. It’s a big class.” Where is this conversation going? “You got that look on your face that this group is lame-o. And you might be right. But you might be wrong.”
“What does that even mean?”
“They’ve really helped me out. I’ve been coming to this group since the spring of this year and if it wasn’t for them. I’d probably be back home seeing a shrink that didn’t give two damns about me and was counting down the minutes before my session was up.”
“I don’t think I’ll come back. Just not my thing.”
“True that. Think about it. I was just like you. Never said a word, but just kept coming on back. You don’t have to speak on anything you don’t want to speak about. Just come back. Amy brews a mean cup of tea. Sit back listen. Sometimes you just need to soak everything in and bam one day, it just flows out of you.” I nod. “Shit will be a flood of emotions. Stuff you don’t even remember seeing or experiencing, it comes out. One moment you think you’d never speak to a circle of strangers and the next you realize you’d never know how you’d get by with out them.”
“Look I gotta go.”
“Maybe I’ll see you next Sunday, maybe I wont.”
“But I’ll see you in class for sure.”
“Later.” She slings her bag over her shoulder and walks up the ramp towards the cafeteria to the other dorms.
I make my way past the front desk towards the entrance to my dorm and my stomach tightens like a vice grip.
It’s Aiden.
He’s leaning up against a pinball machine with sunglasses on and folded arms. He has an unlit cigarette in his ear. He never smokes. Oh my fucking God. What the hell is he doing here? He’s stalking me. He’s really stalking me right now. Should I run? Should I scream? What do I do? I don’t know. I freeze. My heart is pounding. Stay cool, Brynn. I keep moving and play it off like I don’t see him, but he cuts my path off.
“Brynn,” he says. His voice is so calm, it frightens me.
“You’re insane,” I say continuing to walk to my dorm entrance.
“I came to check up on you,” he says. I stop. “I heard about what happened.” How did he hear about what happened?
“I should go to dean of students right now and tell him about everything. You have a lot of nerve coming here especially after what you made me do.”
“I didn’t
make
you do anything. You made that choice.” He shuffles his stance and takes his glasses off. His eyes are puffy and sunken. “And I feel like shit about it. It was disgusting of me to even offer that to you. I’m sorry for putting you though that.”
“Stay the fuck out of my life.”
He grabs my hand as I bolt from his presence; my stomach turns as I try to keep its contents from rising into my mouth. I keep my back turned to him, unable to face that man who, at one time, I actually considered getting serious with.
“Your lacrosse coach told me what happened. Are you okay?” I yank my arm away from him.
I turn around.
“This is harassment. Seriously? You went to my coach?”
He shakes his head dismissively. “Not like that. I dropped off some course work to him for you. You’ve missed a lot of class and never answered my texts. I thought perhaps there was something serious going on. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay.”
“Stay away from me. You’re a sick fuck and if I ever see you near me again, I swear to God I will go to the Dean and have you fired.” I rush towards the door, my arms across my chest. I turn around. “I’m dropping your fucking class. Don’t ever come by here again. And I mean that.”
Chapter 7
The next day I go to the lacrosse practice field to catch up with Coach and to see the rest of the girls. I miss them. I still can’t believe Aiden went to Coach about me. At this point, I’m trying my best to not be places by myself. But with Chase out of the picture and Tessa with her sorority stuff and a job, there really isn’t anyone else I can go to.
“That’s it for today girls,” Coach Thompson says after blowing the whistle on today’s practice. It makes me smile to hear that whistle again. I sit on the bleachers and watched the girls do drills and set up formations. It made me realize where my heart truly is. I miss the high fives and the slaps on the butt from the girls. The camaraderie, the competitiveness. It’s what drives me. Before everyone arrived for practice, I took a stroll around the field. I stood on the restraining line, close my eyes and take everything in. I miss the smell of the turf. I miss the way the sun bounces off the blades of grass. I miss the sound of my cleats make swashing through the muddy puddles when it rains. When that helmet is on, the outside world shuts off. I’m one with the game. For those sixty minutes I’m free.
Next Monday, I’ll be at practice, lacing my cleats up for battle. I don’t care if Coach advises me to sit out for the rest of the season. I need to be out there. But that’s not the reason I’m here.
“Rest up. No practice tomorrow. Game on Wednesday,” Coach yells, blowing the whistle marking the end of practice. The girls, sweaty and spent, drag off the field. The practice before the game is always the toughest. He puts us through a gauntlet. Coach comes off the practice field and sees me sitting on the bench. The girls also see me and skip their water break to come over to greet me. Most of them had already called me to see how I was doing, but the tears still flowed. It makes me feel good to know that I was missed. We hug, laugh and they all tell me they miss me and to get well soon and tease me about my big legs. Legs—that’s what they call me. I never knew they liked me so much, I tell them.
“We treat all freshman like shit,” Caprice, the goalie on the team says. “Don’t think you’re special or anything.”
I laugh.
“We miss you Legs,” Janet, another freshman says.
“You just miss the fact that you get more of the freshman hate now that I’m gone.”
“That might have something to do with it,” she says.
“I miss all of you though, I’ll be back. I’ll make sure of it. And I’ll be sure to out-squat all of you in the gym too!”
Brenda, the team captain, cocks her hand back after I made that comment. “Oh, is that right?”
I hold up my palms in protest and keel back. “Okay. Okay. Except for you!”
“Hey kiddo. I didn’t expect to see you here,” Coach says to me as the girls head to the locker room. “You okay?”
“I’m a lot better. Baby steps you know.”
“That’s the best way to do it. You’re a strong girl, you’ll get past this. You know you don’t have to be here right?”
“I know. I just wanted to say hi.” I pause. “And to say thank you for all that you’ve done for me this year. You went above and beyond a coach’s duty. From fighting to keep my scholarship to being at the hospital—”
“This just isn’t about sports. You girls are in the process of becoming women. My responsibility goes beyond x’s and o’s. What kind of human being will let another person squander away all of their potential.”
I nod. “Thanks again coach.”
He looks at me and pauses. “We’ve already had this talk. So why are you
really
here?”
He plants his foot on the bleacher and rests his elbow on his knee.
“It’s about Chase.” I hate to reveal this to him, but I have to. There’s no other way I can find out what he’s hiding from me. Chase isn’t going to tell me himself. “I don’t know how to say this but we’ve been kinda seeing each other.”
He nods. “I kind of figured that would happen.”
“I thought so too, but—”
“He broke up with you didn’t he?” My eyes stretch wide. “When your name his mentioned, that boy’s face lights up like The Fourth Of July. I wasn’t shocked to know that he spent every moment by your side in the hospital.”
“He never left my side.”
“I asked him what he thought about you and he brushed it off like he was just training you. Strictly business. I knew by the look in his eye that he liked you. Normally I just recommend keep things on a professional level but I know how lines can get crossed.”
“But how did you know you about the breakup?”
“He doesn’t like people to get too close. He’s guarded.”
“He said that. I just don’t understand why someone would do that. If you have feelings for someone you don’t push them away.”
“He has his reasons. Trust me.”
“What is he hiding?”
The stadium lights flash off. He looks around and removes the red baseball cap from his head and sighs. “He’s from a rough upbringing. And unfortunately his past has a nasty habit of creeping up into his present. Especially people that are close to him.”
“But why? What happened?”
“I shouldn’t be telling you this—”
I realize he isn’t the person to tell me.
“Then don’t. I don’t want to come between you two. That’s wrong of me to do.”
I look up at the sky. It’s full of purple and orange streaks. The moon is out.
“If he does get around to telling you, don’t let his past push you away. He’s really a good kid.” He puts his hat on and pats me on the shoulder. “Call me anytime if you need me,” he says smiling, walking towards the locker room.
As I sit on the bench, letting the cool breeze flow through me, I take it all in. The salty air, crisp from the Pacific Ocean. I walk up and down the long, green field, decorated with yard markers., reminiscing about when I was back on the team and the stands were full, people cheering us to victory. I felt like I belonged, like I had a purpose at this school. I remember the first game of the year, before the semester even started, we beat a northern California school who at the time was top five in the nation and I scored the winning goal with five seconds left in the game. The team carried me off the field. I never felt a rush like that before.
I’m really fucking up. I have a chance to be apart of something special and I’m blowing it. One day, people are going to stop giving me second chances. If I keep it up that day will be sooner than I think.
“Hey Brynn!” yells, Jimmy, head of the grounds keeping crew from across the field.
“Hey Jimmy!” I yell back to him.
“We miss you. Hurry up and come on back.”
“I’m coming back. Don’t you worry.”
“You take care of yourself.” He pauses. “Hey, do you mind, I’m about to turn the sprinklers on the field.”
“Oh! Sorry. No problem.”
I dart off the field as I hear the synchronized sound of the sprinkler system. Enough reminiscing anyways, it’s starting to get dark out.
It felt good coming here, but I still didn’t find what I was looking for.
I walk past the bleachers as I see a figure, a silhouette of a man but I can’t make out who it is. Probably Brandon, the assistant coach or something cleaning up.
“Brynn,” the voice says emerging from the shadows.
My heart bangs into my throat. It’s Aiden. Again. I put my hand over my heart and my jaw is wide open.
“Aiden,” my voice is raw and full of terror. “How…how did you know I was here?” I say looking around. No one is on the field. I can’t see if Jimmy is still out there or if he can even see me. “You followed me.” My voice quavers.
“I was looking for you.” He has a pair of sunglasses on and a sullen, emotionless look colors the contours of his face.
“But…you…followed me?” I inch away from him. He pursues.
“Of course I followed you.” His voice is distant and monotone, far removed from the seductive, mellow tone he normally speaks with. “How else do you think I’d
find
you? You’re never at your dorm. You haven’t been in class. You don’t return my phone calls.”
“Look, I don’t know what you
think
this is or if this is some type of game to you, but it’s really not cool, okay?” My fingers are stinging. “You’re really crossing the line okay? You’re scaring me.”
He laughs, holding his stomach. “Wait…you think I’m
stalking
you? Are you crazy?”
I don’t believe him.
I walk back away from him slowly. “I don’t care what you think. And I don’t like it.”
“Tell me you don’t miss me right now and you’ll never see me again.”
I look him dead in his eyes. “I don’t miss you, Aiden. At one time I did, okay? But after that day in your office—that was the most degrading thing I’ve ever done. I lost all respect for you.”
“That’s not my fucking fault.” The temper in his voice rises, almost to a groan. “You made a choice. You did! Not me!” His voice rages over the sprinklers. He clutches his hair and bends over. “Why the fuck can’t you see that I’m trying Brynn.” He yanks his glasses off and slams them to the ground.
I grab my keys rushing to my car. “Aiden, if you follow me again, I’m going to the dean…and then to the cops.”
I burst open the gate and hurry to my car.
“Brynn,” he yells. “Brynn please.”
I floor the gas all the way to Chase’s place. The frigid breath of fear wraps over me.
Chapter 8
Surprisingly he’s home. Alone. I stand in his doorway, confused, terrified. There’s no one else I can turn to.
“Come in,” he says. Concern flushes his face.
I walk in. It’s quiet. The television is off. He’s not playing music. My words stammer. “I know you said you don’t want me in your life but—”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Can I just stay here tonight?”
“Absolutely. Did something happen? You don’t look okay.”
“Nothing. I’m just…it’s nothing. Maybe I should go. I don’t want to intrude.”
“No, it’s okay. Please.”
Our eyes lock. My heartbeat settles. All it takes is his look to let me know I’m protected, that I’m safe with him. Regardless of what we are at this point, I know he’d never let anyone or anything harm me.
My throat is tight as our gaze is still held. Every emotion floods through me. Pain, defeat, fear. My breaths are tight and constricted. I don’t know what we are or what he sees me as but I don’t care. I just want to be in his arms, defended from everything that I’m dealing with. He’s shirtless and his muscles looked gorged, like he finished doing dozens of pushups. I bite my lip.