Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals (17 page)
Read Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals Online
Authors: Jeffery Self
HAT IS
B
EER
P
ONG AND HOW DO
I
PLAY
?
The best advice I can give any Heterosexual spotter trying to learn how to play Beer Pong is to enroll in any undergraduate program across America. Beer Pong is to college students as screaming over each other so much that they barely make any point at all is to the cohosts of
The View
.
UT YOU DIDN
’
T TELL ME WHAT IT IS
.
You’re right. Sorry. I got carried away thinking about
The View
. But while we’re on the topic of drinking games, here’s one you might try. The next time you find yourself watching
The View
and having an alcoholic beverage (which shouldn’t be too often since
The View
is a morning talk show and drinking that early in the day is a pretty good sign that you have a problem), take a big swig of your drink every time Whoopi rolls her eyes in disgust at Barbara Walters. Seriously. Try it. You will have alcohol poisoning by the time they get to the first guest.
Much like my
View
drinking game, the object of Beer Pong is to get your fellow players utterly smashed. Two teams compete to land a small plastic ball in each other’s cups. Each time Team A lands a ball in their cup, Team B must chug the cup full of beer, then back and forth until someone wins or passes out.
HAT SHOULD
I
EXPECT AT A GAME OF
B
EER
P
ONG
?
Pandemonium similar to the first scene after they drop off all the tributes in
The Hunger Games
, minus the blood, graphic deaths, and ominous but really well-written film score. Heterosexuals
unleash something inside themselves the minute they begin a game such as Beer Pong, and, if played correctly, it can be almost as much fun as watching
The Hunger Games
and imagining what would happen if the tributes were the cohosts of
The View
.
HAT DO
I
NEED FOR A GAME OF
B
EER
P
ONG
?
A large supply of plastic Solo Cups, the stamina to handle excessive beer consumption, a designated driver, and a tomorrow that can be spent recovering in front of your TV with a bottle of ibuprofen, some Gatorade, and, if you’re like me . . . an episode of
The View
.
The Top Five Ways a Game of Beer Pong Is Similar to
The View
1.
Both led me to skip a countless number of classes while in college.
2.
It’s best to start both having had at least one or two drinks before. To loosen up.
3.
Something tells me Rosie O’Donnell is skilled at both.
4.
Both lead people to scream belligerently at each other.
5.
Both could potentially kill Barbara Walters.
The Heterosexual SAT #2:
Sentence Completions
Uh-oh! It’s time for another pop quiz! I’m sorry. I can assure you that I don’t like writing them just as much as you don’t like taking them. But you know what? Life is full of stuff you don’t want to do but end up having to do. How do you think Hillary Clinton felt about being Secretary of State?
For this test, you’ll be answering sentence completion questions.
EXAMPLE:
Jeffery Self smells so great they should:
A.
Ask him to leave.
B.
Ask him to shower.
C.
Bottle him.
D.
Start calling him Elizabeth Taylor.
Answer: While the obvious answer here is C, I would accept D, but only because it makes me feel really good about myself. Think you’ve got the hang of it? Good. Let’s go!
1. Ever since I arrived in Las Vegas, I keep seeing _______.
A.
Priests
B.
Maps for New York
C.
Puppies
D.
Obese people with tickets to go see Elton John
2. I recently went to the beach with some Heterosexuals and got drunk playing _______all day.
A.
Scrabble
B.
Beer Pong
C.
Barry Manilow Trivia
D.
Simpsons Monopoly
3. New York City is so beautiful this time of year; if only it didn’t smell so much like _______.
A.
My dad after a jog
B.
Coconut shampoo
C.
Toothpaste
D.
Stale urine and broken dreams
4. My parents and I are going to Colonial Williamsburg this summer to learn about how _______used to live.
A.
Aliens
B.
Cave people
C.
Our ancestors
D.
Angela Lansbury
5. Disney World was so crowded that we didn’t get to ride _______.
A.
Our bicycles
B.
The waves
C.
Splash Mountain
D.
Pierce Brosnan
6. I’ve only been to Cancun for Spring Break on one occasion, and I left with a hickey and _______.
A.
A scholarship to Duke University
B.
Strep throat
C.
$1,000
D.
A really unfortunate evening caught on tape by
Girls Gone Wild
7. When going to the beach, it is important to wear _______.
A.
A dress shirt
B.
Sunscreen
C.
A feather boa and a wig you don’t mind getting wet
D.
A belt and nothing else
8. John Mayer has slept with so many women they should change his name to _______.
A.
John Mayor of Lady Town
B.
John Lay-her
C.
I’m not going to get any further with this one because those first two are just too damn good. I’m so clever.
9. While in Daytona Beach, my girlfriend won a wet _______ contest.
A.
Swimsuit
B.
Blanket
C.
T-shirt
D.
Willy
10.
When migrating with a Heterosexual Male, it is likely he will refuse to ask for _______.
A.
A pee break
B.
A candy bar
C.
Directions
D.
Me to sing the entire soundtrack to
Dreamgirls
, but I will do it anyway
ANSWERS:
1. D; 2. B; 3. D; 4. C; 5. C; 6. D; 7. B; 8. Every answer is correct; 9. C; 10. C
*
Morgan Freeman is an older African-American male whom Heterosexuals time and time again hire to play God in their movies, leaving future civilizations to believe that the Almighty Creator of the Universe is also the guy who drove Jessica Tandy around in
Driving Miss Daisy
.
*
While Cher is, in fact, a Heterosexual, she does not belong to the species. Cher belongs 100 percent to gay men. More so than most gay men. Myself included.
*
As I mentioned earlier, Heterosexuals love their pockets. So when shopping for a Heterosexual, remember: the more pockets the better.