Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals (21 page)

What Is the Girlfriend Shelf?

As we all know, Heterosexual Males and Females can be very different. (Remember
Dharma and Greg
? Really? OK. Well, you didn’t miss much.) Everything from hygiene to feeding patterns is different between the two sexes, and, oftentimes, when a Heterosexual Male and Female who are in a relationship where the two involved parties do not live together, the Heterosexual Female stakes out a designated area within the Heterosexual Male’s home called the Girlfriend Shelf.

In a Heterosexual Male’s home, you are likely to find more than one Girlfriend Shelf; in fact, sometimes you can find up to three Girlfriend Shelves in one household. They are:

The Bedroom Girlfriend Shelf:
Also known (in some subcultures) as the Bedroom Girlfriend Drawer. On this shelf (or in this drawer), the Heterosexual Female will usually keep a handful of personal clothing items, including a couple pairs of underwear, socks, a comfortable T-shirt to watch television in, and an extra pair of jeans, as well as something nice enough to wear to brunch if she ends up sleeping over on a Friday and forgets to bring a spare dress. The Heterosexual Female will create a micro version of her own closet, staking out her ground, and, if you ask me, taking a bold risk by leaving a pair of $200 jeans in the same apartment as a guy who owns every single season of
Power Rangers
on DVD.

The Bathroom Girlfriend Shelf:
Found inside the shower or medicine cabinet, this shelf houses all the Heterosexual Female’s hygiene products, including shampoo, conditioner (the Heterosexual Male will only be able to provide the bottle of shampoo-and-conditioner-in-one that he purchased at the dollar store), lady soap (beyond my realm of expertise, but ladies tend to smell really nice: Good job, ladies!), Midol, tampons, and lady deodorant. (This is totally unrelated, but I’ve been using women’s Dove deodorant since high school and literally didn’t realize it was for women until about three months ago—which still hasn’t stopped me from using it, by the way.)

And the aforementioned:

Refrigerator Girlfriend Shelf:
On this shelf, the Heterosexual Female will keep the food she likes to eat, but that the Heterosexual Male never thinks to buy—things like fresh fruit, individual packets of cream cheese, a bottle of white wine, and a six-pack of that Activia yogurt that makes Jamie Lee Curtis so excited about pooping on TV commercials all the time.

Before we move on, it is pop quiz time! I’ll bet you thought I forgot, didn’t you? Well, then, you don’t know me at all!

The Heterosexual SAT #3:

True or False

This round of our Heterosexual SAT will be True or False. Please answer the questions truthfully, then consult the answer guide to see how you did before moving on.

EXAMPLE:

American Horror Story
and
Nashville
star Connie Britton is most known for her one-woman show about vampires called
Connie Bitten
.

   
True

   
False

Answer: False

   
1. The term
foodies
is used to describe a group of sexually liberated Heterosexuals who enjoy using food during sexual activities.

   
True

   
False

   
2. The appetizer samplers that Heterosexuals enjoy in chain restaurants always include a pack of chewing gum and a pair of edible panties.

   
True

   
False

   
3. Country superstar Carrie Underwood doesn’t just have the voice of an angel and legs for literally days, she is also a Heterosexual Herbivore.

   
True

   
False

   
4. My father is so obsessed with raw food that he won’t even walk by a grocery store, because he can smell the pesticides and ovens.

   
True

   
False

   
5. My mom does a lot of shopping at Chico’s.

   
True

   
False