Straight People: A Spotter's Guide to the Fascinating World of Heterosexuals (23 page)

Considering that
all
Heterosexuals have seen
Titanic
, take a look at this graph chronicling how they feel about the Academy Award–winning super hit that made Leonardo DiCaprio the fantasy of all teenage girls for most of the late 1990s. Or rather, until Ryan Phillippe came around.

See how that works? In the case of
Titanic
and
The Notebook
, you’ve got a movie specifically made for Heterosexuals, and in the case of
Burlesque
, you’ve got a movie made for an extremely small portion of Heterosexuals and drag queens who have grown tired after having watched their DVD of
Showgirls
*
500 times.

While we’re on the topic of Heterosexual cinema, a
fantastic
way to learn about Heterosexuals is from their Netflix movie queues.

What a person watches can tell you
a lot
about whose team they’re batting for. Here are some movie titles that should serve as immediate red flags that you’ve spotted a Heterosexual.

A heartwarming tale of when Heterosexuals get a dog and have kids. Spoiler alert: One of the title characters dies, and it’s not Me.

An underrated comedy starring Goldie Hawn’s daughter and the girl who isn’t Meryl Streep in
The Devil Wears Prada
.

What can I say? For Heterosexuals, it goes: God, Tom Hanks,
*
and the President of the United States—in that order of importance. Also, Helen Hunt is in this, and Heterosexuals
love
her. Or rather, they did in the mid-1990s.

Middle-aged Heterosexuals have sex and look at old bridges! It is, without a doubt, your mom’s favorite movie.

Heterosexuals love a reason to line up for something in the middle of the night, and this series provided that for the nerdiest of Heterosexuals. I’ve never seen any of these movies, but only because they’re
so
long. And unless Barbra Streisand is going to sing “I’m the Greatest Star,” I’m not all that interested in sitting through a three-and-a-half-hour movie.

That movie where Julianne Moore plays the lady who makes pies in Ohio (can’t remember the name and not going to look it up).

Never seen it, but anytime I say something about not caring for Hilary Swank,
*
a Heterosexual friend will argue, “But what about
P.S. I Love You
?!”

Nobody likes to spend 10 hours with old people talking about the Civil War more than Heterosexuals and masochists.

Somebody
is buying tickets to those movies, and it ain’t me—or RuPaul.

This is a universally enjoyed movie, and one that represents a hopeful time in America before we realized what a monster Katherine Heigl is.

This movie manages to combine two of the things mentioned above that Heterosexuals love the most: Tom Hanks
and
the president. Oh! And oldies music! Heterosexuals
love
oldies music.

Movies aren’t the only cultural interest of Heterosexuals—far from it, in fact. Heterosexuals enjoy all sorts of television, writing, music, and art. I recently interviewed a Heterosexual Male at my local record store to find out more about Heterosexual music.

Me:
Why is it that all Heterosexuals enjoy Kings of Leon?

Heterosexual:
Well, have you ever listened to their music?

Me:
No.

Heterosexual:
They are awesome!

Me:
OK, right. But who are they?

Heterosexual:
They’re a band; they write rock music; and it’s really catchy.

Me:
Are they actual kings?

Heterosexual:
No.

Me:
Are they from any sort of royal, aristocratic background?

Heterosexual:
No. They’re a band.

Me:
Yes. From Leon. Which brings me to my other question: Where is Leon? And what kind of city is it?

Heterosexual:
Leon isn’t a city.

Me:
Oh. So is it a country?

Heterosexual:
No.

Me:
Ah. It’s a continent.

(The Heterosexual walks away.)

What did I learn from this conversation? Well, for one, that the Kings of Leon should actually be known as the Common Civilians of the Fictitious Leon, but also that you can’t expect me to explain every single facet of the Heterosexual Lifestyle. Er, wait . . . that is the point of this book. Listen, these are the same people responsible for pajama jeans and Fergie, so just go with it.

Speaking of Fergie, celebrities are beloved among Heterosexuals, especially attractive ones. After all, Heterosexuals
are
human. Like any other species, all Heterosexuals have their ultimate celebrity crushes. For the record, my celebrity crushes are Matthew McConaughey and Suze Orman. (I obviously have a type.) However, mass surveys show the celebrities on the next pages are the most common celebrity crushes among Heterosexuals.

I am constantly being asked the same question: “Can Heterosexuals read?” And my answer is always the same: “Except for Heidi Montag, and the character Precious based on the novel
Push
by Sapphire, yes, of course Heterosexuals can read.” In fact, Heterosexuals are responsible for some of the most successful books of all time, like the extremely popular
Fifty Shades of Grey
series.