‘What did he say?’
‘He said.’ I sniffed back. ‘He said he’d talk to me later.’
‘Then maybe you should give him a chance to explain.’
‘It’s pretty simple he has a wife, how do you explain that.’
Grace nodded. ‘True, I don’t know what to say.’
‘Why can’t I find a man who will love just me? Why do they always love other women too?’
I rocked to and fro crying my eyes out. I felt humiliated and stupid. He was married? How could someone that handsome not be with anyone?
‘So what now?’
‘Now?’ I wiped away the tears and straightened up. ‘Now I go back to the life I lived, without a man and mark my words, there never will be another man that will enter my life.’
‘Hazel you don’t mean that, you’re upset.’
‘I do, this shop is closed for good.’ I stood up and marched to the kitchen to get a glass of water.
Grace followed me and looked at me sympathetically and yet she knew there was nothing she could say to change my mind.
‘I guess my job here is done.’ She gathered her things.
‘You are a great friend Gracie!’ I kissed her goodnight.
‘Please don’t shut yourself out to love.’
‘It’s easier, I’m not sure how much more heartbreak this heart can take.’
She nodded and I waited until she’d got into her car and drove off before shutting the door.
L
ife moved on, Mark called and sent text messages but I completely shut down. I just couldn’t do it, it hurt too much. I buried myself in my work and looked after Lloyd. The first few weeks he kept asking me about Mark, asking when he was coming back. I’d told him that he wasn’t which really upset him and upset me too, I really thought he was a great guy but it turned out he wasn’t. But then one day things suddenly changed, everything came crushing down!
One morning I just couldn’t get out of bed, I had a splitting headache and my stomach turned like a spinning machine. I was sick but as a single mother I had no choice but to get up. Halfway through making Lloyds breakfast I had to run to the toilet and bring up bile. My head spun constantly even after I’d taken some ibuprofen, I was a mess.
‘Mum what’s wrong with you?’ Lloyd asked after I’d returned to the breakfast table.
‘I’m not feeling well pumpkin.’ I watched as he ate his rice crispies. He’d gone back to them, it never took long for the change to come happen.
‘I think I’m poorly too.’ He put his hand to his head.
‘You’re going to school Lloyd,’ I said.
‘But it’s true, feel my head.’
‘Lloyd you’re going to school.’ I repeated then left the room to call the doctor.
I didn’t have the flu, because it didn’t feel like it. Lloyd hadn’t passed on a stomach bug, clearly something was going on. As I waited on hold to book into the doctors it dawned on me. I froze for a moment then.
‘Hello may I help you,’ the voice snapped me back to reality.
Instead of answering it I put down the phone and ran upstairs and opened my calendar. First week of September, the day was clearly written on there. I began to count from there until I got to today’s date.
Oh shit!
I counted the days again, this time a lot slower just in case I’d over counted, but nope, it was correct. The same number as the last time.
Fuck I’m late!
I paced thinking what this meant. I could be PREGNANT!
Shit!
I’m forty, I’m single, the man who is the dad – that is if I’m pregnant – is married. Oh my god! And to the think I had this lecture at sixteen. What the hell is wrong with me!
‘Mum!’
‘Damit!’ I rushed down to the child I already had. ‘Yes love?’
‘Do I really have to go to school?’
I leaned back into the wall, how the hell was I going to handle another one of those? I gazed at him and nodded. It took half an hour to get him out of the house and into school. Grace had looked at me concerned and I mouthed I’d speak to her later. My next stop was the pharmacy.
****
‘W
hat are you going to do?’ Grace asked.
‘I don’t know?’ I said for the fourth time. I really didn’t know.
‘You’re going to have to tell him.’
‘I haven’t spoken to him in five weeks.’
Mark had called constantly and when I hadn’t answered the calls he sent me a text, and when I didn’t answer his constant texts they lowered to one a day to one every other day and now only occasionally just to find out how I was doing. He wasn’t sure about coming to the house, just in case I called the police on him. He wasn’t a stalker as one of his text relayed.
‘But the communication lines are still opened I hope.’
‘I guess, but I haven’t even decided what I want yet.’ It had been so irresponsible of me, everything from the beginning of the relationship right to the end.
‘What do you mean, you are going to keep it.’
I thought about Lloyd, I loved my son but I wasn’t sure I wanted to deal with another child. But then again I couldn’t think of getting rid of it either.
‘It’s pretty confusing for me right now.’
‘He has a right to know Hazel.’
‘And his wife?’
‘Perhaps you should let him explain his side of the story. You never gave him a chance.’
I couldn’t bear the thought of being hurt all over again, not that it had made any of it easier. I guess it was just my stupid way of protecting myself.
‘I’ll think about it,’ I said finally.
It wasn’t long after that we hung up.
I sat for a while just thinking about him. I still felt so much for him, I worried that seeing him again would take me backwards and not forwards. After an hour of just thinking I decided what I was going to do. It was the way forward.
****
I
waited nervously inside Costa Coffee. I sipped on a green tea and people watched while I waited for him to arrive. There was no expression on his face, I had no idea what he was thinking. But just seeing him, his beautiful face, just all of him made me fall all over again. This was the very reason I didn’t want to see him. It took all of my strength not to stand up and leave.
‘Can I get you anything?’ he asked before he sat down, I shook my head.
I watched as he went to the counter and ordered a coffee then made his way back to the table. He put down the steamy coffee and pulled off the leather jacket, to reveal a white deep v shirt that showed off his chest and the long sleeves clung to his arms. Gosh this was hard!
‘Hi,’ he said as he sat down.
‘Hi,’ I smiled. ‘I’m so sorry to have to ring you up like this.’
‘I’m glad you did, I’ve been hoping to speak to you for so long. You just didn’t give me a chance to explain what happened the night we went out.’
I looked down at my drink for a second, did I really want to hear his story?
‘Mark I’m scared,’ I said finally. ‘When my husband cheated on me it tore mine and Lloyd’s lives apart. Letting love in isn’t the easiest thing for me.’
‘I get that and believe me I never set out to hurt you. I never set out to fall in love with you either. My life hasn’t been easy. You see a pretty face and you assume all the women are falling at my feet. That may be so but not the women I want. You were the first woman I’ve ever felt so drawn to in a long time. It’s not me to sleep with a woman just a few minutes after meeting her, but you, you were just so amazing.’
I blushed.
‘I’m sorry I hurt you, I’m sorry I never told you the truth from the beginning. I guess I was just afraid that you would leave, but then you left anyway. I should have just told you.’
‘Yes you should’ve.’
‘This is why I’m glad I have the opportunity right now. If you never want to see me after this, I will accept but know that this was never a game for me I do love you.’
‘Love?’
‘Yes love.’ His eyes glazed over.
‘Okay, I’m listening.’ I put my hand out for him to take, it was a risk I had to take, even if it meant getting hurt all over again.
‘I am married, I have been for a while but I’m no longer in love with her.’
I was about to open my mouth but he shook his head.
‘My wife was involved in a car accident a few years ago that left her slightly brain damaged. She came to the restaurant that day looking for me because it’s the one place she always remembers. In the beginning, we were okay, she would only forget a few things but it’s started to progress. We have good days and bad days. There are days when she doesn’t even know who I am and then there are days when she’s so in love with me it hurts me over and over again.’
I could tell he was about to cry.
‘Two years ago I started to withdraw from her. It may sound selfish of me but I wanted a life, I wanted a life with a wife and I wanted children. My wife can’t give me that. Unfortunately the doctors have said that it’s going to get worse. The part of her brain that’s been damaged is continuing to deteriorate.’
‘Oh my god, I’m so sorry Mark.’ I began to tear up. ‘I’m sorry I never gave you a chance to explain.’
‘It’s not your fault, I should’ve been honest from the start. I guess any woman who found out the guy she was dating was married would’ve left.’
I nodded.
‘Things got so bad after the night we went out and I was advised by the doctors to rethink about putting her in care facilities. They’d spoken to me about that years ago and I’d refused to do it. She was my wife, but she isn’t anymore. She isn’t there anymore when she looks at me she doesn’t know who I am. At times she does but now more than often I’m a man who scares her daily. And so I made the decision to do it.’ He squeezed my hand. ‘When you came into my life, I saw a future, I saw children, I saw the family I wanted to have.’
‘Oh god.’ I burst into tears.
‘Have I upset you?’
‘No, no it’s just.’ I tried to keep it together for the sake of the people around us. ‘Oh Mark, I don’t know what to say.’
‘Say you’ll give us another try? I will still have my responsibilities to my wife as her guardian but if you could bear with me and give me a chance I would be the happiest man on earth.’
I just couldn’t hold back the tears. It was all too overwhelming. I wanted him so much and yet I was so scared. Even after the explanation he’d given me I was still weary.
‘Please don’t shut me out. I’m willing to give it my all.’ He was so serious I could see the pleading in his eyes.
I pursed my lips together, I’d almost forgotten the reason I’d asked to meet him in the first place.
‘First you have to know why I asked you here.’ I tried to smile.
‘Okay.’
I took his other hand and squeezed them both.
‘Don’t freak out,’ I said.
‘Okay, I won’t.’ he smiled gently. Mark had a beautiful heart as well as beauty on the outside.
‘I don’t know how to put this or say it.’
‘Just say it, I can take it.’
I took a deep breath.
‘I’ll be fine.’
‘Mark.’
‘Yes?’
‘I’m...’
‘It’s okay.’
‘Mark, I’m pregnant.’
His face tilted and he looked at me like I’d just announced I was carrying a bomb.
‘Say that again, I didn’t quite catch that.’
‘I said I’m pregnant.’
There was a slight curl on his lips, ‘Again, I didn’t catch that.’
‘I said I’m pregnant.’
He sat in silence for a minute and then a wide grin appeared on his lips.
‘Again.’
‘Mark.’
‘Again or else I’ll scream.’ He giggled.
‘Okay, okay. I’m pregnant.’
‘We’re having a baby?’
I hadn’t even thought that far but hearing those words come out of his mouth made my body feel warm all over.
‘We’re having a baby?’ A tear slid down the right side of his eye.
‘Yes Mark we’re having a baby.’ I began to cry too.
‘This is super crazy!’
‘You can say that again.’ I took in deep breaths.
He turned to the elderly couple besides us, ‘We’re having a baby.’ He boasted.
‘Oh congratulations!’ they said.
‘Mark.’
He stood up and helped me out of my chair.
‘Come here you.’ He took me into a warm hug and I finally let go into him. ‘I promise I will be the best dad ever.’
‘We’re going to have to start from the beginning.’
He looked at me.
‘You’re going to have to ask me out properly.’ I smiled.
He turned around and looked at the shop and then took my hand.
‘Ms Jacobs, will you go out with me?’
‘No.’
He was taken back.
‘I’m only messing, of course I will Mr Hirst.’
****
S
o this is my life now! I’m with the most attractive man I’ve ever known and if you think love can’t happen in an instant, think again. You see if I hadn’t made that phone call, I would never have met Mark. Sex with a stranger? Hmm, although never advisable sometimes you’ve just got to let life lead you. I’d followed the rules all my life and then the day I threw away the rule book and slept with the engineer because I wanted to, my life changed for the better. We had a baby girl, Leah and she’s nothing like Lloyd, thank God! I do worry at times about him about the questions he asks. For example the other day he asked, ‘Will Leah’s eye pop out if I poke it?’
Mark say’s it’s a stage, I on the other hand know it’s just Lloyd. I’ve continued to write when Leah’s asleep and oh, every afternoon at about twelve in the afternoon, there is a knock on the door. You wouldn’t guess who it is. The stranger! And when we can if the baby doesn’t decide to wake up, we make quick but hot passionate love. That’s the beauty of having a hunk for a husband. Ooops did I say husband. Now how did I fast forward and skip that part.
Mark divorced his wife but is still her legal guardian. He wanted to make our union official and wanted Leah to be born into a marriage. It all seems a bit rushed but the thing is, the more I think about this, the happier I become. I guess the best moments in our lives are when we don’t plan them, when we just allow them to happen.
I think I heard a knock at the door, it must be that engineer again!
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