“Litter Box, how nice of you to join us. Mauve, please grab us some waters, one for you as well. Oh, and I need a Tic Tac.”
Pulling a pack from her back pocket, she puts one in my mouth and then goes to the outside bar to fetch us some water.
Litter Box positions herself on the swing across from me and adjusts the flowy top she’s wearing. Examining her short black shorts and matching high heels, I wonder if Mauve will find her attractive. Who am I kidding, of course she will. I’m a brilliant matchmaker.
“Did you find the house all right?”
“Yes,” she answers with a smile. “Pocket gave wonderful directions. Is she here today?” Litter Box looks around.
“No, she has yeast coming out of every orifice of her body.” I shiver. “She’s been banned indefinitely until she gets everything cleared out.”
“That sounds unpleasant,” Litter box replies.
“Tell me about it. She was near me when things started to fester in the inner depths of her folds.” I gag. “I can’t imagine what I would have done if I caught it.”
“Yeast infections are not contagious, Bellini,” Mauve says, handing me a drink, acting like a know-it-all. “It’s not like an airborne virus.”
I see right through her, Mauve is trying to show off in front of the piece of meat I brought here for her. Fair enough, I will let this slip by, because I’m all for gay pride.
“Sit down, Mauve.” She takes a seat, just as Jasper and Reese walk to the back of the house where we are all convening.
“We let ourselves in, hope that’s okay,” Jasper says.
“Oh, you’re here,” I say, ignoring Jasper. “Come here, sweetheart.” I hold my hand out to Reese who looks confused from my term of endearment. I purse my lips, trying to get him to notice our company. He glances to the side and sees Litter Box so he clears his throat and holds out his hand, which I take and pull him to sit on the swing with me. Placing my legs over his lap, I force his hand down on my thigh as we swing together. We make such a good couple.
“Jasper, sit down. You two got here just in time to witness a very magical occasion. Melon,” I shout, forcing Reese to cringe and cover his ear. “Where is that woman?”
“Getting lunch, remember?” Mauve says, a little concerned.
“Oh, right.” I clear my throat. “Thank you all for joining me today.”
“How long is this going to take? We have a meeting, and Jonathan is coming over to hand me some paperwork from Wally,” Jasper says, cutting me off rudely.
Trying not to raise my voice or snap at him, I say, “This is just as important, Jasper. You are about to witness love in the making.”
“What’s going on?” Reese tenses up, trying to remove his hand from my thigh, but I stop him and instead hold his hand. Mauve’s eyes search out our connected hands and I feel pity for her; the poor girl just wants to be loved. Very soon she will be, very soon you, bologna-eating monster.
“A few weeks ago, I was privy to information about a certain someone in our little circle here. I was told that we have someone who likes the same sex in our presence.”
“What?” Who? Jasper?” Reese asks. “I thought you were married to Meredith.”
“I am,” Jasper answers.
“It’s not Jasper.”
Standing up quickly, Mauve says, “Bellini, can I talk to you? It’s kind of important.”
I wave her off. “Sit.” She doesn’t listen to me, and there is some sort of begging coming from her eyes, but I ignore her. “I said sit,” I snap, causing her to fall back in her chair. “Now, where was I? Ah yes, there is a homosexual in the group. Being a good Catholic girl with a dog of God in my care, I found this to be a little startling at first, to be so close to someone who prefers common-like sexual organs touching. But with the help of Pope Francis by my side, I’ve risen from the stereotypes that all Catholics hate gays and have accepted the fate of the gays. Mauve, I accept you being a lesbian.”
“What?” Reese asks, a twist of confusion in his eyes. Poor man, so close-minded, I will have to open his eyes, teach him the lessons Pope Francis taught me. Love thy neighbor.
**PAISLEY**
Oh, Jesus.
This is happening right now.
I should have known better than to tell Bellini such a lie. I should have known that in her crazy, demented brain she would take someone’s sexuality and make it into a promotion for herself.
I’m so glad Reese is here right now, listening to all of the crap coming out of Bellini’s mouth. This isn’t awkward or uncomfortable at all. Note the sarcasm.
“Bellini, it’s completely inappropriate and uncalled for to out one of your employees,” Jasper states, anger in his voice.
“Oh, please. Everyone knows just from the combat boots she wears and the way she sits that Mauve is of the lesbian kind.”
“I don’t think she is,” Reese suggests.
Bellini pats his face with her palm. “Oh, you’re so naïve. She is a lesbian, sweetheart. She told me herself, in a state of dire need to get the information off her chest, she just blurted it out. Isn’t that right, Mauve?”
Everyone turns to me, looking for answers, even Litter Box . . . I mean Lauren. I can’t bear to look at Reese right about now because after what he did last night and this morning to my body, I can’t imagine what he must be thinking.
“Well, Mauve, are you going to tell us about being a lesbian?”
Clearing my throat, I twist my hands in my lap and stare at the ground. “I did say that to Bellini.”
“See!” Bellini throws her hands up in the air. “Honestly, would I really lie? Especially with Pope Francis on my very lap? Lying is one of the Ten Commandments just in case all of you sinners didn’t know that.”
Jasper pinches his nose. “Christ, Bellini. You can’t just announce to the world when someone is gay; that is their business, not yours.”
“Psshh. Everyone is so sensitive these days. Let’s call a spade a spade; Mauve likes vaginas, marijuana is the miracle healer, and there is a new trend bouncing around high schoolers where they eat out of dog bowls and pee on fire hydrants. The more we become aptly aware of our surroundings, the more we will be accepting and less sensitive to being told by society that you are in fact an ugly cod face.” She pets Pope Francis, gives him a kiss, and then continues. “So with Mauve exposed as her true self, I’m here to tell you that Litter Box is not here to talk to me.”
Oh, shit.
Sweat starts to pool in my armpits, the back of my neck tingles, and I can feel an utter sense of dread creep over me.
“Before we went to that godforsaken homeless-man’s state where the children of the corn live, I interviewed a bunch of women to become your lover.” She says that so naturally.
“What?” Lauren asks, looking just as perplexed as the rest of us.
“Oh Christ,” Jasper mutters as he pinches the bridge of his nose. “Just stop.”
She doesn’t listen. “I created a fake document, interviewed these women, letting them think they were interviewing for a job at Pothead Pizza, when in actuality, I was seeing if they would be the perfect match for Mauve. Brilliant, I know. I’m such a do-gooder.”
And there it is. In all honesty, I’m not surprised.
“I spent mindless hours watching over Pocket as she read me profile after profile. I was looking for someone who knew style, who had a nice car, and a good Pothead Pizza topping idea, because I had to get something out of this as well.” She leans over and touches Reese’s cheek, gazing into his eyes. “I really wanted to find her the kind of love we share.”
“And seeing what kind of car they drive is a great question to start out with,” Reese says sarcastically.
“Sure is,” she responds, not hearing the condescending undertone of Reese’s statement.
Every time Bellini touches Reese, I feel my heart sink just another notch. It’s beyond fake, but I don’t like sharing, and right now, Bellini has her hands all over my man, telling him how I’m a lesbian. Not my best moment. But sure as hell not my worst either.
“My choices for Mauve came down to two women: Litter Box and another woman not worth mentioning. I chose Litter Box because she’s well versed in hair and can help with that mop on your head, Mauve. Maybe teach you how to brush it?”
I grind my teeth . . . hard.
If I wasn’t so terrified about losing my job and making a bad impression in front of Jasper right now, I would tell Bellini off, and then leave, because, hell, I’m on the verge of not being able to take her crap anymore.
Not only is Bellini insulting me, her employee, but she’s being incredibly rude and offensive to Lauren who thought she was picked to perform a job, not be matched up with a fake lesbian.
My gut churns, and I instantly start to feel sick to my stomach.
Not caring about any of the awkwardness in the air, Bellini continues, “So, Mauve, meet your new life partner.”
“Umm, I didn’t sign up for this,” Lauren says.
“Shhh.” Bellini waves her off with her hand and then looks at me with excitement. “What do you think, Mauve? Are you overwhelmed with love right now?”
Jesus. This can’t go on any longer. Lauren is clearly uncomfortable and Jasper looks like he’s about to have a stroke. Everything about this entire conversation is wrong.
“Yeah, about that.” I rub the tops of my thighs. “Funny thing, I’m not really a lesbian.”
Sitting up straight and placing her feet on the ground, a look of outrage and murder coming off of Bellini, words drip from her mouth in disdain, “You’re not a lesbian?”
“Not really.”
“This ends now!” Jasper demands, and I turn red with embarrassment. This is just what I need, for Jasper to think I’m some kind of unstable person who lies to their boss about their sexuality. I was hoping to gain a recommendation from Jasper, but after today, pretty sure that ship has sailed. I’ve so fucked up, and big time. “Bellini, you are—”
“So you’re telling me your vagina doesn’t like touching other vaginas?” Bellini squints, trying to gain some understanding, once again interrupting Jasper.
“No,” I answer.
“So, you don’t like to clap flaps together?”
“That’s offensive,” Reese points out. “You can’t just say you are ‘for gay people’”—he uses air quotes—“and then go around and say shit like that, Bellini. I don’t care how much money you make, these are human beings, and you need to learn not to belittle them or be offensive.”
“Your crotch wrapped in spandex is offensive, but you don’t hear me insulting you, do you?” There is no winning with this woman. Bellini turns her attention to me. “Listen here, you ass-face whore bag, tell me right now why I spent many nights praying with Pope Francis about your life decisions, why I took the time out of my day to force Pocket into reading applications, and then spent time talking to these women on the phone when I could have been getting my armpits lazered?”
“Why did you tell her you were a lesbian?” Jasper asks.
My hands twist in my lap, my stomach bottoms out, and for the first time ever, I actually feel like I’m going to puke in front of a circle of people.
“Well, umm, you see, Bellini was concerned about how I was looking at Reese, and I felt that if I told her I was a lesbian, she wouldn’t be stressed about anything between us, which she shouldn’t be. We’re strictly professional. I actually have a boyfriend, his name is . . . Clyde.”
Clyde? Why is that the first name that comes to mind? And why the hell am I lying again?
“Clyde? He sounds hideous.” Bellini gets up from her swing, her robe blowing in the breeze.
A voice that sounds awfully like my father’s sounds off in the back of my head, telling me what a failure I am, how I’m never going to succeed, how I should give up everything and just come home, to where I belong.
Is this what it takes to succeed in this industry? Constant lying? If so, I hate every minute of it. I think there has to be a better way, but then I look at Bellini and know, right then and there, there is no winning when it comes to someone like her. I can tell her every day I brush my hair, and she won’t believe me. I could literally stand in front of her, five brushes running through my hair, and she still wouldn’t believe me. That’s the kind of person she is. So, if I have to lie to her, if I have to stretch the truth to help her comprehend something, then I guess that’s the way it has to be.
Too bad for me, I chose the wrong thing to lie about. Little did I know it was going to blow up like this.
“So, does that mean I don’t have a job with Pothead Pizza?” Lauren asks, looking a little shell-shocked from this entire interaction.
“Of course not, you hot-faced armpit,” Bellini snaps, gripping one of the pillars decorating her patio area. “Jasper, I don’t think I can work with a lying, manipulative hog-whore. If she’s lying about her sexuality and keeping men by the name of Clyde away from me, then what else is she hiding? Maybe a patch of moles that connects together to form a penis on her back? Or maybe the fact that the dried-out mop on the top of her head is actually a wig made from an Italian’s man butt hair? Or, heaven forbid, she has a secret stash of empty Tic Tac cartons stacked up in her jalopy just so she can reminisce on all the times she fed me.”
“I can assure you none of those are true,” I say quickly, looking at Jasper who looks fed up.
Taking a deep breath, he says, “Bellini, I suggest you keep your insults to yourself. You are one lawsuit away from losing everything your dad has ever worked for. Paisley is a solid worker, we are not firing her—”
“How is this your decision?” she barks at him, interrupting what he was saying. Again. “She works for me.”
“She works for the production company to keep you happy,” Jasper shoots back. “Now, I suggest you apologize to Lauren, thank her for coming by, and set up a time to speak to our lawyers. This shit has gone on long enough.”
“Well, I’m not happy,” she screams at the top of her lungs, clenching her fists at her sides and squinting her eyes shut, ignoring everything Jasper told her.
Pope Francis howls and Reese covers his ears, protecting his eardrums from the high-pitched squeal of Bellini Chambers.
“Bellini, unless you want me to cancel your season, I suggest you grow up and try acting like an adult.” Jasper turns to me. “Paisley, will you help see Lauren out and grab her contact info so we can be in touch with her later about making up for today.”