Stubborn Love (21 page)

“I can tell you’ve been punishing yourself for a very long time. I think you’ve put yourself through enough,” she stated, standing and reaching for me to join her.

I rose to my feet, still a little shaky. Wrapping her arms around me she pulled me into an embrace. When at last she released me, all I could think to say was, “Thank you.”

She walked me to the door, and after opening it, she peered out and looked down at Colin. She smiled and waved to him. Awkwardly, he waved back. Leaning in she whispered, “He’s very handsome.”

I blushed in response. “I don’t know how I can thank you, Maggie. I never thought you would be so understanding.”

“Clementine, I would give anything to have my Ashton back. I also would have given anything for him to be able to accept love. He was lost, and I was his mother and couldn’t bring him back from the edge. I believe Ashton loved us—I have to. And because of that, I have decided he wouldn’t want us to carry these scars. If my kindness lets you take them off your back, then I’m happy, because I think it’s what Ashton wanted to do for you, but couldn’t.”

My eyes swollen and cheeks wet, I threw my arms around her again. I squeezed as tightly as I could, wishing somehow I could make her scars fade a little.

“I know,” she replied as I released her. “Don’t be a stranger. I miss you.”

“Okay, I’ll call,” I replied, surprising even myself that I meant it.

Walking down the stairs I caught Colin’s eyes, his brows arched in anticipation, his hand outstretched toward me. Looking over my shoulder back at Maggie, and back at the life that had once trapped me, I sighed, waving goodbye. I just hoped one day Mr. Stirling could be as forgiving as his wife.

As my fingertips met Colin’s, my heart fluttered. A hope and relief I hadn’t ever felt consumed me. We neared the car, and he asked, “Well?”

“It went well,” I replied.

“I’m going to need more than that,” he pushed.

“I have somewhere else I want to go,” I said, ignoring his prompting.

“Where?” he asked, opening my door for me.

“You’ll see.” I smiled, wondering if it was possible to even do what Maggie said. Now that I had these scars, would I ever be able to have them removed?

I stared at the grass on the front lawn, a couple inches longer than it should be. There was a small plastic red toy car with a yellow roof turned over on its side near the bottom of the driveway. The garage door had been painted from taupe to a bright white, and the siding was replaced with a bright yellow color. I couldn’t help but wonder if it was done in an effort to mask the sadness the place contained.

“Are you going to tell me why we’re here, or are we just going to continue to play creepy stalker couple?” Colin asked.

“Not yet,” I answered. I wasn’t ready to explain to him what this place was. I wanted a future with him, and here we were, staring at the place that held so much of my past.

Frustrated, Colin flipped on the radio, thumbing through the stations until finally settling on one. I didn’t know why we were here, or why I wanted to see this place. I wanted to move on, I wanted to do what Maggie told me and let my scars fade, but it seemed impossible. I don’t think she was right about Ashton loving me. I think he killed himself because he wanted me to hurt. It seemed like a disservice to him if I were to let go of the pain.

“Oh me, oh my, oh, look at Miss Ohio,” Colin sang from the driver’s seat. I glanced over at him and smiled. “She’s a-running around with her rag-top down.”

“What are you doing?” I asked, laughing lightly.

“She says I wanna do right, but not right now,” he continued.

“Stop it, Colin,” I commanded. I didn’t want him to sing. I wanted to wallow in self-pity, and that was impossible with him singing.

Turning the volume down, he said, “No, I won’t stop singing unless you tell me what we’re doing here.”

“I’m not ready to talk about it,” I explained, looking away from him and back at the home.

“Well, I am, and I’m here, and I want to know what we’re doing,” Colin added in a more demanding tone.

Looking at him, contempt heavy in my stare, I growled back, “That’s too bad. We can’t always get what we want and you have to learn that.”

He reached over, gripping my leg in an effort to hold my attention. “Em, I’m here. I want to take this from you, which is why I came. I’m in love with you, damn it, let me be there for you.”

My heart ached to the point that I wondered if it might turn to ash within my chest. I couldn’t conceive how such beautiful words could hurt so much. “You can’t take it from me.”

He looked over my shoulder at the silent home. “Was that where it happened?”

I nodded, relieved he knew where we were, and I didn’t have to say the words. The car began to feel quite small, and I struggled to catch my breath. Colin did his best to calm me, although his efforts were useless. I leapt from the vehicle as if I were leaping from my own coffin. Colin exited, too, standing and staring at me from across the car. I turned and peered at the house.

“I swear, Em, if you leave me I’ll kill myself.”
I remembered the way those words sounded that night. I could see now, the way he said it, he was trying to tell me he was looking for a way to be done. I wondered if he was asking for permission
. “I’m not kidding, I’ll do it! I can’t live without you.”
Was he right? Was that why he did it? If that was why he did it then maybe he really did love me… he needed me to keep going. It felt like my mind was spinning.

Turning on my heel I looked to Colin, who hadn’t taken his eyes from me. “Can we go to his grave?”

He nodded, sadness in his eyes. I was certain this must have felt like torture to him, but I couldn’t help myself. He wanted to be there, and I needed closure. He replied in a soft voice, “Whatever you need.”

The flowers on the grave were fresh, and I could see Maggie had taken great care in making sure they stayed that way. The image of the guitar on the tombstone made me smile. I hadn’t seen the grave since the day of his funeral, when there was no actual stone to look at. I never told his family, I let them assume I would visit. My mother placed flowers for me that first year. Seeing his tombstone with his name was more than I thought I could ever handle. But now, being here, I realized I was stronger than I thought.

“You loved him, didn’t you?” Colin asked. There was no jealousy in his voice, only sorrow. I worried it might hurt him to know the truth, but I was too tired to lie anymore.

“Yes. In a lot of ways, I guess I did,” I replied.

Colin put his arm around my shoulder. I felt like I should pull away—that somehow it was disrespectful to Ashton, but it felt so comforting, I couldn’t. “Sometimes love isn’t enough. It’s not your fault.”

“I’m so tired of people saying that. It is my fault. He needed me, and I basically told him to go fuck himself.” I couldn’t help but be agitated. I wasn’t mad at Colin; I was angrier with Ashton and myself. It wasn’t fair he didn’t tell me about his attempts kill himself as a kid. I was his wife. I should have known that.

“What do you want me to do? Do you want me to lie? I don’t think it was your fault. I want to make this better, so why won’t you let me?”

“You can’t make this better, Colin! Stop trying! This will never be better, and if you’re not all right with that, then you might want to move on now!” I yelled, not taking my eyes from Ashton’s grave.

Colin pulled away. He was silent; I couldn’t even hear his breathing anymore. I heard the earth rustling as he turned and walked away. I glanced over my shoulder. I was nervous he might be leaving me at the gravesite, not that I would blame him. He didn’t. Instead, he stopped, leaning back against the car, arms crossed, head down.

Stepping closer, I got down onto my knees, the moist ground soaking through the denim. “Hi Ashton.” It was odd talking to him. I had done it alone, in my room, or lying on the couch at my mother’s, but to be here, knowing he was in the earth beneath me, it felt like he might be able to hear me.

“That’s Colin. I hope you’re not angry, but we’re dating. Well, we were, but I probably screwed that up, too. I think the curse of us is probably too much for any man.” I sat quietly for a second, a numbness coming over me. “Ashton, I don’t understand why.”

My voice began to shake, tears slipping from my eyes. “You had to know it would destroy me, your mother… God, your dad, he’s a mess, Ash. Did you hate us all that much?”

A breeze blew through the trees above as a chill overwhelmed me, causing my entire body to shiver. In that instant I had an overwhelming desire to curl up on Ashton’s grave, cover myself in dead leaves creating a blanket, and use the tombstone as a pillow. I would stay there, mourning him, for eternity.

A warm hand grazed my cheek just before it touched my shoulder. Looking up, for a split second, part of me expected to see Ashton. Colin looked down at me instead. He had snuck up on me—he was good at that. Taking his hand, I sighed and brushed my knees off as I stood. He didn’t speak, only wrapped his arms around me in the warmest embrace. We lingered until at last he released me, guiding me back to the car.

He didn’t open the door, he didn’t say a word, he only stood there, blocking my path and looking at me.

“Is everything okay?” I asked, looking away, trying to clean up my tear stained cheeks.

“I don’t know,” he replied, and I braced myself for what I assumed was the break up talk.

“I understand,” I replied softly.

“No, you don’t, and that’s the problem,” Colin said, his voice shaking slightly.

I looked up at him, his eyes moist, but no tears. “What?”

“Let me get through this before you say anything,” he began. I swallowed hard, preparing for the goodbye. “You know that scar on your chin? It’s the most beautiful looking scar I have ever seen. I love that when you say you want black coffee you really mean you want one sugar. Your smile, your style, and all the things about you that make you into the girl I love are among my favorite things in this world. I still remember the look on your face when we first met, that disgust for the warehouse, not to mention me. It makes me feel alive to think of those things. I need you, Em. Without you my heart would break.”

“Don’t say that!” I exclaimed, a flash of Ashton’s plea playing in my mind.

“I have to say it. I’m sorry your husband did what he did. I wish I understood it. But honestly, I can’t, because with or without you, the only place I want to be is in a world you’re a part of. If I lost you, I would fight every day to have you back. I wouldn’t do something I know would hurt you. I love you too much for that. I may not be able to eat or sleep, but I would go on breathing if it meant one day I might have you back. I wish he had loved you enough to not hurt you, but he did hurt you. I would never do that to you, Em, and all I ask is that you give me every day to try and take a little bit of the pain away that he caused.”

“Damn it, Colin,” I mumbled through the stream of tears.

He laughed, scooping me into his embrace. “Does that mean you won’t leave me.”

I nodded. He lifted my chin, wiping away my tears with his thumbs as he gripped my face.

“I thought you were going to break up with me after this trip,” I confessed.

“What?” he scoffed. “Never. It took too much work to catch you just to throw you back.”

“Nice…” I huffed.

Leaning closer his lips met mine; it felt like he was kissing the pain, numbing it for now. Pulling away he stepped to the side, allowing me to slide in. I looked toward the grave one last time. “Goodbye,” I whispered, hoping I might be able to leave the ghost behind that had been haunting me for the past few years. Colin made his way around the car, taking his proper place next to me.