Sublime Wreckage (15 page)

"That's the plan if it's alright with Vince?" I look over at him but he doesn't seem to be paying any attention to what I'm saying. He just keeps watching me like I'm going to fall into a million pieces at any minute. "Vince, I'm okay. It was just the flu. Plenty of fluids and three days of rest was just what I needed."

"You do look okay. I guess. I just got so worried when I didn't hear from you. But if you say you're fine then I guess I have to believe you." He finally takes a deep breath giving me a small smile.

"So is it okay if we both come over after school to hang out until I have to be home? Do you have work you need to do?"

"I would love for you guys to come over. I can push a couple of things around. It's no big deal. I'm the boss so if I want to cut out early every once in a while I should be able to do it. Right?"

"Only if you are sure. I really don't want to disrupt your life or make you change your schedule around just for me." That's when he stops me and tells Amanda to go get in his car. He tells her we will be there in a minute then he turns to me with a look that I don't quite recognize.

"Magnolia, you have become someone important in my life. I care about you. If nothing else you have become one of my closest friends. I will do anything I can to help you when you are in need. You aren't alone in this world. You will always have me. Whatever I can do to make your life a little easier please let me do it. That's all I ask from you. When you are ready you can tell me the truth. If you never feel ready, I understand. But I hope that someday you can trust me enough to let me into every aspect of your life."

The look on his face, the look I couldn't place, I think I see it now. It's love. Not a love in a romantic sense but just a love for a friend. He cares about me so deeply. I can see the distress in his eyes. I feel awful that I didn't at least call him so he could hear my voice and know that I really was fine. I can handle my life but letting someone else in, I don't know if I'm capable of doing that. So I just look up into his sweet, caring eyes and nod.

He takes a step closer so he is standing right in front of me. He wraps his arms very gently around my body, holding me softly in a tender embrace. He leans down and whispers in my ear. "I'm here for you."

Those four little words might just be my undoing. I can feel the battle going on between my mind and my heart. My mind is telling me that I've survived this long by myself while my heart is telling me to let him in. But for now my mind takes over.

"Thanks Vincent. I really am fine. We better get going before we are late for school." I turn around quickly because I can't let him see the one tear that is trying to escape. I don't want him to see the effect he has on me. I can't begin to hope for something more between us. Not now. Not while I still live with that horrible woman. How can I have a relationship with someone when I have to hide such a big part of who I am? Friendship is one thing but to take this any further would just be wrong. I can't let him in all the way. I just can't.

Once we make it to school and Vince has pulled away, Amanda turns to me with a very serious look on her face. "He cares about you Maggie. Maybe you should consider telling him the truth. What harm could it cause?"

"No. Absolutely not. I don't need him to take care of me. He doesn't need to get involved in that part of my life. I can't even explain it to myself let alone try to explain it to someone else. I don't know why she does this to me. I don't understand how a mother can treat her own child this way. It's embarrassing." I can't look Amanda in the eyes so I look to the ground full of shame. Constantly being told that you are worthless takes its toll. After being in the house with her for three days hearing nothing but negative comments, it has left me feeling so low I don't know if I can climb back up this time.

"Maggie, look at me. It's not your fault. None of this is your fault. There is something seriously wrong with that woman. You are one of the smartest people I know. The determination you have to get away from her and make a better life is inspiring. Don't you dare let her take that from you." I raise my head after hearing her words and stare right into her eyes. She's right and this is why I love her.

"I won't. Not ever."

Amanda gives me a little hug then walks me to my locker. She offers to help with my bag full of books but I tell her it's not that bad. I don't want her to be late to class because of me. I pull out only the books I absolutely need and head to class. It's going to be another long day. After getting all the assignments I missed I work as hard as I can during study hall trying to get as much done as possible. Three days of homework really adds up. I also forgot about the poem assignment for English but Mr. Brown said I could turn it in on Friday since I was out sick.

I don't eat much at lunch today. My lip is still pretty sore right along with my jaw. Thankfully I've been able to move around with minimal pain from the rest of my body. I guess staying in bed for three days while icing my injuries really paid off. I should be back to my old self by next week. The bruises will take a little longer to completely fade away. But the memory of what she did to me will be with me forever.

As soon as the bell rings at the end of the day I meet up with Amanda. I asked her to give my note to the coach. I figured it was better not to show my face since I'm supposed to be in pretty bad shape physically. The note I forged asked that I be excused from practice and our meet this weekend due to the severe flu I suffered for three days. I explained that my body was too weak from dehydration to perform any physical activity and signed it with my mother's name. Amanda said coach wants me to get better and seemed to believe the explanation. We wait until the bus has left for practice to head outside. The last thing I need is my teammates seeing me leave with some hot guy when I should be at practice. I texted Vince to give us an extra five minutes to get outside.

Just as we round the corner I see him. He is standing in front of his Mustang with his legs and arms crossed. He is leaning back against the hood of his car in a black t-shirt and jeans. He has on his black work boots with a small smile. He is so damn sexy. I can't help but smile back after taking every inch of him in. That's when I notice someone standing next to him. It's his little brother grinning like he just ate the canary.

"Hi. Maggie this is Joey. My little brother. I give him a ride home every day so we have to drop him off first."

"No way. I'm coming with you guys. Keri has band practice tonight and I want to get to know your new girlfriend!" I look over at Joey and smile. He seems like such a sweet kid.

"It's nice to meet you Joey. And I don't mind if you want to hang out with Vince's friends." Vince gives me a sideways smile as we all load up in the car. I was going to ride in the backseat with Amanda but Vince insisted I sit up front since I'm still recovering from being sick. I don't know why but I get the distinct feeling he knows way more than he is telling me. This morning he mentioned telling him the truth when I'm ready. Does he know what's really going on? I decide to blow it off for now. Once we get to Vince's house he decides it's best to just chill and watch crappy television. I don't argue because sitting on his luxurious leather couch sounds wonderful right about now. Amanda takes a tour of the house with Joey while Vince and I sit down surfing channels.

I sat down first on the very end of the couch trying to convey I wanted to sit alone but Vince sat right next to me. I have to admit, I like having him so close. I can feel the warmth of his body next to mine. Why does he have to smell so damn good? And how is he able to soothe me without even saying a single word? Just his presence makes me feel whole again. Like I'm starting to remember who I am. That I am determined. That I can and will survive the rest of this year.

Amanda and Joey come back into the living room and sit down with us. Vincent finds a re-run of friends, one of my all-time favorite shows, while Amanda and Joey go over the fact that Vince and I are just friends. He seems very puzzled by the fact that we aren't dating but I notice Vince give him a look that means "shut your mouth right now" so Joey does just that. I only have an hour before I have to leave. I wish I had more time but she's expecting me home. I just feel so comfortable in his house. Sitting next to him. My stomach isn't in knots wondering if I did something wrong, I don't have to worry about getting smacked around or called awful names. It's peaceful. And before I know it, it's over.

Vince drops Joey and Amanda off first. I feel like he wanted to be alone with me even if it is just for five minutes. But when he drops me off at the park he doesn't say anything other than our normal goodbye. Something feels off but I don't question him. I think I'm afraid of what he might say. Instead I just wave and walk home.

I walk in the door to a very quiet house. Which isn't unusual when she is depressed. After putting my things in my room, I make her a fresh ice tea and go to check on her. She is sound asleep. I clear away the dirty dishes leaving her drink on her nightstand. I head to the kitchen to make dinner. While I'm cooking I hear her get up to use the bathroom but she doesn't come into the kitchen. That's pretty typical behavior for her. When she gets depressed the only two rooms she goes into are the bathroom and her bedroom. I don't think she would even eat if I didn't bring her food. I just don't understand it. I have looked up several disorders but I'm no psychologist so I can't be certain about what mental health disease she suffers from. I think it's possibly bi-polar disorder but she doesn't fit all the criteria. All I know is something is wrong with her. She just won't admit it to herself. I have tried to talk to her about it but that just makes her angry so I leave it alone. I can't force her to get help.

After I finish making dinner I take her plate into her room. She is sitting up in her bed watching television. I set her food down and turn to leave.

"Wait. Will you stay in here with me? Bring your dinner and eat with me?"

"Sure Mom." I grab my plate from the kitchen and head back to her room. I go around to the other side of the bed and sit down next to her. We eat in silence with only the sound of the television in the background. Just as I'm about to get up to take our dirty dishes away she puts her hand on my shoulder. It takes every ounce of energy in my body not to wince from her touch.

"Maggie, I'm sorry I lost it the other night. I didn't mean to hurt you like that. I don't know what happens in those moments. It's like I just see red. I lost control. I can't promise that it won't happen again but I will try not to let it take over. I know you don't think I feel bad but I do. I'm not the greatest mother but I do the best I can. One day you will understand the sacrifices I have made for you. Being a single mother isn't easy. So please just forgive me. I will continue to make mistakes, I know that but that's how we learn." Times like this are very rare. This is when I get a tiny indication of the woman my father must have loved. She is actually showing compassion toward her daughter. Even though she doesn't say the words "I love you" I feel like maybe she does. She must on some level. Right?

"It's okay mom. I'm fine. I know you don't mean it. Of course I forgive you. Is there anything else I can get you tonight? I really have a ton of homework to catch up on." I'm sure not everyone would understand the relationship I have with this woman. Why or how could I forgive her for such horrible abuse? She is my mother. My only living parent. What other choice do I have? I decide to make the best out of my current situation, to keep moving forward.

"No. I think I will just go back to sleep. You go ahead and do your homework."

"Okay. Goodnight." I clean up the kitchen then head to my bedroom. I decide to work on the poem first. It's probably going to take the most time since I have no clue what to write about. I lay down in my bed staring at the ceiling wondering how I got to this point in my life. I don't have a father and my mother has more problems than I can handle. I don't have many friends and the ones I do have don't really know what my life is like. That's my own fault. I have a hard time letting people in. I know that. I get my phone out and decide to call Vince.

"Hey stranger. What are you up too?"

"Maggie?"

"Don't sound so surprised Slick."

"It's just, I mean you never really call. Is everything alright?" I immediately hear the worry in his voice and it makes me feel terrible.

"Everything's fine. I was just doing my homework and thought about you. I felt like you wanted to say something earlier when you dropped me off. I guess I just wanted to make sure we were okay."

"Oh. Well, I did want to talk to you but I figured it wasn't the best time so I changed my mind. Maybe the next time we go to the creek I can tell you but it wasn't anything important. Just something about my dad I wanted to share."

"Are you sure that was it? Because it seemed like something more?" Why am I pushing him? It's like I want him to confess some unspoken secret he has.

"I'm sure. So what are you working on? Do you need some help?" I decide to let it go. He doesn't seem to want to talk about it and over the phone probably isn't the best anyway.

"Do you know anything about poetry?" He laughs a little in my ear. I close my eyes trying to picture his face as he begins to relax back into our routine.

"Sorry. You are on your own. Do you have some calculus I can help with?" And just like that our conversation starts to flow like it always has. The tension and awkwardness of the moment have passed. I feel so relieved. I feel like our friendship will survive. It's the rest I'm not so sure about.

We stayed on the phone for almost two hours. I finally told him I had to go before my eyelids closed on their own and he had to hear me snoring again. That of course made him laugh. We say our goodbyes. I check on my mother one more time before going to bed. She is sound asleep. I stand over her watching her face, looking for any signs of the monster I saw the other night. But I don't see it. All I see is a fragile woman trying to hang onto reality. I think that's part of the reason I don't report the abuse. There is still some part of me that loves her unconditionally. Some part of who I am that makes me stay to endure her treatment. The part of me that is connected to her flesh and blood. Regardless of what she does to me she will always be my mother. That's what I decide to write my poem about. The love we carry for others even if they don't deserve it.