Succumbing To His Fear (7 page)

Alfie

“Lily, this way, honey.” Her little feet worked double time to keep up with Griffin, who was on a mission to get to his friend. “Slow down, Griffin. She can’t keep up.” Griffin turned and looked at Lily. He knew why she wouldn’t let me carry her and he knew better than to take out his frustration on her.

Griffin had asked if his friend Lucas could come over for a little while. I didn’t see why not, so I agreed. Lily and I were going to do some drawing and were happy to let Griffin have fun with his friend. Everything was going great up until Lily wanted to join in with the boys. Lucas told her that she couldn’t play because she was a baby and worse than that, she was a girl. Needless to say, there were tears and tantrums and not a little bit of betrayal when Griffin sided with Lucas over Lily. Since then she had done everything to prove to anyone who would notice that she was a big girl and as tough as any boy.

Walking through the large double doors, we saw Nathan and his mother, Yvonne, in the waiting room. Lily was the first to talk when we made our way over to them.

Seeing Penny and Ruby asleep on the chairs, she whispered “‘Lo, Miss Yvonne.” I smiled at her and then gestured to Griffin, who was in what looked like a deep conversation with Nathan

“Sorry if we’re in the way, but Griffin wanted to be here for Nathan,” I told Yvonne. She wiped at her eyes.

“No, of course not, thank you so much for coming. All of you.” I took a seat and put Lily on my lap.

“Have you heard anything yet?” She shook her head and used a tissue to wipe her eyes again. I could feel her working hard to keep it all together. Yvonne’s husband had been on his way home from work when he was mugged and left beaten in the street. Nathan must’ve overheard the police officers who came to notify Yvonne and called Griffin.

Griffin came to me and told me we were going to go and sit with Nathan, the girls and Miss Yvonne because no one should be alone when they are sad. So there we were, offering moral support. Yvonne had told me once that she and her husband had no family close by. She liked to say that people like us, with small families, had to stick together.

Hours passed with no news, and the nervous energy coming off everyone was palpable. I was hoping that the saying “No news is good news” was why the nurses were unusually silent. We’d been told that he was still in surgery, but nothing more since then. The girls were awake and playing with the paper and crayons that I’d brought with us. Griffin and Nathan where digging through the toy box in the corner of the waiting room and Yvonne and I were sitting silently, holding hands. I just wanted to be an ear, shoulder, or even just there to give her a hug if she needed one.

Just as the kids started to get restless, the doctor appeared in the waiting room.

“Mrs. Turner?” Both Yvonne and I stood and I squeezed her hand to let her know I was there for her. “He made it through the surgery with no complications. He’s going to be very sore for a while and he’ll be here with us for a few days I should imagine. But he’s going to be just fine. Your husband is a fighter. Would you like to see him?” With tears freely flowing down her cheeks, I pulled her in for a hug and told her I’d keep an eye on the kids while she went back to visit with her husband.

Sometime later Yvonne came back and when I saw the smile on her face, I knew things were going to be okay. With visiting hours well past over, it was time we headed home. Collecting Lily and Griffin and promising we’d be back in the morning, I offered to keep the kids for her whenever she needed a break. We made our way back through the hospital towards the car.

Everything was going smoothly until I heard Griffin shout, “Fear!” Fuck! I hadn’t been able to get that man out of my head for the past two days. If there were a stepladder handy, I’d climb up and punch him in the face. How dare he make me second-guess everything and then ignore me? Hearing Griffin’s voice, Fear turned and quickly walked to us.

“Are you okay?” Nodding, I explained about Mr. Turner.

“What’re you doing here?” I asked.

“Hayley had her baby. Little boy named JJ, eight pounds, two ounces.” Not thinking, I grabbed Fear and hugged him.

“Congratulations.” Then, to Griffin and Lily, “Did you hear that, guys? Fear’s sister just had a baby boy. Aren’t you going to say congratulations?” Lily put a hand straight up in the air. Fear knew what she wanted and picked her up. Lily’s little arms went around his neck.

“‘Grats, Fear,” Griffin spoke up next

“Thank you.” Man of many words, he wasn’t.

“Okay, well we were on our way home. It’s been a long day. Congrats again, man,” I said, taking Lily from Fear. Just when I thought I’d made my getaway, a large hand landed on my shoulder.

“Wait, Alfie.” Of course, it wasn’t going to be easy.

“What?”

“Look, I’m not good with talking. I’m sorry I was dick.” He was rubbing the back of his neck with his left hand and had his right shoved deep in his pocket.

I knew why he was a dick. Memories of that night had come back to me over the past couple of days. I remembered opening up to him. Sharing my fears, my desires, my needs, and even my pain. Fear was right when he said he didn’t know how to express what he wanted in words. But Fear hadn’t needed words. He’d held me. Skin to skin. It wasn’t sexual, but it
was
a connection. A connection which proved to me that he was letting me in as much as he could, that we were both emotionally open and bare. If the roles had been reversed, I would have been pissed off, too. What I would not have done was kiss his face off, then basically force him to walk away.

“It’s okay, I get it. I would’ve been the same.” Fear looked at me, searching for something in my face.

“You remember?” I nodded, not wanting to talk about it. He uttered, “Sorry, for after.”

“I don’t get you, man. I’m sorry I didn’t remember. But I wasn’t doing it to be an asshole.” I shook my head as if I that would help clear it somehow. “You kiss me and then just act like I’m not even there. I hate that I sound like a fucking girl. But you knew I had never… You did remember what’d happened and you left me alone to deal with the fallout.” I knew that initially I had freaked, but that was different. Looking up at the huge man in front of me, I saw the turmoil and frustration behind his eyes. Deciding to take pity on him, I spoke up. “Look, I have to go. The kids have had a long day. Program your number in here and I’ll call you later.” I handed him my phone and watched as he tapped in his number. I knew he had my number too, when his phone rang inside his pocket.

“If you don’t call me, I’ll call you.” His words held such promise I didn’t doubt them for a second.

I had just gotten Griffin to sleep after promising him that we would call Nathan in the morning to make sure that he was okay, and headed down to relax in front of the telly for a little while. I was so exhausted I could barely keep my eyes open. When my phone rang, I answered without checking to see who it was.

“Hello.”

“You didn’t call.” Just the sound of his voice woke me right up.

“I’ve only just got Griffin down. He had a tough day. I think what happened to Nathan’s dad brought back a lot of bad memories that are still pretty fresh for him.”

“He okay?” he asked.

“Yeah, I have a feeling it’s going to be a long night. Lily is bound to have nightmares after today. Griffin is trying to protect his friend from feeling how he felt when Dad and Claire died. I tried to explain that his mummy wouldn’t let that happen, but I don’t think he can help but remember how it was. He was all alone and had to take care of Lily. It’s just going to be a tough night. And I am fucking knackered.” When there was no response, I thought I had lost him, so when he spoke I nearly dropped the phone.

“What’s your address?” Was he serious? I was far too tired for his shit.

“Fear, I can’t deal with much more tonight.”

“What’s your address?” Didn’t he hear me? I saw no sense in trying to fight it. I gave him my address and we said our goodbyes.

Fear turned up less than an hour later. He didn’t wait for me to invite him in, just walked past me, and sat down on the couch. I was so tired I didn’t even comment on his lack of manners. Dropping down next to him on the couch, trying to rub some of the sting out of my eyes, I sighed.

“How’re Hayley and JJ?”

“They are both good. Sleeping when I left.” Fear suddenly sat forward and grabbed a pillow, placing in on his lap, and guided me to lie down. My body went automatically while my brain was screaming in protest. By the time my head was on the pillow and Fear was stroking his fingers through my hair, I didn’t care what my brain was saying. I was so comfortable and his hand soothing me made me feel safe. “Get some sleep, Alfie. I’ll keep an ear out for the kids.” I was going to argue; tell him I was okay, but I didn’t get the chance because within seconds I was out like a light. 

I blinked quickly, trying to clear my bleary vision. The room was black, apart from the light at the far end of hall. Getting up, I followed the whispering voices I heard coming from Lily’s room to make sure she was okay. 

“You feel better now?” Fear’s deep voice stopped me just outside the door.

“Yeah, I was scawerd. I thought somebody was going to come and take Alfie away.” I could hear the tears in her little voice. During the day, she could keep her fears at bay, but at night, her dreams tortured her.

“No one is going to take your brother away from you or Griffin. He wouldn’t let that happen and neither will I.”

After a short pause, I heard; “You promise?” I entered the room to find Fear wedged into Lily’s tiny, girly bed with Lily on his lap. It would’ve been hysterical if the two of them didn’t look so adorable. Hearing me come in, Fear looked up and gave me what I thought was a smile. Instead, it came off looking more like a grimace.

“You two okay?” Lily nodded and Fear gave a chin lift. “What’re you doing up?” Lily looked up at Fear then back at me, trying to see if she was in trouble for being awake.

“Fear, helped me with my meanmare.”

“He did? You feel better now?” She nodded and yawned. It was definitely time to get her back to sleep. Fear, having the same idea, stood up. Well, attempted to. It took a couple of tries to un-wedge himself. I could’ve offered to help, but all my efforts were spent trying not to laugh at the huge mountain of a man maneuvering himself out of the itty-bitty pink princess bed, all the while trying not to drop the three-year-old girl he was holding. When he finally got up, we both settled and tucked Lily in.

There was an uncomfortable silence while we walked back into the living room. I knew I was the one who had to break it.

“Thank you for being there for her.” It really did mean a lot to me that he was there for my little sister.

“No problem.” Nodding, I started to tidy up. “Alfie.” His voice was so tight I couldn’t help but look at Fear when I heard my name on his lips. I saw his struggle. My urge to walk to him and hold him was overwhelming. I didn’t understand it. I had no idea where the emotions were coming from. I wish I did. This time I listened to my head.

“Fear, it’s okay. You don’t have to say anything.” Rubbing the back of his neck, he blew out his breath.

“There really is so much that I want to say.” I knew that, but I also knew it wasn’t the right time. Not for either of us.

“It can wait, it can all wait,” I said tiredly, sitting heavily on the couch and scrubbing my hands down my face. “I’m not going to question what this is. I’m not going to freak out that I am feeling it for a man, or what that might mean. Even though I have never been sexually attracted to a man before in my life. I’m not going to over analyze why that kiss with you was the best kiss I’ve ever had. And I’m definitely not going to stress the fuck out over the 101 things running around my head telling me that I have officially lost my mind.” Turning to look directly at Fear, I tried to gauge his reaction.