Suffocate (3 page)

“Thanks for coming,” Stuart brightly says folding his arms across his chest.

“Wouldn’t miss it.”

“Hm,” he hums.

I open my mouth to respond when an extremely attractive gentleman appears over his shoulder. “Stuart...”

If he didn’t look like Tom Hardy it would be much easier to be upset.

With a wide grin, one that I feel can only be shared with someone you’ve been intimate with, Stuart says, “Brandon...”

“I’ve been looking all over for you.”

“Well you found me.”

“How about that drink? Rumor has it I’m going to need one to see what’s in the Dark Room.” Brandon smiles seductively not even giving me a second glance.

On a short chortle, Stuart teases, “You might need two.” Turning his attention back to me he says, “If you’ll excuse me. I do hope you enjoy the showing.”

I nod and allow him to walk away, fury creeping up the back of my neck in a very unfamiliar way.

What the hell is that? I’m not...I’m not jealous. I have no reason to be jealous. We’re just friends. And yeah. That’s my fault.

Chapter 4

Stuart

Yeah. I know it was a dick move, but what do you want from me? I’m a little upset even though I know I have no right to be. It’s not like that’s the first time a guy has used me. It’s not like I can jump into a relationship even if that’s what he wanted. It just...hurt. Yes. I’m being a child about it. Sue me. I dare ya. C.J. will get me out of it. It’s what he does.

“You think Blaine will love it?” Brandon questions about one of my erotic photos in the Dark Room, which is completely dark except for the black lights causing the photos to appear more exotic in the combination of poses, positions, and pigmentation.

“Which one?”

“That one.” He points to one of a male form with a pair of sweats barely hanging on. The abs, the cut, and the flow of his body in the side shot look like a beautiful wave. “I think it’d be a great addition to our in home gym.”

“Your gym? As what? Motivation?”

“Sure.” Brandon playfully winks. After I smirk he says, “So, that was your boyfriend?”

“No,” I quickly answer.

“Lover?”

“No.”

“One nightstand?”

“Just...a friend.”

Brandon nods slowly, a look of judgment on his face as he brings his Manhattan to his lips.

“Oh, what?”

“I saw the way he looked at me when I took you away,” he states. “He’s just as smitten as you are.”

“I’m not...I’m not smitten,” I clarify. “And if you recall, my relationship luck isn’t the best.”

Understatement. The way I rebounded after my last one is the exact reason starting one with Luke isn’t a fucking option. It’s one mistake I will pay for, for the rest of my life.

“It’s not,” Brandon sighs before he counters, “but all it takes is just one person to change that. Look at me. Do you remember how quickly I went through guys before Blaine?”

“Like tissues during allergy season? How could I forget? We’ve crossed lovers more than once,” the comment makes us chuckle at the same time C.J. and his girlfriend enter the room.

“There you are!” C.J. exclaims loudly.

Brandon smiles and nods at me. “This one is mine. Do not sell it to anyone else.”

“My word.”

As he walks away Erin gives a slight glare before snapping her head at me. “Is he the reason my brother is extra grouchy now?”

Fighting the pride that’s trying to swell in my chest, I shrug. “What?”

“Luke,” she huffs loudly. “He’s normally the least fun at a party, but he looks like he’s climbing to an entire new level. Pretty sure I saw him snap at the waiter for his bow tie being crooked.”

I snicker and C.J. shakes his head, “Do not play this game Stuart.” My mouth drops to argue and he points at me. “No bullshit. You know what’s at stake—”

“What’s at stake?” Erin interrupts.

“His future,” C.J. spills for me.

Big mouth much?

“His
entire
future. So stop fucking with Luke because you can’t resist the urge to wanna get laid and THINK for once in your life,” he chews me out to the point my mouth screws tightly. “Let him go. It’s best for both of you.”

I know he’s fucking right. I hate that he’s fucking right. You know what I hate more? The fact I don’t know if I can, but I know that I have to.

Chapter 5

Luke

I try to keep my eyes focused on the beautiful black and white photo in front of me. My head travels to the left on it’s own where Stuart is tossing his head back in laughter next to the guy who took him away from me earlier and three other extremely attractive men.

Did he invite every male model he knows here?

“Stare harder Uncle Luke,” the Kid pipes up from beside me. “Maybe he’ll hear your thoughts.” When my head rolls back around to glare at him he snickers. “Man you’re easy...”

“Remember who helps you pass your classes.”

“The cute blonde with tight red sweater?” his head tilts to the side before I make a sound of disgust. “I was just kidding Uncle Luke.”

“Same sense of humor as your father. Terrible.”

“It’s like wine Uncle Luke. It’s an acquired taste.”

“You don’t even drink.”

“Legally.” At the sight of my shocked face he throws his head backwards while laughing.“I swear Uncle Stuart is the only person who gets you this flustered. It’s fucking hilarious.”

“Mouth,” I reprimand him. “And I’m not flustered.”

“So the red in your cheeks?”

“It’s warm in here.”

“And the nervous fidgeting?”

“Don’t you have an adult you should be convincing to give you a drink?”

“Don’t you have an Uncle Stuart to be convincing to give you a chance?”

I give another glare that makes Dean chuckle louder. My eyes wander over just as Stuart places his arm suggestively around the taller of two African American men who looks at him with a look I’m quite familiar with. Another annoyed growl leaves me and I tug at the color of my shirt. “I need some air.”

“You need some Uncle Stuart,” the Kid teases.

“Don’t make me ground you.”

“You can’t ground me.”

“I have that kind of pull.”

The wheels in his head slowly turn before he denies, “You...you can’t.”

“You wanna see what your mother will do for another cupcake?” the threat causes his dark blue eyes to widen. “Exactly.” Stuart’s laugh travels to my ears and I shut my eyes briefly before pointing at him. “Shut it.”

You too.

The Kid smirks but doesn’t say another word before I storm off towards the stairs past where he’s huddled, doing my best not to catch his eyes.

Fresh air will help. I promise you, I’m more stable than this. I’m sure it looks hard to believe, but I am. I swear.

Taking three flights of stairs up leaks me out onto the roof top letting the cool night air hit me like a punch in the face.

A much needed punch might I add.

Thankful to be away from the haunting sound of Stuart’s laugh and the judging eyes of my sister, I stroll around the empty gravel space admiring the city lights I haven’t stopped to enjoy since I was 18.

There isn’t time when you’re trying to help your sick mother.

I walk over to the edge of the building, hands gripping the railing as the busy street looks like something out of a three years old’s playroom. The world is constantly moving and rushing, not stopping to take care of themselves, leading people like me to always take care of them.

Not that I’m complaining. I love what I do. I love taking care of people at work and at home, but sometimes...sometimes I swear I don’t leave time to take care of me. It’s been over a decade of devoting my life to those who rely on me.

The honking of horns and shouting from down below lulls me into a trance where I get lost in myself. In this state of cogitation, my mind slows down allowing me to become calmer.

Unsure of how much time has passed, I’m startled by a voice. “You okay?”

I glance over my shoulder at Stuart who’s loosened his top two buttons, the cross tattoo on his chest peeking out. Turning back around to face the building I was absentmindedly staring at I answer, “I’m fine.”

“That’s why you’re all alone on the roof?” His feet sound like they’re reverberating off the city buildings. “Because you’re fine?”

Fighting the urge to snap I clear my throat. “Shouldn’t you be downstairs at your party instead of up here chasing after me?”

“I’ve chased you for months, why would I stop now?”

His comeback shuts my mouth.

Did he really say that?

Stuart leans against the railing beside me a smug look on his face. “So what bothers you most Luke? The fact you said you wanted to pretend nothing happened or the fact that I am?”

Swallowing the bitter taste of my words I question, “So is that what’s happening downstairs? You’re rubbing it in my face that I made a mistake?”

“So you made a mistake?”

“Yes.”

“What was the mistake exactly? Saying that nothing happened or the fact that it did?”

“I don’t—”

“Because I’m not sure what the fuck you expect from me? I’ve expressed interest in you several times. You run burning hot and one breath later you’re ice cold.”

“You’re much better?”

“I typically only run hot Nurse Man.”

Briefly at a loss for words, I stumble over the ones I do find. “Well—I—it’s just—”

“What do you expect me to do? To follow you around like a puppy?”

“I don’t—”

“Because I won’t do that,” he cuts me off again. “I fucking won’t.” Stuart looks up at the sky and deeply sighs, “I can’t....” My eyes float over to admire his stretched out neck that I’ve spent months wondering how it tastes. “I just...can’t.”

In a soft voice I ask, “Then why are you up here?”

“Because I want you to admit that I’m right. I want you to admit that you liked what happened between us. That you want me as bad as I want you.” The words fly out of his mouth, the light catching the small ball on his tongue. “That it’s killing you to see me downstairs in other people’s arms. I want you to admit, right here, right now that the reason it’s driving you so fucking crazy is because you can’t control this situation.” Hearing the words tenses my hands on the railing. “Because you can’t control me. Because you can’t pick and choose when I show my feelings for you. Because you can’t control how you feel about me.”

Don’t agree with him. He’s wrong.

“Admit it.” He pushes further taking a step closer to me, the heat radiating off him hot enough to make you question what season it is. “Admit you want me.” When he sees I’m not going to respond his eyes drift down to my lips for a moment before he whispers out, “Fine. Don’t admit it....but if you want me...take me.” My hands twitch at the hunger. “Now.”

Lunging for him, I wrap a hand around his nape and yank his lips harshly against mine.

Let’s not judge my lack of self-control. He asked for it!

A loud moan seeps out of him, pouring fuel on the fire of my tongue’s assault on his. Our tongues fight for control of the situation, mine being willing to submit due to the distraction his tongue ring is presenting. Stuart’s hands grab a hold of my waist pulling me into him further, his hard body vibrating against mine. Our kiss gets heavier as my body shifts his so it’s pushed up against the railing, trapping him in place. My hands frantically move down to his pants at the same time my lips travel to his neck tasting something sweeter than I ever imagined.

Holy hell...

Stuart lets his neck fall back groaning in pleasure again the minute my hand covers his bulging erection. “Damn...”

“This what you want?” I growl sexually frustrated. “For me to take you?” My hand strokes his cock again, another groan leaking out as his answer. “For me to just fuck you right here?” When he repeats the sound, it spurs me to spin his body around before firmly pressing my dick against his ass. “For me to fuck you right now?” My mouth plants itself forcefully on his neck, teeth sinking in sharply.

Stuart howls my name, “Luke...”

Exploring one side with my tongue and teeth, I migrate to the other to give it similar attention. After getting a small fill of him, I heavily moisten two of my fingers with my mouth and aggressively push them in the place my cock is aching to be.

He grips the railing bracing himself, “Damn.”

In his ear, in a voice that’s not my own, I snarl, “I do want you.” My two fingers pull out, roll around in my mouth again, and return to prep my spot. “So I’m going to fucking have you.”

The words are out of my mouth before I have time to process the fact I’m not equipped to just take him on the rooftop.

I’m a goddamn nurse for Christ Sake! I know to always be prepared! Always!

“Pocket,” “Pocket,” Stuart moans the answer to my problems while pushing back against my fingers forcing them deeper.

In a swift movement, his pants are down, my cock is wrapped and shoved in a hole that in no way is fully prepared for it. Stuart grips the railing tighter, clearly uncomfortable, but just as desperate for me to continue as I am to do it. Tugging his hips back towards me, I give him everything I’ve got. With my cock buried deep inside him I moan breathlessly. With a rumble of satisfaction, I pump into him ruthlessly, repeatedly, the tightness around my cock suffocating. My grip on his hips is to the point of bruising as I reach a spot so deep inside his knees buckle.

“I can’t...” Stuart mutters into the night air. “I can’t take much more.”

“Then don’t,” I reply.

A few sharp breaths later, Stuart lets out an orgasmic sound that rolls through his body and straight into mine pulling my own out of me on a similar cry. Limp, my body falls against his, the sweat on his neck calling to my tongue for another taste. In slight disbelief over what I just did, I push the gnawing feeling of irresponsibility down and enjoy the fact I just received exactly what I had been dreaming about for months.

Can you honestly say you’ve never acted on impulse and lost a little bit of self-control before?

Chapter 6

Stuart

“I can’t believe I have to have
your
child!” Sara sneers at me from the opposite end of my apartment, close to the front door, hands planted on my modern style misshaped chair.

“I can’t believe I slept with you to begin with!” I yell back planting both my hands on the back of my light gray chase lounge, closest to the floor to ceiling windows of my high rise apartment.

“I can’t believe you two need a goddamn mediator to pick out a fucking hospital!” C.J. says from the gray couch between us, fingers pinching the bridge of his nose.

Why are you staring at that chair like that? It was an impulse buy. It matched the theme.

“He’s being difficult!” Sara snaps, the bobbing of her head bouncing around the curls in her hair.

Swear to God those things are snakes. Avoid eye contact. I don’t want you to turn into stone.

“You’re being difficult!” I toss my hands in the air. “You’re arguing with me for the sake of fucking arguing!”

“That’s the only kind of fucking I wish we ever did!”

God I hate this woman! She has the soft features you imagine an elementary school teacher would have, but the soul of a dark overlord.

“You’re
both
being difficult,” C.J. speaks up letting his head fall backwards. After a deep breath he sits up straight, adjusts his jeans, and leans forward. “Sara, do you have a specific reason that you don’t want that hospital?”

“Because I want it,” I mumble and C.J. cuts me a dirty look to close my mouth.

“I just,” she starts pursing her lips together clearly digging for an excuse. “I don’t know that is what’s best for me and the baby.” Her hands fall to her stomach where my unborn son is growing rapidly.

Yeah. Of all the shit I could get myself tangled up in, it’s this. And no, I don’t feel like getting into how I got myself into this nightmare.

“It’s a great hospital,” C.J. argues for me in a calm, stern voice. “Luke, one of my best friends, my girlfriend’s brother, is actually a nurse there—”

“Stuart sleep with him?”

“Because I have to fuck every guy that enters my life?”

Sh. Not. A. Word.

“Well.” She gives me a look of disgust. ”That’s how queers like you operate isn’t it?”

See why I’m willing to go to such extremes to protect my unborn child from growing up in a house cloaked in hatred. And this is just the tip of the iceberg.

“Luke having firsthand knowledge of the doctors there is a benefit. He also has great information about the nurses. Not to mention it is one of the best hospitals in town, as well as the state, not only for labor and delivery, but in general.” His explanation causes Sara to fold her arms tightly across her chest.

“Fine,” she caves. “It’s not like it’s going to matter. You can’t keep up your end of the deal anyway.”

I toy with my tongue ring, refusing to respond to her childish comment.

Look, I know that because of my ad-hockery in the past I don’t have a concrete future like so many of my friends, but I am working on it. I am trying to do better.

“I’m leaving.”

“Devil worship starting early today?”

C.J. clears his throat at me and shakes his head.

“You’re the one with a one way ticket to hell because you prefer cock to vag.”

“We’re really gonna go another round?” C.J. sighs.

“No.” She smirks at him. “I have more important things to do.” Her face snaps back my direction, “My next appointment is in two days. 9 a.m. Try to be on time.”

We watch her stomp off in her stiletto heels and shut the door loudly behind her.

“I swear my child will be born with poison in its veins instead of blood.” I shake my head slowly.

“No one told you to bury your dick in something to get over having your heart broken.” C.J. tosses his phone on the wooden coffee table.

“I wasn’t heartbroken.” I turn to look out the windows at the beautiful blue sky.

“Can’t lie to me bro. You were.”

Refusing to let the memory rush back in my brain I shake my head. “I stopped being heartbroken over him long before we made it official.”

“Deny it all you want. You were heartbroken.”

I continue to stare out the window at the only city that’s ever felt like home. “I was drunk.”

“Another prime example of why alcohol doesn’t solve your problems, but creates new ones.”

Shutting my eyes I groan, “Please not another lecture.”

“No lectures,” C.J. surrenders. After a long stretch of silence he says, “You know there’s no getting out of this if you break your end of the contract?” I roll my tongue, clinking the metal against my teeth. “If you’re caught in any compromising position that proves you are in a same sex relationship, before she pops, this is all over. You forfeit custody. You are only allowed supervised visits at
her
discretion.”

“I read the paperwork.” I open my eyes back up in frustration.

“Why the fuck did you sign it?” He snaps slight disbelief still in his voice.

“Because it was that or let her get on a plane and completely ruin the small chance she gave me.” My bare feet spin me around on my marble floor. “And before you try to argue with me that I doubt your lawyer skills you know damn well I don’t. You got me joint custody rights even if I have to move back to Maryland as part of the agreement. You saved me from being dragged through a courtroom. I know you’re good at what you do. But she had me cornered. She threatened to out me to my father. To drag my family name through the mud in every newspaper and news station that would listen. And you know what that’s like.”

His jaw wiggles back and forth.

He had something similar happen to him with his ex-fiance. I can’t go into details about it, but you can ask him when you get time.

“Bro she swore that she would make sure I never saw the light in my child’s eyes. I may not have planned on ever being a father, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want him. They could’ve been idle threats, but they’re ones I couldn’t risk C.J. So yeah, I signed my soul to Satan.”

“Then don’t let her win.” He slinks down on my couch.

“I don’t plan on it. It’s only a couple more months.”

“Keep your dick in your pants.”

“I have.”

His head sarcastically tilts at me.

Did you tell him?

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Then last night when you went up to the rooftop?”

“I got some fresh air.”

“And some fresh dick,” C.J. bluntly remarks. Before I counter he shakes his head. “Save your breath. We’ve been friends most our lives. I know your post sex face as well as you know mine.”

With a short shrug I assure, “It won’t happen again.”

“Good,” C.J. says before my cell phone starts vibrating across the table. “Besides the fact that’s my girlfriend’s brother, remember it’s not worth losing your son.”

True. Nothing is. But damn, Luke sure could make a guy think selfishly more than once.

Reaching for my phone, I answer the video call from my mother. “Hello.”

“There’s the stranger who I call my son,” my mother hums at me leaning back in what looks like her make up chair. I faintly smile. “How are you?”

“I’m fine.” My tongue wets my lips, the metal immediately clinking around.

“Still have that metal in your mouth.”

“Yes.” I take a deep breath preparing for the list of criticisms that’s going to continue.

Here’s why I hate being an only child. No one to take the pressure off of me.

“And still refuse to get a haircut.” She points to my slightly shaggy blonde hair.

“Yep.”

“How is work? Did you finally take that job with the movie studio?”

On a sigh I glance over at C.J. who is chuckling under his breath.

Up until a couple months ago he was in the same damn boat with his parents. We’re both from a small town in Maryland where money talks and old money talks louder. A magical little place where it’s your job to be exactly what your parents want you to be. In my case that would be a straight lace cog in my father’s political train of bullshit with a wife like Sara who believes her only job is to make sure her legs are open so you buy her jewelry. Sounds fun doesn’t it?

“No. I enjoy being freelance.” I head over and flop down next to C.J.

“But the security—”

“Hi Mrs. Ducane!” C.J. interrupts.

“Christian!” she coos at him.

The son she wanted.

“Well how are you handsome? Your mother says you have a new girlfriend and she’s just delightful.”

Not the word I’d use for Erin. Lippy. Sassy. Bitchy. Any of those are a better fit.

“That she is,” C.J. agrees slowly.

“And how are things with Sara? How’s my grandson coming along? Have you decided to marry Sara yet?”

“Not unless hell is open for snowboarding and ice skating,” I mutter when C.J. speaks up.

“Hate to do this to you Mrs. D, but we were just walking out the door.”

“Sorry mother,” I lie with a smile. “I’ll call you later.”

I won’t. I never call back.

“If you must...” she sighs. “Oh, one more thing before you go.”

Hitting the metal on the roof of my mouth I raise my eyebrows to listen.

“Your father and I will be in town in a few weeks for a banquet. We’re expecting for you to take time out of your busy schedule to see us.”

Like it’s a fucking option?

“Got it mother. Talk to you later.” And with that said I hit the end button and look at C.J. “Where’s the good news in my life?”

“You’ve got me?” C.J. chuckles.

Rolling my eyes, I rest my head against the back of my couch.

You’re right. The good news in my life is across town. And is somehow the worst news possible. Knowing I’ll never get another chance like I had last night is the sweetest fucking disappointment I’ve ever had.