Summer of Love (24 page)

‘Oh, really? “Hello, Gus, how amazing to see you after all this time, by the way I’ve got a little boy and he’s yours.” That would have been good, wouldn’t it?’

‘It would have been fine and if you didn’t tell me immediately there was no reason to wait until now. Why did you? Were you deliberately trying to keep us apart? It’s been weeks!’

‘No!’ It was the first time in the conversation that she lied to him and then she realised she owed him the truth. She let out a long breath, trying to avoid his piercing glare. ‘Gus, I didn’t know you. I didn’t know how you’d react, what sort of a dad you’d be. I didn’t want Rory getting attached to someone who was likely to just go off exploring again.’

He smouldered at her and she edged away slightly

‘You’re an explorer,’ she said gently. ‘It’s what you do. It’s not unreasonable for you to do it.’

‘I’m not an explorer any more!’ he said, still angry.

Sian was just marshalling her arguments again when Richard appeared.

‘What’s going on?’ he said. ‘I heard raised voices.’

Sian didn’t know if she was pleased to see him or not. Nor did she know what to say to him.

‘Sian was just giving me some news,’ said Gus. ‘A piece of information I should have had a long time ago.’

‘Gus, that’s completely unreasonable—’

‘I don’t think a children’s birthday party is the time to discuss anything serious,’ said Richard. ‘Sian, darling, Rory wants to open his presents. I think you should be there.’

Gus pushed past them both and went out through the back door, slamming it.

‘What’s up with him?’ asked Richard. ‘What on earth were you talking about?’

Sian turned to him. ‘Not now, Richard. I can’t talk about it now.’

He frowned. ‘It sounds important. Why can’t you just tell me?’

‘It’s complicated,’ she snapped. And, feeling almost as guilty about hurting Richard’s feelings as she did about Gus, she pushed past him and went to join the group of people round the table where the presents were.

‘And this is from me and Grandpa. It’s tickets to Euro Disney,’ her mother was saying.

Richard came up behind her, obviously having forgiven her for her brief outburst. He put his hand on her shoulder.

Somehow Sian managed to comment appropriately and to encourage Rory to say thank you if he forgot as the presents were opened. She observed her mother writing down who had given what so thank yous could be written later. She was thankful her mother and Fiona had taken charge. She didn’t know whether the others knew the truth but she was grateful that no one was giving her strange looks or behaving awkwardly.

Her brain and her emotions whirled together, leaving her unable to think clearly. Richard’s hand kneading gently at her shoulder was comforting. The fact that Gus was missing was helpful. Then she noticed that Melissa was absent too. At least that meant she wouldn’t be asking questions as well, even if Sian was sure she was interrogating Gus for details and providing comfort when he gave them.

‘Right, now for the cakes!’ announced Fiona when the last of the wrapping paper had been folded and Rory’s breathy gratitude had been expressed sufficiently. ‘We’re very lucky we’ve got two!’

At least no one said, ‘One from each grandma,’ thought Sian, which might easily have happened if Melissa had been there. Everyone else seemed willing to gloss over what had happened earlier.

‘What fantastic cakes!’ said Jody. ‘Look, Annabelle! A dragon! And a shelter, just like the one Gus made where you played! These are amazing!’

‘Yes, Mum,’ said Sian, pulling herself together somewhat, and going round the table so she could hug her mother. ‘That’s utterly brilliant! And Fiona! That shelter is just the best. You’ve even got a little fire in the entrance, and a kettle.’

‘I had such fun making it! Those long thin minty things were good for the branches, along with some cut-up Curlywurlys.’

‘Not chocolate fingers? They’re my standard cake-making aid,’ said Immi.

Fiona shook her head. ‘I started with them but they were too regular. It was awful, I had to eat them.’

This was greeted with chuckles. ‘The things you have to do as a grandmother – proxy-grandmother,’ said Fiona quickly. ‘It’s all self-sacrifice.’

‘And how did you do the leaf litter?’ asked Peter. ‘Is it just chocolate shavings?’

‘
Just
chocolate shavings? Huh!’ said Fiona. ‘I had to spend hours shaving and chopping and when the bits got too small, I had to eat them too. It was a real labour of love.’ She hugged Rory. ‘Now let’s inspect this dragon. It’s very beautiful. A sort of Fabergé dragon.’

Penny stood proudly over her cake. ‘Well, as you can see, I used lots of those little jewel sweeties, in diamond shapes. Brilliant for a spiny back.’

‘It’s a dinosaur,’ said Annabelle.

‘No, it’s just a bit like one,’ said Sian.

‘I did sort of base it on a dinosaur,’ Penny acknowledged with a smile. ‘And I probably did get carried away with the sweets.’

‘Where are the candles?’ said Rory, obviously worried that this vital part was missing from both his birthday cakes.

‘Here,’ said Fiona. She produced two plates. On one, five stripy candles were fixed with icing. On the other a big number five, made out of cake, was studded with five indoor sparklers.

‘What’s all this?’ demanded one of the dads. ‘That’s cheating!’

‘When I was a little girl we just had the candles stuck in the cake,’ said Felicity Andrews. ‘But at school we don’t. We practically have to have a fire extinguisher poised over it if we have candles at all.’

‘Penny and I both decided, separately, that we didn’t want our works of art spoilt by candles,’ said Fiona.

‘Right, Rory, you blow out the candles and we’ll cut the cakes,’ said Penny, taking his hand and guiding him over to the table, now covered in napkins and plates and the two magnificent cakes.

‘Yeah!’ yelled the other children crowding round.

‘I’ve never been happy at the thought of the birthday boy spraying the cake with spit and germs as he blows them out,’ muttered Penny to no one in particular.

While the men stood around chatting, the women cut the cake and served it out. Most people wanted to take theirs home and Sian was put on wrapping duty. Unfortunately her ability to cut complicated geometric shapes was hampered by emotional overload.

When the last man, woman and child had taken away a piece of cake – in some cases two pieces, one from each – Richard said to Fiona, ‘Do you mind if I take Sian and Rory home now? Sian looks exhausted and Rory probably is too.’

‘Oh, but I can’t go without clearing up,’ said Sian, wishing she could with all her heart. ‘I’m fine and Rory can always go and watch television if he needs to slump.’

‘Absolutely,’ Fiona said to Richard, ignoring Sian.

‘Yes,’ agreed Penny. ‘I’ll help Fiona here and let myself in later. You take Sian off to bed.’

‘Yes,’ repeated Gus, appearing from nowhere. ‘You take Sian off to bed,
Richard
.’

Chapter Sixteen

When at last her clock showed it was five thirty in the morning, Sian got up with a sense of relief. She no longer had to battle the night to try and force herself back to sleep; she could just give in and be awake. After all, it was nearly six o’clock. That was a more or less sensible time to get up.

She made herself a cup of tea and went into the garden. She’d pulled on an old cashmere cardigan, fluffy from too much washing, over her nightie. It promised to be a beautiful day, but she still shivered slightly, whether from cold or from misery she couldn’t tell.

The dew on the garden gave everything, even the weeds, a softness, like velvet highlighted with sparkles. Everything, from the roses on the pergola to the bean plants, the first of which Rory had picked a couple of days ago, to the compost heap, looked beautiful and new and full of possibility.

It almost made Sian cry when she’d resisted tears all night.

She hugged her mug for warmth and pulled her feet up under her, smoothing her nightdress over her knees. Would life ever be normal, peaceful, again?

From the corner of her eye she noticed movement over the garden wall and realised there was a dark head bobbing up and down; someone was running. Even without seeing his face she knew it was Gus. When he came up the hill a bit he would be on a level with her and if he looked up, he would see her.

She almost went inside to avoid him but then she wondered why she should. She was in her garden enjoying the early morning. She wasn’t going to be driven away by someone who probably had no idea she was there. It wasn’t six o’clock yet. If she kept very still he might not notice her.

The head stopped. Two seconds later Gus had come into the garden. He was wearing shorts, trainers and a torn T-shirt.

‘Hello,’ he said.

She shrank back. She wasn’t dressed, which made her feel vulnerable, and he was obviously just as furious as he had been the last time she saw him. He was sweating and with the sweat he was radiating something she read as deep hatred and anger.

‘Hello,’ she said cautiously.

‘Is Richard here?’

She frowned. ‘No. Why should he be? Do you want him?’

He put his foot on the edge of a box full of flowerpots and seemed to relax a tiny bit. ‘I just thought he might have stayed the night, having “taken you to bed”.’

‘It wasn’t like that. As you know perfectly well. Besides, my mother’s staying with me. Honestly.’ Why must he always jump to the wrong conclusions?

He shrugged. ‘I realise I don’t know very much about you, or what you might or might not think is acceptable behaviour. Nothing I thought I knew perfectly well is true any more. My life has been completely turned upside down since yesterday.’

She felt the same but didn’t say so. However much turmoil she’d been going through, it must have been worse for him. ‘I’m sorry.’

She wasn’t going to be allowed to get away with such a simple statement. ‘You should be, you should be bloody sorry. And we need to talk.’

She sighed, sure she was just as sorry as he wanted her to be but not sure she could express it in a way that he would ever accept. ‘We are talking.’

‘I mean, we need to talk without having to keep our voices down.’

He was right. He couldn’t express his indignation and she couldn’t explain all the decisions she’d made since she found she was pregnant in whispers. She considered what best to do. She didn’t want to have to make a date with him, better get it all over with now.

‘OK. I’ll tell my mother I’m going out so she can look after Rory when he wakes, and I’ll get dressed. We can go for a walk.’

‘Don’t be long.’

She left him pacing like an angry bear in the garden and went to wake her mother.

‘Mum?’ she whispered. ‘Gus is here,’ she went on, in reply to her mother’s murmur. ‘He wants to talk. I owe it to him. Will you look after Rory if he wakes before I get back?’

‘Of course, darling.’ Her mother sat up and then shook herself awake. ‘Good luck.’

Sian pulled on her clothes quickly. Jeans, a T-shirt, trainers and her cardigan on top. She might get too hot but the softness of the cardigan comforted her and she needed comfort right now.

She pushed her hands through her hair in lieu of a brush, did her teeth and smeared on a bit of moisturiser and she was ready. Make-up wouldn’t help her now. Better face Gus just as she was.

‘Where are we going?’ she asked when she stepped into her garden again.

‘We’ll go round the village. It doesn’t matter. We’re not going to be looking at the scenery.’

Sian braced herself for a difficult hour. She didn’t think she could cope with any longer than that and she didn’t think she could get away with any less.

They went out of the gate and set off down the road towards the village, away from Fiona’s house. They had only got a few yards before Gus began.

‘OK, what I need to know is, why you didn’t tell me as soon as you reasonably could?’ Gus sounded as if he was trying hard to be calm but not finding it terribly easy.

Sian felt he would never understand, however long and hard she tried to explain, but she had to do her best. ‘I had a lot to think about. I never expected to see you again. I had always assumed I’d bring Rory up on my own, without a father.’

‘But what about Richard? I don’t think he assumes any of those things.’

‘Richard is nothing to do with this!’ Sian caught at a bit of loosestrife flowering on the verge as she passed so she could keep her hands occupied.

‘Isn’t he? I think he is. I think he sees himself as your husband and Rory’s stepfather.’

Sian didn’t reply immediately. She knew he was right and she knew she hadn’t properly considered Richard in all this. Knowing she didn’t love him, not like that anyway, she’d set his feelings aside. But was that wise? She recalled the look of hurt and confusion on Richard’s face when she’d told him last night, when he’d taken her home. Hurt that she hadn’t felt she could tell him earlier and confusion because he wasn’t sure what that now meant in terms of his relationship with Sian and Rory. She had been relieved that he hadn’t pressed her for more details and left shortly afterwards ‘And why wouldn’t he? Boys need a male role model,’ Gus went on.