Superstar (16 page)

“Just answer one question Sioux. Who is it
you don’t believe is capable of having a relationship. You, or me?”
And without waiting for an answer he stormed out of her house. To
his credit he didn’t slam the door but she could hear the
controlled violence in the way he closed it.

She sat down on the edge of the bed as one
hot tear carved its way down her cheek. “That’s easy, my love,” she
whispered in the echo of his absence. “Me. I don’t trust me. What
if I mess this up, too?”

Chapter Nine

Benny stopped talking as Sioux entered the
dance studio Kwai was using for her rehearsals. The legendary
choreographer cocked one sleek hip with her arms akimbo. Benny was
one of the most disciplined people Sioux knew. Though in her
fifties now, the woman maintained the dancer’s form she’d premiered
on Broadway in her twenties. Her smooth kobicha brown skin was kept
wrinkle free probably through sheer force of will with a beauty
routine as regimented as her diet. “Please tell me you’re not about
to get your no dancing ass in the show,” Benny said.

“Oh no, Benny. I’m just here to watch.”
Sioux couldn’t help but wince when the other woman looked relieved.
She wasn’t
that
bad a dancer, though everyone knew Kwai was
the best dancer of the three of them. Watching her onstage now with
her back up dancers, Sioux was relieved when she didn’t feel the
slightest twinge of envy. This was Kwai’s element. She belonged
there and always had. Sioux had been worried about feeling jealousy
or resentment, but the only thing she actually felt was relief.
Even Benny’s comment about her ineptitude at dancing hadn’t stung
as it once did. As it had once motivated her to practice until her
feet bled and she vomited in exhaustion more than once. It was the
truth. It was as Thad had said. She wasn’t a star. She was a
musician.

The revelation was so counter to everything
she believed about herself it took several moments for her to
realize someone else had entered the studio. Trig. He was halfway
across the cavernous room to where she was standing in the open
area in front of the stage before she even noticed him. With a
smile she stepped into his embrace and got her next surprise in
what was apparently going to be a day of revelations. Trig was
probably one of the most strikingly attractive men she’d ever seen.
With his smooth umber toned skin and golden brown eyes he was what
wet dreams were made of. Rumor had it that he was on the short list
to star in a Marvin Gaye bio-pic. He was born for the role, having
the same sensual magnetism as that legendary singer. At one point
in her life she would have given anything just to see his puckish
grin. Now all she felt was…not nothing, because she definitely
still cared about him. But the crazy, all-consuming
need
for
him was gone. Now all she could see was a pair of intensely focused
bright hazel eyes that made her feel as though she was the only
woman in the world. She shook her head, determined not to think
about Thad. It had been two weeks. Soon he’d be gone for nearly a
year on the world tour. She knew she’d made the right decision. She
was no good for the man. He deserved someone more…whatever. It just
wasn’t her. Why couldn’t he see that?

She forced herself to focus on Trig, and
wasn’t that a wonder? At one point in her life she could think of
little else but this man. The spacious studio didn’t have the best
acoustics so she made sure to speak in hushed tones when she
addressed him so as not to disturb the rehearsal that was still
going on.

“What are you doing here?” Sioux asked. For
a moment she wondered if Kwai had set them up. But Kwai wasn’t that
stupid. Besides the girl was so busy these days she barely had time
to tie her shoes, let alone worry about Sioux’s love life.

“I worked on some of the songs on Kwai’s
album. She asked me to stop by to check it out,” Trig said.

Sioux wondered why Kwai hadn’t mentioned
that bit of information. Then shrugged. There were a number of
perfectly plausible explanations.

“I thought you’d be getting ready to head
down to Australia with Storm Crow,” Trig said.

“No, I was only a substitute when Crystal
Clear dropped out. Then I got sick…”

“Yeah, I heard about that. Are you better
now?” he asked, his brow furrowed in concern.

“Yeah, I’m good,” she said. And she did feel
tremendously better. Physically at least.

“I’m digging your new sound. Your voice
blows my mind. Why haven’t I heard you sing like that before? I
can’t believe you were holding out on me. I was hoping you were
going to be at their club gig at the end of the week so I could
hear you live. I have a feeling those YouTube videos aren’t doing
you justice.”

Sioux frowned. She hadn’t known Storm Crow
had a show. It must have been added to the schedule after she and
Thad blew up. Then she remembered something said in passing right
after she got sick. This must be the show B.T. was talking
about.

“Really? You like my songs?” Sioux couldn’t
help the little thrill his words gave her. Trig was an
extraordinary producer with an uncanny ability to make a hit out of
even the worst song. “Do you have anything for me?” she asked,
automatically slipping into artist mode.

“I think I have a few songs you might like.
Are you putting together an album? Who’s producing you? Who’s in
your band?” he asked in the same vein.

“Slow your roll, partner,” Sioux said with a
chuckle. Some things never changed. “Right now I’m producing
myself. No band yet, though I guess I need to start looking in that
direction. If you know any good people, let me know.”

He frowned. “You know I would love to work
with you…” he began with a regretful shake of his head.

She smiled despite the sadness that swelled
in her chest. “I know. I know. That would be a bad idea all around.
I’m really proud that you got clean. Working with the girl who got
you strung out in the first place would not be a good plan.”

Trig cut off a sharp bark of humorless
laughter. “Is that what you think? That I started using because of
you?”

“Didn’t you? Our relationship was so crazy.
So toxic. I was totally out of control. The paparazzi were
everywhere. You probably started using just to cope with that level
of crazy.”

“You
were
out of control. Apparently
so out of control you didn’t realize that I was too. Nobody can
turn you into a junkie, Sioux. I’m surprised you didn’t learn that
in rehab. I’m an addict because that’s what I am. Luck of the
genes. Personality disorder. Whatever. You didn’t put that pipe in
my hand.”

Sioux stared off into space, not really
seeing anything while her mind surveyed a montage of their life
together. The crazy fights and scenes that were almost nonstop.

“That’s what Thad said,” she said
softly.

Trig whistled softly between his teeth.
“Thad? Hollister?” Sioux nodded. “So, it’s like that, huh?”

“What?” Obviously she’d revealed more than
she intended.

“You and Thad. Everybody is talking about
it. I didn’t think anything of it until I saw the expression on
your face just now.” His tone deepened as he continued. “You used
to look at me like that.”

Sioux shook her head. “There might have been
something, but now, I just don’t know.” He didn’t respond so she
looked up into his face. Trig had such a big personality and his
face was usually so animated it was sometimes hard to read his
expression, but this time it was easy. He looked sad.

“Scared, huh? I know how that feels, but not
taking chances doesn’t make you any less scared. It just leaves you
scared
and
lonely.”

Sioux was surprised by the conviction in
those words. The boy she’d loved and played with was long gone.
Trig was a man, one who had paid a great price for his new
maturity. Maybe she had too. Too high a price.

“So what did you think of the show?” Kwai
asked from her perch on the edge of the stage. They’d run through
the routine endless times until she and her back-up dancers
collapsed in a puddle of sweat and begged reprieve from Benny the
merciless martinet. They were taking a break now, gulping huge
bottles of water while stretching to keep their muscles limber and
to prevent injuries.

Sioux stared at her friend. Though she
hadn’t left the studio, she’d spent most of her time there a
million miles away while she went over the ramifications of what
she’d done. Breaking up with Thad had been stupid. Trig was
absolutely right, she had herself way overrated. Thad was a grown
man with more than adequate defenses against any destructive
influences. But right now she had to deal with her friend who was
frowning in concern now at Sioux’s non-response.

“You know what I think. You guys are
awesome. You’re going to be in the stratosphere,” Sioux said as she
noticed her friend studying her very closely.

Kwai shoulders slumped. “Thank God. You had
me worried.”

“Worried? About what? Surely you weren’t
seriously worried about the show. Hell, Kwai you could do this in
your sleep, and if I’m not mistaken you have more than once. What
were you worried about?”

“Not the show. I was worried about you.”

“Me? Why were you worried about me? I know
you’re not still tripping about me touring with Storm Crow.”

“No, I thought you might, I don’t know. I
guess I thought you might be jealous.”

“Of you? Kwai, I love you. You’re my girl
and have been for my entire life. I could never be jealous of you.
I’m happy for you. You’re doing what you’ve always wanted to do.
How could I be jealous?”

Kwai shrugged. “I don’t know. You just
seemed so lost there for a minute and I realized that you’d given
up something you’d worked for your entire life. If I had to give
this up, I know I would die.”

“And that’s the difference between you and
me. I’m fine Kwai. Really. Besides I haven’t given up singing. I’ve
just stopped being a star, and I’m in a good place. I’m right where
I wanted to be. Where I’ve needed to be for years. Now, how are you
feeling about all this?”

“So excited I can’t sleep and terrified out
of my mind.”

“But you’ve been doing this forever.”

“No. No I haven’t. I was in your shadow. I
had somewhere to hide.” She continued when Sioux tried to
interrupt, “Yes. I was in your shadow Sioux, and it’s exactly where
I wanted to be. You didn’t put me there, you tried to pull me out,
but I was too scared so I let you take the lead. And now I know
it’s worse than I feared. Being front and center is scary as
hell.”

“Let’s not make me into a saint for God’s
sake. It’s not like I didn’t want to be out there. I wanted. I
needed to be a star. And I scratched and clawed until I got
there.”

Kwai flopped back on the stage and lay
quietly for a long moment before she started laughing. “Listen to
us. Aren’t we supposed to be all
Dreamgirls
and shit?
Sleeping with one another’s men, going behind each other’s back to
steal the spotlight.”

Sioux turned up her nose as though smelling
a rotten egg. “Ewww. I draw the line at screwing Topher. That’s
almost-incest.”

Kwai sat up sharply as though on a puppet
master’s string. “Topher? What are you talking about? I never slept
with Topher.”

“Uh-huh. That’s not what he said.”

“What the hell…When the hell…No. I’m not
going to ask about him. I can’t believe that little bastard is
talking about my business like this.”

“Oh, so now he’s your business.”

“Bitch. What about your business?”

Now it was Sioux’s turn to obfuscate. “What
business? I don’t have any business. I think I’ve messed up any
business I might have had.”

“Really? You looked mighty cozy with Trig.
Where did he go, anyway?”

“He left a while ago. Told me tell you the
show was great and he’d be in touch. I didn’t know he was writing
for you.”

“I didn’t think to tell you.”

“No biggie. It was good to see him. We had a
lot to talk about.”

“Oh, did you?” Kwai asked, waggling her
brows suggestively.

“Do you do any thinking above your
waist?”

“Not if I can help it. The way he was with
you I’m sure he’d take you back. Though I can’t believe you want
him back. I must admit, the boy is looking damned good these
days.”

“Why are we talking about Trig?”

“Weren’t you when you said you’d messed
up?”

“No. I messed that up beyond repair years
ago.” Sioux sighed heavily and after considering for a moment she
decided to go ahead and share the news even though she knew Kwai
was going to have her head for not telling her sooner. She was
desperate for someone to talk to. “I was talking about Thad.”

“Thad? But you said…never mind.” She shook
her head at Sioux. “What did you do to screw up this relationship
you never claimed to be having in the first place?”

“I told him I don’t love him.”

Kwai shrugged. “And? I mean, if you don’t
love him…”

“But that’s just the thing. I do.”

Kwai picked up her water bottle and chugged
down the last few ounces. “I swear Sioux, you’re the only woman I
know who can fuck up a wet dream. I’m too goddamned tired to
understand this. If you love the man why did you tell him you
didn’t?”

“I didn’t want to mess him up the way I did
Trig.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake, you didn’t…” She threw
up her hands in disgust. “Never mind. Sioux. Call the boy.”

“What if he won’t talk to me?”

“When did that ever stop you? Hell I don’t
want to talk to you. Lying heffa. Call. The. Boy.”

“I was going to tell you about it. It just
happened so fast and you’ve been so busy, and I’ve been sick.”

“Oh yeah, it happened so fast you couldn’t
send a text:
Nailed Guitar Geek.
How much time would that
have taken?”