Authors: Maddy Edwards
Mae must have known how angry I was getting, but she didn’t have time to react when I leaped at Terry. Katie didn’t know me well enough to know the pain and fury going through my mind, and she sat stone-faced with shock as I moved to attack her guest.
Terry sat there open-mouthed, the smug smile that had been melting across her face since she walked in the door gone, a look of horror replacing it.
But just as I was about to grab Terry, someone grabbed me. Strong hands wrapped around my arms and pulled me back into my chair. Landing with a thump and an “uff,” and turning to see who had grabbed me, I found myself looking up into Seth’s eyes. My mouth went dry and my heart starting thumping erratically in my chest. His mouth was a thin line and his eyes looked like ice crystals in January.
“Simmer down,” he murmured so that only I could hear. “She’s trying to get a rise out of you and you’re letting her.”
To everyone else he said, “Morning,” still leaning over me, still with his warm hands holding me in place. I squirmed against him, remembering what I had been trying to do as soon as my mind recovered from its momentary mushiness.
“Morning,” said Katie, her mouth hanging open. “Where did you come from?”
“The front door,” said Seth. “Shockingly enough. That’s how people enter dwellings these days.” His eyes shifted to Terry and I was relieved when that cold gaze was no longer shining right on me.
“Terry? What are you doing here?” His voice was husky and familiar, but I couldn’t call it friendly. Good.
“Watching you assault one of your guests, apparently,” said Terry, recovering quickly from the brief lapse in which she had actually showed a real emotion.
I pushed Seth’s hands away, uncomfortable with his touch and with how rattled I was. I told myself I was only upset with what Terry had said, but I wasn’t so sure that was true.
“Yes, well, it would have been a lot worse if I hadn’t gotten home in time,” he said to Terry. “Maybe you should go.”
“I just got here,” said Terry, waving away his suggestion like it was so much hot air. “I think I’ll stay a while longer. Besides, I had no idea that members of the Roth court had such poor manners.”
I felt cold. What I had just done was inexcusable, and everyone in the room knew it. Whether or not Terry had been trying to provoke me was irrelevant. I obviously had no control over my emotions. If I hadn’t been so shocked, I would have been crying like a baby at that very moment. If I needed any more proof that I was too damaged for a real relationship, here it was.
“Suit yourself,” Seth said. He stepped away from me reluctantly, went around to the other side of the table, and grabbed a chair next to Katie. He sat back, his eyes still fixed on Terry.
“What did I miss?”
I wasn’t sure if he had heard our conversation or if he really needed to be told why I had just tried to hit a member of the Marchell Court.
“She was asking about Holt,” said Katie to her brother. “She knew better, but she did it anyway.”
“Excuse me?” Terry asked, shocked. “I most certainly did not. It’s been months, and from what I heard Susan is a hopeless, party-loving flirt. Since that’s the case, how was I to know how highly she valued her dead cousin’s life?”
Mae’s eyes widened again, but I had the hang of Terry now and I was not going to let her upset me again.
Seth was still sitting back in his chair.
I wondered if Teegan knew how evil Terry was. I was glad she wasn’t destined to inherit the Marchell throne; that would have been a truly miserable prospect. I also wished I could get a better read on Seth and understand what he was thinking.
For a few long seconds, no one said anything. But it was Terry who blinked first.
“Well,” she said, “I can see I’ve outstayed my welcome. Susan, dear, I do hope you know it wasn’t my intention to hurt you.” Her eyes had gone a milky brown. I knew that face. It was the one Lydia Cheshire made when she was lying. I decided Terry wasn’t any better than the Cheshire girls after all, but I didn’t call her on it, I just nodded, because I didn’t trust myself to speak. I had been looking forward to the Marchells’ party, but now I wasn’t so sure. I wanted to see Teegan again, but maybe not at the cost of spending much more time around Terry. I locked my hands in my lap so that she wouldn’t see how much they were shaking. They felt ice cold despite the hot day, and I had every intention of going to take a hot shower—another one—when she left.
“Anyway, I look forward to seeing you all tonight,” she said, when no one acknowledged her non-apology.
“I’ll walk you out,” said Katie, looking dazed. Obviously, whatever she had expected from Terry’s visit, it hadn’t been what actually happened. Katie probably hadn’t been exposed much to the inner workings of a nasty Fairy Court.
“Thank you,” said Terry. “It’s wonderful to see that despite your guests’ poor behavior you still have manners.”
“Terry,” said Seth, in a tone that said clearly that he would not tolerate anything further from her.
Terry paused. She had been walking a fine line all along, and I had a feeling she knew she had just stepped over it.
“Yes?” she asked too sweetly.
“I would appreciate it if, when you visit my house, you treat my guests politely,” he said. “As a guest yourself, you don’t have a right to insult them.”
“Don’t you mean your father’s house?” Terry asked coldly, then swept out of the room after Katie.
Seth’s face didn’t flush and it didn’t look like his heart was beating so fast it was about to jump out of his chest, but he didn’t look away either.
“So, when Katie calls Terry nice she’s using the term loosely, right?” Mae asked dryly.
“ Mae, would you be all right if Susan and I headed out to the garden?” he asked. I was surprised to realize that he was furious. At me? I had no idea, but he better not be! Terry had had no right to say those things. Maybe I had reacted strongly, but she deserved no better.
“Of course,” said Mae hurriedly. “I was just thinking I should head out.” And without so much as a word to me she got up and hurried out of the room.
Seth offered me his hand and I took it hesitantly, but his smile got wider as he led me outside. “Are you okay?” were the first words he said once we were in his mother’s garden. He had made sure to avoid the front hall, where Katie could be heard sending Terry on her way.
“I’m fine,” I said, shrugging. “You don’t need to worry about me.” I was used to taking care of myself. I would have to get used to it in this new context, and now was a good time to start.
“You aren’t fine,” he said. “You just tried to slap a guest of mine. Granted, she deserved it with every fiber of her mouthy being, but still. If I hadn’t come in. . . .”
“Are you saying I can’t beat her in a fight?” I demanded, incensed.
He laughed softly. “Good to know that’s what you got out of my not wanting you to slap her. I would never dream of implying that, but you shouldn’t have tried to slap her.”
Fury bubbled up inside me. He was going to lecture me about behavior! The nerve!
“Where are we going, anyway?” I demanded. I was uncomfortably aware that my hand was still in his. I tugged, but he wouldn’t release me.
I halted. “Look,” I said. “So, I reacted strongly. So what?”
“So, you’re upset,” he said. “Shouldn’t you talk about it to someone? What happened with Holt. . . .”
“What happened with Holt is NO ONE’s business,” I snapped. “How dare you drag him into this?”
Seth looked surprised by my fury.
“You can’t just bottle up all your emotions and not talk about them.”
“I’m fine,” I gritted out. “It’s not like you talk about your family.”
His face darkened. “That’s different.”
I tugged my hand out of his. This time he let it go. Pain was threatening to overwhelm me again and I desperately didn’t want to cry in front of Seth.
“Look,” I said. “Just leave me alone. Okay? I’m not going to talk about Holt. I can’t. . . .”
I swiped angrily at a tear that trickled down my cheek, and without another word I stomped off down the path toward the woods. I didn’t know where I was going, I was just moving blindly. The thought that maybe Arsenal wasn’t the best place for me after all crossed my mind. I had thought I could skate on the surface here, enjoying a nice home and good company, and forget about the Roths and the Cheshires. But the truth was that those Fairy Courts were who I was and always had been, and running away wasn’t going to do me any good. Obviously.
I glanced over my shoulder once. Seth was standing there helplessly, looking after me.
~ ~ ~
I went back to the burned patches of earth I’d seen before. It was a long walk, and by the time I was there my feet hurt, my legs were covered in dirt I had kicked up tramping through the earth, and I smelled faintly of pine needles. The worst of my pain had subsided, but my chest still felt tight.
I sank to the ground next to the scorched earth, relieved to notice that it already looked a little better than it had the first time I had seen it. I flung myself onto the ground and sobbed, not really even knowing why. Maybe it was just to release the emotions of the moment. I still missed Holt—I doubted I’d ever stop—but I had stopped crying uncontrollably for him months ago. Mostly.
After what seemed like a long time, I had myself in hand. I snuffled a little and looked around to find myself sitting on a log. I was a complete mess. I tried to do something with my hair, but it was so tangled I just ended up pulling it back into a ponytail. Luckily I had a handkerchief with me, so I could mop up the worst of my tears.
As I was sitting there trying to put myself back together, I saw something dark move beyond the trees. Frowning, I squinted. I don’t know if it’s true for everyone, but for me it’s hard to see when I’ve been crying for a long time: watery vision isn’t good vision. I squinted again and saw the same dark blot flitting away from me.
After a moment of fear, realization dawned on me. It must have been the girl that Seth had chased after, and whatever he had said to her, it obviously hadn’t worked very well, because here she was again. She also obviously wasn’t stealing flowers.
“Hey,” I called, standing up. “Stop!”
I opened myself to my Glamour just a little. I thought of using plants to stop her, but I was surprised to realize that this girl, whoever she was, had Glamour too. Unable to bring myself to really come close to touching my power, I simply stared after the dark dot as she moved further and further away.
After a while I started after her, but by that time there was no way I could catch up. I finally paused when I saw a piece of paper lying on the ground. I picked it up, expecting to find an old bit of a users manual or some kind of guide to the wilderness.
Instead it was a note.
To me.
The contents shocked me.
Susan, Run. While you still can. Or else
.
I made my way slowly back to the gardens. It took a long time, mostly because I was deep in thought; I knew my way now and didn’t have to worry about getting lost. Even with my stomach grumbling hungrily—it was long past lunchtime—I wanted to go to Seth’s special garden instead of to the house. I wasn’t sure if it was because I wanted to be close to the flowers or because I wanted to feel closer to Seth, but either way I was drawn that way.
When I got there I was mortified to see Seth waiting for me. I desperately needed a shower. And a comb.
He looked up as I came through the woods. “Hey,” he said, rising. His eyes were filled with hope. “Look, I’m sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to order you around. You’re right. I can’t possibly understand what you’re going through and I’m sorry.” He said it with such heartfelt sincerity that I didn’t think I had any choice but to believe him.
I searched his face, trying to decide if I should tell him about the note. I was sure of one thing, and that was that if he saw it he would make me leave. Whatever was going on at Arsenal was dangerous, and he didn’t want to tell me about it. I had decided on the walk back, as I thought it over, that the girl who left the note must be a Marchell fairy. That was the only explanation I could come up with for her having left me a threatening note and Seth not wanting to tell me about what was going on. He wouldn’t want Fairies from other courts to know he was feuding with the Winter Court.
The whole thing was almost comical given Mrs. Cheshire’s stance toward the Roths. Seth should have realized, I decided, that winter and Summer Courts fighting with each other was nothing new, but if he didn’t want to talk about it that was fine with me.
On the other hand, I certainly wasn’t going anywhere because of some stupid note. I still needed to see Teegan and there was no way I was going to let Terry get the better of me.
“Are you okay?” he asked when I didn’t respond to his apology. I felt bad for letting him worry.
“Yeah, of course,” I said, trying to smile reassuringly at him.
“Come here,” he said. He hesitated for just a second and then took my hand in his, leading me into his garden.
He had prepared a picnic.
Lunch!
I grinned as I sat down, quickly grabbing up a sandwich and biting into it. I was famished. Between the crying, the long, long walk, and the threat, I really needed food. Seth tried a couple of times to start a conversation, but he gave up when, for the first few minutes, my mouth was full of food and I didn’t reply to anything he said.
Hey
, I thought,
I like to eat and I already look terrible; he can’t possibly have a worse impression of me, so I might as well embrace it and not be hungry.
When my hunger was sated a little I looked up to find him grinning. “I see I should have brought more.”
I grinned back.
“Do you forgive me for earlier?” he asked. “I really am sorry.”
“I know,” I said, nodding. “I should have handled it better. I will next time.”
He laughed. “I’m pretty sure Terry isn’t going to come back around here for a long time. You took care of that, anyway.”
“Thank goodness for small blessings,” I muttered.
We spent hours in the garden. I didn’t even notice time passing. He asked my advice on planting. He explained that some of the colors were accidents, and now he wanted to make the brilliant color combinations intentionally. I was surprised when I saw how far the sun had moved westward. We had spent the entire day outside.
Katie had said that Seth was usually busy with the work of running Arsenal, but he had taken the day off to hang out with me. I flushed with pleasure as I helped him clean up. Now that the spell was broken and we had spent more time together, I tried to make sense of my feelings. I had probably just spent the best day since Holt’s death. I still missed him and I always would, but for the first time in almost a year the pain wasn’t as great as it had been. Whenever I started to feel the panic rising I just looked at Seth.
“I can take that,” said Seth, smiling at me as he pulled the picnic basket out of my hand.
Then, suddenly, he was standing right in front of me and I was looking up at his face waiting for . . . I didn’t know what.
I had never felt anything like this before. I had always had a thing for Samuel, and I had lost track of the guys I had dated, but none had ever made my blood heat and my heart race like Seth. When Samuel touched me, a brush of the arm or the shake of the hand, whatever, I felt a spark. It felt good and my nerve endings did little happy dances, but I hadn’t desperately needed that touch to last forever or thought that nothing else in the world mattered but him. I had told myself I’d have stronger feelings if I could know that he’d be mine, but I couldn’t and I didn’t.
Seth cleared his throat. “Um, we should be heading back,” he said. “I have a few things to do before dinner.” But then he leaned down, as if he might be about to kiss me . . . and stopped. We stood there, breathing each other’s air, neither of us moving. Was I about to kiss Seth Arsenal? An image of my parents, the thought of my plan for finding my betrothed, and the memory of Teegan, who I would see at the Marchells’ that night, flashed in my mind one after the other.
I couldn’t do this now.
“You should go first,” I murmured.
Seth looked me in the eye, then nodded and pulled back. My face flushed.
“Is that what you want?” he asked.
“Yeah,” I said, my whole body trembling from his nearness.
“Okay,” he said, his face inscrutable. “Can I walk you back?”
“I’ll follow you in a minute,” I said, pressing my hand to my stomach and hoping to calm my wildly beating heart. He eyed me for another second, then turned and walked away.
At the sight of him going, I thought I might sink back to the ground and cry again, but for a totally new reason. What was wrong with me? We had been about to kiss, hadn’t we? I had kissed boys before. In fact, if I was being honest I’d have to admit that I had kissed lots of them, enough so that I knew when it was about to happen, and never in all my fairy years had I wanted it to happen as badly as I had just then. And yet I had put up a barrier, and Seth had instantly given in to it and walked away! What on earth did either of us think we were doing?
When he left, sadness shot straight to my heart like an arrow. For a long time I had been trying to allow myself to feel only the surface emotions, skating over anything that was too painful. I didn’t want to feel deeply; after what happened to Holt I had gotten into a state where I would have done almost anything not to face the reality of my feelings. If everyone I cared about died, what was the point of caring?
What I had decided in a practical sense was that arranged marriages were better than trying to find love. Marrying someone I didn’t even know would solve a lot of problems. Above all, I wouldn’t have to care. I could just agree to marry him, have a family, and never get hurt again. It sounded like a solid plan. Of course, at the time I worked it out, I’d already been in a bar for three hours, drowning my sorrows.
In my life before Holt’s death I had been the one who embraced other people’s pain and tried to take on their hurt, so they wouldn’t feel it anymore. It was a point of deep and everlasting pride for me to be there for the people I loved, whenever they needed me, in any capacity. The odd thing was that I could still be there for my friends; it was even easy. I just couldn’t be there for myself. I couldn’t touch my own pain. It was all well and good to ask my friends what was wrong and sit there for hours while they told me, but I couldn’t do the same for myself.
Losing my parents had broken something inside me and losing Holt had reopened my fears of loss.
At some level, of course, I knew I was hurting. After all, I was in so much pain I didn’t sleep at night; in that sense it couldn’t be ignored, and I knew it was there, bubbling under the surface. I just knew that it was never going to go away, so why bother trying to do anything about it?
I had always thought of the Roths as a strong family: a pillar of strength, and a pillar that wasn’t made of anything breakable. They were concrete, granite, and metal, not ceramic or glass. They could not shatter.
But then they died. It was as if someone had taken a hard soled shoe and stomped on the pillar and shattered it into a million painful pieces, and now I couldn’t find the peace I had associated with that strong pillar. No matter where I looked or what I did—drinking had become a major pastime for me lately—there was no peace.
It was like a treasure hunt with no ending, an endless burning with nothing to douse the flames.
~ ~ ~
I didn’t stay outside much longer. It was getting late and I was hungry again. Besides, Mae was probably wondering what had happened to me and I had a party to get ready for. Once I was ready to head back I moved carefully so as not to disturb of the growing things. One of the best things about this place was that there were trees shading each side of the road, like careful watchers keeping everyone who visited the garden safe. I felt like I was in the middle of a beautiful nowhere, when in reality I was very close to the house.
I was moving quietly along the path when I heard a crack, and before I knew it, a dark shadow was looming over my head. I looked up just in time to see one of the huge, ancient pine trees tumbling toward me. I gasped and lurched sideways, and my feet just narrowly missed being crushed by the branches.
I fell over so clumsily I got a face full of dust and dirt that left me hacking and coughing. My eyes stung and started to water. I lay in the road, helpless, for several seconds.
When I finally dared to push myself to my feet, I felt dizzy. A tree falling on me would have made sense if I hadn’t been in a garden run by a Fairy Prince. That little added tidbit, and the fact that I was a fairy myself, should have kept me safe from freak happenings like this. The fact that it hadn’t was ominous.
The first thing I did was look up to make sure none of the other trees were about to come down on my head. Once I had reassured myself that I was safe for the moment, I wandered around the fallen tree. It took a while, because the trunk itself was immense and the branches sticking out at every angle covered a huge area.
“This makes no sense,” I muttered. My throat was a little hoarse, but I wasn’t sure if it was from the dust that was now lodged there, or from screaming.
The warning note from earlier jumped into my mind.
I glanced up the road and saw no one. I wondered if Seth might have heard the crash and headed back out to look for me, but I saw no sigh of him or of anyone else, and it was just as well. He was going to be furious.
I walked around to the side of the road, where just a few minutes before the tree had been standing upright like it was supposed to be instead of threatening to kill or maim me. Maybe the storm from the night before had weakened the trunk, but it still made no sense that it had fallen just now. It was a beautiful day, and not only was there no gale force wind, there was hardly a breeze.
What I saw as I got closer to the base of the tree stunned me. Instead of a jagged rip there was a perfect slice. I got closer, running my hands along the freshly exposed wood, which only confirmed my first unbelieving impression: the tree had been cut almost all the way through so that it would tip at the slightest provocation, which would be even easier to arrange, I thought ominously, if you were a fairy and had control over such things.
Someone had cut through the tree trunk, that much was clear. But why? Was someone using the tree to try to destroy Seth’s garden, and it had just happened to fall when I was walking by? Had it been intended to fall on someone else?
I knew these thoughts weren’t normal. Far from it. I also knew that my experience in the last year with Holt and Samuel and the fight over Autumn (well, Mrs. Cheshire’s fight, anyway) had put thoughts into my head that never would have been there otherwise, thoughts of attacks and battle. It no longer felt far-fetched that someone would try to drop a tree on a person’s head. What DID feel far-fetched was that someone would try to drop a tree on mine.