Swear to Howdy (7 page)

I found out about it when I stopped by to pick him up for school the next morning. “You tryin' to get yourself killed?” I whispered when he told me.

He shrugged. “Dad ain't here. And Mama's already left with Rhonda. It's just me and Amanda Jane.” He eyed me. “And, of course, you.”

“I want no part in this, Joey.”

“Don't be a wuss, Rusty. Look. I'll just say he got away. Whose fault is that?”

“Yours!”

“If you'd heard Amanda Jane last night, you'd be all for this.”

“Why? What'd she say last night?”

“She was so snotty you wouldn't believe it. Even Dad had something to say about it.”

“That bad?”

“Uh-huh.” He grinned. “Dad thought Tank was pretty cool, by the way.”

“He said so?”

“Uh-huh. Even Mama said I could keep him a couple days.” He laughed. “And Rhonda wanted a froggie ride.”

I laughed along with him, picturing Rhonda boinging around on Tank.

“But Amanda Jane? When I went down to her room to show her, she told me he was a slime-faced, turd-shaped pile of warts, and slammed the door on my foot.” He stuck his toes in my face. “Hurt like hell.”

“Ouch,” I said, 'cause the second toe was scraped raw, and the nail was black and blue. “Looks like a crappie got it.”

He took his foot back with a scowl. “Very funny, Rusty-boy”

“So when'd you put Tank in her dresser?”

“Five minutes ago. When she was in the john.”

He dragged me into his room and put his ear to the wall. “What's she
doin
in there?”

“Probably just messin' with makeup. That's what Sissy spends all morning doin'. That and fixin' her hair.”

“How can you paint your face over three times and not change your underwear?” He plopped on the bed with a frown. “And I can't go to school without him.”

“You're takin' Tank to
school
?”

“Not for pranks. Just to show off.”

I started to tell him I thought that was a real bad idea, only first off, I knew he'd just call me a wuss again, and second off, right then the roof about shot off the
house from Amanda Jane screaming, “
Eeeeeeeeeee! Aaaaahhhh!
”

“Ha-ha!” Joey cried, jumping up and down for joy. “Ha-ha!”

“
Eeeeeeeeeeeeek
” came Amanda Jane's shriek through the wall. “Joey Banks, I hate you! I hate your guts, you hear me?”

Joey charged out of the room, crying, “You found him? Amanda Jane? Did you find Tank?”

I snuck along behind Joey and peeked into Amanda Jane's room. Tank was bouncing around all over the place. On the bed, off the bed. On the dresser, off the dresser. Joey was pouncing all around, trying to trap him.

“Where'd you find him?” he was saying. “I've been lookin' for him all mornin'!”

“You think I'm
stupid
? You think I don't know you planted that monster in my drawer? Wait 'til I tell Daddy! Wait 'til I—”

Tank jumped and landed on her head and stayed there, wrapping his squooshy green legs around her skull.

“
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagh
!” she wailed, and when Tank shot off her he left squishy green poop running down the back of her hair.

She felt it there, and put her hand up to touch it. “
Aaaaaaaagh
! My hair's
ruined
.” She ran into the bathroom but was back five seconds later. “If he pooped on my things…” She yanked open her top drawer. “There's green slime all
over
my things! It's… it's everywhere!”

“Hey, your hair and your things'll be fine,” Joey told her. “Turds wash right out.”

“I'm gonna get
warts
growin' on my head,” she screamed. “I'm probably gonna get—” All of a sudden her eyes bugged out, then she whipped around and started digging through her underwear drawer. “I swear to God, Joey, if you took…” She slammed the drawer shut, then spun around and held a sharp breath. Her head started swayin' side to side. She looked deadly as a cornered snake. “Get out. Just get out!” she hissed. “And if I ever catch you in my room again, the rest of you will be wishin' it felt as good as your toe.”

“Yes, ma'am,” Joey said. He had Tank between his hands and was backing for the door. “Yes,
ma'am
. And I'll make sure Tank don't—”

She shoved him out and slammed the door. “I hate you, Joey Banks!”

Joey grinned a loopy grin. “Let's go, Rusty-boy”

Tank was too big for a pocket, that's for sure. So Joey gave him a quick soak in the sink, packed a bottle of water to use for keepin' him wet, then stuck him and a bunch of grass in a box. Then off we went. And true to his word, Joey didn't pull pranks at school. He just showed Tank off. And it was cool being with him, hearing him tell the tale of how we caught him.

The girls all
eeeewed
and pinched up their noses, but the boys and teachers thought Tank was the coolest.
Every boy in school wanted to pick him up, only Joey told them all, “No chance! Besides, he'll squish poop all over you if you pick him up. Ask my sister. She got it all in her
hair
this morning.”

“Eeeeeew!” squealed the girls.

“Cool!” laughed the boys.

Then Joey told the tale of Amanda Jane's underwear drawer and how Tank bounded clear to the ceiling escaping it. And as the day went by, the tale grew taller and taller, until all the kids were
begging
to see Tank jump.

So when school let out, Joey and me led the rest of the kids down to the field. Everyone circled around while Joey held Tank in the middle. “Step back,” he called all around. “Farther!
Farther
, or he'll jump right over you!”

The circle widened, and finally Joey put Tank to the ground, still holding him around his belly. “Ready?” he called.

“Ready!” everyone called back.

“Are ya gonna touch him?” Joey hollered.

“No!” all the kids hollered back.

“Here goes!” He let loose and stepped back.

Nothing happened.

He took another step back.

Nothing happened.

“Go on, Tank!” he said.

Kids in the circle were starting to gripe.

“It ain't gonna jump.”

“Look at it, just sittin' there!”

“What a dumb frog!”

Joey nudged him with his finger. “Go
on
, Tank, you're embarrassin' me.”

Tank stayed put, blinkin' his eyes slow and careful, moving just his head from one side to the other.

“He's a brick, Joey!” a boy hollered from behind him.

“Yeah. A big green cow patty!”

“A wart wagon!”

Suddenly Tank shifted to the left and went
Boiiiiiiing
…
Boiiiiiiing
…
Boiiiiiiiiing!

“Told you!” Joey cried, chasing after him. “Told you he was a big green kangaroo!”

The whole circle of heads followed after Tank, going up-down, up-down, up-down. “
Daaaaaang
,” the boys all cried. But Tank wasn't heading for boys.

He was heading straight for the only string of girls.

It was the strangest thing. It was like he aimed right for them. Like he knew they'd all squeal and let him through.

Which is exactly what they did.

“Close in,” Joey cried. “Close in!”

About fifty boys pounced on Tank, and about forty-nine of them wound up with squishy green poop on them. But in the end, Joey got him back in the box and promised to bring him to school the next day, and we headed for home.

When we got to the corner of Pickett and Lee, I said,
“You know, Joey, you can't bring him back again. You gotta let him go.”

“Why's that?”

“What's he eat?”

“Flies. Bugs. Nasty mosquitoes.”

“You fed him any today?”

“Hmmm,” he said. “Well, he's still poopin' good. Must mean he ain't totally depleted yet.”

“Why don't we just put him back in the river? Catch him again some other day.”

“Oh, like I'm ever gonna see this monster again once I let him go.”

“Well, you can't keep him forever…”

“Well, I ain't done with him yet.” He put the box down and took him out.

“What you doin' now?”

“I'm bettin' you.”

“Bettin' me?” I asked him. “Betting me what?”

“That he can hop clean across Lee in one jump.”

“What if a car comes by?”

“No cars is comin' by, Rusty-boy”

“They come by all the time.”

“Well there ain't none coming by now. Besides, they gotta stop at the light.”

“Not if it's green!”

“Don't be a wuss, Rusty. Are you in or not?”

“Not.”

“Well, shoot. Just cross over and catch him then.”

“No.”

He gave me a disgusted look. “Fine. I'll do the whole dang thing myself.”

But Tank wouldn't jump for Joey. He just sat there, blinking his big black eyes, moving his head slowly from side to side.

“He's thinkin', Joey. I swear, that frog's thinkin'.”

“He's a bullfrog, Rusty. He don't think.” He nudged him. “Any time, Tank. Do your thing.”

Then a big blue pickup rumbled up Lee and came to a stop at the intersection. Joey grabbed Tank around his belly to hold him safe, but when the pickup pulled forward along Lee and was almost right in front of us, Tank twisted his head and bit Joey on the hand. And he bit him good, 'cause one minute Joey's got him around the belly, and the next he's wailing, “Owwww!” and letting go.

Then the most amazing thing happened. Tank jumped,
boiiiiiiing
, straight forward. And it looked like he was gonna splat right into the side of that truck, only he didn't collide with it. He landed smack-dab in the back of the bed, and stayed there, going along Lee, straight for the bridge.

“Wait! Come back!” Joey cried, running out into the street, flagging madly after the pickup. “You got my frog, mister! You got my frog!”

The pickup didn't even slow for him. It just rumbled along. And when it got to the Lee Street Bridge, Tank
jumped again. I saw him, Joey saw him, but we ain't never told a soul about it 'cause folks all around would've called us nuts.

See, Tank jumped out of the pickup, clean over the guardrail, and I swear to howdy, we heard him land in the river.

That frog bummed himself a ride back home.

Amanda Jane and Sissy cornered us before we reached Joey's house. They grabbed each of us by an ear and dragged us along the blackberry thicket. “Owwww!” Joey and I wailed. “Let go! Let
go
!”

“Hush up. Both of you just hush!” Amanda Jane hissed and dragged us along even harder.

When they'd yanked us a good distance from the road, they let go and stood over us with their arms crossed tight. I figured we were in for it about Tank messin' up Amanda Jane's drawer, but what Amanda Jane said next confused me. Her eyes squinted down to little slits, and she zeroed in on Joey. “In the first place, I cannot believe you would snoop through my things. I have
never
done that to you. In the
second
place, if you breathe a word to Mama or Daddy, I'm gonna tell them about you puttin' that slimy monster in my drawer, about you swappin' out goldfish, and about Smoky.”

Joey's eyes shifted from side to side. “I ain't done nothing with Smoky.”

She snorted. “Oh, sure. Well I got a friend at school who owns a tracker.”

“So?”

“So he says his dog can track down anything. 'Specially dead cats. All he needs is a whiff of Smoky and he'll find him. Dead or alive, six feet under, or washed up the river, he'll find him.”

Joey laughed. “Tell him to come on, then. I ain't done nothing with Smoky.”

Joey just stood there staring her down, and finally she looked away. So Sissy took up the fight. “Look. Amanda Jane ain't told on you about the goldfish, about the frog turds
or
Smoky. All we're askin' is for you to do the same. Fair's fair.”

Joey speared me with his elbow before I could say something to give away that we had no
clue
what they were talking about. Then he said to his sister, “You ain't got nothin' on me. The goldfish is doin' just fine—”

“Thanks to
my
friend tellin' you how to fix things!”

“And Tank got loose, is all. Ain't my fault he found your drawer comfy.”

“Liar! Liar-liar-liar!” Amanda Jane screamed at him. “You knew I wouldn't do nothin' about it! You knew—”

Sissy stopped her and pulled her aside. And while they had their heads together, whisperin' all frantic-like, I asked Joey, “You seen anything you weren't supposed to?”

“It was her
underwear
drawer, Rusty. I didn't exactly go snoopin'.”

“There was somethin' in it. And she thinks you saw it.”

“Some kind of female accessory?”

“Female accessory? What would that be?” I asked him.

“Who knows? Girls got all sorts of secret stuff, don't they?”

I thought about this, then said, “But why'd they be all bent outta shape about some female accessory?”

“Maybe our mamas don't know they're at that level of accessorizin'?”

I shook my head. “Ain't never heard of such a thing, Joey.”

“Me neither.”

“So it must be something else.”

“Like…?”

I shrugged. “Got me.”

Amanda Jane and Sissy returned and sort of circled around, looking at us real suspicious-like. Finally Amanda Jane said, “We'll just call it even, okay? We won't tattle if you don't tattle.”

I kept my mouth zipped while Joey looked from his sister to mine, cool as could be. Finally he said, “I ain't gonna tattle, Amanda Jane. Never planned to.”

“Really?” she asked.

“Really,” he said.

Everyone looked at me, so I just shrugged and said, “I
ain't gonna tattle,” which was the truth—how could I tattle on something I didn't know?

“Well,” Amanda Jane said, blinking away. “Then run along home!”

The minute we were alone, Joey said, “Shoot! I wish I'd dug through that drawer!”

“Me too.”

“Shoot!”

Two days later I started figuring it out. Me and Dad were nosing through the refrigerator looking for something to eat, 'cause it was suppertime and we were both starved to death. Sissy and Mama hadn't even come
home
yet, and Dad was fluxing between his hunger and his worry. He hung on the refrigerator door, digging through leftovers, saying, “What do you suppose is keepin' them?” “Where do you suppose they are?” “Why do you suppose they haven't called?”