Sweet Burden (31 page)

“She’s not very good at stifling her emotions,” Guri said breaking the silence.

Obi stared at the fire trying to ignore him.

“I can feel them so much more while she’s asleep.”

Obi let out a huff and shifted his gaze to the bedroom door.

“You’re not good at stifling yours either. But I would assume it’s since they are so new to you.”

“Guri, shut up,” Obi snapped.

Guri sighed. “You don’t know what you’re doing to that girl. You should tell her how you feel.”

“What do you mean…” he turned his eyes to Guri “…by what I’m doing to her?”

“Nevermind.” Guri appeared as though he was thinking something over carefully and then he spoke again. “No, not nevermind. What are you doing? What are you going to do about Hitomi?”

“I’m doing what I was meant to do. I’m protecting her,” Obi replied trying to avoid the question.

“That’s not what I mean and you know that. You are hurting that girl.”

He gritted his teeth and got up walking over to the fireplace. He stabbed at the flames with the poker and then rested his hands on the mantle. He glanced at the large flower painting that hung above. “I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings,” he whispered.

“Um hm,” Guri mumbled.

“I didn’t,” he said in protest and turned around. “I don’t want to hurt her. I just…I don’t know.”

“You know you feel something more for her. Why don’t you tell her before it’s too late?”

“A shinigami should not have emotions,” Obi said under his breath.

“You’re not a death god anymore. Look in the mirror. Even your eyes are changing. And just because you’re not supposed to feel, doesn’t mean you can’t. You know you feel something more for her beyond protecting her.”

Obi took a deep breath and turned, resting his forehead on his arm against the mantle. “Guri, Hitomi is like a pure ray of light. I am nothing but shrouded in shadows and death. I don’t deserve to feel anything for her.”

“Why?”

“Because of the things I’ve done and the life I lived before. Doing good now does not erase anything.”

“You can’t undo the past. But you should hate yourself for hurting Hitomi.”

“I already hate myself!” Obi shouted. “She deserves better than me. I would be an utter embarrassment to her. And I won’t do that to her. I will not bring her down my path. I would rather torture myself.”

“Well, you’re doing a good job at that,” Guri grumbled. “Honestly Obi, don’t you think she should be the one to choose what she wants? She cares about you regardless of what you are. You have to see that.”

“I’m not good enough for her,” he shot back as he tried not to think about the possibility of Hitomi feeling something for him.

“You’re scared!” Guri fired right back at him.

“So what? Maybe I am.” His shoulders relaxed and he let out a deep sigh. “I am,” he whispered.

“And you have every right to be,” Guri tried to assure him. “This is all new to you. Before Hitomi you hardly had an emotion. It’s not like you’ve fallen in love before.”

Obi’s head whipped around as his body instantly tensed again. “Love?” he scoffed at the idea.

“Yah.” Guri nodded. “Oh c’mon Obi. You’re either blind or dumb. Perhaps both. But you know how you feel about her even if you don’t want to admit it and just maybe she feels the same way about you.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Obi huffed. “How could I ever love?” His chest tightened as he said the word again. “How could anyone love me? I could never be loved.” He clenched his jaw and closed his hands into fists. He had done terrible things and killed people. Those facts were never going to change. He would never be forgiven for past actions. He did not deserve to love her and he certainly did not deserve her love back.

“Give her the choice Obi. She might surprise you.”

“No.” He took a deep breath and his exhale trembled. “I won’t do that to her.” Obi felt as though he was suffocating and the walls were closing in on him. He needed to get away. He needed to think without Guri in his head. He needed Hitomi’s scent out of his system. Letting out another deep breath, he pushed himself from the mantle.

“Obi?”

“What now?” he practically growled.

“How does it feel? To love, I mean.”

He walked towards the door, but stopped with his hand on the handle. “The sweetest burden.” He opened the door and stepped out onto the porch.

“Where are you going?” Guri called after him.

“For a walk.” Obi let the cabin door slam behind him. He turned to the bedroom window and said a silent apology to Hitomi. He removed his jacket and his wings spread out behind him as he looked up at the sky.

****

Hitomi woke up early the next morning. The sky was grey, but a bit of light crept through the curtains. She rolled over in the bed and wiped the dried tears from the corners of her eyes. Staring at the bedroom door, she felt a slight pain in her chest. She could feel something wasn’t right and she quickly crawled out of the bed.

She cracked the door open and peeked out seeing Guri asleep in the chair. She quietly walked out into the main room scanning for Obi, but in her heart she knew he wasn’t there.

“He’s not here,” Guri grumbled as he shifted in the chair. “He didn’t come back last night.”

“What do you mean? When did he leave?” Hitomi asked moving around in front of him.

“He just said he was going for a walk, but he never came back. It was a few hours after we got here. We were talking, he got upset and left.” He let out a sigh and closed his eyes.

Her chest clenched and she felt like collapsing to the floor. “Shouldn’t we go look for him?”

“He’s the tracker, not me.”

“But…”

“He’ll come back. Eventually,” Guri interrupted.

Hitomi tightened her sweater around herself and went out to the porch. It was extremely cold outside, but she hardly noticed as she moved over to an old bench swing. She curled up on it and stared out into the dense woods.

She started replaying everything in her head concerning Obi. She thought about how she could have done things differently. It was because of her that he left. She tucked her head into her arms as her body trembled.

The vision of him in her mind haunted her thoughts. She was trying hard not to face the truth of the situation. He didn’t care for her. He was only drawn to her because that was part of his role. His departure left a gaping hole in her chest and she felt silly. Obi was right. She was a silly little girl. And now she was involved in something beyond her comprehension and alone.

Hitomi had been ready to give her heart to him, but now she realized that he never wanted it. Part of her wanted to search for him just to see him again, but the other part of her wasn’t sure she would be able to handle seeing him again. She wasn’t even fully convinced that he would come back.

Hitomi had no idea how long she had been sitting there when Guri came outside. He stepped in front of her and draped a blanket around her shoulders. He knelt down in front of her and put on a smile.

“What are you doing out here?”

She merely shrugged in response.

“It’s freezing. You’re going to catch a cold.”

“I’m fine Guri. I just need to be alone.”

He let out a sigh and got up walking back into the cabin. She cringed as the screen door slammed against the doorframe and she turned her eyes up to the sky.

He left her alone for a little while, but eventually came back outside and sat down next to her. “Here.” He held out a mug. She took it in her hands and watched the tea bag bob up and down in the hot water. “There’s no food here.”

“I’m not hungry,” she replied.

“You will be. Would you mind if I went to the store?”

She shook her head.

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay alone?”

“Um hm.”

“Maybe you should go inside,” he suggested.

“I’ll be okay.”

Guri gave her a pat on the knee and stood up. “He’ll be back soon.”

“What if he doesn’t…come back?” Hitomi could barely get the words out.

“He will, or he’ll be immobile with pain.”

“What?” Her head shot up.

Guri suddenly looked incredibly uncomfortable like he had said something he shouldn’t have. “Um, it’s kind of one of those protector things. It physically pains him to be away from you.”

“Physical pain?” she repeated with her voice wavering. A twinge ached in her chest and she wondered why she was feeling pain too.

“He’ll be alright. He’ll be back.” He leaned down and put his hand on her shoulder giving it a light squeeze. “I won’t be too long.” Guri stepped away from her as his wings spread out. He flew up into the air and disappeared into the low cloud cover.

Guri left her there with her mind reeling. She completely understood now why he had stayed so close to her. It had nothing to do with protecting her and definitely nothing to do with caring. Obi had to stay with her to avoid pain. This revelation made her feel even more juvenile. She pulled the blanket tightly around her and buried her head.

Guri landed back on the porch within an hour carrying two large bags of groceries. He took them into the cabin and after a short time came back out with a mug of soup.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Eat,” Guri instructed as he sat down next to her. She let out a defeated breath and took the mug. “I’m sorry that you’re involved in all of this. There is an odd upheaval going on in the Afterworld. Everyone is drawing lines and taking sides. This is a terrible situation. I just wish you were not in the middle of this.”

“It doesn’t matter,” Hitomi shrugged and took a sip of the soup.

Guri grumbled something under his breath, but Hitomi wasn’t interested enough to ask him to repeat it. As soon as she had finished her soup, Guri went back inside to leave her by herself. The sky eventually began to darken and Guri brought out some lit candles placing them along the banister. He covered her with an additional blanket and leaned back against the banister watching her.