Sweet Christmas Kisses (105 page)

Pete frowned. He opened his mouth, then closed it again. Finally he said, “You really don’t know? Or do you not care?”

“Not care? I love my sister. What is it that you think I don’t care about?”

“I don’t believe you understand that she cares what you think. The stuff you do, the things you say, hurt her.”

Her chest grew tight. “We all get hurt some time or other.”

He asked, “What did I ever do to you?”

“To me?”

Pete looked at his shoes. “If I ever gave you reason to think...”

“No. Don’t even go there. That has nothing to do with anything. Nothing. My only concern is my sister.” Jess moved closer to the crossover, her fingers twitching in her pockets, the nails digging into her palms. “Lila has never asked for my approval for any man she’s dated, so I keep my opinions to myself, but I see the stress that dating you causes her. The anxiety. I know something about that personally, don’t I?”

“I know she cries. I don’t think it’s because of me or anything I do.”

Pete’s hands were in his pockets, too. His face was flushed despite the chill and the rain. Jess examined him as if inspecting a dead insect. His shoulders drooped and he looked away.

He said, “She cries when she talks about you.”

Jess turned away. She’d heard enough.

She hadn’t forced her opinions on Lila, but she hadn’t been hypocritical either. She never pretended to feel other than she did. She was honest. Always.

“I want to ask a favor. You don’t have to like me, or even go out of your way to be nice to me. I guess I can’t even blame you. But for Lila…for Lila could you try a little kindness?”

Pete left, and Jess had little taste for speaking to anyone else. This seemed an ill-fated day for personal interactions. Not that it was her fault. She hadn’t done anything wrong, but she wasn’t a kid either. By this age, she should know how to finesse dialogue and not use it like a baseball bat.

She didn’t want Pete back. There really hadn’t anything between them worth wanting, just the potential for it, and sometimes the potential was more attractive than what reality delivered. But that didn’t mean she thought Pete was right for her sister.

Jess vowed to stop worrying about Lila. She’d made her choice for companionship and it wasn’t her big sister.

She went back inside. The photo album was lying open on the table and the photographs caught her eye again. Drew was in many of them.

She sat and rested her cheek against her hand.

There he was, a tall, thin boy on the beach with Rob or looking at a seashell with her, even posing with Rob and Dad, cozy on the steps while she leaned on the railing nearby.

Yet, she had forgotten. Not him, but instead the memories that should’ve been very important to her. How did that happen?

****

Jess steeled herself to knock on his door. He didn’t answer. She was glad.

She sat at the end of the crossover, her legs curled up under her, observing the damp sand, the ocean which seemed calmer now, and the heavy, low clouds that had absorbed all of the color and blotted the brightness from the day. Almost one color, one tone. One shade of gray. She filled her brain with the view and her senses with the salty sting of the ocean breeze and the wet chill of the air, and kept every other thought at bay.

Winter’s early darkness was descending even earlier because of the clouds.

She unwrapped her limbs and stood, gingerly getting the blood flow restored to her legs. Would she knock on his door again?

Jess bypassed his door and went inside.

Jess spent the night on the sofa, though not intentionally. She’d fallen asleep while reading a book. The book was resting on her face when she woke and likely was far better rested than she.

She stretched to work the kinks out of her back and neck. A hot shower resolved the last of it. Unlike yesterday, today truly would be a better day. As soon as she went back downstairs and had a bite of breakfast, she’d call Rob.

She visualized it—his family recovered and on their way. She’d bring out the presents and the boxes of tree decorations she’d brought with her, the special ornaments they all remembered, and jump back into holiday mode.

Jess descended the stairs with a lighter step.

Lila’s bags were gathered into a pile on the floor. Lila emerged from the closet with her coat. She glanced at Jess, then looked away and kept moving.

“I came back to get my stuff. I put the key on the kitchen counter.”

“Really? Is this necessary?” Jess walked over to the pile. “Where are you staying?”

“Don’t worry about it. We’re fine.”

“You and Pete, you mean.”

“Sure.”

“He came by yesterday afternoon a few hours after you two left. Did you know?”

Lila kept moving. She picked up two bags.

“He asked me to be nicer to you. I’d rather have heard it from you directly. But then you didn’t tell me Pete was bringing coffee to you yesterday morning, either. You pretended not to know he was coming.”

“I didn’t pretend. I didn’t know. I was talking to him on the phone and mentioned coffee. I didn’t know he was down here. He wanted to surprise me.”

“Well, he did. So tell me the truth. Do you think I’m harsh? Unfair?”

Lila’s eyes darkened, or maybe it was the narrowing of her eyes, the lowering of her long-lashed eyelids that created the effect.

“Yes.”

She drew in a rough breath. “I’m not perfect, but I’m not unfair.”

Lila stared at her.

“Fine. Tell me when.” Jess waved her hands. “Come on, give me a for instance.”

“Okay. For instance, it wasn’t my fault.”

“About Pete? He and I–”

“No, not about Pete.”

“What then?”

Lila dropped the bags near the door. She reached for her scarf, then paused. “In fact, you didn’t seem to care all that much about Pete. Seemed like you forgot him pretty easily, that is, until daddy died.”

Jess shook her head. “One doesn’t have anything to do with the other.”

“Except that Pete came to the funeral, and he and I got to know each other. Suddenly, you were outraged. About him being around? Or for being with me? I don’t know. But it’s more than that. You blame me for our father’s death.”

Stunned, breathless, as if she’d been punched in the stomach, Jess searched for words. “Why would you say that? Why would that even cross your mind?”

“Don’t pretend.”

“Pretend what? Say it. Speak it out loud. Let’s get this over with now.”

Lila pointed at her. “You always resented me. I was spoiled, right? The baby of the family. How many times did I hear you telling Mom and Dad to be harder on me? You were…”

“You’ve gone this far. Say the rest.”

“You were jealous.”

Jess’s throat was tight. She reached up to with one hand to press against it, trying to break the hold that was strangling her.

Lila said, “Okay, maybe not jealous, but you resented me.”

Jess shook and took a deep breath. “I resented what you put them through.”

“I was a teenager. They understood.”

“They worried. And then you left.”

“Left? I went to college.”

“Out of state,” Jess said. “Might as well have been out of the country for all the trips you
didn’t
make home for the holidays.”

“I graduated at the top of my class. I wasn’t fooling around up in Boston, you know that. And I worked besides.”

Then grad school, Jess thought, though she didn’t say it aloud. Plus, after she earned her degrees, Lila had found a great job.

Jess shook her head. “Never mind. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“You say that, but you still blame me for that and more.” Lila gave a rough, low scream. “For heaven’s sake, Jess. You let your husband move away without you rather than leave our parents. Ex-husband, that is. No one asked you to do something like that. You let him go, and Pete, too. Those were your choices.”

“Easy for you to say. Our brother had just married and moved out of town. You remember how Mama cried.”

“Yes, but she was supposed to be sad. It was a happy sad. A good sad.”

Jess continued as if there’d been no response. “And you were about to leave for college. When Mama had that cancer scare, at about the same time that Matthew said he’d accepted the transfer to Phoenix, I weighed my choices and decided not to go. It wasn’t only about our parents. You know Matthew and I had issues.”

Lila shouted, “But I did come home, didn’t I? I found a new job and moved back here to be near family, then Dad died. That gave you one more thing to add to your list, the list of all the terrible things I’ve done.”

Jess turned away.

“Each time I screwed up or something wasn’t perfect, it was one more mark against me, but what you’re really angry about, what you hold against me, isn’t leaving, and isn’t Pete. It’s that if I hadn’t moved back to town and bought that house, and if Dad hadn’t come over to help me hang paper that day, he might not have had that heart attack.”

“If you’d been there helping him, instead of out shopping, you could’ve called 9-1-1. It might’ve made a difference.” She shook her head. “But it wasn’t your fault. Accuse me of whatever you want, but not that. I never blamed you for losing Dad.” Jess shook her head again. “Why on earth would you think that I did?”

Jess wanted to put her hands on her sister’s shoulders, maybe on her face, her cheeks, and make her  see through Jess’s eyes and into her brain, into her heart. But there was also a part of Jess that wanted to bare her palms and slap Lila, maybe push her. The thought of even being able to imagine doing any kind of violence to her sister horrified her. Could there be a germ of truth in what Lila said? Not jealousy, but resentment? Maybe. Jess wasn’t convinced either way, so she kept her arms tightly crossed.

Jess asked, “Does this have anything to do with Pete? Has he been talking to you, putting these ideas into your head? He doesn’t know a thing about what I’m thinking or feeling. Nothing. He should mind his own business.”

Lila’s eyes grew dark, large, overfilling with emotion.

Jess thought she’d gotten through to Lila. She relaxed her fists, feeling the fingers peel away from her palms, flexing. She wanted to hug her sister and apologize for the unintended put-downs, for their misunderstandings. She meant it, too, but didn’t get to say the words.

“Typical. It’s Pete’s fault. Always someone else’s fault. You want to control everyone. You never liked any of my boyfriends. You never give anyone new a chance, or anyone else a second chance.”

Her words ripped through Jess, tearing at her. She threw sharp words back at Lila. “I don’t want to control you or anyone else! I’m tired of trying to hold this family together.” She waved her hands. “I quit. You can all go your own way. Everyone already has. Even my own mother. I quit. Do you hear me? Go to Pete. Leave me alone.”

Lila yelled back, “You’re in your thirties, Jess. You have another forty, maybe fifty years ahead of you. Do you really want to continue into the future this way? Not living your own life?”

Jess snagged her jacket from the chair by the door as Lila added, “You’re so full of everyone else’s life you have no room for your own.”

She fled, leaving Lila standing there, the last words barely off her lips.

She ran along the crossover, stumbled down the steps and through the drifts of dry sand, then half-ran up the beach. She misjudged a wave and one sneaker got soaked. The sand worked in around her ankle and rubbed between skin and shoe like sand paper. Miserable. It slowed her down to a limp.

She was angry. She was embarrassed. She quit.

She needed to quit, apparently, for everyone’s sake, including her own.

Jess sat on the sand and dug the worst of the sand out from between her shoe and ankle. She leaned forward, arms extended across her knees, and put her head down, hiding her face, rejecting the sun.

“Are you sick or meditating or what?”

The tips of his shoes in the sand were visible through that small, triangular window formed by her arm, thigh and mid-section. She didn’t look up.

Her intrusive neighbor. Her tree delivery guy. And more. Always showing up unexpectedly. Funny how his voice, his manner, now that she remembered him, were so familiar.

She lifted her head, but stared across the ocean at the horizon. A sea-going vessel of some kind was out there. It was too distant to make out details and she didn’t know much about such things anyway. Still, she was a little envious. That ship was going somewhere. Somewhere that wasn’t here.

“I’m okay. Just hanging out.”

“Sounds like you want to be alone.”

Jess shrugged and nodded.

“I saw you go by. I wasn’t spying, but that door closed pretty hard. The house shook a little. Got my attention.”

“My sister and I had a disagreement.”

“Happens.”

Stupid remark, but the casual ordinariness of it, the truth of it, sort of a universal truth of brothers and sisters, reoriented her.

 “You’re right.” She dropped her arms to her side and sat up straighter. “Sorry we disturbed you.”

“No problem. It’s hard on the door though. Let me know if it needs any work. I’m handy that way.”

She refused to warm to his pathetic humor. The silence grew a tad uncomfortable. She let it draw out to show she didn’t need his sympathy.

“Well, I’ll head back then,” he said.

“Sure. Thanks.” Inwardly, Jess groaned. She called out. “Wait. Please.”

She stood and brushed the sand from her slacks. Now that she recognized him, and remembered, she couldn’t ignore or dismiss him. She had to say something, to acknowledge the truth.

“I do remember you.”

He made a non-committal noise.

Jess said, “It’s been a long time. How’d you know anyway?”

“Know what?”

“That the Dawson’s were returning to Emerald Isle and
Coral Cove
for Christmas. I doubt you’ve been bringing a tree every year, just in case we showed up, so, yeah, how’d you know?”

“You’re sarcastic.”

“Cynical, I guess.”

“Or maybe the opposite.”

Too tender? If that’s what he meant, perhaps he was right. “That’s not what we’re talking about.”