Sweet Hope (Sweet Home #4) (29 page)

“I killed that King, Lev,” Axel admitted quietly. Levi’s gray eyes widened in shock.

“Wh-What?” he stuttered in a hushed voice.

“Was no way that sin was gonna be on you, so I killed him first. You can sleep soundly,
fratellino
. Your conscience is clear.”

My heart skipped a beat at the confession. It was always going to be the hardest thing for me to hear Axel say. I knew he’d killed, he’d told me so, but I had to confine it to the past, along with everything else.

“Axel…” Levi cried as he slumped forward. Austin wrapped his arm around Axel’s shoulders. “Why didn’t you tell me? It’s haunted me for so long.”

Pain flashed across Axel’s face. “I… I didn’t know you… didn’t know you felt that way… I was… shit, Lev, I fucked up so bad… I’m sorry... shit…”

Axel squeezed Levi tighter, Levi looking up at Axel like he was a miracle, his savior.

“Lev?” Axel said. “We good now, kid?”

I could see the desperate hope in Axel’s gaze. Sighing, Levi nodded his head. He rose to his knees and pulled Axel tightly to his chest.

Blowing quietly and steadily out of my mouth, I tried to relax. I squeezed Lexi’s tiny hand. She looked up at me, wearing the biggest smile I’d ever seen on her face and whispered, “I don’t care what anyone says about you two being together. You’ve saved Axel…” she pressed a kiss to the back of my hand and continued, “you’ve saved all three of them.”

I fought to swallow down my emotion, but I couldn’t. I was just so happy that Levi had come around, so happy for Axel that he’d got his baby brother back. Austin got to his feet, pulling Levi up too. Looking down, Levi held out his hand to Axel. With a big smile, Axel took it and stood up, ruffling Lev’s hair.

Levi couldn’t take his eyes off Axel. Looking at the three Carillo brothers in front of me, I pictured them as kids, Levi and Austin seeing Axel as their hero. Axel taking on the world to make sure they were safe.

Levi’s face dropped, then he said, “Sorry for hitting you, Axe.”

Axel, like he’s just remembered his bust lip and bruising jaw, pressed his hand to his mouth, wiping away the blood. He huffed a laugh. “Don’t sweat it, kid. I’ve had worse.” His eyes met mine then. Only I knew what he’d suffered.

“So,” Lexi said, stepping forward, “Shall we all go out for dinner?”

All three of the Carillo’s, all tall and intimidating in size looked at my little friend. Austin’s eyes showed all the love he had for his wife in his stare, and they all started to laugh.

“Yeah, Pix,” Austin said, flicking his head to the side, urging her to go to him. Lexi laughed and ran into Austin’s open arms, but not before she made time to pull Levi in for a tight hug...  Nervously, she walked to Axel and, placing her hands on each of his cheeks, she pulled his head down to kiss him on the forehead.

Axel smiled in surprise. Lexi smiled back, so wide it was infectious.

Still looking shell shocked, Axel held out his hand, looked at me. I brushed past his hand to wrap my arms tightly around his waist. Axel sighed at my touch and kissed my hair.

Fifty minutes later, we were all sitting in a restaurant, the Carillo brothers breaking bread for the first time in years.

Everything seemed to be going right…  at last.

As I sat at the dinner table with Levi, Lexi, Austin, and Ally by my side, I struggled to believe this was all true. I knew we had a ways to go, but we were all here,
trying
; trying to piece what was left of this family back together.

And I knew who to thank for it all… the fucking angel who had smashed into my life with the force of a T11 tornado. And somehow, against all the odds, she’d made it better.

My chest constricted as I watched her laughing at something Levi had said, her beautiful face glowing. I couldn’t breathe as I watched her, she had become my everything… fuck, she
was
my
everything.

Shifting on my seat, I tried to keep it together, but I caught Austin staring at me with a shit-eating grin.

Asshole…

As we left the restaurant later that night, we walked to Ally’s car as Levi, Austin and Lexi went to theirs. As we said goodnight, Levi suddenly ran up behind me. Awkwardly, he pulled in me in for a hug.

Sighing in fucking happiness, I hugged him back. Pulling away, he dipped his head shyly, to quickly say, “Don’t do anything that takes you away from us again, okay, Axe.”

I firmly nodded my head. “
Lo giuro, fratellino
,” I said, meaning every damn word.

Levi smiled. “
Bene, molto bene. Buono notte, fratello
.”

Austin, Lexi and Levi waved goodbye just as Ally returned to my side. She pressed a kiss to my neck, using the distraction to snatch her keys out of my hand.

I raised an eyebrow in question. She dangled her car keys at me. “I wanna show you something,” she said excitedly.

“Okay,” I agreed, and the biggest teasing grin spread on her face.

Ally led me to the car and jumped in the driver's seat. Just as I went to slide in the passenger seat, I clocked a car parked in the distance. I frowned. I’d seen that black car round the city for the last couple of days.

“Axel?” Ally called from inside the car. I looked down at her frantically waving me in. Casting one more glance at the parked car, my chest lost tension when I saw it pulling out onto the road and away from the restaurant.

I sighed in relief and shook my head. I was being paranoid.

As I slipped in the car, Ally asked, “Everything okay?”

Taking her hand, I brought it to my lips, pressing a kiss on her smooth skin. “Fine.”

A short drive later, we arrived at the gallery. My heart started slamming my chest as soon as we pulled up and Ally put the car in park.

The exhibition was in a couple of days’ time and I knew she’d finished the design. I didn’t know why, but I’d been too chicken to come here of late, seeing everything done, seeing the exhibition fully designed.

I guess it just made all this change in my life that bit more real. Like I was finally gonna be leaving my past behind. I was still afraid to believe this life I was now living was true; like it would all be pulled out from under me the minute I let myself just be content. I had my sculpting, I had Ally, and now, because of tonight, I had both of my brothers back in my life.

I couldn’t bear to lose it all again.

“
Querido
, will you come with me?” Ally urged softly. Taking a deep breath, I got out of the car and walked behind her to the staff entrance.

As we entered, the guard that was usually on duty waved at Ally, and as always, ducked his head from me. Ally looked back and playfully rolled her eyes making my lip hook into a grin. I fucking adored this woman.

As we approached the black curtains, I started as I looked up at the huge title hanging above the entrance,
‘Elpidio’
. My stomach flipped with an unknown feeling as I saw my artist name drawn in a simple black script. Then I realized that the unknown feeling was excitement. I was fucking
excited
about the show.

Smelling Ally’s Jasmine scent, I glanced down to see her smiling up at me. But I could also see anxiety on her stunning face. She was nervous I wasn’t gonna like what lay on the other side of the curtains. That was impossible. She knew me better than I even knew myself. It would, no doubt, be perfect.

“You ready?” she asked.

“Ready,” I replied, and Ally drew the curtains apart to reveal the gallery, completely changed from the last time I’d seen it.

My feet began moving forward as my eyes drank in the space. It was…
incredible
… surreal… out and out fucking crazy that this was all for me.

My sculptures looked perfect at all the different heights. They were spread out so visitors would be able to see every part of them back and front.

“Well?” Ally asked anxiously.

Taking her hand in mine, I lifted it to my mouth and kissed along her warm skin. “Fuck, Ally,” was all I could think to say. Her responding smile almost knocked me on my ass.

“Can I guide you round? Can I take you on the journey?”

I frowned not understanding what she meant by 'the journey’. Ally, clearly seeing it on my face, began to lead me forward.

“I set the flow of the gallery out in a certain way, in themes. As you told me what each sculpture meant, and what inspired it, I put them in a certain order. I started with this piece first because it felt like the beginning to me.”

Ally brought us to the statue I made of us Carillo boys as kids. Austin and I were laid down, Austin pointing up at the sky, and in my arms, I held a baby—Levi. Beneath us was fire and faces screaming in pain… those faces belonged to my mamma, screaming from inside the trailer because of my papa as I tried to keep my brothers safe from his fists.

Ally pulled on my hand and next brought us to a marble stidda, a marble stidda the corners of which were choking a heart, it’s sharp edges drawing blood. “Next is how things began to go wrong, an innocent heart being punctured by this star.”

I didn’t say anything,
couldn’t
, as we next moved to three brothers stood in a circle, heads down, the eldest brother gripping the necks of the younger two, dragging them alongside him.

“Then comes the demise of the boys from the beginning, the eldest leading them astray.”

My heart pierced with shame as Ally said that, but she was only  repeating my words back to me. Next we came to my newest  sculpture, the boy crying bullets. Ally stood next to me and said, “We need a title for this one, Axel. Any thoughts?”

I nodded my head as I stared at the boy’s face, too terrified to shoot. Levi’s words from today circled my mind, about how he had nightmares believing he’d killed someone.

“Hamartia,” I said gruffly. Ally looked up at me in confusion. “It means to sin, to do wrong, to miss the mark. It’s an event that happens to main characters in a story which ruins their lives or sets them along a path that can only ever end badly.”

“Axel…” Ally whispered sadly.

I looked to Ally and said, “You know the inspiration behind it. I don’t need to explain it, right?”

Ally nodded at me in understanding. We walked round the rest of my sculptures, each one more gutting than the last.

“So we start with fear, then despair, then sin, guilt, and finally… this…” Ally trailed off. I didn’t need to look up to know we were at the angel.

“Darlin’,” Ally said soothingly, her hand on my back, “we need a title, we need something for the text boards. It’s the last piece to talk about.”

Feelings I was no longer able to hold back surged forward, suffocating me. I gasped, my eyes squeezing shut as I tried to get my breath.

“
Querido
,” Ally whispered quietly and I pushed back my hair, opening my eyes.

“I can’t, Ally, I can’t talk about…
her
…” I said, my voice breaking on my last word.

Ally was suddenly before me, her hands gripping my wrist, forcing them from my face. “Baby,” she said quietly, “It’s time for you to face it. You need to talk about your mamma. It’s eating you alive.”

My heart swelled in my chest and I struggled to breathe, my lungs constricting. But I knew she was right. For five long years I’d blocked out my mamma from my head to keep my sanity. But it was killing me. I couldn’t stand it anymore. It was hurting me, not being able to remember the good things: her face, her smile, how much she loved me, without feeling like I was being tortured slowly in the process.

Drawing in a strained breath, I forced myself to look up at that statue. A tidal wave of grief and guilt rushed through my body, physically bringing me to my knees.

Suddenly, Ally knelt down on the floor beside me, arms wrapped around my back. Tears started pouring from my eyes as I pictured the last time I’d seen my mamma. She was lying on her bed, her speech almost non-existent and her frail body weak and still. She stared at me leaving to go to the Crimson Tide’s National Championship after party at Austin’s school. I’d given her her meds, and picked up her clothes in her room. The entire time she’d just watched me with tears in her huge eyes from her broken position on her bed.

She worried for me. She was always worried for me. But that night, there was something different in her stare. It was as if she
knew
it was the last time we’d be there together… like she
knew
I was about to fuck up so badly that it was gonna change everything for us all…

*****

As I hung Mamma’s clean nightgowns in her closet, I turned round to find her watching me, her face soaked with tears. My heart cracked at the sight of her so tiny and sad on that bed. She was always sad. Always lying down, unable to move, crying buckets of tears. As I stood there watching her breaking, I remembered what my mamma had looked like before. She’d been beautiful, so full of life, but the ALS robbed her of her every muscle and worst of all, her smile. All that remained unchanged were her huge brown eyes. The same brown eyes that could tell you all she was feeling with just one look. Those brown eyes that were gutting me as they stared at me right now.

I walked to where she lay, my heart racing in my chest, something inside of me making me sit on the edge of her bed and take her cold bony hand in mine.

As our gazes met, tears escaped the corner of my eyes just at the sight of hers. I couldn’t fucking take her crying, it broke my heart. It broke my heart knowing that those tears were out of worry… out of disappointment in me.

I lifted Mamma's hand to my lips and pressed a kiss on her thinning skin. “Sorry, Mamma,” I whispered as she stared up at me, her body unmoving, her tears coming thicker and thicker the more I spoke. “I know I’m not the son you wanted me to be. I’m sorry I’m such a huge fucking failure.”

Mamma closed her eyes, blinking away the sadness filling her gaze as I told her those words. My head fell to her hand and I whispered, “I just wanted to help you, Mamma. Even as a kid, with Papa beating you, I always wanted to protect you, to keep you safe… to save you from having such a shit life. But I know all I am to you now is a letdown. I ain’t the sports star like Aust. I ain’t like that young sweet kid in the next room that you just know is gonna be somebody someday…” I choked on a breath and met her eyes again, moving my finger to brush away the fresh warm tears from her cheek and the damp hair from her face. “But I love you all the same, Mamma. I love you so much that I don’t know how to deal with all this shit you’re going through, this fucking disease. I just can’t stand what’s happening to you. I can’t stand not being able to do shit about it. I’ve always protected us all, but I can’t protect you from this… and I can’t fucking handle it.” I squeezed my mamma’s hand tighter and paused so I could
breathe. “And I ain’t sure what the hell I’ll do when you leave me… when you leave us all…” A sob ripped from my chest as I thought of what it’d be like to live in a world where she didn’t exist and it fucking broke me.

Mamma’s breathing increased, and as I looked at her face, even though her muscles couldn’t move, I saw the grief in her expression… I saw the gutting truth that she didn’t want to leave us either… that it was eating her that she had no other choice but to slowly fade away.

“I ain’t sure how to do this life without you, Mamma. I’ve fought for so long to keep us going, to keep you going, that I don’t know what the hell I’ll do when you go… how I’ll cope…”

I cried an age on this bed with my mamma’s hand so weakly in mine. I didn’t think I could move from sitting here, just holding Mamma’s hand, but Gio pounded on our trailer door, telling me we had to leave.

Wiping at my cheeks, I stood and washed Mamma’s face with the wet cloth I kept beside her bed. Leaning down, I kissed her on her forehead and whispered, 
“Ti voglio bene, mamma… sempre.”

Just before I left, I moved to her old record player and switched it on. “Ave Maria” immediately began playing from the speaker.

Walking to the door, I left without ever looking back.

And I never saw her again…

*****

“Shh…” Ally whispered in my ear as she rocked me, crying into my hands.