Sweet Hope (Sweet Home #4) (30 page)

Lifting my face, I met Ally’s sympathetic gaze and said, “I never got to say goodbye, Ally… I never fucking got to say goodbye to Mamma…” Louder cries burst from my mouth and I fought just to breathe through the racking guilt.

“I was selfish… so fucking selfish, and I ran, I ran and left her all alone, left them all alone. She must have been so afraid for me, so worried about where I was as she laid there unable to get up and come find me. Because she always worried about me, Al.  Even as she was dying, years of slowly wasting away, I didn’t give her any peace. What the fuck was I thinking? She died in that hospital room without me there to tell her I loved her, to tell her to finally leave this shitty life and be at peace… and that I’d miss her for the rest of my life… Christ, Ally, how the fuck do I get past that? There’s no going back and I don’t know how to go on.”

Ally’s tears splashed on my head and she said in a cracked voice, “She knew you loved her, baby… she knew that one day you’d be someone.”

“But she didn’t live to see any of it, did she? All she knew of me was disappointment. She died thinking that all she’d raised was a piece of shit coke dealing son. The guilt… the guilt of that just fucking rips me apart. She must have died thinking she’d failed as my mamma… but the truth was, I’d failed as a son…

“Axel…” Ally went to speak, but I looked up at her and said, “I don’t even know what it was like when she passed. I’ve never been able to ask Austin about it. I don’t know how she looked, what time she died, what was said. I can’t ever forgive myself for it… for as long as I live, I’ll never forgive myself.”

All the color drained from Ally’s face and her arms tightened around me. Then she opened her mouth and confessed quietly, “I was there, Axel…”

Still trying to stop my chest from suffocating me, I didn’t understand what she meant. Ally’s shaking hands pressed on my cheeks and she explained, “Baby, I was there when your mamma died… I saw her… I was in the room as she took her last breath.”

Confusion made me freeze. Ally’s face broke into soft cries. “I’ve wanted to tell you for so long that I was with Austin and Levi when your mamma passed. We were all at the hospital for Lexi when she relapsed and your mamma was brought in. Austin almost broke having his mamma dying and his soulmate fading away. He couldn’t cope, so we all stayed to support him and Levi.”

All I could do was stare at Ally as she spoke.

Fresh tears filled her eyes. “You could never talk about her and I was afraid if I mentioned it, it would chase you away. But I was there,
querido
. I was there when she passed.”

Unsure how to react to what she was saying, I asked, “Was it peaceful? Was she in pain? I can’t bear the thought of her fighting death, desperately trying to live.”

Ally’s lips pursed as she fought not to break down further. Then she added, “Your mamma was sleeping peacefully and then she just drifted away… it was painless, Axel. She looked like she was sleeping… she looked beautiful… like an angel…”

The image of my mamma’s beautiful sleeping face filled my mind, and unable to hold it back, I collapsed into Ally’s lap, shedding five years of pent up grief. I cried until my throat and chest were raw and aching. The whole time, Ally just held me in her arms, stroking back my hair and crying with me… still fucking treading water beside me.

“I wanted to tell her goodbye, and now she’s gone it’s impossible…” I croaked, purging my guilt.

Ally’s cheek pressed on my head and she whispered, “Death isn’t goodbye; it’s simply goodbye for now.”

My lungs paused in breathing and I raised my head to look right into her dark eyes. “Do you really believe that? That this isn’t the end?”

Ally stroked back my hair. “With every part of my heart.”

I don’t know how long I stayed wrapped in her arms, but when I finally lifted my head, my chest felt lighter. And as I looked into Ally’s loving eyes, my hands on her perfect face, I knew my mamma’s prayer for me had come true…

Io prego perché tu possa trovare la tua luce, mio figlio smarrito… I pray you find your light, my lost son….

I had.

“
La Mia luce
…” I murmured through my scratched and raw throat. Ally’s face softened in adoration. The next words I spoke came straight from my heart without any conscious thought. “
Ti amo, carina
… I love you so damn much that sometimes I can’t fucking take it.”

Ally dragged in a shocked breath, and as her bottom lip quivered, she leaned down to kiss my dry lips and murmured in reply, “I love you too, Axel. So so much. You’re all of my heart.”

Fuck. She loved me too…

Our kiss became deeper, until I pulled back. Feeling exhausted, I laid my head on Ally’s lap, my eyes looking straight up at her face.

As I watched her happily stroke my face, I thought over mamma’s prayer and I froze.

Ally, sensing something was wrong, asked, “What is it, baby?”

Shaking my head in disbelief, I said, “Just something that came to mind.”

Ally’s dark eyebrows pulled down. “Tell me,” she urged.

I glanced over to the marble angel of my mamma and said, “Do you believe in fate?”

Still looking confused, she entertained me and shrugged. “I don’t know, maybe. I think sometimes things happen that seem so planned out by an outside force that what happens can’t be simply coincidence.” Her head tilted to the side. “Why do you ask, baby?”

Clearing my throat, and feeling pretty damn stupid for saying it, I decided to tell her any way. “My mamma used to pray that one day I would find my light, the thing to change me, to
save
me. She would always call me her lost son, and her biggest wish was that I would find my way.”

Ally smiled and reached out to take my hand, playing with my fingers. “But I didn’t. In fact, things only got worse. She died and I went to prison.”

“Axel…” Ally said in sympathy, but I stopped whatever she was going to say by holding up my hand.

“Ally, when I went to prison, it forced me from the Heighters, which led to me being shanked.”

Ally blinked fast and I rushed to make her understand. “
Carina
, if I hadn’t gone through all that… all that pain, that rage… I would never have talked to the nurse in the infirmary about my tattoo designs. I’d never have been forced into the art class to rein in my anger. I wouldn’t have fallen in love with clay sculpting, that then led to my marble sculpting, into which I poured my pain. I would never have met Vin, who published pictures of my works, who then took my marble angel to an exhibition at the Met—”

“Where I saw it in a magazine and flew to New York to see it in reality. Where I then wrote articles and journals on your works and methods—”

“Where Vin read them, and when he went to put the show together,  hired you to curate it… the woman that was friends with my brother… the woman who understood my soul before I even did…” I took a calming breath, “the woman who was in the room with my mamma as she passed when I couldn’t be… that same woman who answered my mamma’s prayer… she became my light, she saved Mamma's lost son.”

“Axel… I… I don’t know what to say…” Ally whispered, as more tears fell from her eyes.  I pulled her to my chest and breathed in the lavender shampoo scent of her hair.

“I always wanted this,” she said tightly, “I always wanted this kind of love, this intense love… I just never realized it could be so much more…
until you
.”

I closed my eyes as she said those words and for the first time ever I felt… unburdened.

I fixed my attention on my mamma’s marble statue and said quietly, “Ave Maria.”

Ally tensed against my chest, and asked, “What?”

“The angel, its title should be “Ave Maria.””

“Axel,” Ally sighed, “It’s beautiful… it’s perfect.”

Ally pressed kisses all along my neck and I closed my eyes, relaxing at her touch. “The broken angel is my mamma in this life. Trapped in a body she couldn’t escape from, praying for death rather than living in that hell. The ashes she’s holding are symbolic for death.”

Ally’s lips had left my neck, her body so still. “And the other side?”

I smiled, almost feeling the warm sun on my mamma’s face. “That’s the next life, heaven, paradise, whatever you wanna call it. That’s my mamma waking after death, fully healed, feeling the bright sun on her healthy body… free… it was always my dream from when she got sick. That she would once again be free.”

A sense of peace filled me as I looked at the statue and I took a deep breath. All the titles and information were given. I’d gotten through it. The exhibition was finally complete.

“Axel?” Ally said.

“Mmm?” I murmured, my attention fixing on the bright stars of Orion’s belt through the glass roof.

“It’s time to tell your brothers about your sculptures.”

I waited for the apprehension, the shame and the dread.  For once, it didn’t come. As I stared up at the stars, I realized I was ready to tell them about the real reason I was in Seattle, and what I’d really been doing with my life.

“Yeah,” I said in response. “I’ll tell them tomorrow.”

I could feel Ally smile against my chest, and she whispered, “
Te amo
,
querido
.”

A rush, an almost crippling feeling of love ran through me, filling my every muscle and I whispered back, “
Ti amo, carina. Sempre
.”

As I sanded the final curve of the hand, then washed the Carrara marble down with water, I stood back on the riverbank and exhaled.

This
was my favorite piece yet.

I’d worked around the clock to get this done over the past week, the quickest I’d ever completed a sculpture, but I had no choice. I had to get the image from my head and into marble… I needed this piece to be seen forever. I needed it to complete my first show. It was the perfect end to the journey Ally had created.

As the afternoon wind whipped around me, I covered the sculpture with its tarp, padlocking it to the plinth and texted Vin that I’d finished. Only he knew I was adding it to the exhibition last minute. He had the text boards made up in private, the title board, colored backdrop and everything else I needed to make this perfect.

A beep came through my cell, telling me that he was on his way with his men. I told him where it was and that I’d be out. More than that, I trusted him to make the placement of it in the gallery.

Vin assured me everything would be fine and Ally would never know of it until opening night. It was my surprise for her.

My soul’s gift to hers.

Moving into my studio, I smirked at the still messed up linen on bed. Every morning I’d usually wake up and make my bed before anything—years of being in prison giving me habits too hard to shake. But after last night, after making love to Ally last night, her telling me she loved me over and over in my ear as we came together… I couldn’t bring myself to change a thing.

Seeing the Camino keys on the workstation, I walked over, picked them up, as well as my smokes and made my way out to my car. Nerves were shredding my stomach. The thought of telling Austin and Lev all about my sculptures; more than that, about my opening tomorrow night had me almost puking.

What the hell would they think?
Me.
A sculptor with his own show in a real fucking museum.

A new wave of something new hit me as I imagined their happy reaction… relief, excitement…
want
. Fuck, that was it; I
wanted
them to be proud of me. I wanted them to finally see me as more than just their older brother who’d only ever shown skill in pushing coke.

As I weaved through the streets of Seattle, I thought back to when Ally told me she’d be leaving to do her next commission after my show. The thought of not having her next to me every single day made every part of me fucking ache. I wanted her to stay. I wanted her to stay here in Seattle with me.

I had to figure out a way of making it happen. I couldn’t let her leave. We’d come too fucking far.

As I drew closer to Austin’s house, the nerves returned making my hands shake. I laughed that I was shaking. I was a damn pussy.

In minutes I’d parked up the Camino and walked through the front door… then immediately stopped dead at seeing Levi and Austin sat on the stairs, with my bag full of clothes sitting at their feet.

Both of my brothers had their heads down, but when they heard the door open, Austin looked up, a stony expression on his face.

“What’s all this?” I asked, feeling the temperature in the room drop about fifty degrees.

Austin got to his feet and walked over to stand at the bottom of the stairs, arms crossed over his chest.

When his eyes met mine, I could see how much pain he was in. I almost moved forward to wrap my arm around his shoulders to ask him what was wrong, but the shitty way he was looking at me kept me rooted to the floor.

Austin lifted his foot, and rested it on top of my bag. “Went to the fish market this morning, Axe, the one you said you were working at.”

The blood drained from my face.

“Yeah, Axe. The market where the managers had no fucking idea who I was talking about.”

Austin looked down at Levi. Levi kept his head down, his hands gripping his hair.

I opened my mouth to explain, but—

“I couldn’t believe it, Axe, so I went to every market I could find. None of them knew you. None of them. One of them remembered seeing someone of your description. He said he thought he’d seen you hanging around, but you sure as hell weren’t working.”

Austin clawed at his dark hair, his eyes shining. Meeting my eyes again, he said, “I thought there had to be some mistake. There
had
to be, because my brother had changed. He’d got out of prison five years early and was doing real good. He was a different guy than the one who used to be Heighter tight.” He pulled in a ragged breath and his face flushed red with his pain.

I stepped forward. “I—”

“
Then
I get home, fucking talking myself out of what I prayed wasn’t true, and I go into your room, hoping you’d be there to explain all this shit. You weren’t, as always. So I started going through your stuff, looking for some reason why you’d lied to me. Lied to all of us for fucking months!”

Austin reached into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out the second bag of coke I’d bought after his game. I must have left it in my jeans. 

My stomach fell, and I instantly knew what they were thinking.

“You’re dealing again, Axe? After everything?” Austin’s face contorted in a mix of both anger and pain. He threw the bag of coke at my feet.

I struggled to breathe as I stared at it. As I looked up, Austin was staring at me, all anger gone, just crushing disappointment on his face. But I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t get my head around how I’d come here today to tell them about my show. Instead my kid brothers were asking me to explain why I wasn’t at the market, why I had this coke, and of course they immediately thought the worst.

Austin suddenly pushed my duffel bag to my feet. “I came to see you today to tell you that you’re gonna be an uncle, a
Zio,
Axe. Lexi’s pregnant. We’ve been trying for two years but because of the damage to her body through her anorexia, they weren’t sure we’d be able to ever have kids. She woke me up this morning to tell me I was gonna be a papa. A fucking papa, Axe. Against the odds, we’re having a baby. It’s a fucking miracle… and the only two people I couldn’t wait to tell were you and Lev.”

My heart beat faster… Austin was gonna be a papa.

A fucking thrilled smile pulled on my lips, but Austin didn’t see it, he was too busy glaring at the floor.

“I can’t have you here no more, Axe. I got more important things than you to consider now.” His dark eyes met mine. “I need you to leave. I can’t have my baby, my
wife
, dragged into all the dealing and gang shit… my kid’s gotta have a better life than we did… they’ve gotta be safe. We all need to be safe.”

Levi lifted his head, his eyes bloodshot, his face pale and he rushed up the stairs.

“Lev… I can exp—”

Levi immediately stopped on the stairs, but never looked back. “You swore to me you wouldn’t do anything to take you away from us again. I let you in, I opened my heart to you again, and you have to fuck it all up! I let you in, Axe… and now I’ve lost you again…” he snapped and disappeared from sight. Austin turned his back on me and walked up after Levi.

Feeling real fear run through my veins, I stepped forward and called, “Aust…” but my foot landed on the bag of coke, busting the fucking thing open all over the floor.

Austin, hearing the bag split, sighed and, without looking back, said, “Just leave, Axe. Just fucking leave…”

My entire body filled with ice at how cold those words sounded coming from his mouth. I looked down at the mess of coke at my feet and felt nothing but shame… shame that I’d had a moment of weakness and bought this coke all those weeks ago.

But I was so fucking angry they hadn’t heard me out.

They didn’t even fucking let me speak.

Turning on my heel, I left my bag of clothes where it was and fucking raced outta the house, my head reeling.

What the fuck was I thinking in coming back here?

I was done. So fucking done with trying to make shit right.

I drove my Camino fast through the falling rain—a perfect fucking reflection of my mood—and headed for my studio. In my rush to tell Austin and Levi about my art, I’d brought nothing with me, not even my damn wallet or cell. I was getting them and then getting the fuck outta Seattle. And I wanted Ally to come with me. Just her, me, and the fucking road.

Letting the heavy metal music from my stereo fuel my rising anger, I didn’t realize for a good few miles that the black car was tailing me. Frowning, my suspicion back, I turned down random streets just to see if it would follow—this time it did.

Feeling my pulse spike, I narrowed my eyes and picked up speed. The car followed, its bumper almost rear ending me.

“Fuck,” I hissed under my breath. There was only one fucker I knew would be after me like this: Remo.

SHIT!

I pulled my car to a stop on a quiet road, a pit in my stomach as I realized this was it. He was here for my blood. The heavy rain bounced off my windshield like bullets and I cut the music, eyes glued on my hands.

I always thought I’d die at the hands of my crew. But what was tearing me apart right now was picturing Ally. I couldn’t even call her to tell her goodbye. FUCK! I’d just gotten my shit together, finally making some fucking headway in my life… and now…

The sound of a car door opening made me sit up straighter, and for the first time ever, I felt fear. Real fear. Today I had something to lose, the thought of leaving Ally behind, fucking terrified me.

Wrenching open my car door, I jumped outta the car just in time to see Remo Marino strutting my way. He looked older. Had gained weight, gained lines on his face, but he was still the intimidating fuck he’d always been. My stomach dropped… This fucker had been trailing me for days.

I stood my ground and watched as Remo’s lips pulled into a smirk. “Fucking,
ragazzo!
” he said, faking a laugh and smile. “Almost didn’t recognize you with the fucking hippy hair and beard covering your Heighter tattoos on your neck. It’s taken me a few days to make sure the lead I was given wasn’t bullshit.” He waved his hand at me. “And your stidda, Axe? You lost that too?” he nodded in approval, “You done a real good job of hiding yourself from me. Almost had me thinking my intel was wrong. But when I saw Austin and Lev again, I knew for sure it was you.”

Grinding my teeth at him mentioning my brothers, I spat, “What the fuck are you doing here, Rem?”

Remo dropped his shit eating grin. “I’m here to pay my family’s debt,
ragazzo
. You know that… you must have been expecting it. You know the street code: blood for blood.”

“You’re on the run, Rem, fucking wanted for all kinds of charges, yet you come all the way here for me? The feds will have tracked you crossing state lines. You’ll be going down for life.” 

Remo spread his hands wide. “Already on borrowed time, Axe. Gonna be going down for the rest of my life… what’s one more felony when there’s no chance of release anyway?”

Remo’s eyes narrowed as he closed in on me. “But you, you got my cousin killed. Your fucking best friend! How could you,
ragazzo
? Gio fucking loved you.”

“I was protecting my family,” I said tightly. Remo even nodded his head like he understood.

“I get it. And now I’m avenging mine.”

We stared at each other in the rain for what felt like hours, when, suddenly Remo rushed me, his fist connecting with my face, before he tackled me back against my car. Managing to push him away, I hit him back, Remo facing me with blood running down his face. He smiled and my blood ran cold. The bastard was insane.

Rushing forward, dragging us into the middle of the road, I went to strike the fucker’s face again, when the sound of a gun going off broke through the night.

For a second I stood still, just staring at Remo stood before me… then as my eyes traveled down I saw a gun held out in his hand, his gun with its barrel pressed against my stomach. A sudden sharp pain sliced through my stomach stealing my breath, and blood was beginning to soak through my shirt. Remo stepped back, and lifting my hand to my stomach, I pulled it back and saw bright red blood coating my palm. My legs buckled beneath me and I smacked onto the asphalt.

The sound of sirens wailed distantly in the background as Remo stood above me and spat on my face. My lungs felt like they were in a vacuum as I tried to get up… but I couldn’t move my legs.

“Blood for blood, Axe,” Remo said again and disappeared from my sight.

Laying the back of my head flat to the pavement, I stared up at the gray skies, slews of rain  drumming on my body. Pictures of Austin and Levi ran through my head and I felt my eyes prick with tears.

I’d never see them again... never got to tell them one last time how much I fucking loved them both…

Time seemed to slow and my thoughts drifted back to when we were kids. To a promise I’d made my mamma… I was reliving it like it was yesterday…

*****

“Dormi, Dormi, O Bel Bambin…”