Sweet Renegade (20 page)

*Beau*

I sit
on the back deck of my mother’s house drinking my sixth beer. I’m starting to feel the buzz, but I definitely need more. I need to feel numb. I need to stop the pain that has nothing to do with my injuries. I
need
to stop thinking about
her
. It’s almost pitch black out except for the moon and stars shining in the dark sky. I close my eye and pull in a deep relaxing breath of the crisp night air.

“Knew I’d find you out here,” came Kaden’s voice from behind me.

I sigh in irritation. My brother has been up my ass for the past week and is starting to get on my nerves. “What do you want, Kaden?”

“Are you drinking again?” he asks in disbelief.

“Yeah, so?” I reply dryly.

“That’s all you’ve done since you got home from the hospital a week and a half ago, and you’re still taking pain meds, which means you shouldn’t be drinking.”

“Yeeaaahh, I don’t really give a shit,” I drawl before taking a long pull off my beer. I stare defiantly at Kaden as I do it.

Kaden shakes his head. “So what now? You planning on turning into an alcoholic because you had your heart broken?”

“I don’t want to talk about
her
,” I snarl.

“Maybe you should talk about her. There’s nothin’ worse than keeping it all inside, you’ll eventually explode,” his brother says.

“There’s nothin’ to talk about. I’m broken and devastated and I can’t stop loving her even though I want to so badly,” I mutter.

“It takes time to get over someone you love,” Kaden says sadly as if he knows what he’s talking about.

“Yeah, well, it doesn’t feel like it’s ever going to get any better, so excuse me if I want to drown my fucking sorrows,” I grunt and grab another beer from where they are sitting at my feet.

I down the newest bottle in one shot. I let out a huge belch and glance up at my brother. “Are you gonna stand there and watch me all night?” I ask in annoyance.

Kaden just shakes his head, shoves his hands in his pockets and heads back into the house. I crack open another cold one and take a sip. This is definitely not how I saw my life going and it fucking sucks.

Chapter Thirteen

*Lizette*

“Lizette, I’m concerned about Beau,” Ace says, frowning hard.

We are standing backstage after the guys just put on an awesome show in Madison Square Garden. Their tour has been postponed for a few more months, but they wanted to put on a show in their hometown as a sign of good faith.

It’s been two months now since Beau was hurt and he’s pretty much back to normal. Well, physically he’s back to normal. Other than a thin scar on his lip, you wouldn’t even know that he had his face kicked in by a horse. His partying habits have gotten out of control, though. He’s been in the tabloids too many times in the past two months. Twice he went after paparazzi, breaking a camera and breaking a nose, which he was arrested for. He’s constantly drinking or drunk or high. And I don’t even want to think about all of the girls that Rob has told me he’s picked up at clubs. It makes me want to throw up.

I nod. “I know.”

“I’ve tried to talk to him, but he told me to fuck off. I think that you need to say something to him as our manager.” Ace sighs.

I give him an incredulous look. “And you think he’s going to listen to me?” I snort.

“If you threaten his career? Yeah, I think he will,” Ace replied.

I study Ace’s crystal blue eyes. He is serious and truly concerned for his friend.

I pull in a deep breath. “Where is he?” I ask, wanting to get this over with as soon as possible.

“I think he’s in the dressing room.”

I nod and start in that direction. As I get closer, I can see Rob standing guard outside the door. My stomach drops. I can only imagine why he’s stationed outside the door. I stop in front of him and put on my hardest manager face.

“Move,” I demand.

He gives me a sympathetic look, which only confirm my suspicions. He’s with someone in there. “You don’t want to go in there right now, Lizette.”

“Rob, I said move.”

“Really, Lizette…” he tries again.

“I mean it, Rob, get the fuck out of my way,” I snap.

Rob sighs and steps aside. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

I open the door and immediately see red. Beau is sitting on the couch smoking a joint, while some whore is sucking his dick. There are no words to describe the rage coursing through me right now. And the torment of seeing some other girl’s mouth on the man I love. It’s unimaginable. I think I black out for a moment because I have no recollection of moving forward until I am standing next to the bitch that is on her knees between Beau’s legs.

I grab the twat by her hair and haul her back. The bitch gasps and latches her claws onto my wrist. I literally drag her to the door. The girl is pretty much crawling on her hands and knees to keep up. She’s crying and screaming as we go. I am too livid to care. I open the door and heave the girl out into the hallway. I glare at Rob.

“Get rid of this fucking slut, Rob,” I bite out before moving back into the room and slamming the door shut behind me.

Beau is still sitting on the couch, cock out, puffing on the joint in his hand. He doesn’t even seem to care that I came in, ripped some chick away from his dick, and tossed her out. I storm over to him, snatch the joint out of his hand, slam it to the floor, and stomp on it.

“What the fuck, Lizette?” he drawls, glaring up at me through his bloodshot eyes.

“Oh, do I have your attention now? Put your goddamn cock back in your pants. What the fuck is wrong with you?” I shout at him.

Beau lazily stuffs his semi-hard dick back into his jeans, but leaves them undone. “There’s nothing wrong with me, Sugar, just gettin’ some head,” he says with a nonchalant shrug.

I resist the urge to scream at the top of my lungs. “You are spiraling downhill fast, Beau, you’re smoking pot for Christ’s sake! You never do that! There is definitely something wrong with you!”

His lip curls in disgust. “You wanna know what’s wrong? The woman I love with everything I am shattered my heart into a millions pieces. How would you like me to handle that? You want me to go on like everything is just perfect? You want me to pretend that I’m not dying inside? Well, I can’t do it, Lizette!”

“So going around, getting drunk and high, and fucking every groupie whore you come across is the only way you can cope? I’ve apologized, I’ve told you that I made a mistake and want to be with you, but you’ve completely ignored me, you never even acknowledged my apology,” I snap.

“I can’t be with you again, Lizette. I can’t put myself out there again like I did before. If you decide again that you don’t want to be with me…I just can’t,” he croaks, the agony he’s feeling over everything pours out through those few words. 

I stare at him for a moment, tons of emotions swirling through me. Now is not the time to have this conversation. He’s high as a kite and needs to be sober to have a serious conversation.

“You need to go home, Beau. Go home and go to bed. I want you in my office at 9:00 am tomorrow morning, and you better be sober,” I say, my tone hard.

Beau shoves to his feet and buttons up his jeans. “Fuck you, Lizette,” he spits out.

My eyes flare in fury. “I don’t give a fuck who you are; you will not speak to me like that. You may hate my guts, but I’m still your manager, and you
will
show me respect,” I snarl, poking him in the chest with my finger.

He frowns hard. “That’s the problem, Lizzie. I don’t hate you, and believe me, I’ve tried. I’m still so fucking in love with you it’s killing me,” he murmurs before brushing past me and heading for the door.

“My office, 9:00 am, Beau. I mean it,” I call shakily after him.

He just raises a hand in acknowledgement before walking out. I drop to the arm of the couch, a ragged sob escaping me. I cover my mouth with my hands and squeeze my eyes shut. I can’t take this anymore. I can’t stand to see him like this, and I definitely can’t stand to see him with other women. What can I do to convince him that I will never leave him again?

*Beau*

I groan
when my alarm goes off at seven-thirty the next morning. I haven’t gotten up this early in almost three months. I am not looking forward to today. I really don’t want to see Lizette after what she walked in on last night. I’m somewhat thankful that I was high because if I weren’t, then seeing the pain in her eyes when she saw what was going on would have torn me apart. I want so badly to believe her when she says that she wants me back, but there is no way I would survive it if she ever decided to leave me again. I can’t put my heart in her hands ever again.

I drag myself out of bed and shuffle into my bathroom. After taking the longest piss of my life, I go over to the sink to brush my dragon breath. I glance in the mirror and am momentarily stunned by the person looking back at me. Who the fuck is this guy? My jaw is covered in thick scuff since I haven’t shaved in a few days. My eyes are bloodshot and have dark circles around them. I look like absolute shit. I haven’t been working out as much either so I’ve lost some muscle mass, and I have put on a couple of pounds from all of the beer I’ve been drinking and junk I’ve been eating. Fuck! Lizette is right! I am spiraling out of control. I’m losing the man I used to be. I shove my hands into my too long hair and stare hard at myself. This is not who I want to be. But it’s hard to be anything else when I’m in constant agony.

I push away from the counter and go over to the shower. I turn on the water, letting it get hot as I strip out of my underwear. I climb in and let the hot spray beat down on my face. I have to get some kind of closure today. I can’t continue to live like this. After taking a shower and shaving, I get dressed and grab a Pop Tart to eat on my way to Lizette’s office. I meet Rob in the hallway outside of my condo and we head down to my car in the parking garage.

“I’m sorry about last night, Lizette was insistent,” Rob mutters.

“Don’t worry about it, man, it’s fine,” I reply.

“What does she want to see you about?”

“I think she wants to bitch me out for partying too hard.” I sigh.

“You have been a little out of control,” Rob admits hesitantly.

I nod. “I know, I’m done, I promise.”

“Thank God, I can’t stand to see you like this.”

I give my bodyguard and friend an appreciative smile. “Yeah, I know.”

We drive to Lizette’s office in comfortable silence. I stare out the window of the car and sigh. I hope something good comes out of this meeting. Once there, Rob walks me into the building and up to her office door.

“Good luck,” Rob says.

“Thanks.” I snort.

“I’ll be out here if you need help,” Rob says with a shit-eatin’ grin.

I laugh. “Shut the hell up,” I say, giving Rob a playful shove.

I knock on her closed door and wait until I hear her call “Come in” before I open it. I walk in and shut the door behind me then go over to the chair in front of her desk and take a seat. She is typing something on her computer and doesn’t look up, so I take the moment to look her over.

Her blonde hair is pulled back into a sloppy ponytail, and she barely has any makeup on, not that that matters to me, she’s beautiful no matter what. She’s wearing a frilly pink and black blouse, but I can’t see if she’s in pants or a skirt because she’s behind her desk. She looks frazzled and irritated. She’s jabbing at her keyboard so hard that I’m afraid it’ll break.

“Lizette?” I ask softly, so not to startle her.

“You know…” she starts.

Jab...

“I didn’t sleep at all last night. You wanna know why?”

Jab, jab, jab…

I frown. “Why?”

Jab, jab…

She finally looks up, pinning me with a heart-wrenching stare. “Because I could not stop picturing that fucking slut with her mouth on you,” she says, a mixture of anger and utter devastation in her tone. She drops her head into her hands. “I don’t know what I have to do to get you to understand that I love you and I want to be with you and that I will never leave you again.”

I sigh heavily. This is not what I had been hoping for when I came here today. “I just can’t trust you, Lizette. You say that now, but what about in a few months - or years - from now? How do I know you’re not gonna think you’re not good enough for me again and I deserve better? Which is complete bullshit, by the way.”

She lifts her head to look at me.

“I learn from my mistakes, Beau. I will not make the same mistake twice,” she says with so much conviction that I’m having a hard time
not
believing her.

“So you believe that you made a mistake in letting me go?”

“Absolutely. Not only did I break your heart, but I broke mine as well.”

I watch her for a moment as I let her words sink in. Do I trust her? She looks sincere.

“Have you…uh…have you been sleeping with a lot of girls since we broke up?” Lizette asks hesitantly. I can feel the vulnerability rolling off her and she can barely keep eye contact with me as she asks.

I debate for a second if I should lie to her or not, just to get her back a little for dumping me, but I decide against it. “No, I haven’t slept with anyone else,” I reply softly.

Her eyes flip up to my, a shimmer of unshed tears catching me off guard. “But…all of the girls Rob told me about…”

Fucking Rob, he needs to keep his mouth shut. I’m going to have a talk with my bodyguard later.

I shook my head. “I only got hand jobs and some blow jobs, but it never went any further than that,” I say with promise.

“Really?” She croaks, her eyes hopeful.

Dammit!
This is so unfair. She is killing me! All I want to do right now is comfort and reassure her. I want to grab her and pull her into my arms. I want to kiss those luscious lips of hers. My heart wants to take her back and be happy again but my head says to take it slow and not to jump back into it so soon.

“Really,” I assure her with a sincere nod. “Have you been with anyone else?” I ask, needing to know. If she’s been screwing around, that will tell me how much she really cares.

Lizette shakes her head fervently, a piece of hair coming loose from her ponytail and falling down in her face. “No, it wasn’t even a thought in my mind. I could only think about you,” she says softly, tucking the loose piece of hair behind her ear, breaking eye contact.

Great! Now I feel like a fucking cheating asshole, even though we aren’t together. I hadn’t really wanted any of those girls, but my dick demanded attention. Plus, I was usually drunk or high and in a state of I-don’t-give-a-fuck. I can tell that me being with other people really hurts her. I know that if it were the other way around, I would be hurt, too. But what did she expect? She broke up with me. Did she really think that I would not be with anyone else?

I lean forward in my chair and rest my elbows on my knees, clasping my hands together. I stare down at them, trying to think about where to go from here. I glance up when I hear her chair move. Lizette stands and comes around her desk. I can see now that she’s wearing a skirt, showing off her long sexy legs. She stops in front of me and squats down with her knees together. She places her hands over mine. I glance at our hands then bring my eyes up to meet hers.

“I’m so sorry for what I did. If I could take it back, I would. I love you, Beau, and I miss you so much. What can I do to get you to give me a second chance?” Lizette rasps pleadingly.

I slowly shake my head. “I don’t know, Lizzie.” I groan in frustration. I really don’t know what to do. I want her back so badly, but there is still part of me that thinks I should just walk away for good.

Lizette moves to her knees and lifts her hands to my face. She sinks her fingers into my hair just behind my ears and leans in for a kiss. From the moment her lips brush mine, I know that I’m a goner. I slide my hands up her arms and neck so that I can cup her face. I suck in a sharp breath through my nose and deepen the kiss. Shit, I’ve missed her and the way she makes me come alive. Our tongues meet and she lets me take control. I stand, taking her with me. I wrap my arms around her tiny waist and lift her onto the edge of the desk. I wedge myself between her legs as we continue to ravage each other’s mouths.

The kiss is devastating. I can’t think. I can only feel, and right now, I need to feel Lizette under me. I sweep an arm across her desk, moving shit out of the way so that I can lay her down. I shove her back, following her down, our mouths still connected. Her legs come up to wrap around my waist. I skim a hand up her bare thigh and grab a nice handful of her thong-clad ass. I grind my achingly hard cock against her core. She gasps against my mouth, spurring me on. God, I need her, and not just for a quick fuck.

I fumble hastily with my belt and zipper. When I finally get my cock free, I yank her thong aside and plunge deep inside of her.
Oh fuck!
How I’ve missed being with her! Lizette whimpers against my lips, her nails digging into my scalp. I freeze for a moment, soaking in the feel of her before I start to pump my hips. I stay close, thrusting as deep as possible. My mouth hovers over hers as I move, our eyes locked together. I can see the love and adoration in her eyes as she looks at me. I can see her regret and guilt over what she did to me.

I bring a hand into the action, wedging it between us; my thumb finds her clit and starts rubbing furiously. She moans low and arches under me. She flicks my bottom lip with her tongue, making me hiss in pleasure. Within minutes, she’s coming, her face screwed up as she tries not to scream out loud. I follow her, shooting my load deep inside of her, grunting as quietly as possible. We pant and try to recover. I can’t help but wonder what just happened? How did we end up having sex on her desk? Where do we go from here?

“I love you, Beau, I’m sorry,” she whispers brokenly.

I frown when I see tears fall from her eyes and roll down her temples. She squeezes her eyes shut and turns her head away. I hate it when she cries; it just tears me apart. I drop my forehead to her temple.

“I love you, too, Lizzie,” I breathe.

“But you still don’t want me back,” she cries softly.

I don’t want to have this conversation while I’m still inside of her, so I push myself up and pull out. We both clean up as best we can and straighten our clothes. I turn the two chairs in front of her desk toward each other and have Lizette sit in one while I sit in the other, close enough so that our knees are touching. I take her hand and hold it in mine. She looks so unhappy; it hurts my heart. Her hair is messed up from the sex and she has tears running down her beautiful face. And I hate it.

“You hurt me so bad, baby,” I say.

Her tears turn into full-blown weeping. She covers her mouth with her hand to muffle her sobs.

“I’m sorry! I screwed up everything! I’m sorry! Please, don’t hate me!” She sobs.

Fuck!
This is not how I saw this meeting going at all! I expected her to be professional and businesslike, maybe a little cold. Not this…not her sobbing after having sex with me on her desk!
Jesus Christ!
She’s breaking my heart all over again, just in a different way this time. How can I stay mad at her when she’s like this? I’ve never seen her like this. Not this upset and hopeless. Not even after Dennis attacked me.