Authors: Nora Roberts
“Next week?” Phoebe tightened her arm around Adrianne.
“You’re going to come in for therapy,” Adrianne explained, soothing. “On an outpatient basis.”
“But I’ll live at home, with you.”
“Yes. I’ll drive up with you for your sessions. It’s a lovely drive. Then you’ll talk with Dr. Schroeder about anything you like.”
“All right.” She relaxed enough to smile. “Are we ready?”
“Just let me get your bag.” Adrianne lifted the small case, then because she felt Phoebe needed it, took her hand once more. “Thank you again, Doctor. It’s a beautiful day,” she began when they started down the corridor again. “It was wonderful to see all the trees in bud on the way up, and the flowers.” They walked outside into the sunshine and delicately scented air. “Every time I drive upstate I think how nice it might be to have a house in the country. Thank you, Robert,” she said to the driver as he took the bag. She slid into the back of the limousine with her mother. “Then I get back to New York, and I don’t see how anyone lives anywhere else.”
“You’re happy there.” Phoebe swallowed hard as the car pulled away from the institute. Escape. They were escaping again.
“I’ve always liked it, since the first time. Remember the
first afternoon, when you and Celeste and I walked all over midtown? I thought it was the most fabulous place on earth.”
“Will Celeste be there?” Celeste had had the tickets waiting. She’d met them at the airport.
“She said she’d come over later today. She’s about to start a new play.”
Phoebe blinked as she focused on Adrianne’s face. Her little girl was grown-up. They were only driving home, not running away from Abdu. No one was going to hurt Adrianne ever again. “I’m so glad you’ve had her while—while I haven’t been well.” She glanced out the window. Adrianne had been right. It was a beautiful day. Perhaps the most beautiful day she’d ever seen. “But I’m better now.” She gave Adrianne a quick, laughing kiss. “In fact, I’ve never felt better in my life. I can’t wait to go back to work.”
“Mama—”
She felt the adrenaline rise like champagne bubbles, fast and frothy. “Now, don’t start telling me I should rest. I’ve rested enough. I just need a good script.” She linked her hands together, certain there was one waiting. “It’s time I got back to taking care of my little girl. As soon as word gets out that I’m available, the offers will come in. Don’t worry.”
She seemed unable to stem the flow of optimistic words about the parts awaiting her, the producers she should lunch with, the trips she and Adrianne should take together. Adrianne said little. She knew the excitement, the utterly unrealistic planning was as symptomatic of her mother’s illness as the deep depressions. But after seeing Phoebe’s misery, it was impossible to even try to crush her illusions.
“I’ve hated to think of you living here on your own,” Phoebe began as they walked into the apartment.
“I’ve hardly been alone.” After setting down the bag, Adrianne peeled off the jacket of her suit. “Celeste has been staying here more than she stayed at home. She took the fact that you made her my guardian very seriously.”
Worry flicked back into Phoebe’s eyes. Without the suit jacket, Adrianne looked like a child again. Vulnerable. “I knew she would. I counted on it.”
“Well, we don’t have to worry about it anymore. Celeste can go back to just being my friend. Oh, Mama.” Adrianne
hugged her, swaying with the embrace. “It’s so good to have you home.”
“Baby.” Cupping her face, Phoebe drew away. “Not a baby anymore. You’re eighteen today. I hadn’t forgotten. I haven’t been able to get you anything yet but—”
“Yes, you did, and I love it. Would you like to see it?”
Pleased by the laughter in Adrianne’s eyes, Phoebe said lightly, “Oh, dear, I hope it was in good taste.”
“The very best.” She pulled Phoebe through the foyer and into the living area. Over a small fireplace was a portrait.
Phoebe had been twenty-two when the photograph it was painted from had been taken. She’d been at the zenith of her beauty, with a face that made men quiver, eyes that made them believe. She was a goddess wearing the jewels of a queen. Around her neck The Sun and the Moon glinted. Fire and ice.
“Oh, Addy.”
“Lieberitz painted it. He’s the best, a little eccentric and definitely on the dramatic side, but a master. He didn’t want to give it up once it was done.”
“Thank you.”
“It’s my present,” Adrianne reminded her teasingly. “The only thing I wanted more was to have the real thing back with me.”
“The necklace.” She ran a hand over her neck, down her breasts. “I still remember what it was like to wear it, to feel the weight of it. It had magic, Addy.”
“It still belongs to you.” Adrianne looked up at the portrait and remembered. Everything. “One day you’ll have it back.”
“One day.” She smiled, enjoying the moment. “I’m going to do better this time. I promise. No drinking, no pills, no dwelling on past mistakes.”
“That’s what I want to hear.” She stepped aside to answer the phone. “Hello. Yes. Please send her up.” Adrianne replaced the receiver and kept her smile in place. “That’s the nurse. I explained to you that Dr. Schroeder recommended having her, at least temporarily.”
“Yes.” Phoebe turned her back on the portrait and sat.
“Mama, please, don’t feel that way.”
“Don’t feel what way?” Phoebe hunched her shoulders. “I don’t want her to wear one of those damn white uniforms.”
“All right. I’ll arrange it.”
“And she isn’t to stare at me when I sleep.”
“No one’s going to stare at you, Mama.”
“Might as well be back at the sanitarium.”
“No.” Adrianne reached out, but Phoebe yanked her hand out of reach. “This is a step forward, not a step back. She’s a very nice woman, and I think you’ll like her. Please don’t—don’t pull away,” she ended helplessly.
“I’ll try.”
She did. Over the next two and a half years Phoebe struggled against an illness that seemed constantly to outpace her. She wanted to be well and strong, but it was easier, so much easier, to close her eyes and drift back to the way things had been. Or more, into the illusion of the way things could have been.
When she let the reins slip, she imagined she was between jobs, a movie being edited, a new script being considered. She could float for days on the euphoria of the reality she created within her own mind. She liked to think of Adrianne as a blissful young socialite without a care in the world, gliding through life on the wealth and prestige she’d been born to.
Then the world would turn upside down, dance fitfully over the middle ground until she was mired in a depression so deep, so dark, she lost days at a time. She would imagine herself back in the harem with the same smells, the same dim light, the same endless hours of heat and frustration. Trapped, she would hear Adrianne call to her, plead with her, but she couldn’t find the energy to answer.
Again and again she fought her way back, and each time it was more difficult, more painful.
“Merry Christmas Eve.” Celeste glided in, a Russian lynx over her shoulders and her arms full of boxes wrapped in silver paper.
Adrianne sprang up to take the boxes while eyeing the coat with a mixture of envy and amusement. “Did Santa come early this year?”
“Just a little gift to myself for a successful eight-month
run in
Windows.”
She touched the collar before taking off the coat and tossing it over a chair. “Phoebe, you look wonderful.” It was a lie, but a kind one. Still, Celeste thought her friend looked better than she had a few weeks before. The sallowness was less pronounced. Adrianne had brought in a hairdresser just that afternoon to color and style Phoebe’s hair. It looked nearly as rich and full as it once had.
“It’s so sweet of you to come. I know you must have been invited to a dozen parties.”
“Ranging from obnoxious to boring.” On a sigh Celeste dropped down on the sofa and stretched out her firm, still shapely legs. “You know very well there’s no one I’d rather spend Christmas Eve with than you and Addy.”
“Not even Kenneth Twee?” Phoebe asked, managing a smile.
“Old news, darling.” Grinning, she tossed both arms over the back of the couch. “I decided Kenneth was entirely too staid.” Sensing Adrianne behind her, she lifted a hand. “You’ve outdone yourself with the tree this year.”
“I wanted something special.” She took the offered hand. Celeste felt the nerves like thin little wires.
“You’ve succeeded.” Celeste scanned the spruce. On each branch was a different hand-painted ornament. Elves danced on the limbs, reindeer flew, angels glittered. “Those are the decorations you had commissioned for the battered children fund drive?”
“Yes. I think they came out really well.”
“It looks like you bought them all up yourself.”
“Not quite.” Laughing, Adrianne walked over to fuss with the positioning of a teardrop ball. “The project exceeded the goals. In fact, it did so well I’m thinking of making it an annual event.” Satisfied, she turned back. Behind her the tree tossed out glittering light. “Well, how about some eggnog?”
“My dear, you read my mind.” Celeste slipped off her shoes. “I don’t suppose your Mrs. Grange has any of those holiday cookies left?”
“Baked a fresh batch this morning.”
“Bring them on.” Celeste patted her flat stomach. “I renewed my membership at the gym.”
“I’ll be just a minute.” She cast one worried look at her mother, then hurried off.
“Adrianne’s hoping for snow.” Phoebe stared at the window, letting the colored lights Adrianne had strung around the frame blur in her vision. “Do you remember that first Christmas, right before we left for Hollywood? I’ll never forget Adrianne’s face when we lit the tree.”
“Neither will I.”
“I gave her a ball once, one of those little glass balls that you turn over to make a snowfall. I wonder what became of it.” Absently, she rubbed at a headache behind her eyes. She seemed to get them constantly. “I wanted her to go out tonight, be with young people.”
“Christmas is best when you spend it with family.”
“You’re right.” Phoebe shook her hair back and determined to be gay. “She’s so busy these days, with all her charity work and socializing. Then she spends hours with her computer. I have no idea what she does with it, but it makes her happy.”
“Now if we could only put our heads together and match her up with some wonderful, wildly handsome man.”
With a laugh Phoebe stretched out both hands. “That would be great, wouldn’t it? Before you know it, we’d be grandmothers.”
“Speak for yourself.” Celeste lifted a brow as she patted the back of her hand under her chin. “I’m years too young to be a grandmother.”
“Christmas cheer, anyone?” Adrianne carried in a large tray. “What are you two giggling about?”
“Giggling’s undignified,” Celeste pointed out. “Your mother and I were sharing a sophisticated chuckle. Oh, God, are those snickerdoodles?”
“Just the cookie for the sophisticated palate.” Adrianne handed her one, then poured the eggnog. It was spiced with nothing more than nutmeg. “To another Christmas with my two favorite people.”
“And to dozens more,” Celeste added before she sipped.
Dozens more.
The words screamed in Phoebe’s mind, taunting. She forced a smile and held the cup to her lips. How could she celebrate the thought of years when each day was a torment to live through? But Adrianne wasn’t to know. Shifting her eyes, Phoebe saw that her daughter was watching her, the beginnings of worry on her face. She managed to
make her smile brighter, but her hand shook a little as she set down her cup.
“We should have some music.” Phoebe linked her trembling fingers. Even when Adrianne rose to turn on the stereo she didn’t relax. It felt as if there were hundreds of eyes watching her, waiting for her to make a mistake. If she had a drink, just one, then the pounding in her head would stop and she could think clearly.
“Phoebe?”
“What?” She jolted, terrified Celeste had read her thoughts. Celeste always saw too much, wanted too much. Why did everyone want so much?
“I asked what you thought of Adrianne’s plans for the New Year’s Eve charity ball.” Concerned, she reached over to squeeze her friend’s hand. “It’s wonderful, isn’t it, the reputation Addy’s building as an organizer?”
“Yes.” “Silent Night”? Wasn’t that “Silent Night” on the radio? Phoebe remembered teaching the carol to Adrianne long ago in the hot, silent rooms in Jaquir. It had been a secret between them. They’d had so many secrets. Just as she had secrets now.
All is calm, all is bright.
She had to be calm because everyone was watching.
“I’m sure it’s going to be a terrific success.” Celeste glanced over at Adrianne, and the message passed silently between them.
“I’m counting on it.” In an old habit she sat close to Phoebe and took her hand. On a good day that small contact was all her mother needed. “We hope to raise about two hundred thousand for the homeless. I’ve worried that a gala dinner dance with champagne and truffles isn’t really appropriate for a benefit for New York’s homeless.”
“Anything that raises money for a good cause is appropriate,” Celeste corrected her.
Adrianne sent her a quick, humorless smile, then looked at Phoebe. “Yes, I believe that. I believe that very strongly. When the end’s important enough, it more than justifies the means.”
“I’m tired.” If her voice sounded petulant, Phoebe didn’t care. She wanted to get away from the watchful eyes, the unspoken expectations. “I think I’ll go up to bed.”
“I’ll take you up.”
“Don’t be silly.” Phoebe fought off annoyance. It faded completely when she looked at Adrianne’s face. “You stay down here with Celeste and enjoy the tree.” She wrapped her arms tight around her daughter. “I’ll see you in the morning, baby. We’ll get up early and open presents just like we did when you were a little girl.”
“All right.” Adrianne turned her face up for a kiss and tried to ignore the fact that Phoebe’s once sturdy body seemed so brittle. “I love you, Mama.”
“I love you, Addy. Merry Christmas.” She turned, holding out both hands for Celeste. “Merry Christmas, Celeste.”