Authors: Erin Cawood
No, the great Cal McKenzie had far too much to lose. If anyone found out what the psychiatrist who owned the McKenzie Medical Centers was doing to his wife, his reputation would be ruined. He was seeing no one. “You’re only telling me what I want to hear.”
The pain from my distrust filled his eyes again. Then he sighed as he rolled his eyes. “Fine.” His smile broke the tension as he chuckled, "You can tie me up if you have to."
That was the umpteenth time in this conversation something I’d said should have triggered his explosive temper. But nothing, and now he was cracking jokes?
Could it be? Darryl? Has Cal really changed?
Chapter Thirty-One
We picked the girls up from school. Zoe was thrilled to see him. She flew into his arms and held onto her dad like she’d never let him go again, but Cate wouldn’t go with him. She wanted to stay with me until I finished work like she normally did. I had to bribe her with ice cream. Something Cal had never let them eat before dinner.
I met them in the diner when I finished work at five, and we went back to my apartment. I know, I know. You don’t need to tell me, D. It was incredibly foolish to show him where we lived. But it’s not like we could really discuss why I left him in a public place.
He took one look at the gaudy ornaments on the Christmas tree and burst into the biggest belly laugh you’ve ever heard. I swear, the girls thought he’d cracked up. "I bet you played carols full blast and danced like maniacs as well, didn't you?"
"It was 'mazing," Zoe grinned as she grabbed his hand and pulled him toward the tree. "I made this one at school, Daddy." It was a ping pong ball covered in glitter. There were half a dozen in different colors. “And this one.”
Dinner was noisy. I asked Cal to move the tree from the table so we could sit at the table and eat like a family. The girls had lots of stories to tell him about their new friends, about their performances in the school play. It was unlike any other dinner time we’d ever had. Cal actually listened to them, he made conversation with them. Just like the way he had with you, Caleb, and Georgia. It felt too good, too safe, and that made me feel uneasy, like I was being lured into a trap.
One day, I told myself, one conversation where we could work out some boundaries and I would be at ease around him. So I made a start on the dishes and let Cal fulfill the request of a bedtime story.
The thing about my apartment is it has thin walls so I heard the entire scene play out in their shared bedroom. From the moment Cal asked Zoe if she was too big to sleep with her teddy bear, to the tears because she left it at our old house, and the promise Cal made to bring it the next time he came to see them. I heard the story start to finish, with the funny character voices making the girls giggle until they faded away as they drifted towards sleep.
I also heard Cate whisper, "Will you be here when I wake up, Daddy?"
"No, Kitty-Cat, Daddy did something he should never ever do, and Mommy’s very upset."
"You pushed her down the stairs?"
“How do you know that?”
"I saw you. She was running away. And then you hit her and you made her cry. Then she went to sleep and she wouldn't wake up. She was bleeding and I called for the ambulance."
"You saw all that?”
He gasped and my heart went out to him. Really, it did, and I don’t know why. This wasn’t a grip that had been accidently too hard or a bruise he needed protecting from. This was something he deserved to know, and little Kitty-Cat was the best person to deliver the message. But still, my heart wanted to hold his hand and say we would fix it.
“Where was Zoe?"
"She was sleeping. Mommy said I was sleeping too. She said you would never hurt her. But you did, because I saw you. You were mad and went out in the car, coz you do when you’re mad, and when you come back you’re not mad anymore. But she wouldn’t wake up, Daddy!”
I heard it the moment her voice broke and it took every ounce of strength to stay where I was. The tears crackled in her throat and she began to cry. So I closed my eyes and fought against the frightened little voice singing in my mind as I battled my own tears. Cal had to face this too.
“People who don’t wake up go to heaven, Daddy.” He must have held her because I could hear soothing sounds he made as she continued. “Then the ambulance man asked me to sing while he woke her up with his magic medicine. The next day Mommy said we didn’t live with you anymore."
"I'm so sorry, Kitty-Cat. You shouldn't have seen any of that. And that's why you and Mommy need to learn to trust Daddy again, and you need to know I will never ever do it again, ever, before Mommy will let me be here when you wake up."
It was a long time before he left her. When he stepped out of the girls' bedroom, he looked whiter than the first time he ever hit me. He just sat down at the kitchen table and stared at his hands like they were foreign objects to him. "She saw the whole thing." He looked at me. "I never wanted to be this man. I never wanted to become my dad.” He frowned. “He used to hit my mom in front of us, and I’d swear that would never be me."
"You don't have to be that man."
"I don’t want to lose you and the girls, but now I don’t know if what I’m doing is enough.” He turned his orange eyes to me. “Help me, Faith."
"I can't." I shook my head. "Only you can do this.” He looked away and nodded. “Only you can get the help you need." I wrapped one hand around his. "But I made a promise to you twenty-two years ago, and for as long as I feel that we are safe,” with the other I lifted his chin and forced his eyes to mine, “I won't run away from you again." I placed my lips against his. “I’m right here beside you, Cal.”
Chapter Thirty-Two
31
st
January 2000
I think I may have upset up your future father-in- law, hint, hint. Oh okay, I know it’s just been a few months, but a sister can wish can’t she?
And I know what you’re thinking: Robert will calm down, eventually. But really, it’s been eight weeks since Cal came back into our lives, and he hasn’t even raised his voice once. Christmas was amazing! He brought the girls lots of presents. He bought Zoe long range walkie-talkies to use with Tammy downstairs, and Cate a dancing instruction video. He’s been looking for dance teachers and there’s a really good school near our apartment. He wants to pay for her tuition. He never gave a damn before.
He bought me some beautiful jewelry; much too beautiful to wear around here. But when I said this he just smiled and said he hoped I’d have the jewelry longer than the tenancy on the apartment. But there was no pressure or rush.
You know, he’s been here every weekend. He arrives after school on Fridays and he’s never made the presumption I’d let him stay here. He books a room in a hotel downtown. The first few times, after the girls were in bed and the drink I offered felt a little awkward, he just picked up his things. He said goodnight. He said he wouldn’t outstay his welcome.
The more comfortable I felt, and the safer I felt with him around, that’s when he accepted the offered drink… and now we’ve started to work on our marriage. Baby steps, I suppose you’d call them. But I really do think it’s different this time. You know, he hasn’t once made a move on me. He hasn’t stepped into my personal space since that day he turned up and I was scared to death of him.
He’ll happily hold my hand if I offer it to him. When we took the kids to the park to play the other day, we sat down on the wooden benches to watch them. You know, it felt completely natural to snuggle up to him in the cold. I threaded my hand through the crook of his arm and rested my head against his shoulder. He asked me if I was okay, and when I said I was fine, he grinned like I’d just made his week.
Sometimes I catch him staring at me with a fierce heat that could set fire to my blood. But when I’ve asked what the problem is, he smiles and says, “Nothing a cold shower won’t resolve.” Oooh! It’s not like Cal to hold back anything, especially not where the bedroom is concerned, but I think he wants there to be no regrets when we start taking the next steps. So for now, I settle for him holding my hand, and we’ll take it one step at a time back into our marriage.
Chapter Thirty-Three
15
th
February 2000
Oh, D, we were having the perfect Valentine’s Day. It started with a delivery of roses and fresh baked pastries at my door. Cal thought of something I’d really want, something money couldn’t buy. He took us out to dinner and he surprised us. Georgia and Caleb were there! All of my children sat together for a family meal. You were missing, and I noticed you weren’t there more than ever before, but can you imagine how wonderful that was after all this time?
There was just one awkward moment when I thought the whole night would fall through and Georgia, bless her heart, was doing her best to stand up for her dad. She wasn’t letting the matter go, and to be honest, D, I don’t really blame her. She hasn’t heard from me in six months. It’s only natural for her to have questions. She wanted to know what happened. Why had I left? Did this mean we’d reconciled? When was I moving back home?
“Mom, it’s cruel of you to punish Dad like this. It’s like you couldn’t get far enough away without leaving the state.”
“Baby Girl.” Cal smiled at her as he took my hand until the table. “Leave it.”
“But it’s not like you did anything wrong.” She whined in a similar manner to what I’d have expected from her much younger sisters, not someone turning twenty-one today. “She was the one with the problem. She was the one who was unhappy. She shouldn’t have taken Cate and Zoe this far away.”
“It was me,” he admitted. “It’s my fault your Mom left me.”
“Cal.” He looked at me as I asked in a calm, quiet voice, “Please don’t say any more?”
“Don’t say any more about what?” Caleb’s eyes narrowed towards his father. They clouded with anger as he accused. “What did you do?”
“Nothing,” I said in the same restaurant voice. “It’s between me and your dad.”
“I...” Cal’s eyes met mine as I silently pleaded not to tell our children the truth. He nodded. “I had an affair.” He turned to the older kids as though he knew it would settle their inquisitive demands. “It was years ago, but your Mom found out six months ago, and that’s why she left me. It’s my fault, not hers.”
“Dad?” Georgia looked at him like she hadn’t seen him before. “You really cheated on Mom?”
“I did, Baby Girl.”
“And you’re taking him back?” She glared at me like I was the biggest fool in the world. “Why aren’t you divorcing his sorry ass?” Georgia’s eyes grew into huge chocolate discs as both hands smothered a gasp. “Oh God!” she mumbled from beneath her fingers. “I’m so sorry.”
“You know, Georgia, I ask myself the same question every day,” I admitted.
Every time I look in the mirror and see the scar above my right brow I reminded myself, he did that to me when he yanked me down the stairs. I tell myself this is just a smoke screen and this isn’t going to last. He’s telling me what I want to hear and he’s rebuilding those castles in the clouds. But my head isn’t the only part of me paying attention to what’s going on here. My heart’s telling me this is for real. Cal has changed.
“I still love your dad. So we’re trying to work things out.”
I felt so special as I looked at him, and so precious under his loving orange gaze. His fingertips brushed away the hair from my eyes and then his lips... for the first time in three months, they met mine. I wasn’t disappointed after waiting all that time.
“I love you too, Faith.”
After the girls were in bed, we settled on the sofa with a glass of wine, with Cal’s feet up on the second-hand coffee table and my legs stretched along his. I tucked my head into the curve of his neck and shoulder, his cheek resting at top of my head. He said, “That night...” What night? I was so relaxed I just wasn’t thinking at all... “A kid half my age was coming on to my wife and she was flirting with him right before my eyes.”
Oh! Now I was wired, switched on and ready for action. That night! Why did he have to go and bring it up? “No,” I said softly, trying to keep the tension from my voice as I shook my head. “If he was, then I was too preoccupied with Cate standing on seats and Zoe kicking the back of your seat to notice.”
“I’m a horrible man. I don’t know why you’re still with me.” I pulled away to look at him. Where was this coming from? Cal never had insecurities. “And then some younger model offered you his number, under the pretense you’d pass it along to our daughter, and Fay–” His face crumpled like he was in pain. “You took it. I thought I was losing you and I lost it. I’m so sorry.”
I put my hand on his cheek. “You’re not a horrible man. You have an issue and you’re working on it. We’re working together to fix it. And for the record, I’m with you because I love you.”
He placed his lips on mine. The kiss was soft, gentle. He took things slow because neither of us wanted regrets. And it was what I wanted more than anything, to feel his body against mine. So when we lay down I didn’t protest, because I thought it was what I wanted. There was pleasure and it was nice... no, wrong word... it was good... oh, it was getting very good… and then his hands started to wander.
And it wasn’t good anymore. Because of all those times he made me when I didn’t want to. Now I didn’t want to anymore, but I was terrified to stop in case he made me.
“Fay?” he whispered. “Are you okay?”
I just shook my head. “Please stop.”
“What is it?” He looked at me like I’d just slapped him.
“I’m not ready for this.”
“We’ve been back together for nearly three months. And it’s been over six since we —”
“I’m fully aware. But there are many more times where I can tell you the day, the date, the time, how long it took, what position, what sheets were on the bed, what clothes you wore, what aftershave you were wearing, what you said and did afterwards in the last four years than there isn’t.”