Authors: Erin Cawood
Oh, D, I was so envious of Bree. Because didn’t mine say so much more? Didn’t it say I was a possession? A thing? An object to be used and beaten whenever he wanted? I wasn’t a housewife. I was his housekeeper. I wasn’t the mother of his children, I was their caretaker. I wasn’t his wife, his wife was dead... I was his whore.
Now tell me, D, why would I keep these rings?
Chapter Thirty-Seven
Date: 05/16/2001 11:32:00 AM
Subject: Reasons to Celebrate
I can’t believe it’s been a year since we moved here. It really has gone by so fast and I’ve finally stopped looking over my shoulder. We’ve moved into the suburbs, but that wasn’t because I didn’t want to stay in one place too long. Oh okay, maybe I was just a little bit antsy about staying in the same place. But seriously, D, I no longer believe he’s going to be around the next corner.
Robert says he’s busy. He’s still keeping an eye on Calvin. Apparently, he’s got a girlfriend. Well, I hope she has better luck than me. Was that bitter? I didn’t mean it that way if it was. If another woman can make him a better man, then she’s a better, stronger person than me.
We live near Carol and we have gardens in the front and back. The girls have their own bedrooms and I even have a car. Carol’s youngest daughter is seventeen. She comes and sits with the girls on a Friday, and Carol, Bree, and I go for cocktails after work. I don’t drink a lot and I’m home by ten. You know I don’t like to stay out too late.
I’ve always had trouble sleeping since that night in New York. But, I guess, maybe it was the move, because for the first few weeks I wandered around all night checking windows and doors, making sure we were alone. You don’t realize how unsafe I feel when we’re in a new environment, but the new house is so much better for the girls.
They have a bedroom of their own. Kitty-Cat’s, of course, is covered in stars, and Fireball has a stage theme going on with red velvet drapes. Carol’s son is a carpenter, so he came and built her a mini-stage. She even has a spotlight! Now she can practice her performances. I tell you, the kid just cracks me up. She’s going to be famous one day.
They don’t fight as much anymore now that they each have their own space, and a garden to burn off their energy and play in. Carol’s daughter picks them up from school, too. So coming home from work is bliss most of the time.
After the weekend at the lake, Carol figured it out. She told me you learn a lot about someone when you’re in such close quarters for four days. Like how I go to bed after everyone else and I’m up before everyone else and there’s no wonder I drink espresso like it’s tap water. And the way I ripped off my jewelry like it had burnt my skin and cast it into the water.
“Any sane wife in your shoes would have sold them, Lil,” she told me. “They were worth at least two paychecks.” Bree’s son was sick and Carol had taken me to lunch, her treat she’d said. But now I know it was a trap. “Lee’s not my first husband. He’s not my kid’s dad,” she said, lifting her glass of chardonnay to her lips. “Their dad... well, he was great. I couldn’t have asked for a better husband. Then one day he hit me.” My eyes went to hers. “He promised he’d never do it again; but he did. And he kept making promises and then breaking them and well, I was too ashamed to tell anyone and too scared to leave him. He had a heart attack in the end.”
I remember thinking,
she’s lucky her husband is dead
. When did I become this person, D? When did I become bitter enough to be envious of a widow?
Carol sank into the backrest of her chair. “You know why I’m telling you this, Lily.”
I nodded. “My name’s Faith.” I couldn’t hold back the tears I’ve carried for nearly two years any longer. “I’ve changed it half a dozen times because he keeps finding us.”
For the first time in my life, I don’t feel so alone. There’s someone else who knows what I’m going through. She tells me I’m not going crazy and not to be angry at myself, it doesn’t end just because I left. On those mornings after I’ve had a nightmare about him, she knows. The three of us, we go for coffee and a chat, and I feel so, so much better.
Carol tells me I’m doing amazing to have managed to get this far on my own. The years Cal spent wearing me down is only now starting to heal. She says I need to reconsider counseling, maybe a support group at a local shelter. I guess she means like the one Caleb volunteers at... but I don’t know. It’s the thought of being in a room with a psychiatrist that scares me. I know, I know, my brother, my baby girl, and my little man are all going to be psychiatrists but I know you, so you don’t count. I’m talking about strangers. Psychiatrists are tarnished for me but Carol says I should continue writing to you about how I’m feeling until I make a decision. Apparently, it’s cathartic for me. So you do come in handy, after all!
The girls are amazing. Their grades are so high at this new school. Zoe got the lead in her class performance and strutted around like a star for weeks afterward. At the show choir’s annual concert, the junior cast performed first. Cate didn’t tell me she had a song of her own. Oh, D! She brought down the house right before the interval. I cried. I’m so proud of them. I know this can’t have been easy for either of them, but they’ve bounced back like a spring. Kids are so resilient, aren’t they?
Summer’s coming up, and we’re spending Fourth of July weekend at Carol’s lake house this year. It’s just going to be me and the girls. Bree has plans with her new man and Carol’s visiting with her in-laws. If you don’t have plans already, maybe you and Izzy could meet us? I’d love to see this rock Robert says you’ve put on her finger. I take great pleasure in saying I told you so!
Why didn’t you tell me? Don’t worry, you just say when and where. We’ll be there.
Maybe if Caleb isn’t studying too hard, you can ask him to come to the lake house too? Aw, who am I kidding? Tell him I want to see him. And Georgia too. I know... I know... she’ll tell her dad where we are and I’m prepared to take that chance. If you’re there and Caleb is there, even if he did turn up, he wouldn’t dare. You just need to make sure he doesn’t follow me when I leave.
July Fourth is going to be fantastic this year!
Chapter Thirty-Eight
Date: 06/27/2001 15:45:29 PM
Subject: Next Weekend is off!
I don’t believe it. I do not fucking believe it. He’s been here all along!
Oh God!
I think I’m having a heart attack!
D, what do I do?
He invaded my lunch break to see his girlfriend. Oh God! Bree’s besotted with him. I knew all about this fantastic much older guy she’s been dating for the past six months. How his happy marriage slowly drifted apart until they realized they were only friends.
For an hour I sat with them, trying my damnedest not to cringe. It’s so hard watching someone you love and knowing what they’re letting themselves in for. Do I tell her?
Oh God! He found me a long time ago, but only now has he made himself known. That means he’s up to something, I know he is. My cover is blown. He even knows my name is Lily Evans, and he’s called demanding to see the girls.
“Faith, please,” he said. “I only want to make some arrangements to see Caitlyn and Zoe.”
“No.”
“You can’t stop me from seeing my girls.”
“You’ve tried to kill me twice.” I hissed into the phone because I was at work, concerned that people could hear me; we’re not supposed to take personal calls at the office. But this is the only way he’d get in touch, and there’s no way he was getting another number.
“Don’t be so overdramatic,” he said with a laugh.
I shuddered. I knew he wasn’t going to let me go without getting what he wants. “Fine but I don’t want to see you, or speak to you, or hear the girls say they’ve seen or spoken to you before we meet you at Jetson’s Ice Cream Parlor at one o’clock on Saturday. If I do, I’m gone.”
“You’re going anyway, aren’t you?” He snorted a laugh. “You’re just giving yourself a two day head start.”
“No. We have a life here. A life I like very much. So I’m going to go against my better judgment and give you the benefit of the doubt. You give me a reason to trust you, then you can see your girls.”
“You know I don’t like it when you speak to me like this.”
“You do what I want, Cal, and I’ll do what you want.” I drew in a deep breath. “Do we understand each other?”
“Perfectly,” he said. “Saturday, one o’clock.”
I was a trembling wreck by the time the receiver dropped back into the base. My pulse was thumping at the base of my neck, my heart hammered against my ribs, and I could hardly breathe. The man was going to hurt me. He’d pretty much said he was going to hurt me when he said, "You know I don’t like…”. How I’d managed to say anything, I had no idea, but to throw his words back at him? Oh Christ, I thought, I’m a dead woman!
Carol took one look at me and dragged me into the conference room. You know, I love that woman to bits. She really understands. The second she closed the door, she looked at me and said “That man’s trouble. I can see it in your eyes. Who is he, Lily?”
It makes me smile that even though she knows my real name, she still calls me by the one she knew me by first. “Which man?”
“Don’t play games with me, you’re terrified. Calvin McKenzie, the man whose wife is called Fay. Oh, shit.” She rubbed her face with a manicured hand. “It’s short for ‘Faith’.”
“I’m off,” I whispered. The tears poured silently from my eyes. “I’m getting my girls and I’m getting as far away from him as possible.”
“You have to stop running eventually, Faith.”
I looked at Carol and felt those five digits closing around my throat, his hand pulling against my thigh, his body pressing against mine and I... I couldn’t face him. I couldn’t. How I’d managed it today I’d never know, but knowing he was here was making my skin crawl. Every inch of my body felt like it was going to burst with the anxiety of knowing he was so close, not knowing where he was or what he was doing.
“No.” I shook my head. “The next time he gets his hands on me, I’m pretty sure he’s going to kill me.” I wiped at my damp cheeks with my palms and said, “I’m not giving him that chance.”
“You can always report him to the police.”
“Please, watch out for Bree.” I smiled as I shook my head. But then Carol always knew I’d refuse to go to the police. “He’s good at building castles in the clouds.”
Little brother, the Fourth of July weekend is off. I’m sorry.
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Hawthorne Creek, Georgia
From: [email protected]
Date: 07/05/2002 13:32:11 PM
Subject: Greetings from Hawthorne Creek
Seriously! That’s where we are. I know I’ve never told you where we are before, but we’re not stopping. It’s just that... well, you see, I turned off the interstate after an hour because he always finds us. So we’ve been drifting from town to town for the past year. While we’re getting used to our latest new family name of “Frances” we kind of drove into the middle of... well, the best thing I’ve ever seen.
You know, you see these old towns on television, D, and they look like the town the seventies forgot, let alone the eighties, and if you were to say the millennium bug, people would probably think you are talking about a millipede, not a computer. But it’s nothing like you’ll ever see on TV, because the people here are like one massive family.
I knew it was different the moment we drove into town. There were colored flags crisscrossing the street. Main Street was closed and a uniformed officer redirecting traffic told me all tourists could park in Farmer Fred’s field.
“Oh no, Officer.” I shook my head. “We’re just passing through. Could you tell me another way around?”
“You sure?” He smiled at the girls in the back. “People come from all over Georgia to celebrate Fourth of July in Hawthorne Creek, you know?”
“It’s the Fourth of July?” I repeated. You know, the last six weeks have been a total blur of a few days here and a few days there. I’d completely lost track of days.
“It’s the Fourth of July?” A fireball of red hair swung over the seat from behind me and Zoe’s face grinned at me. “You said we were having a special Fourth of July this year, Mommy.”
“Is this our surprise, Mom?” Caitlyn asked, and I saw her bright, wide eyes taking in the town around her through the rearview mirror. “You said you were making up for last year.”
I felt a pang of guilt. This was not what I had planned but I hadn’t planned to be living in motels for a year either. “Sure it is.” I smiled. What harm could a couple of hours do? They deserved a break, and a little bit of fun too. I turned to the officer. “Where would I find this field?”
The field was about two miles from town. So I slung a couple of warm drinks in my backpack and said to the girls we’d better start walking back to town. Farmer Fred started to laugh. He asked the girls if they’d like to ride in his tractor instead. Of course, he wanted no money for this. He wouldn’t even accept something towards the cost of his diesel. Even later, when I purposefully sought him out to buy him a drink, he wouldn’t accept it but said he appreciated the sentiment. How odd. Do you know anyone like that, D?
The tractor was kitted out with straw bales as seats, and the girls sat and chatted with Farmer Fred all the way into town. He told them all about the carnival in town that day. I’d let myself in for it big time.
There was a parade, and a talent contest, and a cake decorating competition. Lots of soda, cotton candy, toffee apples, homemade fudge, hot dogs and burgers, and the diner was giving away free sundaes. And then, in the evening, he said there would be a dance with the town’s best live band and the talent show finale. And, of course, there was going to be lots and lots of fireworks. The girls kept looking at me liked I’d made their year.