Authors: Erin Cawood
"Cal?" He paced back and forth along the driver's side of the car. He looked furious. The angry words were directed at himself. I lifted the sweater back up and jumped out of the passenger door. "Cal, it's —"
"No, it isn't!" He shook his head as I rounded the car. "What about your knees?"
"What?"
"I dumped you on the floor like you were trash." His face crumpled into his hands. "God, I can't get your expression out of my head.” He lifted his eyes to mine. He was in pain, so much pain, and I’d have done anything to take it away. This was really tearing him up inside, but he wouldn’t let me help. “You know, I was cursing you, Fay. I was calling you every rotten name under the sun until I calmed down because you had no idea what you'd done wrong. You did nothing to deserve this. There’s no wonder you were too scared to tell me."
"Cal, I’m not scared of you and my knees are fine. Look." I lifted my linen slacks and smiled at him. "It was an accident. You didn’t mean to do it. I didn’t want to draw attention to it... but I've never deliberately kept anything from you, and this was killing me."
"Why would you keep something like this from me? Surely I deserve to know?"
"Do you?" I whispered. "I'm not so sure. You’re my husband, so yes, I should tell you everything. But can you honestly say you wouldn't have been better off if you'd let me go to sleep in the car, let me feel off-color for a few days, and never have found out?” His expression faltered because I was right. “Look at you, Cal. I'd do anything to avoid seeing you like this, and because you're like this I'm certain it was an accident. I was right by not drawing attention to it. You really didn't need to know."
"Whatever did I do to deserve a girl like you to marry me?"
"You crushed me on a beach until I surrendered."
His laughter made my lips tingle as he kissed me. It was a kiss telling me I was the most precious thing in his life. Long and soft and...well, perfect. You know, I’m sure the kids were hiding because we were making out. They were at the age where this had begun to gross them out.
"I'm sorry, Faith.” He whispered into my ear. “I hate thinking you’re lying to me, so I shouldn’t lie to you.” I pulled away. My husband was lying to me? What the hell can he possibly be lying about after a kiss like that? “I want you to stop taking the birth control pills."
"I don't understand."
"Stop taking them, Faith.” I opened my mouth to argue. “If accidents happen, then nothing would make me happier than more children before we're too old to enjoy them."
Chapter Fourteen
Oh, how the roles had reversed! I wasn't sure if I wanted any more children. We were long past the sleepless nights and the diapers. Way past the potty training and the “accidents happen, sweetheart” stage. You were all growing independent of me. I carpooled. I did the school runs and the club chauffeuring and the taxis to the mall, the movies, and the birthday parties. In between the housework, I had a little time for me.
In that time, I met some friends for coffee. I played tennis at the local club and was getting pretty good. I was enjoying the life I had. But, you know, when Cal told me to do something I did it, even something as magnanimous as stopping the contraceptive pill and risk bringing another child into the world. For whatever reason, I'd rather take my chances on the cosmos than on defying Cal. I'm not saying I was scared of what he'd do. It's just... well... it's what I did with no questions asked.
So there we were, trying to get pregnant, but accidentally. Yup, the psychiatrist... he's nuts! No ovulation charts, no taking temperatures, no visits to the doctor, just lots and lots of really great... um, swiftly moving on… life continued through its normal day-to-day routine.
It was the summer after you passed your driving test. The summer you were seventeen and Cal took away your car and you whined all summer long. You tried to remind him how much you needed the car to get to your community volunteering work. Why had you used it for drag racing? What were you thinking? I’ve never been so disappointed in you. I know you were a boy with a need for speed but... WHAT WERE YOU THINKING?
You’re a goddamn fool for risking your life like that when all it takes is a bad move. You’ve already survived one death plunge. But twice? Don’t you ever think you’re that lucky!
If Cal was hard on you, it was because the news made me violently sick, and he had the pleasure of shouting at you when I physically couldn’t. He said you’d get away with it because the captain and his wife were in counseling, but next time you wouldn’t be so lucky. Yes, I wouldn’t speak to you for weeks, but it was better to say nothing at all than tip your world upside down out of anger and spite. I had every intention of taking the secret you were adopted to my grave and Cal knew it. He didn’t take the car away from you. I did. For the first time in our marriage, I overruled him. Your foolish friends and their foolish ways, aren’t you glad I did?
I still remember that day like it was just this morning. The aroma of fresh bread and sandwich meat was in the air. I still hear the sounds of senior boys laughing with junior high school girls as they learned flirting and practiced flicking their hair. You were all so patient with Georgia and her friends, even though you were six years older.
I remember telling you to stay out in the front, stay off the drive and to stay out of the workmen’s way. It was the year we had a super-hot summer and Cal decided we needed a pool. It was the same year we bought Caleb his new bike. It was black with racing car red flames at the wheels and he loved it. He had just turned nine and really started to spread his little wings. It was getting to the point where I’d only see you guys when you were hungry.
Caleb had taken off on his bike to James’ house early that morning. You and Georgia were out front with your friends, and I was in the kitchen feeding what seemed like thousands of kids when it happened — the screech of tires, then a crash and a bang.
Then all I heard was screaming. My heart stopped. I flew out the door. Everyone was running in one direction; but not me. I froze at the porch. My eyes scanned the street. Where were you? I was looking for the most important three kids. No, two, because Caleb wasn’t there.
So far, I could only see Georgia. I saw the tears were pouring from her eyes. My heart dropped into my stomach. The fear, it lodged in my throat like a ball. “Darryl!”
I shot to the edge of the garden. The street was a war zone of twisted metal and tilting poles. Streets lights were held up by cables and solider like old oak trees.
“Someone call 911!” I yelled and pushed my way through the crowd. I dreaded what I’d find there. Some combination of you mangled with a car.
“Darryl!” I yelled again as I burst through the front line. I felt sweet relief. You were crouched by the rear of that blue sedan. You were perfectly fine. My heart started beating again. That’s when I saw the red flames. They were underneath the car’s back wheel.
“Oh, God.” There was no blood thumping through my eardrums. There was nothing else in the world at all. Just those red flames and that car tire. I think that’s when I sunk to the ground. “Oh, God, no.” It wasn’t happening. My baby. Caleb. My little man. “No.”
“It’s really uncomfortable D, but I’m really okay.”
His voice was sweet music to my ears. I just sat back on my heels for a second and took a deep breath. He was awake, he was talking, and he said he was okay.
“I know, buddy,” you said, “but it’s just until the EMT gets here. They need to say you’re okay, and then you can get up.”
The bike’s front wheel was under one wheel but the rest of the bike lay untouched underneath the vehicle and Caleb’s legs were still straddled around the frame. I sent prayers of thanks to the man above, because considering the street and how lucky Caleb had been, someone had performed one hell of a miracle.
“Hey, little man.” My voice was shaking as I crawled towards you. “Darryl, can you update Georgia and call Cal?” You nodded and went to move. “Then come back.” You met my eyes. I think you knew Caleb wanted you there. “Little man, I need to check your heart rate, okay?” Caleb nodded. I reached for his wrist and found his pulse, then looked at the seconds on my watch. I trembled inside and my own heart rate hadn’t stopped racing and I had to recount twice. “I think it’s okay.” I couldn’t be sure. My head was second guessing what I recalled from a lifetime ago. “Do you hurt anywhere?”
“I think I grazed my knee.”
“Oh.” That couldn’t be all. He was virtually trapped under a car! “Can you live with that?” I asked as you returned to my side. “Or do we need to chop it off?”
He giggled and shook his head. The laughter came to an abrupt stop. He looked at his tee. “Is that blood?”
I stared at the dark mark on his white t-shirt. It didn’t look like blood to me.
“No, buddy,” you said. “It’s oil.”
“What’s it doing on my shirt?”
I’m so glad you were there. My eyes were too focused on finding where it had come from to reply. But your attention was only on keeping Caleb calm. You simply said, “Didn’t your Mom and Dad tell you? You’re a robot.”
“Wicked!”
Chapter Fifteen
When I think back, that summer was really eventful. What with your friend Scott taking off without looking where he was going and causing an oncoming car to swerve, taking out Caleb’s rear wheel and sweeping Caleb, bike and all beneath the car, it seemed that was just the start.
And then we had all the drama with Georgia and her first romance! Cal was not happy she had a boyfriend — well; he wasn’t really a boyfriend, was he? But she’d discovered what boys were for, and Cal was not happy his baby girl was growing up. She’d just started junior high, and she’d picked up a love of bloody and dangerous contact sports. Cal was the one who took her to watch women’s ice hockey. He only had himself to blame.
And there you were, D, fooling around at the beginning of the summer recess, being irresponsible, and making me punish you like I’d never punished you before. I had to ferry you around all summer long because you weren’t responsible enough to own your own car.
And then there was the pool and...you know, I don’t think we slowed down at all that summer.
I’d certainly not given the baby thing much thought. Yes, it had been a few years and I don’t think either of us expected it to take so long for the “accident” to happen. We hadn’t even had a scare. My body was like clockwork, on time, every month without fail. Before the summer recess, it had been all I’d thought about. After all, our parents had problems.
I’d gone passed the big three-zero and that was when it stopped working for Mom. Of course, I said none of this to Cal. He’d think I was nuts.
He’d said nothing about any further “accidents” since the day in the truck stop. So it wasn’t like we were actually trying for a baby but I’d find myself hovering over the home tests at the drug store and talking myself out of buying them, because I had no reason to suspect I was pregnant. Or, I’d realize I’d ended up wandering into the newborn section of the department store. Maybe I was nuts? Maybe my internal clock had gone into biological meltdown?
I just brushed it aside. I told myself I was on the pill for a really long time, so I needed to give Mother Nature time to work her magic. But how long does it take? How long did I wait? When did I tell Cal I thought we might have a problem? Oh... I just didn’t know! What I did know was I didn’t like being suspended in the air above ‘maybe’!
The weekend before you all went back to school; you and your friends were taking advantage of the pool. The house was overrun but you were big enough to fend for yourselves. You helped yourself to whatever you wanted and you only needed me if there was an emergency. The only place I could find peace from all the noise you were making was in Cal’s study.
I wasn’t really concentrating on the classic novel I’d fished off the shelf while Cal looked over the work he’d brought home. He was in a foul mood. He’d been at one of our friends’ bachelor parties the night before and had a bit of a sore head. He’d already slammed the windows and doors to shut out the noise. The dark office was humid and hot and he seemed really irritable.
He tossed his pen across the desk then his fist slammed against the wood as he shot to his feet. He grumbled under his breath about the noise, that he needed aspirin, and then stormed out of the room. I tried not to smile. Aspirin, air, and a good long drink of cool water would do him good.
But he was back a few minutes later. The door slammed again, shelves rattled, and a couple of books fell down in his wake. A round disc of half used birth control tables landed on the center of the page I was reading as he demanded, "What the hell are these?"
I'd forgotten to take them back to the drugstore when I stopped taking them. They were expired. I looked into those furious orange eyes and I knew it wasn't going to cut it here. I tried to point out the expiration date but he cut me off before the words left my lips.
"I don't believe you've been deceiving me for nearly two years!"
Why would he assume that? I glanced back at the pack and saw why he wouldn't believe me. Eleven of the twenty-one tablets still remained. The next due day burned into my eyes. Of all the days it was Sunday. Of all the days Cal had to find them, it had to be seventeen days since the start of my last cycle and on a Saturday, didn't it? Fate had screwed me over!
"Mom had me at twenty–eight, Cal, and there was a reason she couldn’t get pregnant after me." I don’t know where this came from. I don’t know why I said it. I hadn’t even thought about this for months. But all of a sudden it mattered again. What if I couldn’t get pregnant?
"There's nothing wrong with you except you're a lying, deceiving bitch."
That one hit me right in the gut. It actually took my breath away. He was angry, and to be honest, I couldn’t blame him. If I was in his shoes, I’d have been angry too. But... wow... I blinked back at the tears building at the back of my eyes. How could he? Didn't he realize how much it hurt?