Authors: Erin Cawood
I missed so much with Georgia. It’s all just one really long blur. The day Cal told her the story of the first time she walked; I sat listening like I was hearing it for the first time. The pictures were there in my memory but it’s as though my brain says, ‘No, that’s not from a good time. You don’t want to remember that.’ So I heard it from Cal’s point of view. His joy, his excitement, his pride, and I … well, I’m jealous. All I feel is numb.
So the first time Caleb clapped his hands was something special to me, and the first time he crawled was pretty awesome, too. But it was the night we were having dinner and I’d left the table to get his dessert that will forever have a treasured place in my heart. He said as clear as day: “Ma-ma.”
I dropped the plastic bowl I carried. I guess I should have been relieved it was just mashed banana. “What did he just say?”
We were having dinner with Robert, Gina, and Izzy. They were in agreement with what I thought I’d heard. But Cal tried to tell me Caleb was always making that sound and he hadn’t really said anything.
“Cal, he said ‘Ma-ma’.” Robert stuck to his guns.
Cal stiffened. “You don’t run my family and you don’t run my company.”
“Boys, please.” I stepped towards the table. “If Caleb said it, he’ll say it again. It’s not worth an argument.”
Not long after this, Gina and Izzy went to live with Gina’s parents. Gina and Robert had been having problems for a while. She couldn’t understand Robert’s obsession with Cal. To be honest, neither could I. But you were devastated when your best friend moved away. Gina and I tried to keep your friendship alive. For a year, we met up whenever we could. But weekly trips were cancelled for one reason or another, and then two weeks drifted into a month. Suddenly, you both had new friends and were too busy to go beyond writing letters.
The practice flourished under Cal's management. It grew so much they took on new psychiatrists and moved into larger premises. On weekends, we'd take day trips to places fun for families. Those too polite to ask assumed you were Cal's from another relationship; those who weren’t as polite looked upon us with sympathy and admiration. On some evenings, Cal and I would hire a sitter and go out, just the two of us.
Everything was perfect in our family home until Christmas of ‘82. You were just turning ten. Georgia was three and Caleb was one. As you know, Christmas is a difficult time for Cal — business is booming and his schedule is crammed. Isn't it sad so many people have problems at such a joyous time?
You may not remember everything changed this particular Christmas. For many years, we stopped celebrating. Well, not entirely, but we stopped decorating the tree. There were no trimmings or mistletoe and heaven forbid, there certainly wasn't a wreath on the door!
This particular Christmas, carols were playing and you were all extra-excited that Santa Claus was coming. Maybe you had doubts if he was real. You were at the age of myth-busting rumors but you weren't telling me if you had heard any. When Cal came home early from the office, later than planned, but early nonetheless, the three of you pounced like cubs on a lion. He shook you off with a roar. He was in a foul mood.
By the time I'd settled Georgia and Caleb, it was time for dinner. As I placed the plate down in front of him, I smelled the odd combination of cigarette smoke, alcohol, and rain. "Where have you been this afternoon?"
"None of your business."
Any question I asked was greeted with the same short, snappish reply. Any attempt at getting his attention by one of you children was shouted at or ignored. It was early, but it wasn't too early to put Caleb and Georgia down for the night. Even you took yourself off out of harm's way and into your room.
It took a couple of hours to bathe the children and put on their pajamas, read them a bedtime story, read them another bedtime story, and then eventually slip a sleeping bundle into Caleb's own bedroom. But when I returned downstairs, Cal demanded I wake them up.
"I will not."
"I haven't seen them all day."
"You made it perfectly clear you didn't want to see them." I didn't like this. The last time we raised our voices to one another was the night we fought over you. He barely spoke to me for six months after it. "You were supposed to come home at one, but you rolled in at four, stinking like a bar. You screamed at the children when they ran to greet you. You ignored them throughout dinner. Now, where did you leave the car?" He blinked at me like I’d spoken a foreign language. "Cal, where is your car? I need to collect it before it’s towed."
"It's in the driveway."
"You’ve been drinking and you drove home? Do you realize how many people die every year in accidents cause by DUIs?"
"Yes."
"How could you be so irresponsible?"
"Get off my case, woman."
Woman? "Calvin, you have a family to support. What would we do without you?"
"That's all I am to you, isn't it?" He laughed. It was a sardonic snort, which cut deeper than anything he could have said. I’m sure my reaction told him this but it didn’t stop him. "I’m a meal ticket. You trapped me into this sham of a marriage by getting knocked up. You quit your job and you never went back. Instead, you dumped all of your responsibilities on my shoulders, and you live like a queen while I slave like a dog. Well, guess what, Faith?" He tossed the papers he'd been looking at into the air as he whipped around with his arms out wide. "I'm not your slave!"
Rough knuckles connected with cheekbone. Pain receptors sounded alarms all over my face. Tears prickled in my eyes but somehow the message wasn't reaching my brain.
My husband wouldn't hit me!
Chapter Ten
Cal was as white as one of the sheets of paper still floating in the air. He was probably more stunned than I was. I couldn’t quite fathom what had just happened. He turned. I stepped. But how did his hand end up on my face? This just wasn’t possible. He just wouldn’t do that!
"Oh, God." The words gushed out on the air he breathed. No voice attached to them. "Faith, I'm sorry." Tears filled his eyes. "Faith, please...” He stepped forward, his hands hesitant as he reached for me. “Say something."
I stared. I tried to see the man in front of me as my husband, but he was someone completely alien to me. I searched his expression, but there was nothing to quiet any of the alarms screaming inside my head. Calvin wouldn’t do this to me. "Why?” a shocked whisper asked, and I wasn’t even sure it was my voice.
He breathed a name as if it would heal everything, but it didn’t. It only made it worse, and I stepped away. He’d just belted me in the face because of his dead wife? This excuse was getting tired. Four years! Four years of marriage and he was still throwing this at me? Hell no! He was not! "We're done."
"You make a big fuss of Christmas right from December first. It's like you're rubbing it in my face."
I walked away. "She wouldn't begrudge you for moving on with your life. But I'm not going to begrudge them both for dying, which I will if we stay married."
"Faith." Those big hands wrapped around my wrist. He forced me to turn back, and I toppled into his strong arms. "You promised you'd never walk away from me."
"They're like poison." He flinched. "I'm sorry, it's an awful thing to say, but you never talk about them. You bottle it up and it's toxic to our marriage. This is the result, and it will only get worse, Cal."
"No, I'll never —" Calvin his eyes dropped away from mine. "Please forgive me." He clung to me like he expected the moment he let me go I'd run for the hills. He was right. I didn’t care if it was Christmas Eve, the second he let me go, the kids and I were gone. "It's not Emma, it's..." His grip tightened as his eyes closed. "It's Evan."
It was the first time I'd heard his name. Until that moment I didn't know the baby had a name. In fact, thinking about it... I didn't even know he was a boy.
"He was ten weeks premature and in the special care unit for twenty-four days." Oh ... oh God... he had two funerals in one month? His wife's and then his son's? I think my heart broke for him all over again in that moment. "He died six years ago today, Fay."
I felt terrible. Why hadn’t I worked out the math before? I knew Emma died eighteen months before we were married, and that would have been December ’76. So of course Christmas was hard for him. How insensitive had I been all these years, making a big deal out of the holiday season when it tortured him so?
“Why didn’t you say something?” I whispered as I folded my arms around him. “Anything.” Tears filled my eyes. I’d caused him so much pain. “I’m so sorry, Cal.”
“Shush.” His hand stroked the back of my hair as he held me. “I didn’t say anything because you love Christmas and it’s magical for the children because of all the effort you make. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“Don’t be silly.” I lifted my eyes to meet his. “It was an accident.”
“Does it hurt?” Yes. Suddenly, my cheek was smarting like I’d been in the ring with the world heavyweight champion. I shook my head. “It looks like it could do with some ice or something.”
“I’ll live,” I said.
“Maybe I should kiss it better?” He asked with a mischievous twinkle in his eye but I don’t think he quite believed his luck when I wholeheartedly agreed.
So, there was no more annual tree buying on the first of December. In the ensuing years, an artificial one was stored away until Santa Claus came and with him came the trimmings and the mistletoe. It was always a delight to behold your faces when you three came downstairs on Christmas morning, year upon year, until you were too old to believe in the magic of old St. Nick.
Christmas Day was crazy that year. Georgia was up at the crack of dawn and squealing that Santa had visited. Caleb didn’t fully understand the holidays yet but he was buzzing from all his new toys. You were overjoyed when Robert brought Izzy to see you as an extra surprise we’d arranged for you both. Even though you’d drifted further apart, you were really annoyed when you found her gift under the tree. I had to tell you then they were coming for dinner. I think, despite the new bike and all the other gifts, it was Izzy who made your Christmas.
While Cal put Caleb and Georgia to bed, and you and Izzy played in your room, Robert helped me with the dishes. He glanced at my bruise with a lot of concern and made a face I didn’t like. It was the one with scrunched together brows and a crinkled nose while he twisted his lips to avoid saying what was really on his mind.
“It was an accident,” I told him. “He didn’t know I was behind him.”
“They all say that, Faith.”
“Look, he spun around as I stepped towards him. He was more shocked than me.”
“Why don't you see him for what he really is?” I lifted my brow as I waited. “He’s an abusive husband.”
“Don't be ridiculous!”
“He belittles you, makes you feel like crap, controls all the money in this house, he wants to know your schedule —”
“You know what, Robert?” I cut him off and threw the dish towel at him. I’d never spoken like that to an elder. Mom and Dad had taught me better. “Calvin is my husband and that isn't going to change any time soon. So you're going to have to accept it, or you’ll force me to...”
He looked at me as he put the dish towel to the side. “What Faith? What will Calvin make you do?”
“Robert,
you
will force me to choose sides.”
You know, Robert heeded my warning. He never said another bad thing about Cal for years.
Chapter Eleven
August 1987
Again time seemed to fly in the blink of an eye, and suddenly we were at the school gates with you again. But this time you were really not happy at our proximity and we were ruining your ‘street-cred’. So Cal gave you a handful of change and told you to stay out of trouble. Ha! Wishful thinking, I guess.
We left you and walked on towards Georgia’s momentous big day. I couldn’t believe elementary school was here already. You should have seen them, D. Oh God; I’m welling up at the thought of it. He just couldn’t let her go. She was so frightened, because it was all very new and she didn’t know anyone but Cal promised his baby girl she’d have a great time and he’d be there when school let out. Do you know what? He was.
It was the year Robert and Cal finally came to blows but it wasn’t bloody or messy. You see, after years apart, Gina and Izzy had moved back home, so Robert wasn’t risking that either. When he came to bring Georgia’s birthday present in the middle of the day, I knew something was wrong. Uncle Robert and Izzy never missed any of the children’s parties until the year you went to junior high, remember?
“He’s fired me.” The words didn’t really sink in. “Well, he’s fired my firm. Cal’s found someone else to represent McKenzie Medical.”
“He’s done what?” Do you know, we just couldn’t seem to get through one Valentine’s Day without World War III erupting between Cal and me? This year would be no different. How could he? Robert helped Dad set up the clinic. He’d been there right from day one. “He can’t do this to you, Robert. I’ll talk to him.”
“No, no. Don’t you go getting yourself involved.” He gave me a weak smile. “This is for the best, Fay. Calvin and I have never been able to agree.”
“But you’ve represented the Hawthorne family forever.”
“And I will continue to do so.” He kissed me on the cheek. “You know where to find me, Faith.”
I did know where to find him but it always felt like a betrayal to Cal when I thought to give them a call. It seemed like the battle lines had been drawn, and I’d happened to fall on one side. Izzy went to a different school than you, so I didn’t even have that excuse. So they stayed silent and we lost touch with them, even though they were Mom and Dad’s dearest and closest friends.
You know, I never thought I’d be lonely; not in a life as full and as busy as mine. But the day I dropped Caleb off for his first day at school, I’d never been so at a loss at what to do.