Authors: Erin Cawood
I would have happily stayed in that moment all night, except Cate’s panicked howl sliced through the wow as she cried, "Mommy!"
She hasn’t called me Mommy for about twelve months. She looked terrified. I think she thought he was hurting me. I just said everyone had enough excitement for one night and we left. D, what if she hasn’t forgotten?
Chapter Forty-Three
Date: 01/01/2003 09:32:00 AM
Subject: Happy New Year!
Happy New Year, D! I hope you have health and happiness, and maybe some wedding bells? You know she’s not going to wait forever. Come on! I want nieces and nephews!
Did you have a nice Christmas? Thank you for the gifts. Zoe loved her dressing up box and costumes — they’re amazing and so life-like, you really shouldn’t have spent so much money. She’s going to grow out of them very quickly! Cate loves her star. She looks up at the sky every night. She hasn’t stopped singing to those music tracks you bought her either. I love my locket, too! How thoughtful of you, D! To get me a picture of Mom and Dad, and the one of you three taken the summer we had the pool built. I’ll never take it off, you know?
John insisted we see what a family Christmas is really like. He’s got a big family and they all live in Hawthorne Creek. John’s from a long line of Dixon men to be town sheriff but his dad was in a serious car accident after he was born and was never sheriff, and John quit being sheriff after Social Services called and said he had a daughter with no mom. So Drew, John’s younger brother, picked up a lot of the pressure and the pride of the Dixon family as Hawthorne Creek’s current sheriff. There’s ten years between John and his younger brother, Drew, and another two between Drew and their baby sister, Vicki.
I met Drew when my car was stolen. He comes into the diner a lot for coffee or lunch, when he is looking for a life away from the station house and being sheriff. He’s married with three kids, all a couple of years older than Cate. Vicki’s also married with three kids. Her eldest is Zoe’s age.
Do you know John has grandparents who are still alive? They’re ninety-something. Isn’t that amazing? I don’t know what grandparents are like, so watching both his parents and his grandparents with their children’s, children’s, children is a new experience for me. Yes, four generations of the Dixon family all congregate together frequently.
John insisted we stay at his parents’ house on Christmas Eve, because the part where the kids discover Santa’s visited makes his day. I bet you didn’t think you’d find someone who loved Christmas more than me, did you? You should have seen him when he helped us trim our tree. Well, him, and the three girls... it was a delight! The best December second I’ve had. Ever.
The house was manic with ten adults, nine children... an announcement there’s another on the way... don’t look at me, we’ve not got that far yet. And even when they were supposed to be in bed, the children were snickering under the covers.
Eventually, they went to sleep, and suddenly the house was a hive of activity. Presents were coming out of every nook and cranny, from everyone’s cars, and you couldn’t move in the living room for the carpet of foil wrapped boxes. I knew we had a lot of gifts when you were little, but ours was nothing in comparison to this!
And you know John was right. Having six children scream, “Santa Claus was here!” does kick start the Christmas rush like nothing else. There were hours of handing out gifts, tearing of glittering papers, and listening to surprised gasps and shrieks. John bought me a gold watch with two small diamonds in the hands and it really caught me by surprise.
How many times had Cal tossed something equally if not more expensive at me, just because he felt like it? But this, John had thought about it. He’d gone with something simple, understated and yet elegant. When I kissed him to say thank you, he told me he’d had a choice of three and he wasn’t sure until the moment he’d seen your locket, and knew he’d bought the right one.
The day didn’t get any less hectic, but you know something, it was fabulous, D. I loved every minute. I’m so happy John shared his family Christmas with us. It was just me and the girls last year, and the year before, and the year before that Cal was... well, they’ve been quiet for the last couple of years, and I do love Christmas.
The girls and I went home on Christmas night. You know, I think John thought he’d done something wrong, because he turned up at eleven o’clock looking really worried.
“Where’s Lisa?” I said.
Of course, that would be the first thing out of my mouth. He’s a single parent. Her mom had postpartum depression and committed suicide. He didn’t even know about the baby until Child Services called.
“She’s with my mom,” he said quietly. He hovered on the stoop. Although he’d been working in the house for months, and visited here when he wasn’t doing the repairs, he never comes in without being invited. Not since he went to kiss me and I froze.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Well…” His brows furrowed towards his blue eyes. “You were spending Christmas with us, and then you left.”
“Christmas is for family, John.”
“You were with family, Kimmi.”
No, I wasn’t.
I looked down. There is still so much he doesn’t know, and it’s getting harder to keep the important things in my life secret from him. Like Georgia and Caleb, and how much I really miss them. So I told him what I could. “It’s hard being away from D at Christmas, John. You know? Our parents died when he was six, so I did all that with him.”
“Oh, Kimmi.” For the first time in seven weeks, he crossed the threshold without being invited. He pulled me into his arms and gave me one of those bear like hugs as he kissed the top of my head. “You should have told me.”
“I... I didn’t want to spoil anyone’s Christmas,” I said. “You were all having such a good time, and the longer I was there, the more it felt like he was missing. So we came home and I wrote him a letter and I don’t miss him as much.” Carol was right, writing to you is cathartic.
“Oh.” John smiled at me. There was a naughty glimmer in his eyes. “So, I’ll just go home then, shall I?”
I knew, I knew when I opened the door he wasn’t going home, and it’s not like he hasn’t slept over before, because he has. Lisa sleeps in Zoe’s room and he stays on the couch. But that wasn’t what he meant tonight.
“No.” My voice was barely above a whisper. I was so nervous. I’ve only ever slept with one man in my life. “I wouldn’t want you to catch a cold sleeping in that big bed all alone.”
What was it about John that drew out my ability to flirt with him? To be downright promiscuous? I’d have never said anything like that to Cal, not on purpose. There were no mistakes about it, I’d just invited John into my bed, and he got the message loud and clear.
He lips latched on to mine and that’s where they stayed, right until he lay me down beneath him. Everything was going fine until his lips touched my throat and his hand ran along my thigh.
“No!”
He
was back.
“Kimmi?”
“Please.” And it was worse than ever before. “Don’t touch me.”
Chapter Forty-Four
Date: 04/04/2003 11:32:00 AM
Subject: How do I tell him the truth?
John and I had our first argument. It’s my fault, again. Maybe a pattern is going to appear. Maybe Cal wasn’t the problem? Maybe it was me all along?
It was Caleb’s birthday, and I was really missing him and Georgia so much, more than I’ve ever missed them before. I haven’t seen them for so long. Caleb’s studying for his pre-med finals, so I understand why he hasn’t replied to my emails, and Georgia never replies. So that particular day, when John wanted to know why I was distant, I couldn’t explain
why
. I really didn’t want him around. It’s been over six months since Halloween, D, and I want to tell John, really I do. I don’t want to lie to him anymore....but I... I can’t.
I can’t move forward. Cal’s in my head all the time. He’s telling me no one will ever love me except him. God only gives me what I deserve, and I deserve this. I deserve Cal and that’s why I married him. I should run back to him, because John and I aren’t meant to be together. I’m married to Cal forever, ‘til death do us part. John can only hurt me.
Haven’t I already been alarmed by the size of his hands? Haven’t I already noticed the strength in his arms and shoulders? Don’t I already know he’s a part-time cop? Isn’t he specially trained to take down a perpetrator? What happens when he learns I’ve lied to him? My kids told him lies? He knows how to hurt me. It is what I deserve. No man deserves to put up with my drama for months and not get anything for it.
If he doesn’t physically hurt me then he will break my heart. No one can love me when I can’t get anything right. I can’t even get this right. I can’t even get the basic instinct of sex right anymore. I should go back to Cal. He loves me. I know he loves me.
“You know, if you don’t snap out of it,” John said, “I’m gonna go.”
“Then go, because I don’t want you here.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake. What the hell is wrong with you?!”
I gasped... waiting for him to hit me. The first blow is always the worst. I never know where it’s going to land. No matter how much I prepare for it, the pain always takes my breath away.
I just looked at John and I shook my head. I prayed he couldn’t see I was trembling. “Nothing.”
“We need to talk.”
Those words exploded like an atomic bomb. My entire body began to shake, and I could barely breathe.
“What the...?”
Why did he have to say that?
“Kimmi, you’ve gone as white as a ghost. What is it?”
“John,” I whispered, “please leave.”
What was I thinking? How had Cal managed to do this? How could he still be in my head? It’s been three and half years since I left him and three since he had his hands around my throat. I tell myself John would never do that to me. Cal never had that panic in his eyes. But what am I supposed to do? Tell him I’ve lied to him since we’ve met? That my children are lying to him too?
He left, and we haven’t really recovered from it. He’s walking on eggshells and so am I. I keep waiting for the explosion. You know, the one where his temper thumps the table and tells me I’m next? But I don’t know why I’m trying really hard not to step out of line.
It’s ingrained in my nature when the tension’s this thick… not to do anything to piss him off, and then he just might not hit me. He wouldn’t but that voice inside my head is asking, wouldn’t he?
When John says my name, I know where this is going. We’ve had intimacy issues ever since Christmas Day because I can’t get those damn pictures out of my head.
I said no that Valentine’s Day, D, and Cal stopped. If I hadn’t pushed him so hard, Cal wouldn’t have been angry and he wouldn’t have done what he did. I was cold and callous because it was the only way I could voice what I thought he was ready to hear. And he needed to hear how forceful he’d truly been in the bedroom in the past if I was to fully trust him again.
I believed in him. I believed he was trying really hard every day to be the husband and father I wanted him to be. I ignored the warning signs because everyone has their rocky moments, don’t they? And I knew he wasn’t going to change overnight. I wanted so much for it to be true because I loved him, and he’s a good man and a wonderful father. Don’t you see, Darryl? It was my fault. I knew it was too good to be true from the start.
Now I can’t forget what it felt like when he touched me that night. He looked at me not with love, lust, hunger, or even desire. His eyes were full of pure malice, revenge. And when he was done, he asked me if I had fun...
My skin crawls every time John tries to be intimate because… well, Cal’s there. He’s in my head and he’s reminding me of what it was like the last time. And this time with John, how can I trust him not do the same thing?
“Kimmi, will you talk to me?” John pleads. He wants to know why I’m hesitant. He’s becoming frustrated because I just can’t explain and he’s telling me if I’m not interested then he’d like to know. What do I tell him, really?
Then, yesterday, we got in a proper fight. I’ve never argued with anyone in front of the girls, so this was new territory for us. He shouted at me as I cleared away the dishes and, of course, he terrified me. I dropped them in the sink, they shattered. I didn’t care. I was already making a beeline for the nearest exit, which has become my favorite response. If I’m not there he can’t hurt me.
But he wrapped his hand around my wrist to stop me. I’ve never been so frightened in my life. It’s exactly what Cal would do, and John’s hands are so damn big, much bigger than Cal’s.
“I’ve had goddamn enough of this, Kim,” he growled through his teeth. “Tell me what’s going on.”
She burst out of nowhere, D. She was screaming at the top of her lungs. “Get off my mommy!” Suddenly she was between us. She was kicking and punching and pushing at John. “Don’t you dare hurt my mommy!”
“Whoa.” John’s hand dropped mine and he stepped back, his jaw slack and his eyes wide as he looked from Cate to me. “What the devil?”
Cate continued her fierce defense, but she was crying, and I knew I’d made a huge mistake. I shouldn’t have lied to her. I shouldn’t have pretended it never happened. I hadn’t protected her from it at all.
"Caitlyn, baby," I soothed, crouching beside her. "Cate, stop." I tried to turn her but she even fought against me. "Kitty-Cat." I wrapped my arms around her. “Mommy's alright.” Then she collapsed and sobbed into my shoulder. "John would never hurt me."
“You said that about Dad and you were lying. I remember.”
I couldn’t look at him. This wasn’t how I imagined he’d find out. What must have been running through his mind? But my priority was right there in my arms. I screwed up my baby’s head with all of my running. I’d done this to her. This was my fault!
“I’m so sorry, Caitlyn. I hoped you’d forget. I got you and Zoe out of there the very next day. I knew we weren’t safe anymore. I’d never put you or Zoe somewhere you weren’t safe again.”