Take a Gamble (12 page)

ROE

It feels the same, every
year. I’m not sure why I’m even going back this summer. She hasn’t been there yet and I’m sure she won’t be there now. I have to know for sure, though.

I had planned on skipping my trip this summer. Three years of spending my birthday, alone
, in Myrtle Beach, has taken its toll on me. Nevertheless, I’m going this year, only not for my birthday. Erica planned a surprise party for me last weekend so I’m getting a later start than I wanted.

Honestly, I wanted to take that as a sign to cancel the entire trip, but I couldn’t
bring myself to do it. The family who was renting the house this week switched with me instead. They were all for it when they realized they would be there over the fourth and that I was going to let them stay a few extra days, on my dime.

I don’t really care about the money.
All I care about is finding her. She let me go a long time ago, but I’ve never let her go. She’s all I think about, the only one I dream about and the only one I want. I feel bad for dating Erica but I’ve been honest with her from the beginning. She knows my heart belongs to someone else.

I’m pretty sure she’s
only into me for my money and the sex. She made that apparent the first few weeks we were dating, even before I told her about Mac. I didn’t want to tell her. I never planned to tell her. I didn’t have a choice after screaming out Mac’s name during sex.

That was a bad night for me.
I drank way too much, called Erica over for a tumble in the sheets, and woke up to her trashing my room. Needless to say, I didn’t remember calling her Mac. I barely remembered inviting her over.

After telling her the whole story, beginning to end, she claimed to understand.
It’s been different between us since then, but I have needs and she’s there. I’m an asshat. I know it, but until I find her, there’s no reason to stop living. Mac would be pissed at me if she found out that I let my heartache keep me from moving forward.

My phone rings as I’m about to board so I step out of line.
I’m expecting Erica, or my mom, but I’m not expecting her to be calling me. I should be, it’s her early call, but I’m still caught off guard.

“Hey.”

“Hey yourself. Did you find her yet? Is she there? Are you two back together?”

Leave it to Alexa to ask me twenty questions without taking a breath.
I’m used to her now, thankful for her friendship. She kept in touch with me when Mac wouldn’t take my calls. She kept me posted on her prognosis and her progress. She was my lifeline for that first year. I couldn’t have made it through without her keeping me updated on how Mac was doing.

Of course, Mac doesn’t know about it.
She would be livid with Alexa and probably with me as well. I would never tell Mac about our “secret relationship,” as Alexa likes to call it. She says it makes it sound more 007-ish. She’s a weird person but I love her to death.

“Hey.
You there?”

“Yeah.
I’m about to board my plane so the answer to all of your questions is no.”

“What?
I thought you were going last week some time. What happened?”

“Erica happened.
She decided to throw me a surprise birthday party. It didn’t end up being a surprise once I told her about my trip, obviously. I changed my dates but I’m still going. I’m not sure why, though. She hasn’t been there so far.”

“I know she goes.
I can’t prove it but I know she does. You have to keep going. You are bound to find her. You have to. You two are meant to be together, I know it. I’ve always known it.”

“I’ve always known it
, too.” I hear the final boarding call announced over the speaker. “Look, I have to board. You will be the first person I call if I find her. Deal?”

“You better.
Talk to you soon.”

I hang up, shove my phone in my pocket and get back in line.
I contemplate going home for about three seconds before my skin starts to tingle with anticipation. I look around, expecting to see Mac somewhere, but I don’t. I hand my ticket over and walk down the ramp to the plane, knowing that I won’t find her.

The house looks
exactly like
it did last summer, and the summer before. It will need a fresh coat of paint by next summer and I’m sure the back deck will need to be stained. Otherwise, it’s just as I remember it looking. Lonely.

I drop my bag in the foyer and immediately walk through the house and out the back door.
It’s the first thing I do every summer. I walk down to the beach and dip my toes in the water while I stare at the house next door. The house where Mac should be, but I know she’s not.

I watch as the sun sets over the horizon, my feet still being battered by the surf.
I close my eyes and let the memories come rushing back. Every kiss. Every touch. Everything. If it involved Mac, I let myself remember because after this trip, I am going to try and move on.

I was doing it for Mac.
She would want me to move on, even if that meant doing it without her. It’s not what I want. I want her. I want to find her. To spend the rest of my life with her. If I do, find her that is, I don’t plan on ever letting her go again. I don’t care what she says this time.

I wait for the sun to be down completely before I grab a fresh shirt and walk t
owards the pier. I need a pick-me-up and the one thing which always makes me smile is that damn hot dog vendor. I haven’t been able to find one that compares. Maybe it was the company that I kept back then? I doubt it’s the hot dogs themselves.

“Hey, young man.
Where were you this afternoon?”

“I’m sorry.
I just got into town. You must have me confused with someone else.”

“No.
I’m pretty sure I know who you are. You’ve been coming here every summer for as long as I can remember and you always stop for a dog.”

“Well, yeah.”
I’m confused. What does that have to do with where I was this afternoon?

“Well, you
r girlfriend was here earlier. I haven’t seen her in a while. My son helps me run the cart now. I would be able to pick her out of a crowd, though. I remember that first summer you two were together. I could see how much you loved her.”

Mac.
He has to be talking about Mac. I’ve never brought any other girl here, besides Sara, and I’m pretty sure he’s not referring to her.

“Today?
She was here today?”

“Yeah.
About eleven this morning.” Now he looks confused. “Did you not come here together?”

“No.” I say
, handing him money for the hot dog and a little extra for the information. “I came here looking for her.”

I take off down the beach at full speed.
The toppings of my hot dog are falling all over my hand but I don’t care. Mac is here. She’s really here. I have to get to her.

I make it back to the house in record time.
My entire arm and the right side of my shirt are covered in ketchup and relish but I don’t care. All I care about is seeing Mac again. That’s all I care about, but as I stare up at the dark house next door, I realize I won’t be seeing her tonight.

Damn it!

If she’s home, I could knock on the door and wait for her to answer. If she’s not, I could be waiting a while. I’ve already been waiting four years. I can wait a little longer. I can wait until tomorrow. I don’t want to, but for Mac I will wait as long as I need to.

Sleep eludes me.
The only thing I can focus on is Mac. I get up at least ten times and look out the window at the house next door. I have yet to see a light turn on. It’s been dark since I got back from the pier. Maybe she was already in bed?

By the time morning rolls around, I’m grouchy and all hope that I was holding onto last night is gone.
I make my way down to the beach and around the shed. I slowly walk up the steps of the patio and approach the back door. I cover my eyes and peer inside. It’s still dark, even with the curtains open. I don’t see any signs of anyone living there.

I try the door and find it open.
I know I shouldn’t, but I go inside anyway. I’ve been in here many times before but something feels different this time. I follow the stairs up to the room that I know Mac slept in, the room she fell in love with that summer. The door is open and when I step inside, I feel like I’m being bombarded.

I remember making out on her bed.
How soft her lips were. The curve of her back, the swell of her breasts. The last time I was here she had just stepped out of the shower. The smell of her shampoo is assaulting my sense right now. Why can I still smell her?

It’s obvious that she was here.
I know it deep down, but she’s not anymore. She’s gone. I missed her. If I had come when I had planned to maybe I would have found her this time. But that’s all I have. Maybe. Not a sure thing.

That’s it.
I can’t do this to myself anymore. I can’t handle the ups, the downs, the in-between. I have to get my life back. I
need
to get my life back. I know exactly how to do that. Starting right now.

ROE

For two weeks I dream
of Roe. Nothing like the dream I had on the plane. Nothing which felt that real, even though the things I dreamt about really did happen. The first time we met. Our first date. The night my dad caught us making out on the beach. Our trip to Chicago. The day I walked away from him.

That was a recurring dream, unfortunately.
It came about every other night. Remembering the look on his face, the way his body felt against mine as he tried to hold on to me, to us. Thinking about it now, I’m almost in tears.

Thankfully, those dreams never came when I stayed the night at Wes’ place.
I’m not sure I would be able to explain it to him, why I wake up crying and hyperventilating. I can barely explain it to myself. Why now? I’ve had dreams of Roe over the years, but nothing as routine as right now.

It has to be because I’m about to get married.
I can’t come up with a better reason. It has to be the pressure of planning the wedding. It makes everything final. I was really, truly, moving on in my life. I’m supposed to be okay with this. This is supposed to be what I want. I know it’s what I need but I’m still not convinced it’s what I want.

Alexa thinks I’m rushing into marrying Wes.
She has no idea. I know she doesn’t like him but she hasn’t liked any of the guys I’ve dated since Roe. Or before him, for that matter. Roe has been the only one she has approved of. She was pissed at me when I came home from Myrtle Beach that summer when I had followed through with my plan of breaking up with Roe. She didn’t talk to me for almost a week. Then we found out the cancer was back and she let it go.

Alexa is going to be here tomorrow to help
me finish up the details for the wedding. Wes is counting down. I know I should be too, it’s a girl thing, but I’m not. I know it’s coming up in a couple of months, but I don’t know how many days. Wes would know.

Alexa has convinced me to tell Wes about Roe.
I haven’t told him much about my life before meeting him. He doesn’t know I’ve had cancer, twice. He doesn’t know I’ve been in love before, that I’m still in love with same that man, and I always will be. Alexa seems to think I need to tell him
everything
before I promise to love and cherish him for the rest of my life.

She’s probably right.
Just ask her. She’ll tell you she’s right. According to Alexa, she should be in charge of my love life so I don’t screw it up. I think she wants to be in control, she thrives on it. If I wasn’t about to get married, I would probably let her control my love life, even though she’s halfway across the country.

Right now, I need to get back to my fiancé.
He’s waiting for me. I had a minor panic attack while tasting different cakes. I was able to brush it off as too much sugar in my stomach and excuse myself, but I felt it coming on. I knew it would. The second I thought I saw him through the front window of the bakery, I knew a panic attack was inevitable. It happens every time I think I see him.

“Feeling better, hun?” Wes asks, as I sit back down next to him.
He rubs his hand up and down my back, trying to soothe me, but all I do is nod.

No.
I’m not feeling better but we need to pick a cake or else we won’t have one.

“Yeah.
I liked this one the best, I think,” I say, pointing to one which I remember tasted pretty good.

“That one was good.
What about this one?”

He’s pointing to the one that
which came out of my stomach. I swallow back the need to vomit. I want him to be happy yet I don’t want to sit here all day and debate which one tasted best.

“Sure.
That sounds perfect.”

I let Wes place the order, excusing myself from the table to get some fresh air.
What I really want to do is look up and down the sidewalk to see if I can spot him again. If it really was him.

I start walking to the car, not waiting for Wes to come out of the bakery.
I’m looking around, looking for him, when I run directly into someone. I close my eyes, hoping that when I open them, Roe will be standing in front of me. That’s not the case, however.

“Excuse you,” a busty blonde snarls at me, before flipping her hair over her shoulder and continuing past me, down the sidewalk.

I stand there, in shock. Why didn’t I say something, apologize for running into her? At least I could have said a bitchy comment back to her. It’s not like I meant to run into her. It was an accident.

I feel Wes slide up behind me and wrap his arms around my waist.
He has a nice body, a comfortable body. Our bodies almost fit together perfectly. Almost.

“You left without me.
In a rush to get somewhere?”

“No.
I just needed some fresh air.”

“Well, how about we stop for some food on the way back to my place?
Are you hungry?”

“Not really.
I want to head home and take a nap, I think.” Here I go, brushing him off again. He’s going to catch on eventually.

“Alright.
Well, let’s get you home then.”

I pick Alexa up at the airport the next morning.
She’s a ball of energy but I didn’t sleep. I was up all night, thinking about Roe. When I did fall asleep, I dreamt of him. I finally realized I wasn’t going to be able to sleep peacefully around five this morning so I got up, went for a run and grabbed a cup of coffee on my way home.

Hailey was up by the time I got back.
She was waiting for me in the kitchen, a steaming cup of coffee in her hands. I’ve told her bits and pieces about Roe. Not enough for her to really understand, but I like to talk when I’m drunk. Up until last summer, when I came home from Myrtle Beach in tears, I was pretty sure she always thought I was spouting drunken nonsense.

Apparently she was listening.
She made me tell her everything. Then, we ate two pints of ice cream and watched chick flicks for the entire weekend. She’s a great roommate and a wonderful friend.

“You dream
t about him again.” It was more of a statement and less of a question. She must have heard me tossing and turning last night. I hope I didn’t keep her up
all
night.

“Yeah, when I was able to sleep.
I gotta jump in the shower. Don’t forget, Alexa is coming into town today.”

“Yeah!
I can’t wait.” Sarcasm. She gets along with Alexa just fine, but she finds her incessant chatter annoying. Most people do. Roe is the only person I know of who wasn’t bothered by it.

Alexa is waiting for me at the baggage claim.
I’m late. Only a few minutes, but she still beat me. I’m sure she’s expecting me to be late. It wouldn’t be a normal day if I wasn’t late for something. Nothing like being predictable.

“Mac,” she screams and runs towards me.
I have a flashback to the airport in Chicago, Alexa running towards me, Roe holding me upright. I realize a second too late that Roe won’t be behind me to keep me from falling. My ass lands on the floor and Alexa lands on top of me with a grunt.

“Sorry.
I’m just so excited.”

“I know and now my ass knows too.
Help me up.”

Alexa helps me to my feet after getting to hers and we hug.
It really is nice to see her. Even if my butt is going to be sore for the entire time she’s here.

“Let
’s get out of here and get some food. They don’t feed you on the plane anymore. I can’t believe it. It’s ridiculous for the amount of money you pay for a ticket. They should at least give you a free beverage. I forgot to bring cash so all I could have was water. I thought she was going to charge me for that for a second. It’s amazing…”

I let Alexa’s voice fade into the background as I le
ad us to my car. She complains about this every time she comes to visit so the first thing we always do is get food. I’ve found it’s the only way to shut her up. About the lack of food, anyway.

“So, what’s been going on with you? I haven’t talked to you much over the last few weeks.
Wedding planning going okay?”

“Yeah,” I say as the waitress brings over our food.
“Plans are coming along. You and I should be able to put the finishing touches on everything. Then, it’s a waiting game for the actual wedding to roll around.”

“You could sound more excited.
You sound like it’s a chore or something that you are checking off your to-do list. Everything okay between you and Wes?” she asks me. I nod, taking a bite of my sandwich. “Does this have anything to do with…”

She lets her voice fade off and I’m thankful that she doesn’t say his name.
I try not to say his name if I don’t have to. Alexa knows this. It brings the pain back to the surface. Not that the dreams I’ve been having are free of pain, but at least I’m not talking about him.

“No.
I don’t think so.”

“So, you didn’t go to the beach this summer then?”

“I went but I only stayed a few days. I couldn’t handle it. I need to move on and that’s what I’m doing. I know I made the right decision back then, as painful as it was. If we were meant to be together, we would have found each other by now.”

“I know you think that’s true but did you ever think that maybe your paths will never cross?
What then? What if they do cross
after
you marry Wes?”

I think about it for a second.
We may never see each other again or it might happen after I’m married or it might happen tomorrow. I don’t know.

“I guess I’ll deal with it then.”

“What would you say if you saw him? Do you even know?”

“I guess I would start with I’m sorry and go from there.
He’s probably moved on, anyway. It was so long ago. I left him. If anything, he’s probably still pissed at me.”

Alexa mumbles something under her breath but I don’t catch it and I don’t ask.
I’m thankful she’s keeping her opinion to herself on this. As much as I love her, this is hard enough on me without her pushing me to the one person who I can’t be with.

After lunch, we meet up with Wes and Hailey at the beach to relax and hang out. We have a full day of shopping and fittings ahead of us tomorrow.
It’s nice to relax and hang out with my friends.

I lay in the sand, close my eyes and let my body go limp.
I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I remember is Alexa shaking me, telling me to wake up and covering my mouth.

“Are you awake?”
I nod and she removes her hand from my mouth.

“What the hell was that about?”
I grab my water bottle from my bag and unscrew the top. I lift it to my lips and stop as soon as she speaks.

“You were screaming Roe’s name.”

“What?”

“You were calling out for him and it sounded like you were running. You sounded out of breath.
Do you remember your dream?”

I close my eyes and try to focus.
I remember seeing Roe. I’m looking around and he’s the only one there. Where are we? We’re at the…oh, no!

“Yeah.
I remember. Did Wes hear me?”

“No.
He went out to surf a few minutes before you started screaming but he’s on his way back in right now.”

“Thanks, Alexa. I owe you.”

“Damn straight. You owe me an explanation later.”

I know she’s not going to let it go, either.
I see the determination in her eyes. She’s concerned and she’s not going to let this go. I guess if I have to tell someone about the dream, it should be her. After all, she would be my maid of honor if I were to marry Roe. The only reason she’s not this time is because she lives so far away. Hailey is closer and can help me more. It made sense that way.

Oh, and she doesn’t like Wes.
Yeah, that’s a big part of it.