Authors: Katie McGarry
Haley
Matt has a girl draped on his arm. She’s a genuine bikini-wearing, sign-strutting Octagon Bunny from the fights. Blond hair, big breasts and very much a girly-girl. Her laughter fades the moment she spots me.
The three of us eye each other and I hate the seasickness of seeing him with someone else. Once upon a time, regardless of what happened between us at the end, I cared for Matt. I briefly close my eyes and suck in a deep breath. I lost my virginity to him and now he’s
doing
that. I’m consumed with the need to take a hot shower and scrub my skin off.
Because I don’t live under a rock, I’ve heard the rumors of how he’s done it with every girl backward, sideways and forward since we broke up. Matt terrifies me and I hate him, but as she winds her arm tighter around his, nausea causes me to turn away and head to the front of the building. When I’m far enough away, I drop to the curb.
“You broke up with me.” With his hands shoved in his pockets, Matt’s a good six feet away and the Octagon Bunny is nowhere in sight.
“Stay where you are.” Because the thought of him any closer causes my hands to tremble.
I consider standing, but my knees have that weak feeling. I’m in public. If Matt comes near me, I can scream and he’ll walk away. I wrap my arms around my body, to keep myself warm, to keep myself intact. With each rock, I repeat the mantra: I’m safe.
Matt sinks to his portion of the curb, maintaining the make-believe restraining order. “I saw the pain on your face when you looked at her. I don’t like hurting you.”
My mind warps and separates, then crashes together. I bend over as I laugh. It’s manic and maddening and I try to shove the hysterical giggles back in as I slap a hand over my mouth, but they won’t stop. I shed blood because of him. I lost my family over him. He has done more than hurt me; he’s destroyed me.
The laughter runs dry and I’m suddenly overwhelmed with the need to cry. “She doesn’t bother me.”
It’s the truth. The nausea—it’s not from seeing him with her. It’s from hating myself. How could I ever have loved somebody like him? How could I have given him something as sacred as my virginity?
“She bothered you,” he insists. “I fucked up with us. I know it and I’m sorry. If you give us another chance, I swear, I’ll be different.”
I shake my head before he finishes. “I’m with West.” Even if it is pretend or not pretend or this strange middle ground purgatory, I’m with him and I’ve never spoken sweeter words.
There’s silence between us and two cars drive by.
“Your story isn’t panning out, Haley. If it was true, then someone would have seen West leave the store and go after Conner that night, or would have known that you and West were a couple. I’ve asked around. No one knows him except for a small-time weed dealer. Dating a pothead isn’t your style. You need to end this lie and stop protecting Jax and Kaden.”
The muscles in the back of my neck tighten. Fabulous—West smokes pot, but to be honest, what do I know about him? We’ve told each other things, in the middle of the night, in a raw moment where lying felt impossible. We admitted truths you don’t say aloud or to other people, but we’ve never actually learned anything about the other.
Maybe that’s why I’m attracted to West. Maybe that’s why I like the game we play. He’s anonymous and so am I. “If I’m lying, then so is your brother. Are you ready to admit Conner is capable of not telling the truth?”
Matt’s head snaps in my direction and I have to fight to keep from scrambling away from him. We’re in public. I’m safe. Please let me be safe.
“Aren’t you tired of arguing over the same old shit?” Matt rubs his anger off his face with the balls of his hands and tries again. “Break up with West and I’ll call this whole thing off. No fight and no going after Jax and Kaden. Consider this a blank slate.”
“I never told them,” I whisper. “About what happened between me and you.”
“I know.” His shoulders roll forward. “Figured you didn’t when they didn’t show at my front door.”
“They would have come after you and you would have retaliated.” And it never would have stopped. They’d go after him and he’d jump them in return. It would have been a bloody, endless cycle. I glance at him, begging him to give me this. To know that all the sacrifices I’ve made haven’t been in vain.
Matt pops his neck to the side. “I am who I am, Haley. I can’t change that.”
A brief moment of justification and I hold on to it tight. I did have a right to be afraid for Kaden and Jax.
I process Matt’s offer and I’m terrified to inhale. This is what I’ve been hoping for. “That’s it? Break up with West and no repercussions? No one jumps West or Jax or Kaden or anyone over what happened with Conner? Bygones are bygones?”
“You’ve got my word.”
I’m almost dizzy. Is it possible one thing is going right in my life? But then a horrid pain slashes through my chest—this means giving up West, walking away from West. Everything within me plummets. Oh, God, I don’t just have feelings for West. I’ve fallen for him.
Matt watches me intently. Too intently. There’s more to this deal—a deal I should accept, but don’t think that I can. “For real, that’s it?”
Matt rests his arms on his knees and joins his hands together. “Come back to me. I liked who I was when I was with you. I liked how you made me feel—like I was somebody worth caring about. If you try and it doesn’t work, then it doesn’t work, but at least try. It’ll be different—I’ll be different—I swear.”
West
I slam THE SUV’s door and stalk to where Haley sits on the curb, but I keep my eyes glued on Matt. There’s a pulsating in my blood that begs for a fight. He’s done something to her. She’s shocked out, pale as a ghost and her fucking hands are trembling.
“Is there a problem here?”
Matt surveys me with boredom from his spot on the curb. “Only if you make something of it. Are you man enough or are you going to continue to hide behind Haley?”
“I’m game.” A smile stretches across my face. “I’ve got the balls, what about you?”
I’ve been dying for this moment since my first day of school. To hell with the fight next month, I’m ready to finish this. I stride past Haley and a tug on my wrist pulls me to a stop. I glance down and she grabs on to me with both hands. “Not here. Not now.”
“Haley,” I say, utterly exasperated and pissed. I’ve never had anyone doubt my strength as much as she has. I’m over her assumption that I’m weak and done with her thinking I don’t care enough to lay down my life for her. “I can take him.”
“This is where I work.” Her fingers shake against my skin and her eyes are hazy, as if waking from a dream. The urge is to kick his ass and it’s hard as hell to listen to what she’s telling me...that I could cost Haley her job.
“Fuck.” I crouch beside her and place my hand on her frozen cheek. Being a selfish bastard, the connection isn’t for her. It’s to keep me from losing control and smashing my fist into that asshole’s face. Jesus, why is she always so damn cold? “Are you okay?”
Haley nods and her eyes automatically dart back to Matt. The bastard stays seated on the other end of the curb and watches us; specifically, he focuses on my hand on her face.
“What’s it like to be pussy whipped?” he asks.
The muscles in my body jerk, but instead of removing his balls with my foot, I slide my thumb against Haley’s skin and kiss her forehead. She sags into me and I kiss her one more time before glaring at Matt.
That’s right, she’s not your property. Haley chooses me.
“Sorry I’m late. You ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I enfold her into the shelter of my body the moment she stands.
“Consider it, Haley,” Matt says as if I’m not here. “I’m not expecting an answer tonight. You and I could save a lot of people from a lot of heartache. It’s your choice.”
“Yes,” she says slowly. “It always seems to be my choice.”
I hate the tilt of her head, the faraway glaze in her eyes, all of it screaming that whatever he said to her has her thinking, analyzing, and I don’t want one word from that bastard circling in Haley’s mind. “Let’s go.”
I guide her to the SUV, tuck Haley safely inside, then join her when I climb into the driver’s side. With the car on, I blast the heater and tear out of the parking lot, craving to put as much distance between Haley and Matt as possible.
With her head lolling against the headrest, Haley stares out the window, looking as lost as I felt after Abby’s “present” to me. Abby’s got to be lying again because Mom’s parents are dead and she has no siblings. Abby’s confession from weeks ago echoes in my brain: Have you ever found out something you wished you hadn’t?
I peek at Haley out of the corner of my eye. I asked her once if she still had feelings for Matt, but I’ve never asked for details on their relationship. In fact, I’ve never asked her about anything and the kick in the nuts is the realization that Haley hasn’t asked anything about me, either.
All this time I thought I had coasted at school and with Haley in regard to my past, but it’s easy to coast when no one gives a shit.
Lights and cars become blurs as I speed down the road and head for the highway. Haley doesn’t seem to notice when we pass the turn for the gym and I fucking hate the sensation that only her body is present because her soul is still at that damn curb.
“What the hell is going on with you?” I ask. “With Matt?”
As usual, she’s silent, choosing to be locked away inside her brain—thinking, analyzing, not sharing, not talking. Haley plots and she plans, but she hardly ever discusses. “Say something!”
“Take a right.”
“What?”
Haley peers toward the oncoming street and her fingers hover near the window like she’s a child frightened to touch a broken piece of glass. “Take a right.”
Muttering a curse under my breath, I hang the right and we enter a neighborhood. My headlights hit one of those signs with a kid chasing a ball informing me to slow my ass down. I do and idle along at twenty-five as I wait for her further instructions.
Most of the homes are two-story brick houses that flaunt amateur landscaping. It’s better than her uncle’s but lower scale than where I live. Overall it’s nice, pleasant and very suburban.
“Stop.” There’s a longing in her voice that pricks at my chest. Haley presses her hand against the window; condensation forms an outline along her fingers. “That’s my house.”
I shift the car into Park. It’s a lot like the others: two stories, a chimney, but this one has a front porch, blue shutters, rosebushes and a for sale sign with the word
sold.
“Mom would force Kaden and me home from the gym because she wanted us to eat dinner together. On Sundays, we’d order pizza and watch a movie in the living room. And that’s my bedroom. The corner one with two windows. There was always a lot of light in my room. I miss that—having a lot of light.”
Having no idea how to steal her pain, I gently stroke her hair one lock at a time
.
Rachel asked if I had a girlfriend—if I was Haley’s boyfriend. If I was, I would know how to make her better. I would have the words or the actions, but I only own silence.
I’ve never felt so much over a girl before. The emotions are unknown and confusing.
“I had a yellow lab,” she says. “She slept in my room and died a little over a year ago. Did you know...” And Haley stops and her breathing hitches. It’s like being slashed open with a knife. “Did you know she’s buried in the backyard?”
“No.” Because I wouldn’t know, but somehow it feels like I should. I think of me and Ethan at ten and nine dressed in our best suits to help Rachel bury her hamster in a shoebox in the backyard. It was my idea to hold the service when Mom was locked in her room, crying over a long-lost daughter, and Dad, once again, was busy with business.
Rachel sobbed and sobbed as Ethan held her. I dug the hole and I repacked the dirt. There is nothing I wouldn’t do for my brother and sister.
“Do you know what I miss the most?” Haley whispers.
“What?” I ask, terrified of her answer.
“The feeling that no matter what happened or what I did, there was someplace safe to fall.” Haley looks at me and my insides wither at the moisture in her eyes. “What’s it like to go home? I fantasized about it and I’m sure you did, too. What was it like?”
I’m in love with you. I’m in love with you and I don’t know how to make you better. I’m in love with you and I shouldn’t be. I’m in love with you and once you figure out who I am, you’re not going to love me. I’m in love with you and I seem to fuck up the ones who love me back.
“Do you want to go there?” Each uttered word is cut against my heart. Once she sees where I live, once she knows I’m a Young, whatever it is going on between us will be done.
Haley nods and as I U-turn it out of her old neighborhood, I lace my fingers with hers. I hold on to her and what kills me and warms me at the exact same time is how desperately she clutches me. Like the two of us are drowning and the only way to stay afloat is to never let go. I’ve got minutes left with Haley and I want the memory of her skin touching mine burned into my brain for eternity.
Haley
My fingers trace the split of my lips as I stare at the sprawling house from the passenger side of West’s SUV. I’m not sure if my fingers are there to keep the words in or to help them out. I think of those sci-fi movies where a character sets his gun to stun. I’m stunned. This—speechless, frozen, numb—this is what being “stunned” feels like.
“There’s a five-car garage around back.” West’s keys clank together as he circles them on his finger. “I can show you that if you’d like or we can head inside.”
My chest moves as I inhale, then exhale. Never would have I imagined that this is where he lives. “It’s a mansion.”
“It is.”
“They threw you out?” Aren’t people with money supposed to be better than...well...everyone? The way his hands clutch his keys tells me how terribly wrong I am.
“Yeah.” A pause. “I’m not like you—I’m not a good person. My dad had valid reasons for throwing me out. In fact, it’s amazing he didn’t throw my ass out sooner.”
West focuses on his lap and I have to force myself out of my stupor. Words. Words would be good right about now. But I don’t know what to say. He lives in a mansion.
But mansion or not, I hate the pain on his face. I bite my bottom lip and reach out to West, just like he reached out to me in the parking lot with Matt a few feet away. I rest my fingers on his shoulder and brush my thumb against the material of his shirt.
When he doesn’t respond, my heart flutters at the thought of becoming bold. My mouth dries out and I swallow. I’m not a bold person, not when it comes to intimacy—to touching. I inch closer, and, like I’ve dreamed of a thousand times, I caress the hair on his head, sliding my fingers into the golden-blond strands, then retucking it behind his ear.
West finally allows his deep blue eyes to meet mine.
“Will you take me inside?” I ask. “Will you show me your home?”
We’re out of the car in a heartbeat, and, with our fingers knotted tightly together, West leads me up the white stone stairs as if he’s terrified I’ll change my mind or he’ll change his. He shoves the floor-to-ceiling door open and the air rushes out of my lungs.
And I thought it looked huge on the outside. “My God.”
West shuts the door and my eyes dart about, trying to comprehend the splendor. I stand on a marble floor and in front of me is a sprawling staircase that winds with immeasurable grace. The ceiling appears to soar to the heavens and at the very pinnacle above us is a domed skylight. Because this house is perfect, the moon itself is centered in the middle.
I glance at West and I expect to see quiet expectation or a glimmer of pride. Instead, his expression contains an ache. I squeeze his hand. “It’s beautiful.”
“It’s excessive.”
I appraise my clothes: my best blue button-down shirt, my best pair of jeans and black shoes. There is no way my best could ever measure up. My grip on him loosens and West clings tighter. A constant seesaw between us of holding on and letting go.
High heels click against the floor and I raise my head to notice a slender woman gliding into the foyer from a back hallway. She has mail in her hands and she flips through it with an air of absentness. I bet she doesn’t receive collection notices.
“Hi, Mom,” West says and I flinch, startled by his voice breaking the silence.
She stops abruptly. It’s obvious where West inherited his good looks, golden hair and blue eyes. A tender smile brightens her face as she surveys him. “You’re home. I thought you’d be out celebrating with your friends.”
Celebrating? My forehead scrunches. Is he purposely avoiding my gaze?
“This is Haley Williams. Haley, this is....” West pauses and the pleading glance he sends me causes me to shift. Meeting parents can be awkward, but West is acting like he’s about to slash open my heart or his. “My mom, Miriam Young.”
Young. I suck in a breath as my heart pounds faster. He’s Young.
West Young. I’ve heard his name—have said his name—a hundred times and it never clicked. Not once...until now.
He’s not just any Young. He’s
the
Young. This is the family that half of the buildings in the city have been dedicated to. They’re the reason why the zoo can throw a Halloween party. Because of a plaque at the check-in desk, I knew they were the ones who paid for the mattress I slept on at the shelter.
I let out a slow, steady stream of air because breathing is helpful. Breathing can keep me upright and deter the black dots encrypting my vision. Breathing may possibly make this moment less real.
“It’s nice to meet you, Haley.” His mother’s eyes dance as she spots our joined hands. “And I’m assuming Haley is your...”
“Girlfriend,” answers West.
A sound leaves me that’s akin to a squeak. West Young claimed me as his girlfriend.
Mrs. Young’s smile overtakes her face, and, as she moves forward, I let go of West and extend my hand because that’s what you do with royalty, right? Crap, maybe I should curtsy. Mrs. Young accepts my hand with both of hers, then draws me in for a hug. “West has never brought home a girl before.”
“He hasn’t?” I hug her back, sort of, because I’m wondering if I’m allowed to touch.
Mrs. Young pulls back and stretches out my arms in that weird assessing way. “She’s beautiful. Really, West, she is. Simply gorgeous.”
And
she’s
touchy. “Thank you?” Am I a contestant in a dog show?
I shoot a please-help-me glance to West, and, thankfully, he swoops in for the rescue. He lobs an arm around my shoulder and his mother finally drops my hands.
“I thought I’d show her around,” he says.
She claps. “That is a wonderful idea. You do that. I’ll change into something less formal, and then we can meet in the kitchen. It’ll give me a chance to properly celebrate your birthday.”
We both stand as still as pillars of salt and watch as Mrs. Young sweeps up the stairs and out of sight. “That’s my mom,” he says with a hint of apology but mostly the pride I’d been expecting earlier.
“She’s—” enthusiastic “—welcoming.”
He chuckles. “She’s a nutcase, but she’s my mom.”
“You’re a Young,” I say and there’s a sad hollowing out in my stomach. He didn’t tell me, but at the same time, he didn’t not tell me, and I never cared to ask for details.
“Yeah.” West lowers his head, then raises it. “I am.”
West points in several different directions. “Kitchen, formal living room, formal dining room, Dad’s office, bathrooms, sunroom, a couple more other rooms and the basement is for lounging.”
West claims my hand and starts up the stairs.
“Where we are going?” I ask.
“My bedroom. We need to talk.”