“This is insane.” i’m talking too loud. “Diving is perfectly safe. i know what i’m doing.”
“I’ve done some reading.” He’s right in my face now. “Nitrogen narcosis makes you feel drunk, doesn’t it? If your judgment is already impaired—”
i take a deep breath and let it out, force myself to speak calmly, reasonably. “i’ve done hundreds of deep dives. i never get narc’ed. My judgment is FINE.”
“No diving. Period.” He scribbles, then looks back up. “I’ll reassess in six months.”
“Six months?” i’m shouting again. “i’m not doing that. You’re freaking—”
Dr. Drab stands up, towers over me sitting there in my boxers. “It’s my job to keep your grandmother alive. Don’t you go making it any harder than it already is. Understand? Don’t make the same fatal errors your father did. He was always so reckless.”
“Sitting on a boat is reckless?”
“In a hurricane? I’ll say it is.”
“That’s out of line.” i’m on my feet now. Back in his face, anger bubbling through my pained-hazed psyche.
“Control yourself, young man.”
i step back. Freaked. What the hell is going on here?
“You will not dive, understand?”
“No way.” i slide on my jeans and grab my T-shirt and shoes. “No freaking way.”
“Just let me say this. You are all Mrs. Walden has. And you’ve stressed her enough already. No diving.”
“No way.” i bang out of examination room and burst into the waiting room, still carrying my shirt and shoes. A kid snickers.
Leesie jumps up. Her face clouds when she sees mine. “What’s wrong?”
i grab my coat and slam outside. i make Leesie drive Gram’s car home. There are tiny snowflakes in the air. i don’t drive in snow.
“Michael, talk to me. We’re not going to Spokane?”
i pull my T-shirt over my head. The dive shop. That’s ruined. “Turn up the heat. i’m freezing to death.”
She cranks the heat, doesn’t talk while i put on my shoes. i’m sucking air in free-dive cycles to calm myself down. She’s learned not to interrupt that.
“He says i can’t dive. He called me unstable. Gram fed him a bunch of crap.”
“Don’t get mad at her. She’s concerned.” Leesie bites that lower lip of hers i practically own now. “Slow down and think about it. She’s lost a lot, too. You’re not the only one hurting here.” She passes a slow car and keeps accelerating—despite the snow. “What actually did he say?” She shoots me a worried glance.
“He got nasty about my dad.” My voice breaks. “Seemed to think he drowned on purpose.”
She hisses something under her breath. She must be livid. She never swears. “That’s the problem with small towns. Everybody has known everybody for generations. Your dad probably beat him at football or something.” She shakes her head. “Stupid man.”
“So you think it’s dumb, too?”
She doesn’t respond.
“He wouldn’t give me any pills, either. He suggested i go shoot hoops and get some fresh air.”
“Did he refer you to a psychiatrist?”
“Maybe i can get the shrink from Belize to write him and tell him he’s cracked. i can’t not dive.”
“What shrink from Belize?” She touches my knee. “You never told me about him.”
“Do i have to tell you everything?”
The color drains out of her face, and her hand goes back to the steering wheel.
“i’m sorry, Leese.” i stroke her suede jacket sleeve. She’s my only ally. Last thing i want is to turn her against me. “i don’t know how to explain it, but i know. i need to dive. i’ll crack up if i don’t.”
“You tried that.”
“Not really.” i stare out the window at the endless hills of brown rolling wheat fields. “i need to get back into the ocean. Feel salt water on my skin again. Taste it. Breathe it. i miss it, babe. i really miss it.”
She glances over at me. “Maybe in the spring you’ll be up to it.”
“i’m up to it now. You’ve got to help me.”
“How can I help?” She frowns. “If you’re not supposed to, you’re not supposed to.”
i smack my fist into my palm. “Turn the car around. Let’s go to the dive shop after all. To hell with Dr. Drab.”
She doesn’t slam on the brakes and flip a U-turn. “Listen, I’ve got a youth activity again tonight. If we skip Spokane, we can go to that.” She fakes excited. “We’re cleaning out an old lady’s barn.”
i slump in my seat. “Sounds like something i’d like to miss.”
“Please, Michael.” Her hand slips off the steering wheel and connects with mine. “It would be good for you to get out.”
“i want to go to the dive shop. i’m not interested in going to church with you.” To her church is the answer for everything. “When are you going to stop asking me?”
“When you say yes.” She squeezes my hand.
“i’ll say yes when you do.”
“What do you mean?”
i bring her hand to my mouth and suck on her knuckle.
“Oh.” She scowls so i can’t see how much she likes what i’m doing. “That.”
“You’re driving me insane.”
“Not Isadore?”
“You and Isadore.”
“And Dr. Drab.”
“Everyone. Everything. Something’s got to give.”
“I’m sorry. You know—”
“i’m not going to say it’s okay.” i’ve said that a thousand times. “i can’t today.”
“Let’s make a deal, then.”
i stop chewing on her hand. “Really?”
She draws it away. “If you promise to take me to the big regional church dance Thanksgiving weekend up in Spokane, I’ll quit bugging you about going to the branch.”
“That’s hardly what i wanted to hear.” Her face goes rosy, which makes me want her even more. i try not to get angry, remind myself how hard this is for her, how scared she is. “You think i’m a creep. Just like Troy.”
“i think you’re human. How can you help wanting this?” She frowns down at her flat chest.
“You’re a lot sexier than you think you are.” i reach across the seat. Her jacket’s undone. i find the edge of her safe zone, stroke the bottom of her bra through her sweater.
She goes scarlet. “I’m going to crash if you don’t move your hand.”
“Pull over.”
We’re driving through the tiny town just before Teacup. She turns left at a bank and parks under a big tree. She takes my offending hand, turns it over, and kisses the palm.
“Come here, babe.”
She slides across the seat, and i roll her into an embrace.
She keeps one toe pressed to the floor mat. “Isn’t this better than a dive shop?” she whispers before she plants her lips on me.
i kiss her back. “Nothing’s better than a dive shop.”
“Thanks a lot.” Her next kiss is more urgent.
“Okay, this comes close.” i suck on her lips one at a time. “Why can’t i have both? The doctor’s an idiot. i’m not doing it.”
She sits up, both feet on the floor now, combs my hair out of my face. “Don’t rattle poor Gram. You’ve got me. Do you really need to scuba?”
“But i don’t really have you.”
She frowns. “Be nice. The time you can’t dive will fly by, and you’ll be better.”
“i’m not sick. i’m totally healthy.” i lay some major lip action on her.
She breathes, “Maybe a little too healthy,” back at me.
“Are you sure i can’t have more of you?”
She pulls back. “Let’s start with the dance.”
“We’re way past dancing.” i slip my lips down her throat, but she’s wearing a turtleneck. “i hate this sweater.”
“Oh. Sorry.” She dumps her suede jacket and rips off the sweater. She’s got a tank on under it.
“Whoa, babe.” My heart is still revving. “i thought my fantasies were about to come true.”
She slips her jacket back on. “Not a thrill. Trust me.”
“i wish you’d let me be the judge of that.”
“Behave or I’m starting the car back up.”
“Only if you take your jacket back off.”
She shakes her head, but the jacket slides off. Arms, shoulders, bare neck and chest. Even a strip of stomach.
“Is all the skin you’re showing safe?”
She nods slowly. “I guess so. What do you want to do with it?”
i start with her fingertips, run my lips up her arm, rest them awhile on her shoulder. She tastes amazing. Oceanic. Then i explore her clavicle. i rest my face on her chest, just north of the forbidden zone. Her heart beats hard and fast against my cheek. i leave a mark where no one will see it but her.
“Michael.” She takes my face in her hands, tips my head back.
“i’m here, babe.” i smother her mouth like she wants. She shivers, but i know she’s not cold. i pick up her jacket and drape it over us. My hands explore her back, coast around, find the bare strip of smooth flat stomach.
She stops me there. “We better go.” She kisses me one last time.
i let go of her. Recess again.
She squirms into her jacket and starts the car.
“You really want to go to that dance?” i pick up her sweater lying on the seat.
“Please take me.” She pulls a three-pointer and heads toward Teacup. “My birthday’s a few days later. Let’s celebrate.”
After what just happened, i’m not sure what she means by “celebrate.” Her rules keep shifting on me. i know what i want for her eighteenth birthday. One night with her beside me. Would i still be happy to just hold her? i don’t know. i’m definitely not broken anymore. And her Ice Queen crown steamed right off her head. “Give it to me straight, Leese. What are you saying?”
“That I want to dance with you.”
“And?”
“Just dance.”
“How do Mormons dance?”
“You’ll see.”
chapter 22
SERIOUS
LEESIE’S MOST PRIVATE CHAPBOOK
POEM# 33, SOME GOOD ADVICE
she knows I’m lying,
my mother balancing on the edge of my bed,
her hands clasped around her knee, worrying
about me,
dating a nonmember,
like he’s
a diseased criminal rapist.
I just kissed him good night
—
with stephie spying and my nosy mother
watching the clock.
this is what I get for bringing him home
after Halloween at gram’s
and letting mom pump his hand and say
how sorry she is until he
turned green.
Five minutes—must have been some kiss.
Five minutes is nothing, mom.
she knows that, too.
You’re spending way too much time with him
—
We just study
.
and make out. and make out some more—
with my feet forever planted on the floor.
I can’t say good night to his lips,
close the door on his shattered eyes, and leave
his hands empty.