Authors: Kracken
“Did that upset you?”
Donny thought about it. He supposed that he had missed his friend, at first, but he had quickly closed that hole in his life with willing sycophants. “I could see Dad’s point,” he replied at last.
“Now you’re inconvenient to your father, I suppose,” Dan said sympathetically. “That must have been a shock. Has it made you think about how badly you treated other people, about how you treated your best friend?”
Donny swallowed a bite of his sandwich and then sat back in his chair, eyes downcast as he thought about it. “If this is about protecting your brother, you don’t have to worry. Like I said earlier, he’s way too trusting and giving, but I’m not going to take advantage of that. I want work and a place to stay as quickly as I can get it.”
“Then you have learned something?” Dan pressed with a lifted eyebrow. “Have you had an epiphany about how your life before this was destructive?”
Donny grimaced and hugged himself hard. “I’m not saying that I’m turning into a boy scout, but getting screwed over myself did make me realize what a dick I am.”
“Were?” Dan corrected hopefully.
Donny glared at him. “What do you think?”
“A work in progress?” Dan tried again.
“Under heavy construction, maybe.”
Dan made some notes and then admitted, “I needed to hear at least that much before I agreed to help you. While you aren’t as hardcore as most of the people that I try to help, your attitude can make it just as difficult. You’re not trying to kick a habit or correct violent behavior; you’re trying to improve yourself and the way that you view both your own life and the lives of others.”
Donny didn’t want to admit that he had almost felt suicidal, but it was there and plain enough for anyone to see. He was pretty sure that Dan could see it, and if he didn’t, Donny was sure that Peter had probably informed him that he was on the edge. It made him think about his connection to these people and how both Peter and Dan were making him feel, if not worth it, at least not so alone that things couldn’t change for the better. Having hit rock bottom, mentally and physically, the only way to go was up.
Donny picked at the table self consciously, realizing how much he owed these people. “Thanks.”
Inadequate in the extreme, but Dan seemed pleased. “You’re welcome.”
Dan shuffled papers and clicked his pen. “Okay, then, let’s get some forms filled out so that you can get into the program.”
It was a long process and it wasn’t much help to Donny’s self esteem to talk about food stamps, Medicaid, housing, and job assistance. It also didn’t help him feel better when Dan outlined a therapy schedule to deal with the issues that had caused him to enter into prostitution.
“I’m not a prostitute!” Donny argued hotly.
Dan leaned in close, expression concerned. “You’ve lost everything after being on top of the world. It’s okay to be angry. It’s not okay to be self destructive. Maybe this isn’t about prostitution, but it is possible that you might be making bad sexual choices that could hurt your rehabilitation. You need to talk about that.”
Donny could only nod, jaw tightening on his emotions. He tapped a finger on the housing request form. “How long will this take?”
“Families get priority, of course,” Dan replied, sitting back and putting his forms away into his satchel. “There’s a long waiting list for low income housing. It’s best to try for group homes or homeless shelters. Group housing is a more stable environment. Homeless shelters are first come, first serve. If the weather outside is bad, things get crowded.”
“So, you can’t tell me how long this will take?” Donny summed up with a sigh.
“Not really. Government moves at a snail’s pace and with a lot of paper work,” Dan admitted sourly.
Donny was quiet while he filled out a work experience form. Since he’d never worked a day in his life, he could only leave blank spaces and list things that he had learned over the course of being a rich man’s son. It was woefully inadequate. When Dan slid the paper toward himself and read it, he sighed.
“I’m afraid that I’m going to have to send you on job interviews that you may not approve of,” Dan told him bluntly. “Unskilled employment opportunities usually consist of hard labor and menial task positions.” He shuffled through a stack of notes and then pulled out a few and slid them towards Donny.
Donny took them. He blew his nose on a tissue as he read them. Dan was correct in assuming that he wouldn’t like any of them. Donny couldn’t see himself on a road crew digging through concrete or crawling into dark places to lay pipes. He also couldn’t contemplate sorting refuse at an incinerator site.
“What’s this one?” Donny asked, waving one note at Dan. “Fish house worker? Is that a restaurant?”
Dan took the note, read it, and then nodded. “There’s a lot of dirty work in a fish house restaurant, Donny. It can be grueling and nasty.”
“My dad always said,
‘Bottom to top as quick as you can.’
, to some of his aides. I used to think of it as a bad sex joke, but I suppose you start at the bottom, make a good impression, and get to the top job as quick as you can,” Donny mused. “I could be cutting up fish one day, busing tables next week, and owning the place next month.”
Dan was cautious to say, “Donny, realistically, I don’t think that kind of thinking is good for you, right now. It might give you false expectations.”
“Setting myself up for failure, you mean?” Donny replied glumly. He stacked his dishes neatly and then reached across the table to take Dan’s dishes as well. “I don’t think I have false expectations about anything right now, Dan. I’m just trying to put a good face on it, okay?”
“Okay,” Dan replied. He stood and took the stacked dishes to the sink. “I’ll wash these,” he told Donny. “You go and rest. The sooner you get over this flu, the better. I’ll call the fish house and put in your application, but you can’t show up sick when you’re expected to handle food.”
“Thanks,” Donny replied as he stood and hitched up his loose pants. “You’re a great guy, you know that?”
Dan looked uncomfortable with the praise as he turned on the water in the sink, added dish soap, and took up a wash sponge. “I do what I can.”
Donny hesitated, not sure that he had said enough. He owed Dan and Peter his life. He said at last, emotions running high and making his voice rough, “I don’t think I’ve ever had someone in my life help me like you two have. You don’t expect anything in return.”
“Maybe I do?” Dan said carefully.
He was still washing dishes, his back to Donny. Donny felt a chill and a mental,
Of course!
, that sounded like a street wise street punk soured on life. “Is this where I’m handed a bill?” Donny asked, leaning on the table and feeling weak at the knees with his disappointment and anger.
Dan’s hands paused in their washing for a long moment and then he asked, “What would you be willing to use for payment?”
“I’m in a good position right now. Why don’t we get it over with?” Donny suggested bitingly.
Dan dried his hands on a towel and finally turned, frowning. He noted Donny’s stance, sighed, and concentrated on folding the wet towel. Donny watched him finish the task, realizing that Dan wanted the time to consider his next words.
“We could use that to clean up after you shoot your load,” Donny suggested crudely.
Dan put the towel aside on the counter with exaggerated care and finally spoke. “What I require from you in payment; is your complete dedication to your therapy, your new job, and removing yourself from my brother’s apartment. I will not now, or ever, require repayment in any other manner. Is that understood?”
Donny swallowed hard, straightened, and staggered a little with dizziness. His smile was tight and bitter, reflecting inner pain. “I really am just a… opportunistic…. slut. I was almost looking forward to the thought of having some sex.”
Dan leaned back against the counter, his elbows back and supporting him as he sighed and then said, “People would say that it doesn’t matter how, or with who, you have sex as long as you enjoy yourself. That’s the point, though. It’s not just about enjoying yourself, is it? It’s about punishing yourself, about believing the things that your father and maybe other people have said about you. You’re using sex as payment and as a validation of your own bad self image.”
Donny felt his face burn hotly with embarrassment as he made his way back to the bedroom and stretched out on the bed. Dan followed him as far as the doorway. “Sorry,” was all that Donny could manage to say.
Donny stared up at the ceiling and wondered if he had the character to be the person that Dan was asking him to be. He was a self serving son of privilege and power, who had used people on a daily basis to fulfill his smallest whims.
“If I had seen someone like me,” he told Dan in a harsh voice, “staggering along the sidewalk, in the rain, and looking sick, do you know what I would have done?”
Dan sounded almost afraid to ask, “What?”
“Not noticed,” Donny replied and then turned on his side and dug his face into his pillow. “Thanks for the food and everything else.”
“You’re welcome,” Dan replied softly and then asked, “You won’t do anything rash, like leaving after I go? That’s not what my speech back there was about. I want you to succeed. Sometimes, that can be embarrassing and difficult. Setbacks are part of it.”
“That was a
setback
?” Donny said sarcastically. “More like,
true to form
.”
“I’ll set up a group therapy schedule today and give it to Peter,” Dan replied.
“Group?” Donny turned his aching head in confusion. “You want me to talk to a group of people?”
“A group can be very supportive,” Dan replied, but then looked apologetic as he added, “and there isn’t much funding for anything else, I’m afraid.”
Donny couldn’t formulate a reply. Dan seemed to understand his difficulty.
“Don’t worry, you won’t be required to say anything, if you don’t want to,” Dan informed him. “Sometimes, listening to someone else talk about a problem that you may be dealing with, helps a great deal.”
“Unless everyone decides not to talk,” Donny grunted.
“I haven’t seen that happen, yet.”
When Donny didn’t reply Dan said, as if forcing cheerfulness, “I’ll finish the dishes and lock the door on my way out. Will you be all right?”
Of course, not, Donny thought to himself, but that was just a mental condition. Physically, being alone wasn’t going to be a problem. “I’ll be okay,” he assured Dan.
“I’ll see you later, then,” Dan replied and it sounded like a firm promise.
Donny drifted after that, listening to dish water run in the sink and the faint clatter and clink. It went on for longer than it should have and Donny guessed that Dan was washing even the dishes that Peter had left earlier. The sound of the door closing and the lock turning roused him a little, but sleep was too insistent on separating him from any coherent thoughts or actions.
It was late when Donny finally woke up and drifted out of the bedroom to watch television. It was even later when Peter returned home.
The man came through the door and Donny had time to wonder, as Peter locked up his gun and took off his coat, if the man had stayed late at work in order to miss seeing him. Peter’s smile, as he finally turned to face Donny made Donny think otherwise. That smile was bright and gentle; eyes warm as they looked over Donny as if needing reassurance that he was all right.
“How was your day?” Donny wondered as he turned off a boring, late night sitcom on the television and took his feet off the coffee table. Wrapped in a blanket and relaxing on the couch, he hoped that Peter wasn’t seeing him as the lazy-assed freeloader that he felt himself to be, just then.
“Quiet, for once,” Peter replied. “How was yours?”
“Very quiet,” Donny replied, “Well, until Dan showed up. He’s lined up therapy and, maybe, a job for me. I shouldn’t be in your hair for too much longer.”
Did he imagine that flicker of disappointment? Donny couldn’t be certain, because Peter was already turning away. “I need to shower. I’ll be back in a few.”
Donny rubbed at his hardening erection. “Down, boy,” he muttered to it as he tried not to think of Peter taking off his clothes and standing, naked, under a spray of hot water in the shower.
Donny wondered if Peter had eaten dinner. He should make something for him, he thought, but then had to consider whether he could manage more than a sandwich. At least it was something, he concluded, and forced himself to get off the couch.
Searching through the kitchen, Donny found ham that smelled all right, despite the expired date on the package, slices of fake cheese, in little cellophane wrappers, and white generic bread. A water jug filled with something brown turned out to be instant iced tea.
“I can do this,” Donny muttered as he took down a plate and put two slices of bread on top of it.
When Peter returned to the living room, wearing comfortable tan shorts and a loose tank top, Donny had the sandwich and tea on the table.
“I didn’t know if you had eaten dinner already…” Donny began nervously.
“I didn’t have time,” Peter said as he approached the table, looking just as nervous.
“It’s a simple sandwich,” Donny said apologetically, wiping sweaty palms on his jeans. “You don’t have to eat it, if you rather have something else?”
“It’s all right,” Peter told him as he pulled out a chair and sat down. “This is nice, but you really didn’t need to bother.”
“It’s not a bother,” Donny said almost irritably and then caught himself as he realized where that irritation was coming from. “Sorry, I just feel that I owe you a lot and I’m feeling useless lying around in your home all day while you work.”
Since Donny had spent his life doing that at his own home, that feeling of uselessness was new. He didn’t like peeling back another layer of his psyche and confronting more of himself that was undesirable.
“You’re sick and in need, not useless,” Peter told him firmly as he began eating.
Peter didn’t comment on the sandwich. He ate it mechanically and then washed it down with his drink. It was only a sandwich after all, Donny thought, kicking himself mentally for wanting more recognition of his sandwich making skills.