TALES FROM THE SCRIPT: THE BEHIND-THE-CAMERA ADVENTURES OF A TV COMEDY WRITER (21 page)

i said, “i think the writing is great and you’ve got a fantastic cast.”
“They’re all friends,” he said, “who did me a favor.”
i said, “Well, i just wanted to tell you that,” as i edged toward the door.
“Sit down,” he said, “You don’t have to rush out, do you?”
Whatever was bothering him until then disappeared. We had
a pleasant conversation about his show, and all the changes on our
show went into the script with no more problems.
The celebrities could embarrass us at times, too. When Bob
Hope was made a “Four Star Hero,” i was to write the presentations
for the presenters. We had a four star admiral representing the navy,
and four star generals from each of the other branches of the service.
i tried to co-ordinate the writing so that each person would present a portion of the thank you to Bob. i contacted each one of them,
reviewed what i was going to write, got their okay on that, and then
sent drafts of the script for their notes and final approval. i reached
every one of the dignitaries except General William Westmoreland.
He was never available.
The first time i met or spoke with General Westmoreland was in
the green room immediately before the taping. Of course, i had to
write a script before then, which i did. However, when i went into the
green room with Bob and the four-star representatives of the military,
i asked General Westmoreland if he had received his copy.
He said, “Yes. i don’t like it.”
i asked why.
He said, “i can’t single out this branch of the service to honor. i
have to pay tribute to all of them. They all did a great job.”
i explained that we were having different presenters honor different branches of the service.
He admitted he wasn’t aware of that.
He would have been if he had
responded to my phone calls,
i thought.
He said, “i see. i still don’t like it.”
We were about to tape that segment in about ten minutes, so i
said, “General, maybe you would like to make some changes and we
can quickly get them on cue cards for you.”
He said, “i’d like to do that. Give me a pencil.”
i searched my pockets. i had no pencil or pen.
General Westmoreland looked toward Bob. He shrugged and
said, “i have the only writers who don’t carry writing instruments.”
One of the general’s aides supplied a pen. We made the changes
and incorporated them into the show.
However, Bob was aware of my embarrassment and attempted to
bail me out.
After all the changes were made and just before we were about to
tape, Bob told Westmoreland about a gag i had written that day.
Our troupe had visited Sea World and had been allowed into the
penguin display to pet and touch the birds. Our guide mentioned
that penguins are birds with wings, but they don’t fly. i wrote a piece
that incorporated that information into the show.
A guest mentioned to Bob the fact that penguins don’t fly. He
responded, “Don’t you think it’s silly that penguins have wings but
they can’t fly.”
The guest said, “not really. You have golf clubs.”
Bob told the general that story to ease my humiliation over the
pencil. i don’t think General Westmoreland was impressed.
When i first began to consider making comedy my lifetime profession—back in the late 1950’s and early 1960’s—i used to send
material to Peter Lind Hayes. Hayes and his wife, Mary Healy, were
well-known personalities in the early days of television and they had a
radio show out of new York. Peter read my submissions, introducing
me as “My funny friend from Upper Darby.”
i wasn’t paid for the material, but felt it would be good practice
and worthwhile exposure. After several weeks of that, Peter Lind
Hayes sent me a note thanking me for my writing.
He was the first to make my short list of celebrities who thanked
me for material.
Bob Hope was on that list often. Bob was a demanding boss, who
worked the writers hard. He felt he had that right since he paid his
scribes well. However, he was always very gracious in thanking the
individual writers for a job well done.
i wrote a special honoring Jimmy Doolittle, the general who masterminded the counter-attack on Tokyo after the Pearl Harbor bombing.
For that show, i wrote a couple of pieces for Jimmy Stewart, who
was a general in the Air Force reserves, and for Lee Marvin.
Because i was traveling on speaking engagements, i couldn’t be at
the taping of that show.
However, a week or two later, i got a phone call. When i answered the phone, i heard a weak, older-sounding voice asking for
Gene Perret.
i said, “Who’s calling?”
The voice said, “This is Jimmy Stewart.”
i said, “This is Gene.”
He said, “i just wanted to thank you for that piece you wrote for
me for Jimmy Doolittle.”
A day or two later, Lee Marvin called with a gracious thank you, too.
Many years later, in 2001, after Bob Hope had retired, Wayne
newton was asked to step into his shoes and do a USO Christmas
show for the troops engaged in combat zones around the world. He
asked Martha Bolton and me to help out with the comedy.
Wayne also remembered to thank the writers.
That’s pretty much the complete list of stars that went out of their
way to say “Thank you.” i thank all of the stars i’ve worked with, for,
or against for the lifetime of memories they’ve given me.
To learn more about the craft and profession of comedy writing, read
these other books by
Gene Perret.

This is an updated version of
Comedy Writing Step by Step
that was originally published
in 1982 and has been the
bible
for comedians and comedy
writers ever since. The book
is a thorough how-to manual
that not only encourages and
inspires would be writers, but
also guides them step by step
through the comedy writing
process – from the blank pages
to the completed manuscript.

Breakfasts with Archangel Shecky (and His Infallible, Irrefutable,
Unassailable, One-Size-Fits-All Secrets of Success)
(Quill Driver
Books, 2009, $19.95)

This is a fictional story of a
young
Philadelphian
who
is struggling to become a
recognized standup comedian.
Circumstances begin
to change for the better when
he meets a stranger who calls
himself “Archangel Shecky”
and claims to be the comic’s
Guardian Angel.

This angel loves to drink
scotch and eat all of the foods
that Philly is famous for –
cheese steaks, hoagies, soft

Yet he offers solid advice on comedy—not just on comedy,
though. Also on how to achieve whatever you want in any profession.
is “Shecky” angelic or is he a dead beat? is his wisdom valid or
simply a ploy to get free scotch? All of these questions are resolved in
Breakfasts with Archangel Shecky.
Also check Gene Perret’s website,
www.writingcomedy.com to order
these books and to learn more about the e-mail courses he teaches – with
personal feedback and critiques – on various aspects of humor writing.

A
“Apalchacola,” 258
“Have Tux, Will Travel,” 226
“no-Frills Airline,” 128-129
“Thanks for the Memory,” 203, 221
“The Hollow Hero,” 128-129
“Went with the Wind,” 129-130
“White Christmas,” 248
ABC, 83, 159
All in the Family
, 147-149, 162
Anderson, Loni, 218-220
Andy Williams Show, The
, 145
Armstrong, neil, 259-260

B
Ball, Lucille,224-225
Barr, Roseanne, 260-261
Basie, Count, 39
Beatty, Roger, 137, 140 (
photo
), 141

C
Caine, Michael, 106
Cambridge, Godfrey, 36
Campbell, Glen, 64, 82, 145, 215, 257
Cannonball Run
, 104
Carlin, George, 3
Carol Burnett Show, The
, 57, 61, 81,

114, 119-135,140, 141, 145, 146,
147, 149, 151, 154, 160, 173,
178, 179, 183, 188
Carson, Johnny, 5, 185-187, 207, 209
CBS Television City, 63, 67
CBS, 63, 65, 67, 68, 81, 82, 83, 126,
133-134, 170, 173, 176, 177,
179, 184, 195
Cher, 190
City Slicker, 67-68, 74, 101

Claire, Dick, 137, 140 (
photo
), 141
(
photo
), 142, 183
Cleopatra
, 36
Cocktail Party, 87
Conway, Tim, 58, 126-127, 129, 130,
133, 142, 172, 173-181, 185, 187
Cosby, Bill, 9, 96, 97, 99-111, 114
Croce, Jim, 194
Crosby, Bing, 77, 205, 248, 258
Crosby, Cathie Lee, 233, 239
Fields, Sally, 189-190
First Family, The,
21
Fisher, Bobby, 105
Fisher, Eddie, 36
Fleming, Erin, 102-103
Flip Wilson Show, The
, 81
Ford, Gerald, 207-208
Ford, Glenn, 31
Ford, Tennessee Ernie, 71-72
Foxx, Redd, 36

D
Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders, 156
Damone, Vic, 238-239
Davis, Sammy, 28, 132
Dayan, Moshe, 77
Dean Martin Show, The
, 145
DeLuca, Rudy, 126, 137, 140 (
photo
)
DeWitt, Joyce, 168
Dick VanDyke Show, The
, 53
Dickinson, Angie, 185-187
Diller, Phyllis, 7, 9, 35-45, 41 (
photo
),

47, 48, 50, 52, 61, 78, 85, 197,199
Disneyland, 79
Donny and Marie
, 145
Doolittle, General Jimmy, 265
Drexelbrook, 24, 34
Dubrovnik, 109
Durante, Jimmy, 51

E
Ed Sullivan Show, The
, 145
Eisenhower, General, 199
Ellington, Duke, 39

F
Fein, irving, 134
Feldman, Marty, 175
Hayes, Peter Lind, 264
Healy, Mary, 264
Hee Haw
, 82
Hegyes, Bobby, 158
Helen Reddy Show, The
, 193
Hercer, Ed, 41, 52
Hill, Benny, 175
Hollywood Palace, The
, 145
Hope, Bob, 5, 9, 20, 35, 75-80, 82,

H
Hagler, Marvin, 214
Haley, Jack, Jr., 106-107
Hamilton, Joe, 121, 125, 129, 132,

100-101, 147, 192, 197-210,
211-227, 211 (
photo
), 229-250,
238 (photo), 251 (photo), 252
(photo), 253, 254, 256, 258,
259, 260, 261, 262, 265
Hope, Dolores, 216, 226, 246, 247, 248
Horn, The, 195
Hostetler, Dale, 231-232
Hot Wheels, 93

J
Jack Benny Show, The
, 72, 157-158
Jackie Gleason Show, The
, 145
Jessel, Ray, 105
Jillian, Ann, 239
Jim Nabors Hour, The
, 64, 65-74, 81,

83, 84, 85, 94, 99, 145
Jimmy Durante Presents the Lennon
Sisters Hour
, 145
Joe and Sons,
146-147
Johnson, Bruce, 66
Joke Wall, 91, 93
Jones, Shirley, 215
Josefsberg, Milt, 147-148

K
Kaplan, Gabe, 151-155, 160, 175, 255
Katz, Alan, 87, 185, 187
Kennedy, John F., 21
Kentucky Derby, 246
Keyes, Paul, 95-98
Kiley, Tim, 251, (
photo
)
King Gustav of Sweden, 215
Kiplinger Magazine
, 35
Kirby, George, 239
Klein, Richard, 164
Knights of Columbus, 25, 29
Knotts, Don, 168-169
Kogen, Arnie, 72, 73, 98, 137, 140