Talk to Me (14 page)

After my event I sat out on the patio of the hotel. It was a perfect night, calm and serene. Joe was with me, as well as my assistant Andrea. Our three girls were in the hotel room watching movies. A quirky man who calls himself ‘Ipod' was walking down the street singing, and he had a mesmerising voice that bounced off the buildings and was very acoustic.

At the same time, out of nowhere, another man walked up to me with a pizza box in each hand and asked if I wanted to buy one for $5, since the pizza restaurant was closing for the night. I know I shouldn't have, but ‘Heck, yeah!' came out of my mouth instead. A gorgeous, cheesy New York pizza was now in the palm of my hand, but not for long. It was on a one-way track to my stomach! I inhaled deeply, it smelled delicious and I couldn't wait to take some up to my girls. I knew my dad had sent it to us.

I had been meditating on that same patio on and off for a week, and never saw food pass me by, let alone present itself to me, so I was revelling in the circumstances surrounding me. Then Ipod started singing ‘The Circle of Life' from
The
Lion King
, and it sounded just like the Elton John version. For those of you who read my first book,
Don't Kiss Them
Good-Bye
, you know that's my dad's song to my oldest daughter, Aurora, so she knows he's around her. Ipod had an extraordinary and relevant voice. It blew us away.

As though that wasn't enough for me to know my dad was with me, Ipod said, ‘Do you like Luther Vandross?'

I nodded my head as I took too big a bite of pizza; I'm sure I was puffing my cheeks out like a chipmunk. He then belted out ‘Dance with My Father', and I almost choked on my pizza. As I've mentioned, my dad was a professional ballroom dancer, so dancing was pivotal in his life. That song came out not long after he died, and is very significant to me. I was emotionally touched both by my dad and the range of Ipod's voice. Ipod then leaned down to my ear and whispered, ‘God works in mysterious ways . . . don't you think?'

In a daze, I walked back to our hotel room with the big, cheesy pizza and found myself quickly surrounded by my three girls grabbing at the pizza box. I smiled . . . we were loved. Watch for signs—they're right in front of your eyes.

TIPS FOR DEALING WITH LOSS

If you've lost somebody, first remember that they're not gone. Then write down your favourite memories of them in a journal, because the mind sometimes forgets important moments, and revisiting those moments later can be invaluable. Reconnect with them through the acceptance that they are there whenever you ask for them, and sometimes when you haven't. It's especially important for kids who've suffered loss to hear stories and positive memories about their loved one who's passed from those who knew them best and longest. It's our role as adults to fill in the blanks for these children by giving of our selves. This not only means sharing stories, but pictures and artefacts that are tied to the deceased and family history.

It helps to have something physical to cling to when you lose someone. Objects carry the energy of the owner, and we're able to identify the energy because we're familiar with our family's energy. If you hold the object and close your eyes, you can feel a warmth come over you and a strange calm which is your loved one putting their arm around you and sharing the moment with you.

The death of a loved one can be a trying time, and one thing that frustrates me is that I sometimes see step-parents who feel entitled to keep their deceased spouse's things, valuing what they need above what the children need, and that's not right. Children are so in need of connection with those who created them, and that must be recognised. What the children ‘need' should be decided by the kids; it should not be based on the step-parent's opinion or on whether or not they like their stepchildren. (By that statement I mostly mean the sentimental items that pertain to the kids' childhood and family heirlooms.)

Another important point that I'd like to make is that every adult needs to have a will to protect their family as well as their earnings and the life they've worked so hard to build. When someone dies, the best and worst intentions surface within families. It's often explosive due to the intensity of the love we feel for the people closest to us.

When someone dies, everyone scrambles to take a piece of the loved one's life that has ended. Objects carry energy, and they seem to draw us closer to our loved ones. Money is energy because work had to be done to make it, time had to be sacrificed to earn it, and of course money can make our lives easier when we have it. When someone dies, the sense of entitlement from the living seems to surface. Relatives often break apart families fighting over
stuff
. It's not worth it, and it's unbecoming to one's character.

I don't know if you've thought about it that way before, but it's what I see time and time again. An example of why the money energy becomes important to the grieving can be seen frequently in grown children who lose a parent. They find themselves depressed and missing their loved one, then they inherit and are afforded the option to pay someone else to do what they don't have the energy to do. They can afford to eat out, hire a babysitter to help with their kids, etc., and this is a way that the grieving still feel taken care of by the deceased.

Fathers are often bread-winners and mothers often cook for us because they're born nurturers; both soothe us in various ways when we're in pain. Both take care of us in life and again in death. I think this is why there are so many misunderstandings in families as they engage in a tug-o-war over cars, bank accounts and
stuff
. It's important for everyone to try to be fair and considerate when faced with a situation like this, and not succumb to bad behaviour.

Do what you know the deceased would want; and if they didn't live life quite right and if you're in a position to right their wrongs with the living, then do so. The deceased don't hold grudges, so it's not true when the living say, ‘Well, she was mad at her daughter when she died, so she wouldn't want her to have anything.' People see their mistakes when they die, and making their loved ones' lives easier—even if it's just a ring with no monetary value, but much sentimental value—can mean all the difference to those left behind. So troublemakers need to step aside and let positive energy surround family and friends, not anger or self-entitlement.

Also, no living person should ever make a judgement of another person as though the statement comes from the deceased. It's not healthy. For a positive example, you could say, ‘My brother would want his daughter to have his ring. He wasn't close to her in life, but he'd want her to know she mattered to him.' Avoid saying negative things like, ‘My brother wasn't close to his daughter, so he wouldn't want her invited to the funeral, and certainly would want her to have nothing!' Can you see the difference between the two statements? One is constructive and one is destructive. We all know people who would say either statement. I, for one, would rather be constructive at such a delicate time. A death isn't a green light for a family free-for-all to unleash every resentment built up over the last 50 years within the family. It's a time to remember what family should be and inspire us to live better, because you never know when the next funeral will be your own. How do you want to be remembered?

Grown children sometimes feel more entitled to their parents' nest egg because their sibling was the favourite and had more time with Mum and Dad. So there is often the temptation to take more than their fair share, thinking that they deserve it to replace the love they felt they missed out on. I'm not saying it's right; I'm just trying to illustrate some of the thought processes involved with loss.

If there was a favoured child, they usually don't care about the money as much because they had most of the attention from their parents and walked through life feeling very loved. Many of these people have been my clients, so I've seen it firsthand. They are more concerned with contacting their beloved parent than just about anything else in the world. I'm honoured to be able to energetically reconnect them.

I'm not faulting either situation; I'm just sharing what I've observed professionally and personally. Some people get everything the deceased owned and still feel like they didn't get enough from them, because they are emotional bottomless pits. Others get a photograph that they adored of the deceased and are grateful for having been graced by them. I'm sure you can figure out why these two scenarios are so different and see clearly that it has
nothing
to do with the money.

I've noticed that when people lose someone, whether it is to death or change of heart, they tend to be ‘gun shy' of loving again. They develop abandonment issues and often push others around them away. This is understandable to anyone with a pulse. It's interesting, though, that as human beings when we're hurt it's a natural response to put our guard up to self-preserve, rather than to draw our other loved ones closer to us.

I experienced this when my dad died. A part of me died with him, so I became, as I saw myself, ‘unseen and untouchable', like my dad was in spirit. While I was mourning I wasn't always able to be there for our kids. I was depressed and I really don't know where the months went. I still have trouble remembering the year my dad died. After some of the pain subsided, I saw what I was doing: not being present for my girls. Now I'm there too much, revelling in every aspect of their lives! But don't be too hard on yourself while in mourning; we're human and only capable of processing so much.

If you've experienced putting up your personal emotional fortress, remember this: LIFE doesn't stand for ‘Live In Fear Everyday'. I encourage you to write down the word ‘life', and try to define what it means to you. Because, as we all know, LIFE means something different to everyone.

PROCESSING STRESS

I, like most people, have a life that is full of challenges. Some are more difficult than others but all can take a physical toll on us. I write this as I sit on a plane to Buffalo, New York, surrounded by people who at one time or another have been wounded through the loss of a loved one, divorce or personal failure as they see it. I am no exception. I've lost people whom I love, and I have had moments where my back's against the wall, just like we all have. It's a necessary part of this party called life, and it's really how we all learn to persevere. It's the elements that contribute to making our days memorable that we all want and continue to desire, so it's vital to our wellbeing to pursue people and places that elevate us inside.

When I read people, I often have to remind them to
breathe
. I know it sounds strange, but as people go through trials and tribulations in life, and as we age, we seem to take shallow little breaths and ‘white knuckle' it through our days. This is not healthy, and sometimes we need to be reminded to rejoin the living.

As many of you know from my third book,
Secrets of
the Monarch
, my getaway place is Pinetop, Arizona. I believe everyone should have a place that gives them peace of mind when they're there, that feels like home. At least, everybody needs a place like that. In case you haven't heard, stress will kill you! Even if it's just your local park on a Sunday, go somewhere to centre yourself. If you haven't found a sanctuary, search one out. It will extend your life and provide you with a lifetime of good memories. It can even be a multi-generational sanctuary. Our girls have been going up to Pinetop for many years now, and they love it almost as much as Joe and I do. Why wouldn't they?

I also find chakra-infused candles in all sorts of vibrant colours very therapeutic after a long day of readings. Lavender oil in your bath or some epsom salts can be lifesavers after a stressful day. I find water incredibly healing, whether it's laps in a swimming pool, or taking a shower and visualising your problems washing off you and going down the drain. These are some of the simple things that I do to soothe my soul.

While sitting with Joe talking about what renews me and keeps me going, I decided to write this chapter and do a little research of my own. Bear with me, this is a first for me. I'm attempting to lead by example in unfamiliar territory. I went on a mission to find methods to balance my stressful life through various activities. Some were more challenging than others, but it was all done in the name of helping others to let go of their daily baggage. I wanted to be creative, and most of us have stress to release, don't we?

Joe has been trying to get me to play golf for years, and the answer from me was always ‘NO'. You see, when I was a teenager my mum was very creative with grounding me, and she'd take me to a golf putting course to practise while she and my stepdad were at the driving range. Good one, Mum! (Don't get mad. I love you, Mum.) I had always equated golf with punishment—and so I decided that golf would be the best place for me to start. To tackle something from my past that was a negative and turn it into a positive had to be a good place to begin trying to balance the scales of life!

I was up for the personal challenge to turn around a negative in my life and make it work for me. Let the games begin!

I must say, I severely underestimated the stamina and strength that is required to play this seemingly laidback sport. My body quickly let me know how out of shape I was. Believe me, you can be thin and still out of shape!

I signed up for lessons with Jack at our club. He and his wife, Sid, are worthy of a mention. They're first-rate people, and I like to acknowledge nice people.

I saw some of the women whom Jack had taught to play golf, so I had hope that I wasn't beyond help. They were 40 years my senior, so my pride was on the line here. I purchased my own set of golf clubs and the cute golf clothes, etc., and I also bought some pink golf balls for breast cancer awareness, knowing they would give me strength, too, through female camaraderie as well as all the heroes the golf balls represented who endured their battle with cancer. I looked the part; so now it was time to put all that gear to use.