It was after the men had left for Kade's quarters that Tanya felt a sense of loss, and she didn't know why since she would be seeing Lloyd the following morning, and Kade in the evening.
This sense of loss became more pronounced as the days slipped by and soon Tanya was engulfed by it. It had stolen into her senses as stealthily as a thief would steal into a house he was about to burgle. It invaded her heart as she stood beside Lloyd and looked out from Pulpit Rock across the valley of the Derwent. It haunted her as she gazed down into a deep ravine through which a magnificent waterfall plunged down into the green depth of the forest below.
It was there again that day, when they visited the Russell Falls in the Mount Field National Park, one of the seven of Tasmania's National Parks, the Russell Falls holding pride of place in the state's many waterfalls.
The sheer mystic wonder of the glades surrounding the falls through which the water cascaded down, rushing over the rocks and past the bright green foliage of the ferns framing the banks and threatening the very existence of the tall trees that stood in its path as it rushed over the top of the falls, only served to increase her unhappiness.
In the midst of all this beauty with the rays of the sun penetrating through the forest above the falls and giving a kaleidoscope of brilliant colours, enhancing the falls with a rainbow-tinted effect, Tanya felt utterly bereft.
It was not the fact that she had decided to leave her home and turn her back on the past. It was more than that; Kade should have been there, she thought sadly. It should have been he who stood beside her, not Lloyd. It ought to have been Kade who had stood beside her in the rain forests, marvelling at the wonders of nature, and Kade who should have walked up the track to the Cradle Mountain with her, smiling with affectionate tolerance as she enthused in delight on the flora and fauna around them. The ache in her heart had continually acknowledged this and had given her the answer to her sadness.
It was useless telling herself that she would get over him. He had bludgeoned his way into her heart, and she sorely missed his dictatorial ways and bullying tactics.
Without his presence the days became static, not unlike the uneasy calm before a storm, only the storm would never come. They were dull days that lacked the essential ingredient for happiness.
Tanya knew that she was getting a preview of what life would be like without Kade, and she didn't like it at all. Telling herself that it would be a good miss wasn't going to work either; her heart knew different.
At dinner that evening she made a point of surreptitiously studying Kade, in an effort to find out whether he missed her as much as she missed him. It was a disappointing survey, since she could not determine any difference in his manner towards her, and he treated her in the same convivial way that he had adopted since Lloyd's arrival, stressing the fact, it seemed to Tanya, that they were only business partners and she was being afforded the due respect that such a position called for.
It was so uncharacteristic of Kade that she was forced to seek the purpose behind his changed attitude towards her, even though she was very much afraid she knew what it was.
If she were right, then the answer would raise her to the heavens, if wrong, cast her into the deepest gloom. Either way, there was nothing she could do about it. Her rise to the heavens would be of brief duration and leave her yearning for what could never be.
Did Kade love her? Her breath caught in her throat at the very thought—it was hardly credible—and yet she had felt his eyes rest on her on several unguarded occasions when she had been talking to Lloyd. It was nothing she could pin down, just an inward conviction that their relationship had taken on a new meaning. Just as the conviction was there, so also was another heartrending thought that followed in its train. If he did love her, he was never going to say so. He would do his level best never to let her know.
This deduction was strengthened by the recollection of what he had said earlier on in their stormy relationship, that he didn't hanker after kids. His pride wouldn't allow him to go back on that statement, she thought miserably. There was another poignant fact to consider, too, and that was that he had decided to let her go, and would not enforce the six-month time limit. He knew that Lloyd was wholly dependable and would have no qualms of conscience in relinquishing her to his care.
As much as Tanya tried to believe in this theory, she couldn't bring herself to trust her deductions. It could all be daydreaming on her part and in a way she desperately hoped it was. You could get over day-
dreams, she could look back on this point in time and tell herself it had all been wishful thinking, give a little sigh and get on with life again, and put it all down to the painful yet wonderful experience of first love.
Anything was better than to actually know that Kade loved her but had deliberately sent her away. She gave a slight shiver; she didn't think she could bear that.
'Say, you haven't caught a chill, have you?' queried Lloyd, giving her an anxious look. 'It was a bit chilly on that top track this morning.'
Tanya managed to come out of her unhappy theorising in time to answer with a crooked grin, 'I sincerely hope not. It's all your fault if I have,' she added, managing to inject a note of teasing in her voice, anxious not to let Lloyd or Kade know where her thoughts had taken her. She turned to Kade, watching her with that now familiar guarded look in his eyes. 'I didn't think I could make the top and tried to dodge out of the exercise, but Lloyd wasn't having any. As usual he was right, and I'm glad I went. It was a wonderful experience.'
If Tanya's mind had wandered in other directions before this small dialogue had taken place, it was plain that Kade's thoughts had taken a similar turn, for she received a hard stare from him, a look that said more than words, and she knew that he was telling her that if he'd suggested such a walk, she would have dug her heels in and refused to budge, but she had listened to Lloyd.
She had never questioned this ability of hers to decode Kade's silent messages to her, and in this she was closer to him than she realised. Such communications
were a rare and wonderful phenomenon, but she accepted them as a kind of feminine intuition, not attempting to see them as anything else.
It was only later that she realised that such a relationship could bring more heartache, particularly
when the silent messages were never spoken but remained tantalisingly out of reach and therefore unconfirmed.
A fortnight later Tanya had to steel herself against the knowledge that Lloyd would ask her to go back with him at the end of his stay. When he did so, she knew that she would have to say yes. She was sure that he had talked it over with Kade and must have received his agreement for the proposed move, although he said nothing of this when he made the suggestion.
'Come and try it out, anyway,' he had urged her a week before his departure. 'You said yourself that you were not cut out for the business life.' Then his face had sobered. 'I guess I know you well enough to know that you're not happy here, and I'd like the chance of making those big eyes of yours start laughing again, like they used to.'
Tanya looked away as he said this. Had her eyes ever laughed? She couldn't remember. She certainly couldn't visualise them doing so in the future. It would be a very long time before she could envisage such a state existing.
At dinner that evening Lloyd told Kade that he had managed to persuade Tanya to return to the States with him. To give Kade his due, he did not attempt to look surprised, just gave a curt nod that said a lot more to Tanya's watching eyes than any words would have done.
In all probability he had put Lloyd up to it, she thought despondently. There wouldn't be another chance like this to get her out of his hair. Lloyd's arrival must have been a heavensent opportunity and one that was not going to be missed.
It was pride alone that made Tanya just that bit more attentive to Lloyd and to listen to what she hoped was an eager ear while he outlined their travelling arrangements. She somehow managed to smile at Kade and murmur something about how she hoped he could get along without her vast business acumen. Her smile was not returned, but she was past caring. If he could throw her out like that, wild horses wouldn't drag out the fact that she loved him.
Lloyd gave them the opportunity to talk things over by murmuring something about paying his compliments to the cook and went in search of Connie, leaving Tanya alone with Kade.
Tanya felt unable to look at Kade and stared down at her hands twisted in her lap. She desperately wished she could find some way of getting back at him. Even if she had wanted to change her mind about going, he was giving her no choice in the matter. 'It could have worked out,' she said in a low bitter voice.
`No way!' was Kade's curt answer, and as usual this abrupt terse answer held a wealth of meaning to her; he had no need to say more.
'We could start again, and this time become friends,' she said hesitantly, giving him one last chance to reprieve her from the situation he was pushing her into.
Kade's harsh laugh in reply made her want to hold her hands over her ears, it was so derisive. 'Not you and me,' he said harshly. 'There'd be only one way out,'
he added adamantly, and at her swift flush and half negative shake of her head he went on ruthlessly, 'You know what I'm talking about, so don't pretend you don't. You and I know each other a little too well for that. What I said before still goes—I don't tangle with inexperienced youngsters.'
It was brutal, and Tanya's wide shocked eyes proved that if he had wanted to hurt her he had succeeded. Not only had he refused to consider her appeal, but he had managed to make her feel gauche and somehow pathetic.
A wave of fury swept over her. She had done nothing to deserve this. What had happened had been entirely at his instigation, not hers. 'A pity,' she drawled softly, managing to inject a note of derision into her voice. 'Just when things were getting interesting. Who's the coward now?' she asked challengingly, and gave an emphasised sigh. 'Still, I'm sure I shall put your training to good use. I'm quite looking forward to it,' she added lightly. 'You're right about inexperienced youngsters—they're boring, aren't they? I've gone off them, too. It's the older man for me from now on. You've taught me that much.'
She saw Kade's hands clench and knew that he was having trouble in keeping them off her. 'Want to shake me?' she asked sweetly. 'Or punish me as you did before? Well, that will be Lloyd's role from now on. It will be interesting to see what line he takes whenever I blot my copybook,' she ended conversationally.
Kade had turned away from her and stood staring out of the dining room window, but at these words he whirled round to face her. 'Don't bring Lloyd into
this,' he said harshly, with blazing eyes. 'He's old enough to be your father!
Tanya gave a nonchalant shrug. 'That might be just what I'm looking for,' she said offhandedly. 'You know the old saying about the father figure.' Her eyes clashed with Kade's furious ones. 'At least I expect him to have the courage of his convictions and not duck out from under,' she added bitterly.
'Is that what you think I'm doing?' Kade demanded harshly.
Her clear eyes remained fixed on his as she answered slowly, 'I don't know. I suppose I'll never know, so it doesn't matter, does it?'
It was then that Lloyd joined them, and if he noticed a certain amount of tension in the air, he made no comment, but just asked Kade if he was ready to turn in.
THE day before Tanya's departure she received an early phone call from Kade, asking her if she would leave the afternoon free as they had some business to settle. Lloyd, she was told, had been asked to see that they got back from the proposed trip to Hobart shortly after lunch.
The fact that Lloyd had previously mentioned making the trip a morning visit, as he wanted to leave Tanya plenty of time in which to complete her packing, did not lessen her indignation at Kade's highhanded presumption that they were completely at his disposal. He had had ample time to work out her share of the business, and it surely didn't necessitate a long discussion.
When she had got over her indignation, she wondered whether Lloyd was expected to be present, but Kade had said nothing about Lloyd attending, and that meant that she would have to go it alone. That was precisely how she saw it—as just one more skirmish in the war of battered emotions—hers, that was, not Kade's.
However, there was one small consolation, and that was that as her share in the property was so small, it ought not to take long. She decided not to argue on any point but to just accept whatever he offered her, and knowing Kade, she suspected it would be a little
higher than the going rate. It was worth it to him, she thought wearily, his bonus being her removal from the scene.
After a night of fitful sleep and deep retrospect, she had come to the conclusion that in Kade's eyes she was just as he had said she was—a fledgling on the point of trying out its wings. He had been brutal because he had had to be. He had seen no other way to handle it. He must have had some bad moments when he had allowed her taunts to get under his skin and had reacted in the same way as any other red-blooded man would have done.