Tears of the Broken (44 page)

What
do I do now? Scream or be relieved that I wasn’t, in fact,
sleepwalking and placing my things neatly around my
room?

“
I
can explain.” David held a hand out, his palm facing
downward.

“
You
snuck…into my room?” I said, my tone layered with shock, disgust
and fear. “Why? I mean—how did you get in here?”

“
I—”
He stopped and straightened up suddenly, keeping his eyes on me.
“Come in.”

I
looked at the door. “Did someone knock?”

“
Hey, honey.” Dad popped his head in, smiling widely at a
plate in his hand. “I made you a salad sandwich.”

“
Thanks, Dad.” I forced a half-smile and looked at David, who
closed his eyes for a second and pressed his lips
together.

Though I’m hungry and I feel pretty sick because of it, all I
want is for my dad to go away so I can figure out what the hell
David was doing in my room that night, and more embarrassingly, how
long he’d been watching me. There’s just too much to think about
right now.

David moved away and leaned, with his arms crossed over his
chest and a thousand thoughts dancing across his face, on the wall
beside my door. Dad sat beside me. “Mrs. Rossi called—” Dad said,
handing me the plate. “She asked me to tell you that she was
overwhelmed with happiness to see you today, and not to worry about
fainting, because if you hadn’t done it first, she would have.” Dad
laughed softly. “And then she added that she wouldn’t’ve had a
handsome young man there to catch her.”

David’s shoulders lifted once as he chuckled.

“
I told her I’d have caught her, but,
apparently
—” Dad looked
a little solemn, “—I’m not a handsome young man.”

I
forced a soft smile. That was nice of her—of Mrs. Rossi to call.
She’s a good person. But my embarrassing diving-to-the-soil act at
the funeral is miles from my thoughts right now. All I can think
about is that David snuck in to my room and put me to bed. I’m sure
that’s all he did—he’s not a creep, and I really don’t think he’d
do anything…creepy.

David’s face softened when I looked back up at him. He’s very
sweet. Okay, it’s creepy that he snuck into my room, but still very
sweet. My vine-climbing Romeo.

“
Ara?” Dad cautiously waved a hand in front of my
eyes.

Clearing my throat, I looked back at him—at the smile badly
masking his concerned face—and almost laughed. He’s secretly
waiting for my meltdown, or at least some hysterical crying. “I’m
okay, Dad. Really. I guess I just need to eat.” I sat up in my bed
and placed the sandwich on my lap.

Dad
smiled warmly at me, relieved, I guess, and nodded. “Okay. Now—” He
looked at David, then back at me. “Do you need some time
alone?”

One
of David’s brows arched up slightly. I know if I ask him to, he’ll
stay. But that would be cruel when I can see he needs to leave—to
go back to the funeral and be with his friends. Maybe I won’t ever
know how he climbed into my room, or why—and maybe I’ll just have
to accept that it’s over now and David’s moving on. I’ve taken up
enough of his day. It’s time to say goodbye, time to follow the
plan I set out to do this morning. “Just give me one second to talk
to David, alone?”

“
Sure thing, honey.” Dad stood up and patted David on the
shoulder as he passed,shutting my door behind him.

The
silence in the room hovered over the howling winds outside. David
closed his eyes for a second as his chin rolled toward his chest.
“Eat,” he said, out of the blue.

My
eyes narrowed and I bit my teeth together. Why should I?

With
a loud sigh, David dropped his arms to his sides then knelt beside
my bed. “I’m not leaving until you’ve eaten something.”

Keeping my eyes on him, I picked up the sandwich and tore a
corner away with my teeth. “Happy?” I muttered with my mouth full,
slamming the sandwich back down on the plate. Okay, so next I need
to promise myself to stop being so moody at people all the time. I
smiled at him, but it was fake.

David nodded once, and the frown he wore erased the usual
smile from his eyes. Everything about him seems odd without that
smile. Empty, almost.

“
Okay,” I said, after I swallowed, “I’ve eaten now. I won’t
keep you any longer.” The pain in my voice came out more resembling
annoyance than the heartbreaking desire to beg him to love me. If
only there was a magic rewind button for vocal chords.

David sighed, and as he stood up, a pull of energy tore
between us like a rope, tugging tight from around my chest—making
my blood run cold under my skin. I wish I could change this. I wish
I could just beg him to stay, but that would be cruel. He
would
stay, because he’s
kind and he cares about people. But I have no right to him. David
deserves better than this. Better than me.

“
What are you thinking?” David turned suddenly, his eyes
reproving. “I just don’t understand you, Ara?” He stepped back to
my bedside and dropped to his knees again with a scowl infecting
his perfect face.

“
Me?” I sat up further in my bed. He can’t
figure
me
out?
He’s the one who decided to leave me—for my own good. He’s the one
that pretended to love me to try to save me from a false assumption
that I might kill myself, and he can’t figure me out? How
exhausting. “David. Just go away. Please? You don’t have to feel
like you owe me anything just because I’m sad and pathetic.” I
threw my plate to the foot of my bed. “I’m tired, and I can’t fight
with you anymore. I want you to go.”

A
soft snicker of a laugh came from his lips, and he stared at me,
disbelief washing off the scowl. “Sad and pathetic?” he muttered
under his breath. “Ara, is that how you think I see
you?”

My
lip quivered, imprisoning the apology I’ve wanted to give him for
days—the one I have no right to free my conscience with. “David,
I’m so sorry. I didn’t know Nathan had died when I saw you on
Tuesday. I wish I hadn’t been so horrible to you. I just—” I shook
my head and fought with my tongue, softening my voice, “—I just
want you to know that I’m okay, and you don’t have to force
yourself to stay with me anymore. I promise I’m not going to do
anything rash.”

“
Rash?” He frowned, shaking his head.

“
As
in…I’m not going to ki—I, I mean, I’m—I’m saying that you’re free
to go. And thank you—for being my friend.” I tried to sound
convincing, but every word of goodbye stung the inside of my chest
and brought tears to my eyes.

David, kneeling beside me, motionless and stiff, stared ahead
with his mouth hanging open a little. “Ara? I’m really
confused.”

“
What? Why would
you
be confused?” I stifled the
elevation in my tone; Dad will come in for sure if he thinks
David’s upsetting me. How was that confusing? I was very
straightforward. You are free. Just go. No ties left. Stop feeling
bad, because you can’t save me from myself.

David spun around and sat on the floor by my bed with his
back against the mattress. He rested his hands on his forehead and
his elbows on his bent knees. “Are you mad at me for sneaking into
your room?” he asked, then turned his head slightly to the left,
but didn’t meet my eyes.

“
No.”

“
Then, why are you mad at me? Why do you want me to go?” I
heard his voice quiver on the end.

“
David, I’m not mad at you.” Why would he think I’m mad? “I
want you to be happy. I figured it out, okay? You’re off the
hook.”

“
Off the hook? Ara? What the
hell
are you talking
about?”

Obviously, he’s going to keep playing this game until the
end. After a deep breath, I started my explanation, “Look, I know
my dad asked you to keep an eye on me because he thinks I’m
suicidal.” Though I’ve come to terms with the truth about David’s
feelings for me—admitting it out in the open really hurts. “But Dad
doesn’t know me very well. I would never be able to hurt myself.
Okay? I’m not that strong. So, you don’t have to be my friend,
anymore, just because he asked you to.”

I
hope he doesn’t hear the lie behind my strength—behind setting him
free. He can go free, but somewhere, deep inside of me, he will
always be locked away. I will never truly let him go.

David shook his head slowly, and my shoulders lifted in
preparation for the door to close behind him, but he slid up the
edge of the bed and sat beside me, immobilising me with his intense
gaze. “I think—” he took my hand and kissed it, smiling, still
shaking his head, “I think we may have had a little
misunderstanding here.” I marvelled at his gleaming white teeth and
the way his eyes lit up from the corners, flooding his face with
warmth. “So, you think—” he looked away and laughed, “you think I’m
only here because your dad has you on suicide watch?”

“
You
don’t have to pretend anymore, David, I—”

“
Did none of it count?” he cut in with a
slightly agitated voice. “The kiss? The fact that I said I
love
you? Ara, when I
speak,” he shook his head, “when I say something to someone, it’s
never spoken lightly. I mean everything I have ever said to you.
Why would you think all of that was fake?” One of his eyes lit up
with a smile while the other narrowed in
question.

“
I’m
wrong?” Confusion thickened my tone like liquid-cement.

He
let out one short breath of laughter. “Ara. I can’t believe you. I
would
never
do
that. I said I loved you
because
I love you.” He shook his head and rubbed his
chin. “You silly girl. Do you have any idea how much more I love
you right now? All cute and vulnerable.”

What
a mess. “So—you’re not mad at me for yelling at you—you know, when
Nathan died?”

David stopped on his words for a second, his eyes playing out
his confusion. “Ara, really? It would take a lot more than that to
make me not want to be with you. Besides, I didn’t even know about
Nathan until I got home that day. So, no, I’m not mad at you.”
David leaned back a little then. “I walked away because you hurt me
when you said those things—the fact that you could actually say
them—even if you don’t mean them. It made me wonder if you really
love me at all.” He moistened his lips with his tongue and let out
a breath. “I’ve been in agony these last few days, and when I saw
you this morning and you wouldn’t talk to me, I spent the whole
drive to the funeral just trying to fight back the
tears—”

My
heart melted; I grabbed his hand and squeezed it. “Oh, David, I’m
so sorry. How can you possibly ever think I don’t love
you?”

“
Because you
said
it, Ara,” he said, drily.
“Words have meaning to me. I know humans have forgotten the power
of their own vocabulary along the way, but
I
still value every
syllable.”

“
I’m
sorry. I didn’t mean it when I said it.” My head shook slowly. “But
I just don’t understand why, if you really do love me, why you made
me fall in love with you? Why did you drag me through all this if
you knew you’d have to leave eventually?”

“
I
never planned on being this in love with you.” He took a breath and
let it out, rubbing his brow. “I was very drawn to you when I first
saw you, but I never imagined I’d consider giving up everything in
my world just to be with you.” His eyes darted quickly between my
lips and my eyes. “No one has ever affected me like you
have.”

“
So,
you wanted me for a summer romance? That’s it?”

“
At
first.” He nodded. “I denied what I felt. I thought…I honestly told
myself we would be nothing more than a fling.”

“
And
now…?”

“
You
know how I feel now.”

I
shook my head. “I can’t believe you risked my heart to satisfy your
own.”

“
It doesn’t work like that, girl. You know
that. You
know
how I feel about you.”

“
Do
I?”

“
Oh,
come on, Ara.” He rolled his head to the side. “I never meant to
hurt you. But this, the fact that I must leave—it’s just a part of
it—a part of my world.”

“
But
if you knew that, then why would you say the things you
said?”

David’s eyelids dropped for a second. “Because, despite the
facts about my troubled life, I still love you, and I meant
everything
I said to
you. I got caught up in the romance, lost in the unbelievable
feeling of being in love for the first time. I never intended to
hurt you, but once I fell for you—
really
fell for you—I tried to hold
back my feelings.” He smiled. “But you wouldn’t let me.”

“
So,
this is my fault?” I folded my arms.

“
No.” He leaned forward and pried my hand from my elbow. “No,
mon amour. I just meant that I couldn’t resist loving you. I
honestly believed, when we first became friends, that I could be
strong, that I could handle a whirlwind summer romance, and then,
when the sun was long gone and the leaves turned brown—I would move
on—and you would forget about me.”