Authors: TJ Klune
Doc Hal and Vince exchanged a look I couldn’t quite place. “I don’t know what you mean,” Doc Hal said blandly. “Now, since you will be taking care of the man you injured, there are a few things you should know.”
I winced. Vince chuckled. Bastard.
“You need to keep an eye out for any symptoms such as dizziness, dilated pupils, nausea. If those start to occur, it might be a good idea for him to get back here for further tests. I’ve given him a mild painkiller, but he’ll need to stay awake for a few hours before he can sleep, so it’s up to you to keep him up.”
“I’m sure we can think of a few things,” Vince said, waggling his eyebrows.
“None of that for the next day or so,” Doc Hal admonished slightly.
Vince pouted.
“No sex,” Doc Hal told me. “I’m not releasing him to you just so you can molest him in his weakened state.”
“But… it’s….” I sputtered. “It’s
not
… I don’t….”
“No buts,” he said sternly, like I was trying to disagree with him.
“Wow,” Vince said. “Maybe you should hit me with your car more often. Arguing with the doctor about sex with me? That’s hot.”
If looks could kill, Vince would have exploded in a blast of meat and blood given the way I glared at him. “I’m not arguing,” I hissed at him. “I’m not going to have sex with you!”
“You can this weekend,” Doc Hal said as if trying to soothe me. “He just needs some rest before he should try to get it up.”
I was horrified. “What the hell is wrong with you?”
“You cleared from work the next few days?” Doc Hal asked him.
Vince looked at me.
I scowled at him.
He waited.
“Fine,” I said. “Yes. I told them what happened and that you’d need a few days off. Everyone says they are thinking of you, and they called me a jerk for putting you in the hospital. Tad told me to tell you that he hopes you get better soon so he can take you in the supply closet next time. I fucking hate that guy so fucking much. He’s such a little bitch.”
“Paul and I made out in the supply closet,” Vince told Doc Hal. “I think hitting me with his car was kind of his revenge. Or maybe foreplay. He might be into some kinky shit, I dunno.”
“Like he needs to hit things with his car to get off?” Doc Hal asked, glancing at me. “That brings a whole new meaning to the word ‘autoerotic’.”
“Are you even
allowed
to say things like that?” I growled at the doctor.
“I don’t get it,” Vince said, sounding confused again.
“I spent twelve years going to medical school,” Doc Hal said to me. “And I still have over a hundred grand in student loans. I’m allowed to say things like that because if I didn’t have a sense of humor, I’d be sad.”
“You’re not funny,” I retorted.
“I still don’t get it,” Vince said. “But now I’m really fucking tired.” He looked at me, and I could see all the humor had fallen away. “Can we go home now?” he asked me quietly. His words seemed a bit slurred, whether from exhaustion or narcotics, I didn’t know. All I knew was that my heart thumped a little beat in my chest at the sight of him like that. I tried to fight down the urge to wrap myself around him and shield him from everything and to take care of him forever.
Jesus, I’m such a fucking girl sometimes.
I looked to the doc, who nodded at me. “Yeah,” I told Vince. “We can go.”
He looked at me gratefully before looking down. “Don’t have a shirt,” he mumbled, as if suddenly embarrassed. “They cut off my cycle jersey ’cause it hurt too much to pull it off over my head.”
“I can get you some scrubs,” Doc Hal offered.
I shook my head. “Don’t worry about it,” I told him. I unbuttoned my dress shirt and took it off, almost but not quite self-conscious about only wearing the white T-shirt underneath. I walked over to Vince and hesitated for a moment, but then I found some bit of resolve buried deep in me and wrapped it around his shoulders.
He sighed softly and pressed his forehead against my shoulder as I fussed with the collar. I grazed his skin with my fingers and he was warm. I had to stop myself from going any further.
“Here’s a scrip for some muscle relaxers,” Doc Hal said. “Only have him take them if he absolutely needs them. He should try to stick to over-the-counter stuff if possible.”
I nodded and took the scrip and shoved it in my pocket.
“Ready?” I asked Vince.
He moaned softly but nodded, and I helped him to his feet. With my arm around his shoulders, I steered him out.
My Two-Legged Dog Is A Big, Fat Traitor
I
WALKED
him toward the car, though part of me wondered just how much he
really
needed to be hanging onto me like he was. He was acting like he could barely walk and kept leaning against me, his face going into my neck, brushing his lips against my skin every few steps. I tried to ignore the sassy black administrative professional as we walked by her desk, but she narrowed her eyes as she watched him “accidentally” kiss my neck again, and she shook her head as we passed by. I thought about saying something snarky to her (“I’m gonna have me a piece of my brother, sassy-face!”), but then Vince squeezed against me a little bit tighter and I forget about everything else as I focused on being able to put one foot in front of another.
I got him in the car slowly, carefully, and then walked around front and got in the driver’s seat. I closed the door behind me and silence fell. It hit me then that this was the first time he and I had been alone, actually truly
alone
, that didn’t involve supply closets or ambulances. I thought of about six or seven different things to say, each one involving some kind of apology for putting him in the hospital and also trying to make myself sound cool at the same time. But then the silence stretched into minutes and became awkward because I could feel his eyes on me as I stared straight ahead, gripping the steering wheel.
“So,” I said.
“So,” he said.
I cleared my throat and willed myself not to blush. I failed. “Your place? Or….”
“I want to go to your house,” Vince said. I could hear the smile in his voice, but I didn’t turn to him because I knew that his dimples, even if they weren’t out in full force, would most likely cause me to do something sexually stupid. Like ask him if I could touch his penis. I didn’t think that would be polite.
I squeaked. Or grunted all manly like. I don’t know which, though if I had to place a bet on it, I’m sure I sounded like Mickey Mouse getting anal. “You do? Why?”
“You have to watch me, right?”
“Uh. That’s what the doctor said.”
“And you’re shy and shit?”
I winced. “That’s fun.”
“What?”
“That my entire being can be reduced down to ‘shy and shit’.”
He waved his hand at me. “Well, you are. So I figure we go back to your house because you’d be more comfortable there.”
I thought on this for a moment. “You’re the one who’s hurt, and you’re thinking about what would make
me
comfortable?”
“What can I say? I’m pretty awesome.”
I couldn’t take it anymore and turned to look at him. Vince was pale and it looked like he was grimacing slightly, as though he was in pain. But even through all of that, he smiled quietly when I looked at him, and those dimples made an appearance, smacking me across the face.
Don’t ask if you can touch his penis
. “Can I touch your….”
Oh sweat balls.
“Touch my what?” he asked, cocking an eyebrow.
I blushed furiously. “That’s not what I meant to say. You’re going to be fine going to my house? You don’t want your own bed or anything?”
“Why? Do
you
want my bed?”
“Vince.”
“Yeah?”
“I’m trying to be serious here.”
“Me too.”
“You’re hitting on me.” And I have no fucking idea why.
“You’re the one who wants to touch my something.”
Christ.
“My house it is, though you should be warned….”
“That sounds a little creepy. Do you have a sex dungeon in your house?” But his eyes didn’t show he thought that idea was creepy. If anything, it looked like he’d be very happy if my house had a sex dungeon. I felt slightly disappointed that I hadn’t invested in one. I didn’t think it would add to property value, and it probably would be hard to explain to potential buyers if I ever had to move. That and the fact that my elderly swinger next-door neighbors would probably ask to use it regularly, and I didn’t want old people having sex in my house. I’m kind of a prude like that.
“No,” I said, kind of regretfully.
“Do you have dead bodies buried under your house?”
“No.”
“Is your house haunted?”
“Er….”
“No fucking way!”
“Well, I don’t know for
sure
it’s haunted. This guy I—” I stopped abruptly.
“This guy you what?” He looked interested and weirdly jealous all at the same time. Or, rather, that’s what I wanted to see. For all I knew, he was stoned and hallucinating that I had black balls hanging from my chin.
I sighed. “This guy I…
dated
… once said he was psychic and that I have a ghost in my house who is always on her period.”
His nose wrinkled. “You have a ragging ghost in your house?”
I shrugged. “I’ve never seen her, but I put tampons out once just in case.”
His eyes widened. “Did she take one?” he whispered excitedly.
I felt bad that I was going to ruin his joy of my fake period ghost. “No,” I said, and his face fell. “But that doesn’t mean she’s not there!” Now all I wanted was to see the vaginal-bleeding ghost in my house just to make him happy again. What’s a little spectral menstrual blood when a hot guy is smiling at you? “That’s not what I wanted to warn you about, though.”
“Then what?”
I took a deep breath. “I have a two-legged dog named Wheels who pretty much hates everyone in the world except for me. And Sandy. Sometimes he likes my mom, but most of the time he just shits in her shoes when she comes over. I don’t know why he has anger issues. He’s just really…
selective
about who he does and doesn’t like. It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. It just means you’re not good enough for my dog to like you.” And that came out way wrong.
He stared at me. “You have a two-legged dog?”
“Yeah.” I looked away.
“Named Wheels.”
“Uh. Yeah. Because he has a wheeled cart attached to his butt that helps him get around. It seemed appropriate.”
“And you think your house is haunted by a ghost on her period?”
“Well, no.
I
don’t think so. That one guy did.”
“But you put tampons out for her.”
“I thought she might need them,” I said defensively. “You don’t know how much courage it took for me to go buy those things. I felt like an idiot when I had to ask a woman in the aisle the difference between the ones with applicators and the ones that looked like those bath toys we played with as kids that you’d drop them in the water and they’d expand into animal shapes. I told her I couldn’t take it if it was going to blow up to look like a bloody duck-billed platypus. That would have been way too much for me to deal with.”
“Paul?”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t take this the wrong way.”
I tried not to flinch.
Here it comes.
Vince sighed. “I think I’m going to fall in love with you.” He made it sound as if it was inevitable. And wonderful.
I choked on air. And my tongue. And my saliva. And my thoughts.
It took all that I had to turn back and look at him again, my heart thundering in my chest.
He was asleep, his head against the window. A soft little snore escaped from his mouth. I didn’t think anyone died from going to sleep with a concussion no matter what doctors wanted us to think, so I let him be.
My hands shook as I started the car and headed for home.
W
HEELS
turned out to be the biggest traitor of all.
We got back to the house and I woke Vince gently, letting him know he had to wake up. His eyes fluttered open and he smiled at me as he awoke, and it was all I could do to keep from taking off my clothes right then and screaming, “Take me!” Somehow, I was able to restrain myself.
Barely.
I helped him out of the car, and he leaned on me far more than was necessary, but for some reason I let it slide. What can I say, I’m a nice guy.
I could hear Wheels even before we got to the front door, obviously overly confused and excited as to why I’d be back so early in the day. His thrilled yips made it sound like he was giving birth to a dog twice his size, and I knew if it went on, most likely his heart would explode
“He’s a little dog, isn’t he?” Vince asked as I fumbled with my keys. His arm went around my waist as he leaned in and nuzzled my neck. I cursed under my breath as I tried to put my car key in the lock on the door.
“Er. Yeah.” I suddenly felt the need to defend my tiny dog. “Kind of. I was going to get a golden lab, but he was a jerk.”
“The dog was a jerk?”
I almost dropped the keys. “Yeah. I guess. He thought he was better than everyone else. And he was mean to Wheels, so I picked Wheels over him instead.”
“You picked your little dog as revenge to another dog?”
“Not
revenge
. Wheels needed a home.” I finally found the right key and opened the door.
Wheels attempted to spin in circles when he saw me walk through the door, his cart rocking up onto one wheel as he turned. He spun three times before he stopped, becoming painfully aware that there was someone with me. He froze, glaring up at me as if I’d betrayed him completely.
“Don’t you give me that look,” I scolded him as I helped Vince through the door. “I don’t have time to deal with you right now.”
Vince started laughing quite hard. “
Ow
!” he said, holding his side as he huffed out laughter. “
Ow
!”
“What’s so funny?”
“He doesn’t have a
tail
!”