Tell Me It's Real (18 page)

“I made up the guest room for you,” I said, looking at my feet, double chin be damned. I pointed to the door behind me. Then I said the rest as I’d planned. It came out in a rush. “I have to go to work in the morning, but you can stay here if you want and I can take you home when I get off work, it’s no big deal, okay with me.”

He hesitated. “You sure?”

I nodded, refusing to meet his eyes. “Yeah. Unless you have somewhere to be? Or unless you want to go home. Maybe you do. I don’t know. I just thought you’d like to sleep in or something. Or maybe I can just come home at lunch and take you then. It doesn’t matter to me, so whatever you want to—”

“Paul.”

“Yeah?”

I felt a hand on my chin and he lifted up my face. Before I knew what was happening, minty lips brushed against mine, just a scrape before they were gone. “That sounds okay. Thank you for taking care of me.”

My face was red yet again. “I did hit you, after all,” I said apologetically, my face still in his hands. I couldn’t take the closeness to him anymore without doing something stupid, so I stepped away and moved down the hall. “Good night,” I said without turning around. I closed my bedroom door behind me.

And, of course, two hours later, I was still wide awake as I stared up at the ceiling, cursing my own lameness, wondering at what point in my life my testicles had been removed. “I’m a eunuch,” I muttered. “I’m a hairless, no-balled eunuch. I should put up missing posters to see if anyone can return my manhood. Because it’s gone. It’s lost. I am a walking vagina.”

There was a knock at my door. Wheels lifted his head. I watched the door warily. “Yeah?”

“Paul? You awake?” He sounded nervous. Odd.

“Probably why I said ‘yeah.’”

“Oh yeah. Can I come in?”

I sighed and stared at the ceiling. “Okay.”

The door opened, and he stood in the doorway. My eyes were adjusted to the dark, and I could see him scratching his stomach, looking everywhere except at me. “Everything all right?” I asked him.

He shrugged but still wouldn’t look at me. “Couldn’t sleep,” he muttered.

“Do you need the muscle relaxers again?”

He shook his head. “Don’t like feeling fuzzy. It doesn’t hurt too much. Shower helped.”

“Oh. Okay. So… what’s up?”

He sighed. “I….” He stopped and rubbed his hands over his face. “Look, I usually don’t sleep very well, okay? Never have.”

“You slept fine earlier today,” I reminded him. “Though it was probably just the drugs.”

He nodded and started gnawing on his thumbnail. “Wasn’t just that,” he mumbled.

“Well, what was it?”

“It was you,” he said defiantly, as if expecting me to contradict him.

“Me?” I squeaked and then coughed. “Me?” I said again, my voice far deeper, sounding like I was doing an impression of Darth Vader. I wanted to tell Vince I was his father, but I didn’t think we were quite up to role-playing yet.

“Yeah.”

I considered his words. “So… you’re saying I put you to sleep. That’s… comforting.”

He scowled at me. “I wish you wouldn’t do that.”

“What?”

“Twist my words. Make it something they’re not. Make you sound bad. Stop it.”

“Yes, sir,” I said, feeling properly rebuked.

“Oh, I like that.” He grinned, waggling his eyebrows at me, some of his smugness returning. Then it faded almost immediately. “I just… I think I sleep better. You know. With you.”

Oh, man. What a fucking line. That’s so not going to work on me.

I waited.

He squirmed.

I sighed… and lifted up the comforter on my bed.

He looked relieved as he walked over and climbed into the bed, lying on his side to avoid putting any pressure on his back. And so he could look straight at me.

“You’re used to getting your way, aren’t you?” I asked, bemused. Wheels took the opportunity to drag himself between us, where he laid down with a mighty huff.

Vince shrugged. “I guess. That’s not what this is about, though.”

“Oh? Then what is it about?”

“Sleep, Paul. I’m not going to have sex with you tonight, so stop asking.”

I was too speechless to think of anything coherent to say in retort. By the time my brain started functioning again, he sighed that happy sound and closed his eyes. But before he drifted off completely, he reached out and grabbed my hand, curling it into his own. And then he slept.

6) Vince Likes To Send Text Messages and Go Through My Shit

What r u doing?

Who is this?

U can’t tell? How disappointing

You spell out disappointing but you can’t spell out the word “you”?

U text like u talk. That’s special

I don’t remember giving you my number, Vince

Ha! U DO know who this is. Oh happy day!

What can I say; I’m psychic

So

??

What r u doing?

Working

Guess what I’m doing?

What?

Going thru ur stuff

What?!?! Vince!! PERSONAL SPACE

U have a lot of movies

I like movies

Yeah, and they’re all action movies

So? What’s wrong with that?

Nothing. I just thought u’d have more girly stuff

GIRLY STUFF?!?!

Yeah. Like chick flicks. U know

And why would you think I have chick flicks?

Becuz. Ur Paul. Float like a butterfly, sting like a unicorn ;)

I’m going to hit you with my car for real this time

o_O
that’s the face I’m making at u

You don’t want to know the face I’m making at you

Sex face? >_<

No. Not sex face

Blowjob face? *o*

That looks dirty. Stop it

I know. I’m going in ur room to look in ur drawers

Vince! So help me God, I will hart you

U’ll hart me? I hart u 2!

HURT. I WILL HURT YOU

Text threats are illegal. Look up the penal code

That’s not a real thing

I know. I just like saying penal. SEX FACE >_<

I am going to tell management that you’re faking your injuries

Nah. U won’t. What’s ur middle name?

What the hell? Do you have ADD?

No. Do u have SUBTRACTION? Haha, get it??

Yes, Vince. I get it

I need my own TV show

No one would watch it

Middle name?

James

So ur Paul James Auster? That’s pretty hot

No, it’s not. What is yours?

U’ll laugh at me

What? No I won’t

Everyone does

I’m not everyone, Vince

Fine. It’s Melody

Your name is Vincent Melody Taylor?

Yes. Melody was my grandmother’s name. I had no choice

I see

Ur laughing at me, aren’t u?

Yes. So hard. I’m going to tell everyone. Especially Tad

Why don’t u like him? Tad’s nice

If by nice, you mean a plague-ridden whore then yes. He’s nice

U don’t need to be jealous. I only have eyes for u (That’s a song!)

Oh, please. I’m not jealous (I’m well aware that’s a song)

U have a lot of argyle socks, Paul

I like socks. Get out of my drawers!!!

Yeah, but u REALLY like them. Like fetish like them

I don’t have fetishes

U could open up an argyle sock and sex store. Call it Sock ’N Cock

Don’t joke about that. It’s my dream. Not the cock part

I believe u can fly. I believe u can touch the sky

Do not threaten me with R. Kelly song lyrics. I’m offended

He likes watersports

I don’t want to know how you know that

Do u?

What?

Like watersports?

Are you asking me if I like to get peed on?

Yes

No, Vince. I don’t like to get peed on

That’s good to know. I’ve never peed on anyone except myself in the shower

You share way too much

I’d pee on u if u got stung by a jellyfish

How charming. We live in the desert

Yeah, but when we go on vacation in Asia. They eat jellyfish there

That’s disgusting

U could eat one and get stung and then I’d pee in ur mouth

You are so fucking gross. I’m not going to Asia with you

Yeah, u will. U just don’t know it yet. Is that ur parents in the picture?

Are you still in my room!?!?!

Yeah. They look nice

I guess. They’re kind of weird

I like weird. I can’t wait to meet them

You want to meet my parents?

Sure. When?

That wasn’t an invitation

Oh

Why?

Why what?

Why do you want to meet my parents?

Because they look nice

Vince?

Yeah?

Are your parents nice?

I guess. Don’t really talk to them all that much. They’ve got better things to do

Oh. That sucks

Eh. It’s okay. Who needs em, right?

Yeah. Maybe. My grandma lives in Tucson too

Oh? That’s cool. My grandparents are all dead

She has a homophobic parrot named Johnny Depp

Please tell me ur not joking

Not joking

Paul?

What?

That. Is. AMAZING

Wait until it screams that it doesn’t want you to rape it

LOLOLOLOL

I’M NOT JOKING

That’s so awesome. I’ll go with u next time. I want to see it

Uh, okay?

Hey, what’s in this box under ur bed?

STAY OUT OF THAT BOX!!!!!!!

OMFG. U HAVE SEX TOYS?!?!?!?! LMAOOOOO

VINCE!!!!!

THIS DILDO IS HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!! And it’s BLACK!!! LOLOLOL

I hate everything about you

Do u use these!?!?! That is so fucking hot. Grrrrr

No. I don’t use them. I didn’t even know they were there

Ur a liar. Here. Hold on

What?

Did u get that pic I just sent?

You mean the one of you with your mouth on a black dildo?

Yeah

No, Vince. I didn’t

It took u long enough to respond. U go into the bathroom and jerk it?

NO I DIDN’T!!!

U did too! And u know what face u made?

Let me guess. Sex face?

SEX FACE!! >_<

Put the sex toys away!!!

I did. I’m looking to see if u have a diary

What?!?! Vince, knock it off!

U seem like the type. I want to see if u wrote about me

I don’t have a diary

Dear Diary: Vince is sooooo awesome!

I DON’T HAVE A DIARY.

Dear Diary: I think about Vince when I use the black dildo on my butthole

I do NOT!

Really? Why not? I’m using it and thinking of u right now

Shut up. You are not

Want a pic?

I am not having text sex with you while I am at work!!!

So u’d have it with me when ur NOT at work? Score!

Are you really using the dildo?

No. Wheels and I are reading ur diary

I DON’T HAVE A DIARY!!!!!

Dear Diary: I hope Vince asks me out on a date. He’s so DREAMY

You already did. I said no. And dreamy? REALLY????

Dear Diary: Vince asked me out on a date and I said yes!!!

Oh, you are so fucking clever

U’ll see. U just wait.

7) Vince Prefers the “Wear You Down” Method Of Seduction

That night, I pulled into his apartment complex. “Here you are,” I said.

“Here I am,” he replied. He made no move to get out of my car.

“You sure you’ll be okay?”

“I’ll be fine. All alone. By myself.”

“That’s a shame.”

“So.”

“This is where you open the door and get out of my car.”

“Let’s go do something tomorrow night. It’s Friday.”

“I know what day it is.”

“Just as friends.”

I arched an eyebrow at him. “Just as friends?”

He smiled and those dimples were out in full force. “Just as friends.”

I wasn’t fooled. “You’re totally thinking in your head that it’s a date, aren’t you?”

He nodded, not even looking remotely guilty. As a matter of fact, his smile widened.

“Vince….”

“One date, Paul. One date. If you hate it, I’ll never ask you out ever again.”

“Ever?”

“Ever.” He paused, considering. “Or until next Tuesday, whichever comes first.”

“You think you’re so cute, don’t you?”

“Do
you
think I’m cute?”

“Fuck off,” I grumbled.

“So?”

I sighed. “Fine. Tomorrow.”

Vince beamed at me and my heart skipped a couple of beats.

“But I’m not going to have fun,” I warned him, already feeling nervous about it.

He rolled his eyes. “Sure you will. And then I’ll get to ask you out again for a second date. And then on the date after
that
, you’ll show me what you do with those sex toys.” He grinned an evil grin at me.

“Get out of my car,” I said, absolutely mortified.

“See you tomorrow for our date,” he said, leaning forward and brushing his lips across mine before I could stop him. And then he was gone.

Five minutes later as I drove home, I received my billionth text of the day.

Miss u already. SEX FACE >_<

And I smiled because it’s hard to be mad at someone who misses you when you’re apart.