Thank You Notes (4 page)

Thank you

 

… the word
prescient
. I’m not exactly sure what you mean, but I try to slip you into conversation when I don’t think the person I’m talking to knows what you mean, either. I knew they didn’t know what I was talking about—it was the perfect example of being prescient. By the way, I got you a birthday prescient.

Thank you

 

… leaves, for starting to change color. You can disguise yourselves however you like… but I still know it’s you.

Thank you

 

… guy in his fifties who jogs in spandex Lycra pants. The good news is, regular exercise at your age can greatly reduce your chances of heart attack, disease, and stroke. The bad news is, I can see your nuts.

Thank you

 

… Chinese delivery place, for giving me three sets of utensils when—SURPRISE!—it was just me eating. Are you trying to tell me that one person shouldn’t eat all this food? Next time why not take it further? Why not have the fortune cookie tell me to “take human bites.” Or say “Are you done now, fat ass?”

Thank you

 

… haters, for giving rappers so much to talk about.

Thank you

 

… NASA, for firing that missile at the moon. I think that sent a clear message to other lifeless rocks in the solar system that their constant orbiting will no longer be tolerated.

Thank you

 

… electrical outlets in Australia, for making me feel like I’m plugging my hair dryer into the mask from
Scream
.

Thank you

 

… people who count their money at the ATM and then file it away slowly while I stand behind them, for not feeling burdened by my presence. I’m just going to stand here silently getting madder and madder, and when you turn around and apologize to me, I’m going to say “no problem” in the most upbeat voice you’ve ever heard.

Thank you

 

… gym, for being exactly like my grandpa—always there for me, even though I only visit you twice a year.

Thank you

 

… customer service guy in India who calls himself “Todd,” thinking that will trick me into thinking he’s actually in Omaha and not New Delhi. Nice try, “Todd.” Hee hee… Yes, I’ll hold.

Thank you

 

… trick-or-treaters clearly too old to be doing it. It’s always nice to give out candy to the same two guys who installed my satellite dish.