That Wedding (28 page)
So while this was going on, Phillip and I are
watching a movie
. Meaning, he's lying on top of me, has my arms pinned above my head, is peppering my neck with ticklish kisses, and unbuttoning my shirt.
My phone rings,
Dum, dum, da dum, dum, dum, da dum
. Yes, the
Wedding March
is my ring tone. Phillip keeps changing it just to irritate the hell out of me.
Then,
Dun, dun, dun, duh
. The
Jaw's
theme song. Okay, so I might be messing with his ringtones a little myself.
He grabs both of our phones off the coffee table. "Danny," he says, looking at my caller id and handing me my phone. Then he looks at his and says, "Lori."
Danny tells me about the cheerleader incident.
"Danny, she's pregnant. She's got crazy hormones. I mean what did you have to do besides have a night of fun?"
"Well actually, it was a day of fun."
"Okay, too much information. Now she has to deal with all of it. She feels like she's getting fat. Her emotions are everywhere. She's sick half the time. She's cut out caffeine, which would be enough to send me over the edge, and I just think you need to be a little more sensitive. I think your job as the soon-to-be father is to pamper her. To be there for her emotionally."
I hear him groan, so I say, "Danny, do you love her?"
"Yeah."
"You want her to keep loving you?"
"Yeah."
"Then play nice!!! She's like your baby's offensive line. She's keeping it safe! Protecting it. Make her feel like you think she's doing something amazing for you because she is! That's YOUR baby in there, Danny. Taking care of her equals taking care of your baby."
"Yeah, I know you're right."
"As usual," I tease.
"Shut up."
"So, no simple, smooth, and easy?"
"Uh, no."
"Do something romantic, Danny. Remind her that she's still your girl. Not just your fat, pregnant, and stuck with you wife."
"You can't even tell she's pregnant, how could she be fat? Besides, she looks so hot. I know she's complaining that she feels fat, but I LOVE her body right now. It's a little fuller, and her boobs keep getting bigger. It's awesome. She looks sexy, if you ask me."
"Well, you should definitely tell her that because she's gained four whole pounds, and that's devastating to her. She says it'll be fine to gain weight, and she wants a healthy baby, but right now, she thinks she looks fat, not pregnant."
"My offensive line says I should buy her jewelry."
"Jewelry is always nice, but I don't think that's what she needs. She needs a small sweet gesture. Something to remind her that she's still your girl. You can get her something spectacular when she has the baby."
"Yeah, you're right. We haven't gone out on a date in a while. But it's mostly because she's been either sick or really tired."
"Danny, how do you and Lori solve conflict?"
He laughs like a little boy who just got caught saying a dirty word then says, "Sex. Always."
"Pastor John says if you do that your marriage will fail. That if you don't deal with the conflict, your marriage will fester and get infected."
"Whatever," Danny says. "I'll let you go. I'm gonna make some dinner reservations, tell her I'm sorry, and make it up to her."
"With sex?"
"Absolutely."
Ha! What the hell does Pastor John know anyway?
I text Lori since she's still on the phone with Phillip.
| Me: Haven't seen the pic yet, gonna find it on the internet. |
Lori <3 :( What pisses me off the most is he was clearly enjoying himself. He has the biggest fucking smile I have ever seen. |
| Me: Wait.....he has a big smile? |
Lori <3 Yeah, why? |
| Me: As in this kind of smile :D and not this :) |
Lori <3 Uh, yes. |
| Me: I don't even need to look at the picture. If Danny does this :D, it means he's uncomfortable. It's his fake smile. You have nothing to worry about. |
Lori <3 You're sure about this? |
| Me: Positive :) |
Lori <3 Why do I not know this? |
| Me: You do now :) Have a good dinner. |
I'm sitting in Phillip's office waiting for him to finish up a conference call, so we can go to dinner and work on our guest list.
I get on a wedding website where I had started a wedding checklist awhile ago. So far, all I had crossed off was
Get Engaged
.
I love checklists. Sometimes when I make a checklist, I put stuff on it that I've already done, just so I can feel productive and cross it off.
So here we go!
The way things have fallen into place has left me feeling slightly high.
I know there are a lot of details, but now that I have a direction and someone to organize and help plan my wedding, I'm excited about this next phase of planning.
I look through some photos of real couple's weddings. This is so fun! I'm in the best mood!!
My life is perfect!
I get a text from Phillip's mom, and I'm actually excited to hear from her! I can handle anything right now!
| Mrs. Mac: You REALLY need to do something about your STDs and fast! |
I read her message twice and ponder this. Um?
What is she talking about?
I don't have an STD.
No, wait. She must have mistyped a word, and her phone autocorrected it to STD. I wonder what she meant.
I wait for a minute.
For her to notice the misspell and send me a little * and the word stand or stained, or whatever the hell else has a S, T, and a D in it.
I wait calmly, but nothing comes. I read it again, noticing it says
your
STDs, like plural. Is she insinuating that both Phillip and I have STDs?
My phone vibrates again, and I'm relieved. She must've noticed the typo.
| Mrs. Mac: ???? This is important! |
Oh, shit!!
EXCUSE ME!!!??
Does Phillip have an STD?!????!!!!
That he did NOT tell me about?
Do I have an STD??
Could Phillip have given me an STD?!!!!???
WTF!?!?!
And if he did, why the HELL is his MOTHER telling me about it??!!!!!
I'm freaking out here! So I text Lori.
| Me: OMG! I think Phillip might have an STD! |
Lori <3 OMG!? Really? How? |
| Me: I DON'T KNOW!!!!! I'm freaking out @!!!!!!!@#^$*&!! |
Lori <3 Danny says Phillip has always been meticulous in his condom usage. You shouldn't have anything to worry about. |
| Me: True. Okay, that makes me feel better. |
I relax for a second. She's right. I'm being ridiculous.
My phone vibrates again with another message from Lori.
Lori <3 Do YOU have an STD? |
| Me: NO! I mean I don't think so, but Phillip and I haven't been using anything, so if he does then I probably do too!!!! |
Lori <3 Didn't you go to the GYN this summer for a check up? |
| Me: Yeah, so? |
Lori <3 They usually run tests for that, don't they? |
| Me: I don't know. Do they? I would think they'd only do that if you asked them to. Plus, when he asks if I always use a condom, I always say yes. |
Lori <3 Jade! You shouldn't lie to your doctor! |
| Me: I don't want to get yelled at! I KNOW you're supposed to. |
Lori <3 Well, I think they check for that sort of thing. So you're probably clean....or were then anyway. |
| Me: Yeah.... |
Which means she's implying that I was then, but I might not be now.
And I can't help it.
I'm not a hypochondriac or anything, but all of a sudden, I'm feeling slightly itchy down there.
Like maybe I have one and didn't know it, but now the symptoms are manifesting. I'm also feeling a little feverish. I put my hand across the back of my neck. It feels warm.