That Wedding (29 page)
Maybe I should get online to see what symptoms come from STDs.
Lori <3 So who all have you been with in the last few months? |
| Me: Uh, Phillip. |
Lori <3 and..... |
| Me: Um, the guitar player. |
Lori <3 AND....!!!! |
| Me: I don't know what you're talking about! |
I tell her this, even though, well, I'm not very proud of this, but there was this sorta drunkish night before Phillip and I got together. I saw this really cute guy, Jason, who I dated junior year in college, at the bar. We started talking and dancing, and, well, drinking, and one thing led to another. And we did it before when we were dating, so it's not like he was just some random stranger. I mean, we already had. So when we did it again, it didn't really count. Like he didn't add to my total or anything. It was kinda like a free throw. It counts for points, but if you miss, it doesn't count against you. When you do it with a guy you've already done it with in the past, it doesn't count against you. It's a freebie.
Lori <3 Look, I'm not trying to throw you under the STD bus or anything, but I know that there was a night you maybe got drunkish and probably weren't as safe as you should've been. |
| Me: Uh... |
Lori <3 As in the night I KNOW you did it with Richie Rich even though you lied and said you didn't! |
Richie Rich's real name is Jason O'Connor. That was the nickname Phillip gave him because his family was wealthy, and he was one of those guys that wanted everyone to know it. He was also quite handsome and adorable most of the time. He was a guy I actually really liked. We'd been dating casually for about three months when I took him to my winter formal. He got drunk and started a big fight. I made Phillip ditch his date to come rescue me. The next day, Jason sent me two dozen roses as an apology, and Phillip told me I shouldn't take him back. One of the only times I've ever followed his advice on boys.
| Me: Shit, maybe I do have one. |
Lori <3 Do you have symptoms? Have you noticed anything rashy on Phillip? |
| Me: Not on Phillip, no. And I would've definitely noticed. |
Lori <3 What about you, do you have symptoms? |
| Me: I didn't, but I'm starting to feel feverish and kinda itchy everywhere. |
Lori <3 So you think you might've gotten one from Phillip? Or someone else? |
| Me: Well if I got one, common sense tells me it would be from someone besides Phillip. Because if it was from Jason, I probably wouldn't have noticed it at like the time. |
Lori <3 I really worry about you sometimes, but I'd have to agree. |
| Me: But what if Phillip has some secret life that I don't know about? What if he's addicted to hookers? What if he has another girlfriend somewhere that I don't know about?! You see that on TV all the time! And their families never have a clue. Am I clueless!???? |
Lori <3 OMG Jade. Chill. |
| Me: I'm trying to!! So I could have one, but it has to be Phillip who has one because there's no way Phillip's mom could possibly know I have an STD when I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW MYSELF!! |
Lori <3 Phillip's mom?! Wait. What? WTF are you talking about? |
| Me: She just texted me and told me I needed to do something about our STDs. That's why I'm FREAKING OUT HERE!!! |
Lori <3 OMG!!! That seems like an awfully sensitive issue to text someone about! OMG! Maybe Phillip does have something, and he confided in his mom. Maybe she knows it was from you. Maybe it's like been dormant. They can do that, can't they? |
| Me: I don't know!!! |
Lori <3 I think you better talk to Phillip quick!! |
| Me: I'm scared. |
I was gonna call Phillip, but I'm still a chicken shit sometimes, so I figure if his mother can be a chicken and text me about it, then it's perfectly reasonable for me to text Phillip about it as well.
Just as I'm about to send Phillip a scathing message, I get another text from his mom. She's very impatient.
| Mrs. Mac: Hello??? |
I don't know what to say.
So I do what anyone would do.
I stall.
Okay, I lie.
| Me: In a meeting. Will get back to you asap :) |
Now I'm pissed! I mean, my gosh, she just sprang this on me and in five minutes I'm supposed to know what to do?? I haven't even talked to Phillip yet. But I'm gonna now!
| Me: It would've been nice to hear about your STD from YOU instead of YOUR MOTHER!!! |
Phillipbaby<3 WTF are you talking about?? |
| Me: She just texted me and told me we need to do something about them. |
Phillipbaby<3 You're joking, right? |
| Me: I wish I was :( |
Phillipbaby<3 I'm in the middle of a conference call. I'm sorry, but I have to say it again. WTF ????! |
| Me: So does that mean you're mad at her for telling me because you wanted to tell me yourself? I think you owe me that because now I probably have one too. |
Phillipbaby<3 I DO NOT have an STD! |
| Me: I mean, I'm a little freaked out by how you got one, and who you got it from, but we can just take medicine or something, right? |
Phillipbaby<3 JADYN!! Listen to what I'm saying! I DO NOT HAVE A STD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
| Me: Well, your mother thinks you do. |
Phillipbaby<3 I have to go. I'm on a conference call. Will talk to you about this in a few. |
I don't respond because I can tell he's irritated by all this. It's not my fault his mom told me. Why is he getting all bent out of shape? Maybe it's because he wanted to tell me in person, but wait. No. He said,
I don't have one
. I mean if his mom let the proverbial cat out of the bag, wouldn't he 'fess up if he did?
I'm starting to feel a little less itchy already.
So even though it's still in the back of my mind, I try to get back to work. I just got an email from the realtor in Kansas City, so I'm scrolling through photos of buildings that are possibilities for temporary offices. I see a few that look promising and am composing a nice email to her to let her know which ones I want to see.
Vibrate
.
Phillipbaby<3 To my textually challenged and wedding-on-the-brain mom, STD = SAVE THE DATE! |
| Me: O M G!!!!! Thank you, GOD!!! |
I call Lori. She puts Danny on speaker, so I can break the bad news about our unfortunate STDs to them together.
"So," I say, "STD does not mean Sexually Transmitted Disease."
"It doesn't?" they both say.
"Nope. Not to Phillip's mom. It's wedding speak for Save The Date."
"OMG!! That's hilarious!" Lori says with a giggle.
"I know, right? I accused Phillip of having an STD while he was in the middle of a conference call. I was freaking out and feeling itchy and feverish and everything!"
"You're such a freak," Danny says.
Lori says, "A lucky freak is more like it. Hey, I have to run. Love you!"
Danny stays on. "So......how come you never told me you slept with Richie Rich this summer?"
"Maybe I didn't think it was any of your business?"
"Or you didn't want Phillip to find out?"
"Both. Duh! So shut up!"
"Bye, love you," he says.
We're driving to the Mac's, and Phillip is giving me a lot of shit about our STD meeting with his parents.
"We're trespassing on dangerous territory," he tells me.
I'm not finding the whole thing all that funny, personally, so I tell him very politely to, "Shut up."
He grabs my hand and kisses it. Like that will help.
"Phillip, if I would've texted you and told you I was worried about an STD, you totally would've thought the same thing."
"Well from you, sure, but my MOTHER??!!!" He starts laughing hysterically. He's been doing that a lot lately. He thinks this is quite funny. He calms down a little when I flip him off.
"I'm sorry. I know it caused you some stress, but it's really quite funny."