The Adulterer's Unofficial Guide to Family Vacations, A Novel (28 page)

Alan motioned to his room, “Let’s talk about this.”

I followed him in, refusing to allow him to shut the adjoining door.
We sat on opposite beds, facing one another.

“I know you’re upset, Laura, but this kind of thing happens.”
His voice was calm, but his eyes were unsteady.
Clearly, he was still shaken.

“It shouldn’t.
I cared more about taking your call than holding safely onto my son!”

“Are you blaming me for this?” Alan asked in shock.

I shook my head, “I have no one to blame but myself.
And that’s the problem.”

“What’s the problem?” His voice was unsteady, as if he dreaded the answer.

“I need to put the kids first for a while.”
I couldn’t look at him.

“What do you mean?” I felt the fear in his voice before I saw it on his face.

“I don’t deserve you, or Mike, or worse,” I motioned to the next room, “them.”

Alan rose, “Laura, don’t do this.”

I stood, facing him, “I have to Alan.
I can’t handle a marriage or an affair until I can be a good mom.”

Alan shook his head, “No!
I won’t let you do this!”

“It’s already done.”
I started to walk away toward my room.

“Everyone loses their kids now and then!
They don’t want to, but it happens!
Surely you aren’t going to throw what we have away just because…”

I spun around to face him, “Just because what, Alan?
What happened tonight isn’t the catalyst!”
I waved my arms around, “It’s just the symptom of a much bigger problem!
I’ve allowed my romances to interfere with my kids.
If I’m going to make my life better and happier, then it needs to start with Jenny and Ben.”

All color drained from Alan’s face, “So… so… it’s over?”

I shook my head, “No.
I don’t know.
I just need to sleep on it.
Figure out what to do.”

“Laura, please,” he begged, “please think about it.
I understand how you must feel, but I still need you.”

I nodded, and then left the room before he could see my heart break.
Since his children were sleeping in my room, I silently curled up on the bed with the girls.
I didn’t even have the strength to change my clothes.
I heard the bed in the other room creaking, then silence.

Sleep, that miserable bitch, eluded me.
Part of me wanted to just pass out.
I don’t think I’ve ever felt so miserable in my life.
Should I give up Alan?
Should I go home and try to work things out with Mike?
No, I told myself, I had to focus on Jenny and Ben.
Make them the center of my universe for a while.
I had to go home.
That’s where their things were… where their friends were.
Whether I sorted things out with Mike was irrelevant.
I hated him for what he had done to us.
There would be no reconciliation.
Somewhere along the line, exhaustion took me, and I slept.

Chapter 32

The door was still open in the morning.
Alan and I moved around the room like zombies, trying to pack and get the kids dressed.
Neither one of us said anything.
I suppose it was up to me to start, but I had nothing to say.
No brilliant plan worked things out in my head overnight.
I just knew I had to go home.

We took our luggage to the front desk.
We had an hour until the bus arrived to take us to the airport, so we had breakfast in the food court.
I watched as families all around me raced about, eager to start their vacations.
It only made me feel worse.
I was making such a martyr of myself I checked my palms for signs of stigmata.

So there you have it.
I’ve come full circle.
I arrived unhappy and was leaving unhappy.

“So, what happens now?” Alan said quietly.

Bitter tears stung the back of my throat, “We go home.”

“To Mike?” He frowned.

I noticed that he didn’t mention Susan.
“No, just home.”

His hand closed over mine, “Laura, I’m sorry if there’s anything I did to… to…”
He couldn’t finish.
And why the hell should he?
I couldn’t blame him for anything other than making me feel wonderful.

“Alan, there’s nothing for you to apologize for.
I just have to be on my own for a little while.
I have to think.
I’m the one who made a colossal mess of things.”
I looked at him for a moment, unsure of whether to say anything more.
“Alan, what if it had been Jack?”

His eyes grew wide in astonishment, “Is that what this is about?”

I quickly shook my head, “No, but it’s there.
Look, I’ve really, really screwed things up.
I know it seems cliché, but I just need to spend some time alone with my kids. I have to figure out what kind of person I want to be.
Not just a wife, or a lover, or a teacher, or even a mother… but what kind of person.
I’m not my favorite human being these days.”

Alan replied, “I know what you are.
A vibrant, intelligent, funny woman who loves her kids.
And I want to be with that woman.”

I laughed harshly, “She doesn’t exist.
At least, in my mind, she doesn’t.
I can’t let you have someone who hates herself.”

The ride to the airport was anticlimactic, to say the least.
The girls sat together, holding hands while the boys gazed sadly out the window.
Alan sat beside me, his arm around my shoulders.
But neither of us spoke.

All of us were flying the same airline, but from different gates.
Alan tipped the sky captain for both of our luggage and all six of us went through the tedious security checks.
Finally, we stood at the junction between our two terminals.

“This isn’t good-bye, Laura,” Alan whispered in my ear as he held me, “I’m still going to marry you.”

The tears I’d been holding back flooded my eyes as he kissed me softly, then turned with his kids and walked away.
Jenny and Ben were crying too.
Great.
Some vacation.
Somehow, we made it to our gate.
I sat on a bench, both children curled up on either side of me.
We must have looked very strange to everyone else, but I didn’t care.
Ooh, how brave of me.

“Mommy?” Ben said as we settled into our seats on the plane, “Where are we going to live now?”

I ran my fingers through his hair, then buckled his seat belt, “At home, for now.”

I was relieved when he didn’t press me on this issue.
Shortly after the plane took off, both of my kids fell asleep.

Looking out the window, I wondered if Mike would even be at the airport.
I left a message that morning, telling him our arrival time.
I guess once we landed, we would know if we needed a cab or not.

Home.
Where was that exactly?
For an immediate definition, it would be Ohio.
But I couldn’t live there.
Not anymore.
Mike might behave himself, or even move out.
But it would never be the same.
I needed to find another place.

I guess I turned out like the other adulterers in my thesis after all.
Granted, I wasn’t about to commit suicide ala train.
How could I let this happen?
I guess it didn’t matter.
I couldn’t undo the past and I don’t know if I would if I could.
The most important thing to do would be to make everything work out for the kids.
Once they were okay, I might allow myself to focus on my own happiness.

Alright, so what makes me happy?
Alan’s face immediately came into my mind and I smiled for a moment.
Then I shook my head like erasing an etch-o-sketch.
I needed to think about him too, just not now.

All too soon, the plane taxied to a stop at the airport.
And sure enough, Mike was waiting at the baggage claim.
I couldn’t help but smile when the kids ran to him.
He was their father.
An absent one, but their father nonetheless.
I winced when I thought of the mistake I almost made.
Mike would never be able to see them in New Mexico.
I pushed all thoughts of Alan and our failed dream out of my head as we collected the luggage and piled into the car.

The house loomed ahead and the kids squealed with delight.
Well, I was home.
That’s what I wanted, right?
Mike and I didn’t speak to each other as we herded the kids and luggage inside.
I’d noticed the couch in the family room was made up with a pillow and blankets.

Later on that night, as I lay alone in the bed I used to share with my husband, I thought about Alan, Alice and Jack.
I pictured each one of them in my mind, and then banished them to my heart for a while.
I didn’t need any more people in my head than I had room for.

Chapter 33

Gray, rainy weather accompanied my packing.
I wandered from room to room like a ghost, debating on whether to take this or that with me.
Photos beckoned from their frames for me to take them, as did just about everything else from the artwork to the oven mitts.
In the end, I decided to travel light.
I could not stay much longer in this house, with Mike.

Only clothes, the kids’ toys and a few treasured mementoes would make the trip with me back home… back to my parent’s house.
I couldn’t believe I was starting over in the house I grew up in.

Jenny and Ben had packed their things without a fight.
They knew we were going to live with Grandma and Grandpa for a while.
I don’t think they understood much of what had happened, but then again, neither had I.
A few weeks ago, I had two lovers.
Now, I had none.
Maybe it was all for the best.

The door chimes interrupted my thoughts and I set down the box of baby pictures and headed into the hall.
A quiet exhaustion had settled into my body a few days before, so I moved slowly, grasping the cool, brass doorknob and turning gently.

Alan stood before me, grinning like a mischievous child.
He was wet, soaked through from the rain, but he hardly seemed to notice it.

I backed away, “What… what are you doing here?”
The banister stopped me.

Alan entered and closed the door behind him, “I’ve come for you.”

Shaking my head, I responded, “No, no you can’t.
I…”

He smiled again, “I know what you think.
That I’ll just complicate your life further.
But there’s something you need to understand.
No, make that believe.”

“And what is that?”

Alan moved toward me, “I love you.
I love Jenny and Ben.
And I want us to have a life together.”

“Alan, I love your kids too, it’s just that I need to be a better mother than lover right now.”

“You are a wonderful mother.
That’s one of the reasons I love you.
Anyone who sees you with the kids knows how much they worship and adore you.
And it’s pretty obvious that you feel the same way.”

Tears stung my eyes, “No, Alan, I’m a fool and an idiot.
I’ve made some terrible decisions in my life.”

He took one more step toward me, “And you are wondering if I am one of those terrible decisions, aren’t you?”

I nodded, “I don’t know what’s right and what’s wrong anymore.”

Alan’s eyes swept the room.
A trail of boxes led down the hall.
I could still smell the marker I used to label them.

“So,” he said quietly, “you are leaving Mike?”

“Yes.
I thought I’d head back to mom and dad’s place for a while.
Try to sort things out… untangle the mess I’ve made.”

Alan nodded, “You can’t take all the responsibility for that, Laura.
We both made that mess.
But I’d be lying if I didn’t say I loved every minute of it.”

I wiped my eyes on my sweatshirt sleeve, leaving inky mascara stains, “Alan, you should go.”

He looked around, “Is Mike here?
Because I’m not afraid of him being here.
I’ll tell him what I’m just about to tell you.”

I straightened, “Oh really?
And what would that be?”

His eyes bored into mine, “That I love you.
That I’m taking you away with me.
That I need to have you with me, every day for the rest of my life.”

“What?” It’s funny how much I wanted those words.
How could I hate hearing them?

Alan closed the gap between us, taking me into his arms, “You heard me.
I want you.
And I’m not leaving without you and the kids.”

I tried to push away, and not just because his clothes were wet, “Bullshit!
None of this is real!”

“I know you think that what happened on vacation was just a fantasy… a sex-drenched fairy tale.
But it was real.
All of it.
And I’m here now to prove it.” His lips closed on mine.
The tension of the previous weeks dissolved and I realized as he kissed me, that it was real.
He loved me!
He wanted me!

“Alan, I…” I began but he silenced me with another kiss.

After a few smoldering moments, he pulled back, “Do you doubt me or my intentions?”

I shook my head, “No.
I don’t think I ever did.”
The realization hit me.
I had trusted him since the first day I saw him.
Holy shit.

“Then why did we wait so long?” Alan closed the distance again, kissing me roughly as his hands explored my body.
His need was evident from the hardness pressing against me.
If I didn’t do something, he would take me right there on the floor.

“Alan,” I came up for air, “you left New York… for me?”

He smiled and it shook me to the core, “Baby, I left the day of the opening night of my new play.”
He frowned in mock concern, “Gee, I hope it all goes well without me.”

My heart exploded.
I actually felt the
kaglitch
in my rib cage.
This man had left his work, his passion, to be with me.
And not just me, but my kids also came first.
And it felt so fucking fantastic that I threw him to the floor to show him how much.

Alan’s hands ripped open my blouse, sending buttons scattering in all directions.
I tore his sweater off, and tossing my bra aside, pressed my breasts against his chest.
He moaned and I melted, kissing his lips, neck and chest.

For two hours we rolled around on the floor, coming again and again until I realized the kids would be home from school soon.
After I threw on a sweatshirt and Alan retrieved the missing buttons, we waited in the living room for Jenny and Ben.
I knew that things would change.
Of course, there would be roadblocks.
But I knew where I was going and what I was doing.
For once in my life,
I knew
.