The After Girls (22 page)

But in minutes her replacement came — a new girl from the college — and she had no choice but to go.

So reluctantly she took her share of tips, tucked her apron in one of the cabinets, said goodbye to Becky, and left.

She was nearly off the premises when she heard her name called from behind.

Her heart nearly jumped out of her chest.

It was Jake.

“Hey,” she said. “Did I forget something?”

He shifted his weight from one lanky leg to the other. “I didn’t get to talk to you at all in there. I wanted to say bye.”

She had to stop herself from grinning, right there in front of him.

“Well, bye,” she said. And then she did let herself smile.

Jake laughed. “Bye.”

She wished that she could just tell him everything, right then. But she could see more customers going into the café. She knew that he had to go back.

She adjusted the bag on her shoulder. “I’ll see you later,” she said, and she turned around and started to walk away.

“Wait,” he said, bounding over to keep up with her. “How are you getting home?”

“I’m walking,” she said. “It’s not that far.”

He put his hand on her shoulder, his fingers on the place where her bare skin met her tank top. “Let me drive you home.”

His hand seemed to hold her in place. “Don’t you have to work?” she asked, a part of her praying he’d say no.

“It’ll take five minutes,” he said. “It’s the least I can do.” He didn’t wait for her to say yes. “Just give me one second,” he said, backing away, releasing her, taking his electric touch with him. He ran back to the café like he’d been given new life. She saw him mutter a quick explanation to the new girl and was right back out.

“Come on,” he said, a smile on his face, and she followed him to his car.

She wanted to tell him about last night, but she didn’t know quite how to start, so they drove to her house almost in silence. Jake kept taking quick breaths, opening his mouth like he was on the verge of talking, and then shutting it again. It was weird that Astrid’s death had brought this strange cheery goofy new person into her life. It was weird that even though they’d known each other only a few weeks, she knew that she cared about him.

It was weird how much knowing that made her miss Astrid even more.

Finally, they reached her driveway. “Thanks,” she said.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry I said all those things the other night. I didn’t mean it.”

“You probably did a little bit,” she said, but she said it without anger.

He took a deep breath. “Okay,” he said. “I did. My family, we just don’t talk about stuff like that. You know, all that old-school, ‘don’t air your dirty laundry’ business.”

“I know,” she said. “It’s okay.”

But she didn’t want to get out, because she couldn’t get the thoughts of last night out of her head. She knew that if she didn’t tell him now, that she never would. She wondered if he’d believe her? She wondered if he’d think she was crazy, too?

She took a deep breath. Part of her trusted him. Part of her knew it would be okay.

“There was something I wanted to tell you,” she said. “Something happened last night.”

He looked at her differently then, his eyes narrowed. “Is everything okay?” he asked.

“Yes,” she said. “I mean no. I don’t know. I was at the fair, and then I thought I saw something — and anyway, it doesn’t matter — but I went into the woods, to the cabin where …” her voice trailed off. “Do you know that cabin?”

Jake shook his head.

Ella’s eyes widened. She’d just assumed that he’d known the whole story.

“Grace never told you about the cabin in the woods near her house?”

“No,” he said. “Why?”

And for a brief moment, she considered telling him everything — all of it. How she’d found Astrid there, how this place, this horrible, wonderful place was just steps from Astrid’s house, from where he was staying now. She wanted to tell him about the message, about the dreams, the photos — about every worry and thought and fear.

But she couldn’t. She wasn’t sure if she should.

Was there a reason that Grace had told him something else? Was there something that she didn’t know?

“What about this cabin?” he asked, waiting for her to speak.

But Ella shook her head. “It’s not really important,” she said.

Jake’s eyes were wide now, too. Concerned. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” she said. “I don’t know. The point is that Sydney and Ben, they just think I’m crazy for thinking about her all the time. For needing to know why she left. But I just feel like if I did, then maybe all the rest of it would make sense.”

He looked right at her then. “I don’t think I have the answer to that, Ella.”

“I know,” she said.

Jake paused. He took a deep breath. “I wish I did. I wish there was something I could do to make it better for you.”

And in a second, Ella had an idea. One that she knew she shouldn’t voice. One that she certainly shouldn’t suggest. But it was there, and she couldn’t ignore it, and if she went through with it, if she convinced him, then maybe she would find something that would make it all make sense. Maybe she could convince Sydney and Ben to actually believe her. Maybe she’d understand why Grace hadn’t told him the truth.

It was now or never.

“There might be something you can do,” she said, finally.

Jake perked up, and even though his mouth didn’t follow, his eyes smiled.

“What is it?” he asked. “Anything.”

“I’m afraid you’ll get mad,” she said.

“Just say it.”

Ella took a deep breath. She thought about the journal that was sitting right there on the dresser, that she could read if she only could get in there again. The journal that could have the answer that she needed.

She spit it out before she lost her nerve. “I want to see her room again, and I know Grace won’t allow it, and I know it’s not my place, and I know — ”

Jake started shaking his head.

“Don’t be mad,” she said. “Don’t be mad at me for asking. Please.”

He kept shaking. “No,” he said.

“I know. It’s too much.”

“No, not no. Not like that. I’m shaking my head because I can’t believe I’m about to say yes.”

“Wait, what?”

“I’ll help you.”

“Really?” she asked, relief flooding through her, and promise and possibility and excitement. She was getting closer. In some strange and stupid way she was getting closer to what she needed.

Jake nodded slowly. “Though Grace will kill me if she finds out.”

“I won’t tell her,” Ella said before he could change his mind. “I promise.”

“I know.”

“How are we going to do it?”

Jake laughed for a minute. “God, we sound like a pair of bad thieves.” He turned back to face her. “I’m off tomorrow — can you come then? Grace always goes out for a few hours in the morning.”

Ella nodded eagerly. “Yes. Of course. Yes.”

“Okay,” he said.

“Thank you so much, Jake,” she said. “I can’t believe you’re doing this for me.”

Jake shrugged. “You deserve it.”

And she felt just the slightest bit lighter, because she knew that he was right.

• • •

Ella walked briskly the next morning. It was a lovely day out. Too lovely. She wasn’t tired — she felt energized. She’d dreamed that she and Astrid were together in her house, in her room, the things Astrid had cherished spread out around them, the books and the makeup and the clothes and the pictures. Astrid opened her mouth. She moved her lips like she was speaking but no words came out. “Louder,” Ella said. “I can’t hear you.” But Astrid just kept moving her lips. Like she wanted to say something to her. Like she couldn’t.

Soon the house was right in front of her. It was still Astrid’s house. It always would be. She thought of the first time she’d been here. How Grace had opened the door for her and ushered her into the messy place. How it was fall and they ate tomato soup and grilled cheese while planning out their Halloween costumes. How Grace had seemed so carefree. She hadn’t made them clean up their dishes. She let them rip pages out of all her magazines. They’d looked in her bedroom where there was writing all over the walls. Not all of it made sense, but it was cool. Here was a house where you could write on the walls! Ella had stayed over, and Grace had let them stay up as late as they wanted. She played loud music long into the night. They’d had the house to themselves the next morning. Astrid said that any day she wasn’t working her mom would always sleep in really late, whereas Ella’s mom was always hassling her to be up by eight — even on a Saturday. But Grace wasn’t like that. With Grace, there were no rules.

Ella had never stopped to think whether Astrid had liked it that way. She’d never stopped to think what it was like when she wasn’t over. What it was like for Astrid then. She’d never stopped to think about what the writing on the wall actually meant.

Ella hovered on the sidewalk near the mailbox, hesitating to walk right up to the door. She felt like she was breaking some rule. Grace had invited her in once, and now she was taking advantage of that. But so many things had changed since then. Things didn’t make sense anymore. It wasn’t as simple as tomato soup.

She took out her phone and texted Jake:
I’m here. All good?

He responded almost immediately:
Yeah. She’s out.

Ella slipped her phone back inside her pocket and walked carefully towards the door. Jake opened it up before she could even knock.

He didn’t smile like he normally did. Maybe he was back to protect-the-family Jake. Maybe he thought that this was somehow wrong. And in a way it did feel wrong, sneaking around because the mother of your dead best friend would be mad if she knew what was actually going on. But Ella didn’t care, and apparently Jake didn’t either. He opened the door wide, and she carefully walked in.

It was weird being in the house with just Jake. In a way, she’d even call it exciting
.

“How’s your day?” he asked, standing in the hallway, obviously attempting to talk about anything other than the one person who’d brought them together. Who’d brought them here.

Ella smiled. “It kind of just started.”

Jake laughed. “Yeah, I guess it did.” He walked towards the kitchen, and she followed him in. It was the natural thing to do.

“Do you want, like, a drink or anything? Some water?” he asked.

Ella shook her head, and the two of them leaned against the countertops, facing each other. She shoved her hands in her pockets, and Jake stared at the ceiling. Why was this so hard? Why couldn’t she just go straight to the room she wanted, to the place that maybe, just maybe, had an answer for her? She knew why. Because she wasn’t supposed to be here. This wasn’t her family. This wasn’t her problem. This was his territory, and even though she was in the door, she felt like he was defending it, like he was walking the line between wanting to help her and keeping up the family status quo.

So she looked at him and said it with her eyes.
Please.

And even though he’d already said it was okay, he seemed to make a choice, to cross a line, right there in that moment. “I guess you just want to see her room,” he said. Ella nodded.

“Come on.”

They walked down the hall as if walking on a tightrope. Carefully.

Astrid’s door was shut tight. Like,
Keep out. You know you’re not supposed to be here.

“Jake,” Ella said, putting her hand on his arm, and he felt so warm and safe, she wished that she could touch more of him. She wished that she could touch all of him. She wished that she was allowed.

Jake turned to her.

“Thank you for doing this,” she said. “I know what a big deal it is.”

Jake nodded, and their eyes stayed locked. And they were so close, so painfully, excitedly close, that it felt like it would be wrong to pull away.

But Jake broke their gaze, placing his hand on the doorknob, turning it slowly. He walked in before her, and she followed quickly behind. It was the same as it had been before. Everything frozen in time, as if Astrid had never left.

Had she?

They stood there in the middle of the room, and for once she didn’t want Jake near her. She didn’t want Sydney, and she didn’t want Ben. She just wanted to be alone. She knew that she
had
to be here alone.

“Is it okay if I just sit here for awhile?”

Jake nodded. “I’m just going to watch TV,” he said, but before he left, he looked right at her. “Just try to keep things as they are,” he said. “I have a feeling Aunt Grace would notice.”

“Of course,” Ella said, even though she had no intention of following that rule. Jake pulled the door behind him, leaving it open just a crack.

As soon as he was gone, she walked straight to the dresser. She wanted to see it. She wanted to read it. She wanted to take it, damn it.

But she stopped short.

The necklace. Astrid’s necklace. The one she always wore. Every day. The one that she had died in.

It was hanging right there, right on Astrid’s jewelry tree. How had she not seen it before? And in an instant she realized what had bothered her so much at the wake — why she had looked so not like Astrid. It wasn’t just the makeup. It wasn’t just the dress. It was that she had never before seen Astrid without her necklace.

And in that moment, she realized that the necklace wasn’t buried with her like it should have been. Here it was, hanging with her other chains and lockets.

Why had this silly key been so important to her? Why hadn’t Grace let her wear it in her death? Ella had asked her once why she always wore it. Astrid simply told her it was the key to one of the drawers in the desk in her house — that she’d put it on long ago and liked it so much that she’d never taken it off.

That had been answer enough for Ella then. Now, it wasn’t.

She picked the necklace up, running her fingers along the slim, silky red ribbon that acted as the chain. She held the metal key in her hand — it was lighter than it looked. She squeezed tight, feeling the swirls at the top, the divots at the bottom, and she opened her hand back up.