The Amish Midwife (42 page)

“Okay,” James said. “As a first step, let me just say that I think it’s time
for Lexie and Ada to learn the truth. The whole truth. That’s why I wanted all of us to assemble here.”

“But they don’t—” Klara began.

“They already have pieces of the truth,” he continued, cutting her off, “which has been making things difficult for everyone. Trust me when I say that bringing all of this out into the open will be a relief, both to the people trying to put their stories together and to those who have been keeping secrets.”

Silenced, Klara pressed her lips together. Everyone else was quiet.

“So, Lexie,” James said, turning toward me. “Why don’t you tell us exactly what it is you want to know?”

I took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and then spoke.

“Who my birth parents really are. And Ada’s. Why I was given up—and Ada wasn’t. What Burke Bauer has to do with all of this. If Alexander is my father and, if not, why I was named after him. Why I was born in Montgomery County instead of here. Why my parents told me that my birth family loved me when obviously they—” I looked up at the faces surrounding me and corrected myself. “When obviously
you
didn’t.” I stopped abruptly and then added, “I guess that’s everything.”

“But we did love you,” Marta whispered. “I did.”

I met her eyes, ready to contradict her, but something in her expression made me realize that she was telling the truth.

“More importantly, Giselle loved you,” she continued, standing. “She loved you more than she ever loved anyone.”

“So why did she give me away? Why did you let her?”

Marta faltered, looking toward Klara. I looked at Klara as well, but she was staring intently at the floor now, arms crossed stubbornly over her chest. As my question hung in the air, unanswered, Marta slowly sat back down.

“Let me guess: It’s not your place.” I couldn’t help it, my voice dripped with sarcasm.

“All right. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves,” James told us. “Ada, now it’s your turn. What would you like to know?”

Ada grabbed my hand, and I could feel her tremble. Giving her a brave smile, I nodded, urging her with my eyes to go ahead and say what she was thinking.

“I do not…I have fewer questions than Lexie, of course. I just want to know who my birth mother and father were. Are.” Looking at me, she added, “And I want to know why I was denied my sister. For my whole life. Who had the right to take her away from me, and why?”

She squeezed my hand, not letting go.

“Very good,” James said, giving Ada an encouraging smile before again addressing the group. “Well, then why don’t we start with the most basic question? Who was Ada and Lexie’s biological mother?”

Mammi
and Marta both whispered her name at the same moment: “Giselle.”

Ada gasped and gripped my hand more tightly, her head turning toward Klara, the woman she had always considered her only
mamm
.

Klara wouldn’t meet her daughter’s eyes, but she spoke in a near mumble.

“I couldn’t have any children of my own. When Giselle got pregnant the second time, I agreed to take the child, on one condition.”

“And what was that condition?” James asked gently, but Klara merely shook her head and would not answer. After a beat, he spoke again. “Okay, we’ll come back to that. At least we know that Giselle was the mother. So, moving along for now, who was Ada and Lexie’s biological father?”

Ada and I both looked at Alexander hopefully, but he looked back at Ada and shook his head, pausing to brush a tear from his cheek with thick, rough-skinned fingers.

“In my heart, I always was and always will be your father, Ada,” he said, the pain of this moment clearly written on his face.

“You’re exactly right,” James said, “but right now, we’re asking about the
biological
father,” James reminded him. “Are you their biological father?”

Sadly, Alexander shook his head no.

“Who, then?” I demanded, looking to James, wondering if we would have to do something more drastic to get to the truth.

“Burke Bauer,”
Mammi
said simply. “I already told you, Alexandra. Your father was Burke Bauer. What I didn’t say was that Burke was Ada’s father too.”

I let go of my sister’s hand so I could massage my temples. I had a terrible headache, but I needed to stay focused.

“Why don’t you give us some details?” James suggested, making eye contact with
Mammi
.

In response, my grandmother launched into the same story she had laid out for me before, explaining how the beautiful Giselle had obtained a job at the nursery and fallen into a very secret, very discreet affair with her wealthy, older, and married boss. When she got to the part about Bauer’s hold over Giselle, about how the girl couldn’t seem to stay away from him because “he was like a drug to her,” James interrupted, asking if Bauer had been a harsh person, if he’d had a cruel streak.

“Not that I know of,”
Mammi
replied.

“Quite the opposite,” Marta added. “For all his faults, Burke Bauer was a very gentle man. Almost to a fault, actually.”

I stared at Marta, wondering how she would know that. She had only been a young girl at the time, just eleven years old or so when Giselle and Burke and had first become involved. Why would Marta have had any sort of interaction with Bauer at all?

“I see,” James said, interrupting my thoughts. “Then their relationship is fairly understandable, though of course still inexcusable. We know that Giselle was terribly mistreated by her own father when she was young. It’s not much of a stretch to see why she would be drawn to an older man later in life, especially one who seemed kind and gentle. My guess is that Bauer’s love soothed the wounds inside of Giselle, wounds that had been inflicted years before by her own father.”

Mammi
seemed to process that, as did we all. I knew there was never, ever an excuse for infidelity, but at least James’s logic helped us better understand what kept driving Giselle back to Burke Bauer’s arms—even though she knew it was wrong, even though he already had a wife and child.

“Please continue with what you were saying,” James prodded, and I recognized the reassuring half smile that he was giving to
Mammi
. “If Giselle and Burke were so discreet, how did you find out about their affair?”

Mammi
’s eyes filled with tears.

“It was all my fault,” she said. “If I hadn’t sent Klara over to get her that night, if Alexander hadn’t gone with her and then gone inside…”

She began to sob quietly, and when it was clear she couldn’t continue, James tried another approach.

“Alexander? If you know what she’s talking about, why don’t you take it from there.”

Nodding, Alexander cleared his throat and then spoke.

“Klara and I were courting,” he said softly, “and I was over to see her one evening. Of course, Giselle and Marta were still living here as well.”

He glanced at Marta, who gave him an encouraging, sisterly nod. He continued.

“
Mammi
got word that Giselle would have to work late at the office but not to wait up, that she would be home after she was finished. I think Giselle was eighteen then, on
rumschpringe
, so Klara and I were not concerned when she hadn’t shown up by the time I left. We both assumed that Giselle had left work and gone directly out with friends, perhaps to a party or two. It was a Friday night, you see, and Giselle often disappeared on the weekends.” Alexander looked over at James and me, pausing to explain. “Some kids tend to… uh… exploit their time of
rumschpringe
more than others. You might say that Giselle was one of those.”

Klara glanced sharply at Alexander and then returned her gaze to the floor.

“In any event,” he went on, “I had gone over to the Gundy place where I was boarding because I worked for Benjamin.
Mammi
was a worrier, so when it grew very late and still Giselle had not come home, she woke Klara and asked her to take the buggy over to the nursery to see if she could find out what had happened. She came and got me to go with her. We thought
Mammi
was concerned over nothing, but she was so agitated by that point that Klara was willing to do as she asked and I was willing to help her.”

At that
Mammi
’s sobs grew louder still.

“When we reached the nursery, things seemed quiet and empty. But there was a light on in the main building and a single car in the parking lot, so I thought we should take a look inside. I left Klara with the horse, saying I would be right back.”

It wasn’t until that moment that I realized what was coming next. Sure enough, Alexander went on to tell us that when he got up to the office, he discovered that the only ones there were Giselle and her boss, but that they had definitely
not
been working.

“They had… uh… fallen asleep in each others’ arms,” Alexander said, not needing to elaborate. “I tiptoed away and got myself out of there, rejoined Klara in the buggy, and drove away. Apparently, Giselle was completely unaware that I had been there at all.”

“Did you tell
Mammi
what you’d seen?” I whispered.

He shook his head.

“No. I simply said that Giselle was still at the office, and that if I were
Mammi
I would not wait up. Then Klara and I tended to the horse, put away the buggy, and said goodnight. My long walk back to the Gundy place gave me plenty of time for thought and prayer.”

Klara interrupted suddenly, her voice sharp as glass.

“My husband is leaving out an important detail. He chose not to tell
me
what he had seen either. That was his first big mistake.”

“Klara—”

“If you had been honest with me from the start, Alexander, perhaps none of the rest of it would have happened.”

He shrugged, looking to James.

“Regardless of what my wife is saying,” he explained, two bright blotches of pink appearing on his cheeks as he spoke, “please understand that this is the Amish way. We do not speak openly of private matters, of sexual intimacy. Between a man and his wife as God intended, yes, there is total freedom of words there. But not to others, and not
of
others. It was not my place to speak of the intimacies of my future sister-in-law. Giselle was an adult. What she did in her more private moments back then was between her and God. The most I could do was pray for her. Which I did after that, regularly and with deep concern. She was going to be my new sister, and though she was a very troubled girl, I loved her.” At Klara’s scowl, he added defiantly, “I loved her very much. As a
sister
.”

Turning away, Klara recrossed her arms over her chest, set her jaw tightly, and slunk further into her seat.

“If you didn’t tell
Mammi
about the affair, how did she find out?” I asked, wanting to get back on track.

“Eventually, once Klara and I were married and I was living here as well, Giselle began…showing signs,” Alexander replied. “That is when I knew I had no choice.”

“You mean signs that she was pregnant? Morning sickness? Baggy clothes? Things like that?”

“Yes,” Alexander replied. “Once I realized what was going on, I decided my best course of action was to speak to Giselle directly. So I did, telling her that I knew about her and Bauer, and that I suspected that she was
with child. Much to my surprise, she responded by denying everything, claiming instead that I had designs on her, that I was—how did she put it?—playing out my own fantasies by conjuring up lies regarding her with other men.” Again, this sweet fellow’s cheeks colored brightly.

“The best defense is a good offense,” James offered, and after a moment Alexander’s eyes widened and then he began nodding vigorously, as if James had just handed him the missing piece to a lifelong puzzle.

“That is it exactly. By making such claims about me, Giselle may have been able to avoid the real issue for a while, but, unfortunately, by so doing she also planted doubts in the mind of my wife.”

“And that was his second mistake,” Klara added with a huff. “Not telling me then, either.”

Much to my surprise, Alexander nodded.

“You are right, Klara. At that point I should have told you everything. I was wrong, but my motives were pure. Truly, I wanted to protect you.”

“Protect me? From what?” she sneered.

“From the uglier things of this world. From the nature of Giselle’s sin. From the knowledge that even as God seemed to have chosen not to bless you and me with a child, in His unique wisdom He had not withheld that same blessing from your unmarried sister.”

Klara’s mouth worked silently for a moment, again making her look like a fish. The cold truth of her husband’s words seemed to shut her up, at least temporarily, and I was glad.

“After talking with the bishop about the situation at length,” Alexander continued, speaking now mostly to Ada and me, “I followed his advice and spoke to
Mammi
about it. She already had her own suspicions about a pregnancy, and once she learned that Giselle had a lover, those suspicions were confirmed. I told
Mammi
everything I knew and had no more involvement after that.” Glancing at Klara, he added, “Except, of course, to defend myself against Giselle’s insinuations. And Klara’s response to them. Over and over for the rest of my life.”

After an awkward silence, James turned to
Mammi
, whose sobs had quieted at last.

“Can you tell us what happened next? Did you confront your daughter? What made her decide to give the baby up for adoption?”

Mammi
looked back at him helplessly and shook her head, though
whether she was unwilling or unable to speak I wasn’t sure. After that, to my surprise Marta cleared her throat and picked up the story.

“I wasn’t quite twelve when all of that was going on, but I can tell you how things went from my perspective.”

We nodded at her.

“I remember a lot of drama, a lot of fighting. Giselle yelling at
Mammi
and slamming doors. Klara screaming at Alexander and sometimes even making him sleep in the barn. Once, I overheard a whispered conversation between Alexander and Giselle myself. Even though I knew it was none of my business, I listened anyway. I don’t remember the specifics, but I do recall that I never heard anything to justify Klara’s suspicions about the two of them. Mostly, I remember feeling bad for Alexander, because he was sweet and Giselle wasn’t herself at all, she was so mean to him. She had a sharp side to her, one that came out when she felt cornered. She hated hearing when she’d done something wrong, even if she knew it was true. Like James said, Giselle’s best defense had always been to go on the offense. And so she did. With a vengeance.”