Authors: Amy Gutman
speak.
9
“When Steven was arrested in Nashville, we’d been dating for 10
several years.”
11
“Jesus.” Rick’s voice was incredulous. “That . . . that girl who 12
testified against him. That . . . that was you?”
13
Callie slowly nodded.
14
There. It was done.
15
But before she realized what was happening, Rick was off the 16
couch. In an instant he was there beside her, grabbing hold of 17
her arms. Roughly, he pushed a sleeve up, exposing the soft, 18
scarred flesh.
19
“Did he do this to you? Is that where these came from?” His 20
voice was thick with feeling. He was angry, though not with her.
21
Quickly, Callie pulled down the sleeve, cradled her arms to her 22
body.
23
“No,” she said softly. “I did that myself.”
24
Rick was looking hard at her. He didn’t quite believe her. But 25
the time for lies was over. It was time to tell the truth.
26
“As a kid, the depression wasn’t too bad, but by high school, it 27
was pretty awful. Sometimes I had the strangest feeling that I 28
barely even existed. When I cut myself, that feeling went away.
29
And it didn’t hurt, not at first. It gave me this sense of euphoria.
30
It took away the pain. For once, I felt in control of my life. I felt 31
like no one could touch me.”
32
“Gage — he did that to the women he killed. He cut their 33
arms like that.”
34
Nodding slowly, Callie fingered an arm through the fabric of 35 S
her sleeve. The scars had faded with the passage of time, but 36 R
they’d never disappear.
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“The night when I first met Steven, he saw the marks on my 1
arms. I was working as a waitress in a restaurant where the uni-2
forms had short sleeves. I can still picture that blouse we wore, 3
white cotton with orange piping. In a way, it was a blessing be-4
cause I had to control myself. Fresh cuts, especially if they were 5
deep, would have drawn attention. I really needed the job. I told 6
myself I couldn’t risk it.
7
“Then, two nights before Steven came in, I had a sort of re-8
lapse. I drank a bunch of vodka and made a new row of cuts. The 9
next day, I called in sick, but I was scared to do it again. I ban-10
daged up the worst of them and tried to keep my arms down. But 11
while I was taking Steven’s order, I could tell he saw the cuts. He 12
was telling me what he wanted to eat, but his eyes were on my 13
arms. He didn’t say anything that night, but he came back a week 14
later. This time, he asked me out for drinks.
15
“We went to the Wursthaus in Harvard Square and drank a lot 16
of beer. At first, I thought maybe he was a shrink and wanted to 17
give me advice. But he didn’t talk about the cuts at first, even 18
though he kept looking at them. Then after maybe an hour or so, 19
he reached out and touched them. He told me they were beauti-20
ful, like some kind of art. Even though I was pretty drunk, I knew 21
this was weird. At the same time, I immediately had this incred-22
ible sense of relief. Someone had embraced the part of me that I 23
was most ashamed of. It wasn’t really me that he was seeing, but 24
I didn’t know that then.”
25
“What do you mean it wasn’t you?”
26
Callie dropped her eyes. “It had to do with his mother. When 27
Steven was three years old, she tried to kill herself. He found her 28
naked on the bathroom floor, wrists slit, bleeding to death. You’d 29
never have guessed, but his mother — she used to look like the 30
victims. Slim, blonde, beautiful really. Just like the girls he 31
killed.”
32
“That part . . . I never heard about that.”
33
“Sometimes, I’d wake up and see Steven staring at my arms.
34
The scars on my arms, I mean. I think he used them to fuel his S 35
fantasies. I reminded him of his mother.”
R 36
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“You can’t know that for sure,” Rick said.
2
“I’m pretty sure,” said Callie.
3
She waited for Rick to contradict her, but he didn’t say any-4
thing.
5
“The cutting, how long did you do it?” Rick’s voice was gentle.
6
His voice told Callie that he didn’t care, didn’t mind that she’d 7
lied. With a sort of wonder, she realized that Rick still loved her.
8
And yet, this fact didn’t seem to matter. Her own heart was 9
frozen.
10
“For eight or nine years,” she said, answering his question. “It 11
started when I was in high school, went on until Anna was born.”
12
“Do you miss it?” he asked.
13
She gave an awkward shrug. “I miss the relief it used to bring, 14
but I know it wouldn’t work now. It’s like drinking or anything 15
else that you turn to for escape. You feel better temporarily, then 16
it just makes things worse. I miss what I thought it could do for 17
me, free me from my fears. But that was an illusion, anyway. So I 18
guess I don’t miss it, really.”
19
Rick wandered over to a window and stared out into the rain.
20
For some reason, the sight of his back made her feel infinitely 21
lonely.
22
“Why didn’t you tell me?” It was the question she’d waited for.
23
“I . . . I don’t know. It’s hard for me to trust people, to trust 24
men especially. But I trusted you a lot, more than anyone in a 25
long time. You had a secret too, you know. You should under-26
stand.”
27
“It’s different,” he said. “I lied to you. There wasn’t a clear way 28
out. But you . . . all you did was withhold something. It’s really 29
not the same.”
30
Callie thought a moment. “I guess I don’t see it that way. I was 31
talking to someone recently, this woman lawyer I know. She said 32
that there’s this securities law that requires you to give informa-33
tion, that just because you don’t lie straight out doesn’t mean 34
you’re okay. She has this idea that relationships should be held to 35 S
that same standard. A duty to disclose, she called it. I sort of agree 36 R
with that.”
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“We’re people, Callie, human beings. All of us make mistakes.”
1
“And mistakes have consequences.”
2
Too late, she saw him wince.
3
“I didn’t mean that the way it sounded. I didn’t mean . . . you 4
know.”
5
Another long silence, filled with the sound of rain.
6
“I still don’t understand,” Rick said finally, “why you didn’t tell 7
me. I know you, Callie. You’re an honest person. You wouldn’t 8
want to live like that. It’s one of the reasons I felt so bad after I’d 9
lied to you.”
10
Callie’s body stiffened. “You don’t know me so well. Don’t you 11
see that now?”
12
“But I think I do,” Rick said slowly. “Sometimes better than 13
you know yourself. And I know that this isn’t like you. It’s just 14
not something you’d do.”
15
A buzzing sensation in Callie’s body, a warning of danger 16
ahead. There was so much she hadn’t told him yet, but it was 17
time for Rick to go.
18
“It’s getting late,” she said, glancing toward the door.
19
But Rick stayed exactly where he was, a strange new look on 20
his face.
21
“Anna,” he said softly. “It’s Anna, isn’t it?”
22
Callie licked her lips. “I don’t know what you mean.”
23
But Rick’s eyes were wider now, as if he’d grasped a truth.
24
“Anna is Steven Gage’s daughter. You didn’t want to tell her.”
25
A cold wind was blowing through her. Her heart was an open 26
door.
27
This wasn’t, couldn’t be, happening.
28
How could he have known?
29
30
h
31
Rain was coming down in heavy sheets, obscuring the road 32
ahead. Mike Jamison was doing seventy-five on the dark, unfa-33
miliar highway. The sullen glow of his headlights faded into the 34
night. Windshield wipers slapped back and forth, giving flashes of S 35
clarity.
R 36
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But he wasn’t thinking about the weather; his thoughts were 2
on Lester Crain.
Lester Crain was in custody.
He still couldn’t be-3
lieve it. Crain had been apprehended earlier that night after run-4
ning a red light. When he refused to pull over, a chase had 5
ensued, until, finally, he was cornered. He’d been driving a stolen 6
Toyota Camry and carrying false IDs. The driver claimed his 7
name was Peter Welch, but his fingerprints matched Crain’s.
8
Jamison swung into the police barracks parking lot, back 9
where he’d started the day. There was a handful of cars by the 10
building’s entrance. No TV trucks yet. The radio call must have 11
gone out as a traffic violation. The reporters would be pissed as 12
hell when they discovered what they’d missed.
13
He gave his name to a receptionist and was quickly ushered 14
back. In the observation room, he joined the onlookers gazing 15
through the one-way glass. He saw Lambert at the end of the line, 16
several guys he didn’t know. The rock-faced one in a dark suit he 17
took for FBI. There was one woman in the gathering, in a 18
pantsuit and horn-rimmed glasses. Her hair was cut in a short 19
blonde bob. She reminded him of Melanie.
20
Taking his place in the silent group, he saw Lester Crain.
21
There was something surreal about finding Crain here, in this 22
small-town state police barracks. For years he’d eluded capture by 23
the nation’s top law officers. And now, when they’d all but given 24
up, here he finally was.
25
Crain was slightly built with a concave chest and a ferretlike 26
face. There was nothing especially striking about him. Your basic 27
low-life punk. His green T-shirt was crumpled and stained. He 28
looked like he must smell.
29
Ed Farrell, the state police detective, was in the room with 30
Crain. He stood against a wall, gazing down at Crain, wearing a 31
sour expression.
32
“You’re not helping yourself, Lester. We already know you’re 33
lying.” Farrell’s voice echoed through the scratchy intercom.
34
“Not lyin’,” Crain mumbled. “You fuckin’ don’t know a thing.”
35 S
He slid farther down in the wooden chair and thrust out his lower 36 R
lip.
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“Stupid-ass cops,” Crain muttered, to no one in particular.
1
Jamison felt a hand on his shoulder. “Hey.” It was Lambert.
2
“Congratulations,” Jamison said, keeping his voice low.
3
“Thanks,” Lambert whispered back. “Pretty amazing, huh?”
4
“Damn right.” Jamison was watching Crain. “How’s it going 5
so far?”
6
“He threw us a hell of a twist right before you got here. He de-7
nies having anything to do with Posy Kisch’s death. But he ad-8
mits to killing Diane Massey and to kidnapping Anna Thayer.”
9
Impossible,
Jamison thought. He doesn’t work like that. If 10
Crain had abducted Anna Thayer, she wouldn’t be alive.
11
“He’s lying,” Jamison said flatly. “We know that he killed 12
Kisch. The DNA, the signature — everything adds up. He didn’t 13
kill Massey, though, or kidnap the Thayer girl. For some reason, 14
he wants us to believe that he did. The question now is why?”
15
Inside the interrogation room, Farrell was talking again.
16
“Okay,” he said. “You killed Diane Massey. So tell me about 17
that, Lester. I want to know the details. Tell me how it went 18
down.”
19
Crain’s lips twitched up in a cold smile. “I hit her,” he said. “I 20
was pretty drunk. I don’t recall with what. Probably something I 21
found near there. I just don’t recall.”
22
“You
don’t recall,
” Farrell said. “So why should I believe you?”
23
Crain ignored the question. “And I strangled her,” he said.
24
“You strangled her,” Farrell repeated. “I don’t suppose you rec-25
ollect what sort of tie you used?”
26
“It’s called a ligature,” said Crain.
27
“Okay. Ligature.”
28
Crain smiled to himself, as if remembering. “Black panty 29