“C
arter, relax. If
Reed is as special as I’m guessing, everything will work out fine.”
Unable to control his pacing, Carter continued to walk up and down the hallway, waiting for Reed to show. Luckily Jacks didn’t have school tomorrow because it was some administrative day, so Carter had planned a surprise for when Reed came over. Knowing how much Jacks loved art and that his doctors and aides used it as therapy over the years, Carter signed them all up for a pottery painting class tonight. They served pizza and juice to the kids and wine to the adults if they wanted.
“Yeah? I hope so.” He stopped for a moment and scrubbed his hands over his face. “You think I’m doing the right thing, don’t you? What’s best for him, I mean.”
Among the myriad of other reasons why Helen had become almost like a surrogate mother to both him and Jacks was her unshakable honesty. If she thought he wasn’t proceeding on a course that best worked for Jacks, she told him so.
“Absolutely. And it’s not only Jacks I’m thinking of.” She crossed the room to put a hand on his shoulder. “You’ve become like the son I never had. You think I’m helping you, but you have no idea how much you’ve helped me these years. After Marty died so suddenly, I was lost; I had no clue what to do with myself. We were never able to have children, but it almost didn’t matter; being a teacher gave me a new family to love every year. All that was lost to me when I retired. Finding you and Jackson gave me a purpose and a reason to get up every morning once again.”
Life could be so fucking unfair. Here was Helen, the best person he’d ever known who, though she lost her husband young and wasn’t able to have children of her own, never held a grudge or became bitter. Instead she focused on the positive and helping others. Unlike his own mother who considered her children burdens and couldn’t wait to dump her responsibility for them on someone else.
“Neither one of us would be at this point without you. Jacks and I owe you more than we can ever hope to repay. And I know I haven’t said it enough, because I’m a thoughtless bastard, so thank you.”
Her blue eyes shone with good humor. “Not completely, at least not anymore. I noticed the change about three or four months ago.”
When he began to fall for Reed. Had he known back then how much Reed would come to mean to him, Carter might never have continued with the relationship; he’d have done what he did best and shut it down by running away. Running away before he allowed himself to feel and care. Running away from the best thing he’d ever found.
The bell rang.
“Is that Reed? Go on, let him in.” Helen wiped her eyes, smoothed her hair and straightened her blouse. Carter watched, amused and touched by her caring.
Surprising both Helen and himself, Carter leaned down and kissed her cheek. “Oh, he’s going to love you, don’t worry.”
“Let your boyfriend in.” She snapped a dishtowel at him, grazing his ass.
Boyfriend. He shook his head. Who the hell would have ever thought that? Chuckling, he walked down the hallway and opened the door. Reed stood on the stoop, his backpack over his shoulder. He gave Carter a slightly tense smile.
“Hi.”
“Hi yourself.” He leaned against the doorframe, wanting a few moments alone together before Helen and Jacks joined them. “How was your day?”
“Uh, good, thanks. Listen.” Reed’s gaze darted over his shoulder, then focused back on Carter. “Are you sure this is the right thing? I don’t want to push Jacks.”
Carter moved close enough to feel Reed’s breath upon his cheek. “Last night you thought it was. What changed your mind?”
Golden heat rose in Reed’s eyes. “Last night you could’ve gotten me to agree to almost anything. In case you haven’t noticed, you’re very persuasive.”
“I like persuading you.” Carter slid his hand around Reed’s neck, enjoying the hitch in Reed’s breathing. His fingers skimmed light and teasing along his shoulder, drawing him close. “It’s one of my favorite things to do. Now be quiet while I persuade you some more.”
He kissed Reed, their lips softening against one another, and immediately Carter felt the beginning of that familiar buildup of want and need that always occurred whenever he touched Reed. He pushed his tongue into Reed’s mouth, tangling with Reed’s, fighting the urge to crush their mouths together. The small, distinct sounds of desire from Reed didn’t make it any easier for Carter to slow down and taste Reed, drinking in his sweetness and passion.
They stayed that way on his stoop, holding each other, Carter’s kisses replacing the words he sometimes felt too overwhelmed to speak out loud. Several moments passed until his muddled brain began to work, and he realized it might be time to bring the public display inside. With regret, Carter pulled away from Reed, who stood, lips dark and swollen and gasping for breath. The naked hunger in his eyes had Carter reaching for him again until a voice behind him called out.
“Carter? Where are you?”
He stiffened and pulled back from Reed at the sound of Jacks’s voice. He’d had a little resistance this morning convincing Jacks that having Reed join them would be fun; the last thing he wanted was to push his relationship with Reed in Jacks’s face. Slow and easy was the right way to go. Carter knew it would take some time for Jacks to warm up to Reed. It had taken him almost a year before that one special night when he gave Carter a hug and told him he loved him, and they were brothers. Jacks’s reticence, and holding back wasn’t disapproval. For throwaway kids like them, it was called survival. If he didn’t get close to people, he couldn’t miss them when they eventually left. Because before Reed, the one thing Carter knew, was everyone left in the end. They only pretended to care.
“Come on in. And yes, I’m sure. It will work out.” He opened the door wide, and Reed, tense once again, walked past him into the house. He set his backpack on the stairs’ landing and followed him down the hall.
Jacks stood at the kitchen entrance at the end of the hallway with Helen. Her hands rested on his shoulders, and Carter wondered if she did it deliberately for comfort and to keep him centered. Jacks’s gaze honed in on Reed behind him, and if his face didn’t register outright hostility, neither did it radiate friendliness.
“Helen, this is Reed. Reed, Helen saves my life every day.”
“Don’t be silly.” She held out her hand to Reed. They exchanged smiles. “It’s lovely to finally meet you.”
“Jacks, remember Reed from the weekend?” At his nod, Carter continued. “I invited him to come to pizza and painting with us.”
“Okay.” Jacks shrugged, and Helen whispered something to him. “Thanks for coming.”
“Oh, wait.” Reed ran back to the stairs where he’d left his backpack and came back with a bag in his hand. “I got you a present, Jacks. I hope you like it.”
They all watched as Jacks opened the bag and pulled out a set of colored pencils, a sketchpad, and several coloring books. His eyes grew huge, and a smile broke across his face. The hopeful smile on Reed’s face made Carter want to hug him. How thoughtful of Reed to remember him mentioning that Jacks loved drawing; he might have noticed all the drawings on the walls from the other day as well. He squeezed Reed’s arm.
“When I was your age I drew a lot. Especially after my mom left. My dad got me into art therapy, and somewhere I still have those pictures. They weren’t happy, but I could express everything I couldn’t say out loud sometimes.”
Something stirred deep within Carter, rolling through him with such strength he almost felt dizzy. This right here, these people were now his world—the family he’d always craved yet never imagined possible. A shiver rippled through him, and Carter blinked against the stinging wetness in his eyes.
“I like to draw too.” Jacks traced the edge of the box of pencils with a finger. Carter strained to hear his soft voice. “I go to art therapy in school, and my teacher says my pictures are really good.”
“I bet they are. And it helps.” Reed leaned against the wall, his concentration solely on Jacks. “Sometimes you can’t say what you think, but you can draw it, right?”
Carter held his breath, and he felt Helen move closer and hold his arm.
He might not be looking at Reed, yet Carter knew Jacks spoke directly to him. “Yeah. My mom left me ’cause she said she couldn’t deal with me and my problems.” Jacks slanted a look up at Reed, and the hurt and confusion in his eyes almost broke Carter’s heart. “She’d call me stupid and told me to shut up so I did. I guess because I stopped speaking she thought I stopped listening when she complained about me. But I heard everything she said to her boyfriends. It made me feel bad.”
“I get it. My mom was the same, except she said it to my face. When she left, even though I loved her, I thought I hated her too. I was glad she was gone and it was just me and my dad.” Reed pointed to the coloring books. “I used to draw mean pictures until I stopped being angry.”
“Reed’s wonderful with him,” Helen whispered in his ear. “Why was he so worried?”
Carter had no answer but knew it had to do with Reed’s anxiety. The way Reed explained it, the more he tried to reason with himself that he had no cause to be anxious, the more anxious he became. Watching the two of them interact, seeing Reed draw out confessions from Jacks even he hadn’t heard, Carter knew everything would be all right, not only between himself and Reed but with Jacks and Reed as well.
Without another word, Jacks took the pencils and coloring books, walked into the kitchen, and put them on the big island, then returned to them. Carter couldn’t take his eyes off of his little brother, the love for him so deep and strong it was impossible to imagine life without him now.
“Can we go? I want to go paint.”
“Sure, buddy. Let’s go. We’ll walk Helen home too.”
They all put their jackets on, and Carter locked the door behind when they left. Walking in the early spring evening air, Reed stayed behind with Jacks while Carter accompanied Helen to her door.
“I got the chills watching Reed with Jacks. He’s a special man, and you better hold on tight to him.”
He gave her a kiss on the cheek.
“Not a problem. Holding Reed happens to be one of my favorite things to do.”
Impulsively, Helen kissed him back. “I never thought I’d see you this happy. I can’t tell you how thrilled I am. You deserve it, so very much.”
Unable to wipe the smile from his face, Carter waited until Helen went inside, turned on the lights, and locked the door behind her.
Upon rejoining Reed and Jacks, they continued to walk to the painting studio, and Carter listened to their conversation, which had returned to their discussion of their respective mothers. Carter allowed the two of them to walk ahead of him, and he wondered if Reed even understood how monumental it was for Jacks to be opening up so freely to him. Kindred spirits recognized each other, and Jacks naturally gravitated toward Reed, whose confession about his mother’s abandonment sounded uncannily close to Jacks’s own.
“It took me years before I could understand why my mom left. I don’t hate her anymore; you know why?”
“Uh-uh.” Jacks stuffed his hands in his pockets. “Why?”
“I feel sorry for her instead ’cause I know I’m a nice person. And smart. So she missed out on having me as a kid. It was her loss, not mine. Same for you.”
“Me?”
“Yeah. Definitely. Your mom lost out on having both you and Carter. I think you’re both pretty special, and I’m guessing she doesn’t have anyone who could ever replace you guys.”
Carter refused to cry, so it must be those damn allergies that made him sniffle and rub at his eyes. He couldn’t have been a complete shit if someone like Reed said he loved him.
They reached the studio and entered. Long wooden tables with benches took up the rear of the space, and Carter spotted groups of paint pots and brushes at each one. The front of the studio had unpainted pots and figurines, and Carter watched as Jacks allowed Reed to take his coat; then he joined the other kids in picking out what he wanted to paint. Glowing, Reed joined him at the opposite side of the studio.
“I think he’s warming up to me.”
Giving Reed a smirk, Carter skimmed his hand over Reed’s jaw, rubbing the pad of his thumb over Reed’s lips. “I’m always hot for you. I promise to show you later just how much.”
“Idiot.” But Reed smiled as he said it.
“I told you he’d love you once you gave him the chance and didn’t run away from it.” Carter slipped his hand around Reed’s neck, forcing him to look straight into his eyes. “I don’t care if you have anxiety or ADHD or any other initial in the alphabet. I’m not going anywhere. Understand?”
Reed’s smile dimmed. “Your concentration needs to be solely on Jacks and his recovery. Not me.”
“And it has been for three years. But he’s grown so much this past year, perhaps he’s ready to take a new step and allow other people into his life.” Carter brushed their lips together. “Like I did. You know I never intended to fall in love with you, but,”—he shrugged—“I guess it’s true when they say you can’t control your heart forever. I’d stuffed it away for so long that I thought I had it all under control.”
“You were tough,” said Reed, humor making his eyes shine with golden light. “But I saw your soft side almost from the first. You couldn’t hide it even if you tried.”
Fascinated by Reed’s insight, Carter smiled and waved at Jacks who sat at a table with the rest of the kids. Six months ago, a night like this would have been impossible.
“And here I thought I was such a tough bastard.” Not really, though. At least not with Reed. “Let’s sit where we can talk and watch Jacks.”
They walked to the space set up for the parents, but Carter made no move to join any of them. Reed pulled out a chair at a table for two, and Carter joined him. A bottle of wine and two glasses sat in the center next to a glass jar filled with spring flowers. Reed poured them each a glass of red wine.
Cradling the glass between his palms, Reed stared into its smooth ruby depths. “You
were
a complete bastard at times, but then you’d do something sweet and thoughtful. I didn’t know what to make of you.”
“I had no idea either.” Carter sipped the wine, savoring the sweet, rich taste bursting in his mouth. “I had no experience dating or being in a relationship. I only knew I couldn’t see you be with anyone but me.”