The Art of Unpacking Your Life (19 page)

‘Dawn. It was an emergency. Isobel—'

‘Dawn is okay?' Katherine asked. ‘I mean, physically. She's going to be all right?'

Matt nodded silently.

She hushed him, as Connie had done, and took him back in her arms again. He thought he couldn't cry any more. The tears exploded. The stress, the grief and the pain, not only in the last twenty-four hours, but the last few years of trying for a baby.

Katherine spoke softly. ‘I had this terrible feeling. It was wrong to me. Right from the beginning. It was wrong to ask Dawn to carry a child for us. I tried to hide it but I felt guilty. Thank God, she is okay. I couldn't have lived with myself if anything had happened to her. How must she be feeling? Oh my God, Matt, what have we done?'

She cried. Her tears weren't angry, but remorseful.

Matt was overwhelmed with gratitude and the realisation of Katherine's inner strength. He was in awe of her, as he had been on that first night in Minetta Tavern. He saw what he had loved in her: beauty, intelligence, physical fragility and mental strength and sure-footedness. Matt was emotional and physically clumsy. Annabel had only exaggerated this weakness in him. Katherine made him feel light on his feet, light in his soul. How had he forgotten it?

‘It's totally insane. But it is a kind of relief,' she said gently. ‘I don't mean that I wanted Dawn to lose our baby. Oh God, no. But it is a sign to me that it was never right. This baby was not meant to come into the world. Do you see?'

He whispered into her neck. ‘I thought you'd go mad with grief and dump me.'

‘Oh Matt. Don't be crazy,' she lifted his head to hers. ‘I love you. I couldn't survive without you, Matt. We will be all right. Really, truly. I promise you.'

They were silent.

‘Matt, honey, I have to call Dawn. We have to be there for her. God knows. How can I ever make amends?' Katherine's eyes watered again.

‘Of course. You are right,' Matt nodded numbly. ‘I'll talk to her as well.'

‘Well, honey, if you are up to it. I think that it's really important.'

‘Yes. Of course,' Matt paused.

He was ashamed of himself for telling his friends first, even if it was Dan, Connie and Luke. What had he been thinking? ‘Katherine, I was out of my depth… I lost a sense of what was important.'

Katherine reached for him and was about to speak, but he stopped her. He had to finish.

‘It's you, Katherine. When you floated up to me in New York, you changed my life. I have been incredibly happy since I met you. Somehow in this fight to have a baby, I lost sight of that. I love you. I am proud of you. Especially now.'

Katherine wiped her eyes. ‘Oh, Matt. You have such a big heart. That is why I married you, honey. No man has ever been as good to me. I thank my stars ever day for you.'

As they kissed, Matt knew what he wanted to do. He couldn't make a baby, but he could make love to his wife.

Luke watched Connie from the top of the spiral stairs. She was sitting cross-legged on the floor, poring over a large old book. Her knees were pointing sharply out of her leggings. Luke had been looking everywhere for her. He wanted to see her alone. He hoped to make sense of last night, before they went out riding together.

He woke early with a sense of dread. Why had he told Connie about Emma? It was humiliating. She was bound to share it with someone. As his head pounded, he imagined her telling Julian. He avoided breakfast and had two large coffees in his house. After the second one, he walked into the bathroom. He took off his T-shirt and turned to look over his shoulder at his back. At least he hadn't been drunk enough to show it to Connie.

Connie was absorbed by the book she was reading. Part of him wanted to leave her in peace but his fear of exposure pushed him forward. ‘Connie.'

‘Luke.' She didn't look up.

She clearly couldn't bear to look at him. ‘About last night…' What a cliché. He was a cliché of a battered man.

She slowly lifted her head from the book. ‘Can I show you something?'

He nodded numbly. He sat down on the edge of the sofa, conscious yet again of her legs. She moved the book on to his lap. It was a photography book open at a page
with a large black and white photo. A desolate, neglected African bush scene spread across the page.

‘This was Gae in the 1940s, before my grandfather bought the land.'

‘It's been totally transformed,' Luke acknowledged. ‘Was he responsible?'

Connie nodded enthusiastically. ‘The most amazing thing was he bought it as a hunting lodge, but then fell in love with the place. He was one of the first proper conservationists in Africa.'

‘Amazing. Really impressive. Why did he do it? He must have left notes or something.'

‘Yes, I was thinking exactly the same thing. I have asked, but I am going to keep looking through these shelves.'

Luke wondered whether he should pretend that they never had the conversation about Emma. It was perfectly possible. They had shut out most difficult conversations.

‘Luke, I have to tell you something.' She looked up at him.

Luke was fearful, but he held her gaze.

‘Matt lost his baby. He was going to call her Isobel.'

He was appalled. He hadn't even thought about Matt. He had only thought about himself. ‘Poor Matt and Katherine.'

She nodded. ‘It's awful. I've been sitting up here trying to distract myself – though I do want to know what drove my grandfather to become a conservationist.'

He waited.

‘I've been thinking about poor Matt obviously,' she continued.

He nodded to acknowledge it.

‘And about your situation.' There was an uncharacteristic firmness to her tone, which Luke took as a warning.

‘Connie, I don't know why I told you what I did last night. I was drunk, definitely. I exaggerated. Please, don't start thinking—'

She held up her hand in a way that she might with one of her children. ‘Don't insult me.'

Luke decided to come out with it. ‘Please don't tell anyone, particularly Julian.'

Her expression was pained as if he had slapped her. She uncrossed her legs and quickly stood up.

‘Connie.' He was pleading with her, but for what?

She obviously thought better of storming off. ‘I was going to say, I was thinking about Matt and you, and reminding myself that you have Ella and Finn. Even Emma's extreme cruelty cannot take them away from you.'

Luke thought about the children a lot when he was low about Emma. He paused. ‘And you have your children, Connie. Julian's affairs cannot take them away.'

Connie blushed and walked past him down the stairs. Luke stood there for a few minutes, giving her time to get away. Why did he have to have a dig at Julian? It was becoming a compulsion. Did he selfishly wish Connie's marriage to be as unhappy as his own?

He sighed, but moved on to the immediate issue: he had to find Matt. As he reached the red brick path leading down to their houses, Julian walked briskly towards him. He didn't see Luke.

‘Julian?' Luke was hesitant. It was the first time he had been alone with Julian, even for a brief moment.

Julian looked up, but didn't slow down.

‘Aren't you coming riding? We're both rather late.'

Julian unusually frowned. ‘No, I'm not. Work crisis. Will you relay to the others?'

Luke nodded.

Matt opened their door only because he didn't want Katherine to be woken by the knocking. He didn't want to see Connie or Dan, whom he could visualise on the other side of the door. Matt wanted to stay wrapped round sleeping Katherine. She was the only comfort he needed now. But it wasn't Connie or Dan. It was Luke.

‘Connie told me,' Luke started. ‘How's Katherine?'

Matt sighed. ‘Asleep.' He paused, wanting to get rid of Luke, but then remembered their conversation in the bar last night.

‘Come in.' He opened the door wider to let him pass.

Luke didn't move. ‘Would it help, Matt? If not…'

‘No, please stay.' Matt realised he meant it. Luke's presence was soothing.

Luke walked as far as the terrace door. ‘Why don't we sit out here? Then we won't disturb Katherine?'

Matt appreciated his sensitivity towards her, which he rarely experienced from his friends. ‘Good idea. Coffee?'

‘Yes, but I'll make it. You go outside.'

Matt watched him quietly busy, opening up the bar and plugging in the kettle. He had always been more at ease in the kitchen than Connie. Luke joined him, bearing two coffee mugs and a pile of biscuits on a tray. He handed Matt a milky coffee. ‘I've added three sugars.'

Matt smiled. ‘Katherine has made me cut down to one.'

Luke sat down beside. ‘Well, I'm allowing you three today.'

‘Thanks, mate,' Matt lifted his mug to clink Luke's.

‘You must be devastated.'

Matt nodded. ‘We were going to call her Isobel.'

‘A beautiful name,' Luke said quietly.

‘I'm gutted, Luke. It's too large, you know, to really process.'

Luke nodded. ‘Too raw.'

‘Do you know, Luke, it's strange how things work out. We're going through this terrible ordeal together, but I feel closer to her.'

‘That's important.'

‘I realise she needs me as much as I need her. A revelation really…'

‘No surprise, Matt. You're a rock. Any intelligent woman can see that.'

Matt smiled. ‘Thank you, Luke. You are too.'

Luke gave his closed smile and shifted his gaze out to a couple of impalas grazing nearby.

‘Look, I'm sorry about Emma, Luke. Do you want to talk about what happened?'

‘Not now,' Luke stood up. ‘But I'm happy you found Katherine, Matt. Promise me, you won't let her go.'

They hardly saw a single animal on their way to the stables, shortly after Luke had made Julian's apologies. The fall in air pressure had compelled them to crouch low, close to home. All hunting trips cancelled until the storm blew over. The wind was whipping in. There was a warning grey shock of thunder on the far horizon. Gus was confident they would get their ride in before it reached Gae.

Connie explained to the rest of the group what had happened to Matt and Katherine and that they wanted to be left alone at the lodge this morning.

‘Fucking awful,' Sara said glumly, leaning over their seat.

‘It's terrible, isn't it?' insisted Lizzie, who was sitting beside Luke. ‘Can you imagine? Well, Luke, you probably can't. You have Ella and Finn.'

Lizzie was right. Luke was lucky to have Ella and Finn. And he was glad he was here for Matt. They had been close at university, but their friendship had drifted as their lives had taken them in different directions. The more successful his company was the more Luke was absorbed by it, while Matt worked methodically but uneventfully through several jobs in City law firms. They had married different kinds of women. Unsurprisingly, Annabel and Emma had disliked each other; Katherine and Emma were even more antagonistic. It made Luke happy to feel close to Matt again.

Gus dropped them at a low, immaculate building with three neat paddocks creating a tight L shape around it. Gus wasn't riding with them. Instead, he settled into his seat beside Ben, confident to wait in the vehicle with absolutely nothing to do until
they returned. Jason was leading their ride. Jason was tall and young. Jason stood too close to Connie and leaned forward too eagerly. ‘Hi, Luke, I'm Jason. More Farmer Brown than City Slicker, I'm afraid.'

Luke smiled tightly. He found himself looking at Connie again. She was wearing tight beige jeans and brown jodhpur boots. Her white cotton blouse was decorated with evenly bunched holes, which exposed a glow of tanned skin.

He looked away too late. Sara was definitely watching him.

A couple of other stable hands emerged. Chaps were found; hats and boots fitted and re-fitted, as the group sat relaxed on two wooden benches, which backed on to the white washed side of the stables. Varying factors of suncream were produced, along with a dripping bottle of water, chilled short of freezing, for each of them. They were ready.

Jason gathered them in a loose circle around him. ‘You are nine?'

Connie replied quickly. ‘No, we are down to six, I'm afraid.'

‘I have your questionnaires on your riding skills,' Jason gave a slow smile. ‘Interestingly, the men said that they are intermediate or advanced. And the women beginners.'

Riding was an interest that Luke had once shared with Connie. ‘You are certainly not a beginner,' he said to her.

Connie murmured, ‘It's been a long time. I don't think I've ridden since I was up at your parents' in Dartmoor.'

‘Why don't you ride in Oxfordshire?'

She shrugged. ‘I don't know. Julian and the kids aren't keen.'

Luke was chuffed. ‘You won't have forgotten anything. If you have ridden Sheriff, you can ride any horse.'

‘Unlike this pair of Black Beauties,' Sara joked, ‘I am an absolute beginner. Nothing understated about my testimony. The truth and nothing but the truth.'

Jason interrupted. ‘Okay, I think that I've got the picture and hopefully the right horse for each of you.'

‘A knackered, slow moving beast for me please,' interjected Sara.

It took quite a while for them to mount, fit their water bottles, cameras and phones in the storage pouches behind the saddle, adjust their stirrups, find their reins, measure them up in length, practise holding them in one hand cowboy style, and move backwards and forwards to get out of their parallel line. They slowly walked, pushing each other's horses out of the stable.

Sara caught up with Luke, less by design than by luck.

‘We must stop bumping into each other like this,' she quipped. Her face reddening.

‘Sara, you look like you have been exercising.'