The Baby Bond (20 page)

She stared at him across the divide of living and dining room. His reluctant expression terrified her.

“Nic?” What in the world was going through his head?

His chest rose and fell in a great huff of air. “Yeah, I think so.”

“What’s wrong?” She started toward him, heart thudding heavily. “Are you worried about the results?”

Surely that was it. Surely he was afraid of failing again.

“You could say that.” But his gaze slid away from hers. “Put them over there. I’ll look at them later.”

“Nic, you passed. I know you did. You studied so hard. There’s no way you didn’t do well.” She tapped his shoulder with the letter. “Come on, let’s open this so we can celebrate.”

“Leave it, Cassidy.” He yanked the envelope from her hands.

Stung, she could only stare at him, reading the truth behind his behavior.

Instantly contrite, he reached for her hands and pulled her to him. “Hey, I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to take a bite out of you.”

“When were you going to tell me?”

He couldn’t look her in the eyes. “Leave it alone, Cassidy. This is something I have to deal with.”

“I thought you wanted to go to medical school,” she said softly, longing for him to say he still did.

He pulled away to lean both hands against the divider bar. Head down, he said, “I thought so, too.”

“But you changed your mind?”

A long beat passed while she waited for an answer. Alex slammed a toy against the floor. Cars roared past on the street. And Cassidy’s heart broke.

“I know how much this means to you, Cassidy.”

Did he? Did he have any idea of the terror she felt every time he went to work? Did he know of the hopes and dreams she’d let seep into a guarded heart that knew the dangers of loving?

“You don’t want to leave the fire department,” she mumbled, almost to herself. One of them had to speak the words.

“I thought I could. I wanted to. For you. For my family…”

His voice drifted away on a tide of bewildered sadness.

“But it’s not what you want.” Tears gathered, threatening. “Is it?”

Please say I’m mistaken. Please say this is one of your silly jokes.

But she knew he was telling the truth. He had tried to be something he wasn’t for her and his family. In the process, he’d lied to them all, even himself.

“I’m sorry, Cass.”

“So am I, Nic. More sorry than I can ever say.” Sorry that there could be no future for them now.

“This doesn’t change us,” he said, pushing off the counter, his palms upright, beseeching. “We can work this out.”

As much as she longed to fall into his arms, Cassidy backed away, heart shattering like glass on tile. “There’s nothing to work out, Nic. I can’t ask you to give up the work you love any more than you can ask me to give up Alex.”

She bent to gather the baby into her arms. Lunch held no appeal for her now.

“I’d never do that.”

“Exactly. I won’t ask you to give up your career. But I can’t be a part of it, either. I can’t live like that, in constant fear for your safety, terrified every time you leave the house that you won’t come back. I can’t. Please understand,” she pleaded. “I can’t take a chance on losing anyone else.”

She had started to shake, afraid of letting him go but more afraid of staying.

He noticed and moved toward her. She held out a hand, freezing him in his tracks. If he touched her, if he held her, she might crumble, and then this scene would have to play
again. Because she couldn’t, wouldn’t, take this kind of chance. She and Alex needed a man who would always be there for them. They couldn’t bear another loss.

“So where do we go from here?” he asked quietly.

Back to being alone. Back to struggling through each day, hoping the next will be better. Back to safety.

But she only said, “I’m sorry, Nic.”

So terribly, brokenly sorry. So sorry that if she didn’t leave now she would fall into a heap and beg to stay.

His throat worked as her words soaked in. “So this is it, huh? Goodbye, adios, farewell?”

She could read the hurt and bewilderment in his eyes, see that he felt betrayed.

In that moment, she hated herself as much as she hated the tragedies that had taken her family.

With all the self-preserving strength she could muster, she reached back to open the door. Her fingers trembled against the cold knob. She gripped it hard, holding on.

“I think that’s best.” The words rasped from her tight, aching throat.

Face like flint, Nic nodded.

Alex reached for him and the stony expression cracked. With a tenderness that nearly killed her, Nic kissed Alex’s outstretched fingers and then touched her cheek. She fought not to close her eyes and lean into him. Instead, she kept her gaze trained on Alex. Looking at Nic would destroy her.

“I’m sorry, Nic,” she whispered.

“So am I, Cass. So am I.”

Blinded by a swarm of tears pushing to break free, she whirled away and rushed toward the steps leading to her apartment.

Breaking things off now was for the best. Wasn’t it?

But as she stumbled into her living room, the sobs came and didn’t stop for the longest time.

Nic kicked the door shut and stood, hands on hips, staring at the white paint. His knees trembled and his mouth was drier than the Sahara. A knot the size of Philadelphia rested just beneath his breastbone.

Stupid. He was stupid to have ever gotten involved with Cassidy in the first place. But he couldn’t leave well enough alone. He’d pushed and charmed and forced his way into her life. She hadn’t wanted him from the start. Why hadn’t he gotten the message?

Her fire phobia should have been a red alert.

Dumb Nic thought he could cure her, thought if she loved him she would trust him, and the fear would go away.

“So much for the knight in shining turnout gear.” The words meant to be sarcastic burned in his mouth as bitter as gall.

He kicked the leg of the couch. Pain shot up his foot, grimly satisfying and far less painful than a massacred heart.

He flopped into his recliner. Something shoved into his back. He reached around and withdrew a teddy bear. The anger went out of him like air from a punctured tire. He pressed the plush toy to his lips.

“I love her,” he said to the sweet-faced bear. “I know you didn’t think it was possible for a guy like me to get serious about one girl. I didn’t, either. But there you have it. I love her. I thought she felt the same. Dumb, huh?”

The teddy bear stared back at him with shiny black eyes and a red smile. Nic pressed the toy to his chest in much the same way he sometimes held Alex.

For the longest time he sat there, clutching the bear, wishing he could be what others needed him to be and wondering how he was going to laugh his way through this.

The painful truth ripped at his insides. He couldn’t. Getting over Cassidy and Alex was going to take a lot more than that.

With a heart heavier than a fire engine, he tossed the teddy bear into the basket next to his couch. As soon as the toy landed he got up and retrieved it, holding it on his lap as he’d done with Alex.

“Me and you, buddy,” he said, a depressing statement that got him thinking.

He needed friends and fun around him. That was the only cure he knew for the blues. If Cassidy didn’t want him, there were those who did, regardless of his career choice. He pulled out his cell phone and dialed.

By nightfall his apartment was rocking, packed with as many friends as he could round up on short notice. They crowded every room, talking, playing video games and jiving around to the music pumping from his stereo.

Slim Jim and Ty, another of his firefighter buddies, manned the grill, scorching burgers and dogs for the gang. Rachel, Mandy, Lacey and his other lady friends handed out chips and drinks, flirting with and teasing every guy in the place. Laughter abounded. Party Central was in full swing. Everyone was having a blast.

Everyone but the host.

“Great party, Nic.” Someone slapped him on the shoulder.

“Thanks.” He tried to smile but the action was too much work. Excusing himself, he rotated through the rooms, hoping something would snap him out of his lousy mood.

Instead, the revelry only depressed him more.

After an hour of forcing smiles he didn’t feel and telling jokes that annoyed him, Nic grabbed a Coke from an ice chest and escaped outside. He stood on the sidewalk for a minute before venturing over to the stairs leading up to Cassidy’s apartment. He stared up at the closed door. She was in there. She had to know he was having a party. She probably thought he was down here having the time of his life.

With a heavy sigh, Nic sat on the bottom step and sipped his soda. The carbonated fizz burned his throat, adding to the hot ache in his chest. Few things got him down. He was the life of the party, the fun guy.

Tonight he was dying. And he didn’t even care. The party held no charm for him. Here in the dark with cars zipping past and music floating out of his apartment, he felt more alone than he could remember. And it was his own fault.

He should have told Cassidy from the start that he didn’t want to leave the fire department. But he hadn’t known for sure until the day he’d taken the MCAT. As he’d answered question after question with surprising knowledge and insight, he’d known he was doing well. Instead of triumph, his gut had knotted with dread.

When he’d begun praying about the choice, the dread got worse.

Maybe he should go ahead with the plan anyway and become a doctor. Then everyone would be happy. His family, Cassidy, everyone. Except him.

“You’re messed up, dude,” he said to the darkness. Messed up because he loved a woman he couldn’t have and remain true to himself. Messed up because he wanted to make his parents proud, especially now that Mama was sick. She needed to know her baby boy was going to be something besides a goof-off.

He stared up into the night sky, wishing he could see the stars, but knowing they were obliterated by the city lights. God was up there somewhere. He was here, too, according to everything Nic believed, though tonight God felt far away.

“I could use some advice, Lord,” he murmured.

He downed the rest of the cola and crushed the empty can in one hand. After a minute, he rose, balanced the crooked can on a window ledge and then jogged toward the parking lot.

“You love her.” His mother’s words were a statement of fact, not a question. As always, Mama had suspected the truth, probably before he had.

“Yeah.” The admission was a lead weight.

Like he’d done as a boy when trouble came, Nic sat at the table in his parents’ terra-cotta kitchen, surrounded by the familiar trappings of his family. See-through jars of pasta lined the counter. Copper pots hung over the center island, shiny in the artificial light. The smell of chocolate chip cookies, warm from the oven, and freshly perked coffee filled the place.

When he’d asked God for advice, this had been his answer.

Just being here gave him hope that he’d get through this in one piece.

His mother and dad sat together, a united force as they’d always been, facing him. The dark circles beneath Mama’s eyes made him feel a little guilty.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have come. Mom’s not up to this.” He started to rise.

“Sit.” Dad didn’t say a lot, but he meant what he said. “Tell us what happened.”

Nic sat and let the words tumble out. When he got to the part about retaking the MCAT, his mother gasped. “And you didn’t tell us? Oh, Nicky, why?”

Before Nic could answer, his father spoke. “Rosalie, listen to what the boy is not saying.”

With a quizzical expression his mother studied his father and then him. She nodded. “I see. Yes, I see. You didn’t fail this time, but you’re not happy about it.”

More miserable than he could say, he dropped his face into his hands. “I don’t know what to do.”

“What do you want?”

There was the million-dollar question. “I want the people
I love to be happy, but I can’t be something I’m not. I thought I could, for you, for Cassidy—”

His mother placed a soft hand over his. “Stop. Look at me, Nic, and listen good.”

Nic raised his face and saw the deep love glimmering in her Sicilian eyes.

“God gave you a special gift. You bring joy just by being alive. When you arrive, the room lights up, people laugh and feel happy.”

“Nothing special about being a goof-off.”

“You see it as a goof-off, but we know better.” She patted him. “Oh, don’t misunderstand, we’ve had our concerns, but no more with you than with the other children. We’ve watched you struggle and grow and come out stronger. Under that handsome smile is the heart of a lion. Your dad and I are proud of the man you’ve become.”

Unaccustomed moisture sprang to Nic’s eyes. His parents thought that? He looked at his father and saw his mother’s remarks echoed there. “But Gabe and Adam are lawyers. I thought—” He shook his head. “I don’t know. That being a doctor would make us even.”

“We’re proud of your brothers, but what you do is just as important. Law and medicine are noble careers, but so is firefighting. If not for you, baby Alex would never have made it into the hands of a physician. You saved him first.”

He’d never looked at it that way.

“So you aren’t going to disown me if I withdraw my medical school application?” he asked, only half joking.

His dad pushed the plate of cookies toward him. “My father was a baker and his father before him was a baker. I chose to be a baker, too, not because Papa expected it, but because I wanted to. I like the smell of yeast and the feel of the dough. I like making people smile with an extra donut in the bag. I’m
a happy man, fulfilling the destiny God gave me. All I ever wanted for my children was the same—to be fulfilled and content in their lives. You don’t have to be a baker or a doctor or a lawyer. You just have to be Nic, the man God intended you to be.” Leo sat back and breathed in through his nose, his barrel chest expanding. “And I will be proud.”

The speech was one of the longest he’d ever heard from his father. Nic took a cookie, thinking of the love his parents put into everything they baked at Carano’s Bakery. He understood that kind of passion because he felt it every time he donned his uniform.