The Beginning—A Duet: Ryder & Two Worlds Colliding (25 page)

First thing in the morning, I was finding that place of my own. The place Ryder could fuck me senseless and I could scream his name without worrying about being heard. It was time.
I wanted it all.
Every orgasm, every thrust of his cock, giving in to the pleasure with abandon, screaming without restraint.

It was time to find
our
place.

We lay like that, silent, spent, the cool breeze caressing our skins, the only light in the room from the moonlight as the curtains billowed. Ryder stayed inside me and I wanted him there so I lay very still, savoring the feeling of him surrounding and filling me.

This was pure bliss. I wanted it every day for the rest of my life.

“Ryder? Can we talk?”

He pulled out of me, fluid spilling all over my beautiful Egyptian sheets. But I couldn’t have been happier. I'd rather have Ryder’s cum all over my sheets than no Ryder at all.

I turned and buried my face in his chest, inhaling his scent deeply. I loved how he smelled—manly and deeply arousing. I was tempted to lick his nipple ring, but I managed to rein my renewed desire in so that we could talk, because if I started tasting his skin, I wouldn’t stop till I’d licked his cock clean.

“What’s wrong, Princess?” he murmured, as if he was afraid of my answer.

By now I knew that I had to get straight to the point with Ryder. There was no preamble or easing into a topic. “Tell me why you ended up in juvie. What happened?”

He sucked in a breath. I felt his heart racing beneath my fingertips. Oh God, what had I done? I'd ruined the moment . . .

“We don’t always grasp other people’s pain, Ryder. Just because we can't see it, doesn’t mean they aren’t hurting. I want to understand you—and why you are wounded so deeply.”

He pressed a kiss into my forehead, but stayed silent. I didn't move because I was afraid that I’d opened a door that should’ve stayed locked. Eventually he started speaking, his voice low and sad. His story started off slow, with long silences in between, but I stayed quiet, listening, only encouraging him with my fingertips brushing over his skin.

My biker man told me a story of horror. A story of a young boy who’d been deserted by his mother and not understanding why. A boy who protected his baby brother by being willing to sacrifice his own life. I trembled in his arms, tears streaming down my face, unchecked, as he told me how he’d killed a man—his own father—to save the battered body of his little brother. How he wasn’t sure, even when he was in detention, that Max had survived, and that taking Tiny’s life had meant Max got to live.

He’d lived with that guilt for years, taking the punishment dealt out by the bullies in detention as his penance for what he’d done. He even figured that if Max had died after all, it was his fault for not killing Tiny sooner—for being afraid.

My heart broke, little by little for the boy that was Ryder Knox. His pain was so much more than mine could ever be yet he wasn’t bitter. He had tried all these years to make things right by being a wonderful brother to his new family.

When he got to the part of how he was raped by the older boys, how they were going to kill him that day, on his birthday, how they slashed his face and he nearly lost an eye, I was sobbing uncontrollably. Now it was Ryder soothing me, telling me softly that everything was OK.

His story continued. He told me how Cobra and Razor had saved him. How, if it weren’t for them, he wouldn’t be here today. I sent up a silent thank you to the gods for sending the Malone brothers into the bathroom for a pee that day, just in time to save Ryder from an agonizing end.

My fingers stroked lightly over the scar on his face. Even though it had faded over the years, the physical scar was nothing like the deep internal scar that stayed with Ryder. I reached up and kissed his brow on the spot where the scar had parted the skin and never completely knitted together again. It was even more endearing now that I finally understood where he had gotten it. It wasn’t from a fight, or from him being a rough-necked bully as I’d assumed when I first noticed it. No, it was inflicted on a young boy that should never have lived through shit like that.

Shame washed over me. I had judged Ryder on that first day without knowing his story. How quick we were, as humans, to think the worst of one another, never giving someone a chance to prove us wrong. So wrapped in our own egos that we couldn’t recognize a fellow human’s pain. So quick to jump to incorrect conclusions.

“Ryder, I'm so sorry. I had no idea how much pain you went through,” I whispered.

He let out a long, slow breath. “It’s nothing compared to the pain that is waiting for me.”

I held his cheeks between my palms, staring at his face. His eyes were hooded; I couldn’t see in the darkness. Fear gripped my heart. Something was coming that I wasn’t going to like.

“Baby, I came tonight to say goodbye.”

“No. Please—”

He placed a finger over my lips. “Hush, Princess. You must be strong. For both of us.”

“Why, Ryder? Are you going away?” My breath hitched. “
Don’t you want me?”
My bottom lip started to quiver as I fought back the tears. I’d just worked out that the feeling I’d felt was indeed love.
Yes, I loved Ryder
. With all my heart. My heart, body, and soul belonged to him. And now he was ending it. It was as if he had stabbed me with a knife and was twisting it in my heart, killing me slowly.

“Baby,” he rumbled from deep in his chest, “I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life. More than the fucking air I breathe. But it can't work between us. You warned me from the start, and you were right. I know that now. Too many people are going to get hurt, including you. I can't do that to you.”

“No Ryder, you’re wrong. I’ll hurt more if you leave me now. I’m not beyond begging, I’ll do what—”

His lips swallowed my words. Why did it feel like it was the last kiss I’d ever get from his mouth? Panic swept through me as I poured every atom of love into my kiss, hoping to God that he’d understand how much I needed him.
How much I loved him.

“I’m a worthless piece of shit. I’ve told you my story, so now you know. I'm a criminal—a killer, babe.” His voice dipped as he spoke the words. He was fighting for control. “I can never be worthy of you. I can never give you the life you deserve. As much as I hate the thought of you with Marcus, your parents are right. He is the best man for you. He can give you everything you need that I can’t.”

“You’re wrong. So wrong. Marcus can never give me what I need or want. I want
you
, Ryder.”

“Princess. You deserve so much more. Everyone is right. Even Harrison. I'm not good enough for you. And being with you places your life in danger. There are people who want to kill me. Well, after tonight, I’ll be an empty shell, so they can give it their best shot. But I will never place your life in danger. I just won't.”

“I'm begging you, Ryder. Please don’t do this . . .”

He grabbed my arms and shook me. “Do you think I want to do this? Fuck, now I’ve found what I’ve been looking for all my fucking life? Do you have any idea how hard this is?”

He let go of me so suddenly that I fell back against the pillows as he jumped off the bed. He grabbed his jeans and pulled them on, his jaw clenched with determination.

“I’ve been grappling with this for fucking days now. Since the night your brother came to the compound. Since Cobra told me to let you go. Fighting every instinct in my body to run away with you.”

“Yes. Yes, let’s do that. Fuck everything. Lets run away,” I said, hope grabbing hold of me for the first time since he’d said the word goodbye.

He laughed, a bitter, sad laugh. “Oh, Princess. And after a while, when you grow tired of me? When I can't give you everything you deserve? What then? You will grow to despise me—even
hate
me.” Like a lion in a cage, he paced the room. I held my breath, watching him get a grip on his emotions. He stood in front of the window, staring out into the darkness. With his back turned to me, it was hard to know what he was thinking. My heart ached for him. And for me. How could I make him believe that all I wanted was
him
?

His voice floated across the room. “It’s better this way. We’re from different worlds, and they can never intercept one another. Trust me on this—its best to say goodbye.”

The bed dipped as he sat on the edge to pull on his socks. I crawled to the end of the mattress wrapping my arms around his torso, hugging him from behind. My heart was breaking, but there was nothing I could do to stop him. I knew he was stubborn. Tenacious. The more I begged, the more he’d be certain it was the right thing to do.

“Baby, I’ll let you go because I know you’re struggling with this. And you won't be ready to accept my love till you’ve figured it out. I love you Ryder.” I stroked his chest with my fingertips.

“I'm no good for you.” he murmured.

“You, Ryder Knox, are a brave man. You were a fearless boy who grew up to be a spectacular man. A man worthy of love and happiness. And certainly worthy of my love.” Pressing my palm against his heart, I could feel it beating wild and fast.

I had to convince him that I wasn’t judging him. “Your heart is
good
, because even though you did terrible things, your intentions were right. If placed in the same position, anyone who loved their brother as much as you do would’ve done the same.”

His gruff voice had a hard edge. “I killed a man.”

How could I melt his resolve? I let out a long slow breath, steadying my nerves as I continued. “Don’t be so hard on yourself. Often, we are our own worst enemy.” I closed my eyes and placed my cheek on his back. “We’re hardest on ourselves. Even when others are willing to forgive us, we still beat ourselves up. It’s human nature.”

“Bitch, you don’t know what you’re saying.” His voice was hard, cold, even. I knew he was hurting so badly that he needed to put up this front.

“It’s OK, Ryder. You can pretend you don’t love me, but I know better. You’re just trying to protect me. It’s what you do best. And I love you even more for it. I believe in you.”

He sucked in a breath.

“I know we can make it work. All we need is
love
, and one another. I need nothing more than that. I don’t need material stuff. I need the love of a man who worships me. That’s what I want.
You,
Ryder.”

He stiffened. Although he wasn’t saying a word, I prayed that he was taking it all in. He had to know how I felt about him, especially after divulging his past. He was damaged, and I wanted to help him heal. I'd spend the rest of my life helping him mend.

“I'm not giving up on you. Ever. Take the time you need, go ride your bike to wherever.” Was I really telling him to go away? It was the
last
thing I wanted him to do. I sighed, weariness overcoming me. If only he wasn’t so stubborn.

“Listen to your heart. It never lies. It knows all the answers. We were brought to one another for a reason—our worlds collided because we belong together. I love you, Ryder Knox. Everything you are—the good and the bad. I want nothing more—only your love. When you’re ready, I’ll be here. Because I’m
never
giving up on us.”

He loosened my arms from around his waist and rose from the bed. He stood over me, looking down, his gaze drifting over my naked body—the body he had just fucked and was now rejecting.

His eyes were hard. “Princess. You’re wrong.
I don’t love you
. You're a good fuck, I’ll admit that much.” His lips pulled into a snarl. “But I tire quickly of fucking the same woman. You were nothing more than a challenge. I needed to break that haughty uptight bitch down to size. Now I’ve done that, I'm satisfied.” He licked his lips.

All I could do, was stare at him, stunned. My blood ran cold.

“Go marry Marcus. He’s what a bitch like you deserves. I’m out of here. Thanks for the fuck tonight, I’ll put your notch on my bedpost.”

How could he be so cruel? The stabbing pain in my heart was unbearable. I clutched the sheets in my fists, recoiling from his words.

He laughed bitterly as he pulled his tee over his head and disappeared from my bedroom, the same way as he had appeared. Unexpectedly.

If Ryder’s intention was to shred my heart as payback for judging him, he’d done a damn fine job of it.

I was broken. Empty.
Shattered
.

By Ryder Knox—the man I loved with all my heart.

How fucked up was that?

R
azor slammed his fists on the table. “Fuck no! I don’t accept this shit. This is a truckload of crap and you know it.” He glared at his brother, nostrils flaring, fists balled as he challenged Cobra. “I won't have some smartass cop dictate my fucking life. No, and fucking hell no!” he roared.

When Razor got mad, it was futile to attempt to calm him. It only fueled his anger. Besides, I was just as infuriated as he was. Brother’s bitches were always welcome at the clubhouse and compound, and now Cobra and the other patched members wanted to place a ban on new women coming in. They may as well have named them directly. We all knew it was Jade and Lexi that were the problem. All because of Jade’s fucking snooping brother.

“Razor. Reel it in, man. It’s best for the club. For everybody.” Cobra gave Razor the death stare. He was asserting himself as president, and final decision-maker. “Sit down. Both of you.” He grumbled at Razor and myself. I hadn’t even realized I’d risen from my chair, I was that worked up.

Cobra sighed. “It’s because Summers interfered with the weapons deal we had going with the Northern Commando MC that it went fucking sour. My informant also said Summers initiated the fucking raid by the LA Demons. Motherfucker Summers has a death wish. He was trying to get the two MC clubs to fight one another in the hopes we’d wipe each other out, and save him the trouble.”

“I say we put a hit on the motherfucker. It’s time to get rid of him.” Razor’s solution to most obstacles was simply to get rid of the source of the problem. It usually worked for him, too.