The Best Kind of Trouble (19 page)

I stood still, my back still facing him. I didn’t know what to feel or think. His explanation made my mind spin as I recounted every conversation. Every moment.

“Ashley, please turn around and look at me.”

Gradually, I turned to face him, looking up at him through my tears. He cupped my face in his hands and stroked his thumbs across my cheeks, catching my tears. Slowly, his lips lowered and he softly kissed me. It was barely a touch of his lips, a moment of connection before he pulled away.

I took a step back, confused and upset, I didn’t trust myself to be this close to him.  Not with my emotions so raw and frayed.  I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to make sense of what he was telling me. But something wasn’t adding up.

“Nate, I don’t understand. She
was
pregnant? Did she have the baby? Are you—” I swallowed, unable to finish that sentence. I lowered my gaze to my feet.

Something he said niggled the back of my mind.

“Nate, if she told you then, then why did you keep seeing me? Why did you—”

Why did you make love to me?
I choked on the words.

Nathan took a deep breath.  “I didn’t want to believe her. And I was selfish. I wanted you. I loved you. I—”

I couldn’t hear anymore. I didn’t need to relive that day.

I sighed, “Nate, why are you even here?”

He didn’t answer, but when I looked up at him, he was staring at me intently.

“You know why, Ash.”

My brows knitted together and I studied his serious expression.

“Why? So you could apologize? So you could explain? So you could get some fucked up sense of closure or feel forgiven?” My voice rose as I continued my rant.  “So you could be my knight in shining armor? You just swoop in whenever you think I need you, and then leave again.”

I huffed, anger suddenly overshadowing all the pain and confusion.  “So that I can never really get over you? Is that why?”

Nathan grabbed me by my arms and leaned down until we were eye to eye. “What is so wrong with any of those things, Face?  Yes, I wanted to apologize.  Yes, I thought you deserved an explanation.  Yes, I hope to be forgiven.”

He let go of my arms and threw his arms out wide. “And yes, I wanted to comfort you. To be the one you need. The one here for you.”

Tears stung my eyes.

He pounded one fist against his chest. His voice was deep and wavered with emotion. “Because you are the one I need. The one I will always want.”

My tears spilled over and ran down my flushed cheeks.

“And I can’t lie Ash,” he said, lowering his voice to a harsh whisper.  “I don’t want you to get over me. Ever.”

He cupped my cheeks in his large warm hands and bent to kiss me.  His lips stopped just a breath from mine as he held my gaze.

“But that’s not why I came here today.”

I swallowed hard, rooted to the spot. With wide eyes and a quivering lip, I asked, “It’s not?”

“No.”

“Then why?”

He brushed his lips over mine once, twice, then pulled back just enough to meet my eyes again. 

“Because I
still
love you.”

I sucked in a sharp breath. My whole world narrowed as the moment between us came into sharp focus.

Nathan and I stood there staring at each other, our lips millimeters apart, both of us holding our breath. Our hearts pulsed loudly in the silence that followed his confession.

His declaration.

It felt like a gauntlet.

“Ashley!” Katie hollered loudly—and a bit drunkenly—as she walked in the front door. Nathan and I jumped apart, the moment shattered into tiny shards of glass. “Come on girl, we’re—”

She stopped short when she saw Nathan and me in the hallway. Her eyes went wide and her mouth popped open. Drew was right behind her.  Along with Chase and the rest of Drew’s band.

“I, uh…I just have to…I’ll be right back,” I stammered, as I fled the awkwardness and shut myself in my room. I leaned my head against the door and tried to catch my breath.

Because I love you.

Those four words echoed in my mind. Over and over again.

A tentative knock brought me back to the present. I stepped away from the door and opened it slowly.

“Ashley?” Nathan asked. He stepped into my room and I could see the concern etched in his features. The fear and worry and longing shone brightly in his eyes.

After a few seconds ticked by, Nathan gently closed the door behind him and I was overwhelmed with the memories of him and me in that room.

He closed his eyes a moment and I wondered if he felt them too. He took a couple of deep measured breaths, seemingly trying to gather himself. When he opened his eyes they were cautious but determined.

Nathan stepped slightly closer to me and then stuffed his hands in the pockets of his jeans.

“I’m not asking for you to take me back,” he started and nearly choked.  “I just want to be here for you. That’s all.”

His words surprised me. Nathan stood there, tall and broad and vulnerable.  His blue eyes were soft and imploring.

“That’s all?” I asked.

He nodded. I took a deep breath and then rubbed my palms over my eyes.

“Can we just watch a movie in here?” I asked.

Nathan nodded and so I moved my lap top to my nightstand and made room for him on my bed. He settled onto the mattress, keeping a few inches of space between us. Maybe it was a bad idea, but right then I didn’t care. The strength and connection he was offering was too tempting.

~000~

Thirty minutes into the movie I’d selected, I started fidgeting.  I wanted to scoot closer.  I wanted to crawl up beside him and have him cuddle me, wrapping his big strong arms around me to hold me together.

But I knew I shouldn’t. 

Another thirty minutes passed, and Nathan sighed loudly, then reached over and set his hand on my bouncing knee.

“What’s wrong, Face?” Nathan asked, turning to look me in the eye.  I looked away and blushed. Nathan chuckled, grabbed my chin and gently turned my gaze back on him.  “Tell me.”

My face heated up as I struggled to find the right words.  When none came, I gave up and scooted closer until I was pressed up against his side.  I laid my head on his chest and he slowly wrapped one arm around me.

The feel of him, the smell of him, was so familiar and soothing.  I took a few deep breaths and then let my eyes flutter close. I fell into a dreamless sleep wrapped up in Nathan’s arms.

~000~

When I woke up the next morning, I had a lot of questions.  They were like an angry swarm of wasps buzzing around inside my skull. My room was brightly lit, flooded with mid-morning sunshine. Nathan’s arms were tightly wound around me and my head lay on his chest.

I lay there for several minutes, well past when I noticed his breathing had changed. I knew he was awake, but for several minutes I lay there, frozen, letting question after question run through my mind.

Finally, I whispered, “Why are you here?”

Nathan cleared his throat and then said, “I told you last night. I—”

“No, that’s not what I meant,” I stopped him.  I didn’t want to hear him say he loved me again.  I couldn’t.  Not while I was warm and wrapped up in his arms.  If he said it now, I might just believe in fairytales again.

And forget about Caleb.

I swallowed hard, remembering the last time I’d seen him.

My stomach churned.

“Where’s the baby? And your…girlfriend?” I stuttered.

Nathan sighed, then shifted.  His hand moved from its place on my hip, up my arm and then he cupped my cheek, tilting my chin up.  He looked sleepy and sexy with his hair all mussed up and his eye lids heavy.

“She’s not my girlfriend,” he said, his voice low and deep. “And the baby wasn’t mine.  I found out the day after he was born.  They did a DNA test in the hospital.”

My eyes widened.

“So, what,” I responded, feeling my anger rise. I sat up, and wiggled out of his embrace. “You just dumped her and then come back here wanting me to give you another chance?! After you lied and—”

“No, Face.  It’s not—” he blew out an exaggerated breath and ran his hand though his hair.  He looked back at me, looking lost and defeated.  “I had no agenda coming here, baby. I was just worried about you. That’s all. Because I—”

I squeezed my eyes shut and held my hands to my ears. “No! Please…don’t.”

My heart beat hard and fast and fresh tears pricked my eyes. I was sure then, he was going to press me like he did last night. That he was going to fight for what he wanted.

When he merely sighed, pulled on his clothes and shoes and started to leave, my heart broke all over again.

Why did he really come here? Did he see the picture?

My eyes flew open, landing on his retreating back.  Just as his hand twisted the knob, I asked, “Did you just come here because you knew I was with another guy?”

Nathan didn’t turn around but his shoulders tensed and his head dropped.  He gripped the back of his neck with his free hand and squeezed.

My nostrils flared.  “Is that what this is?” Dammit. My voice sounded high pitched betraying my ragged emotions.  “Some caveman thing?”

Nathan shook his head.  Turning around, I gasped at the intense blueness of his eyes. “Are you with him, Ashley?”

“I, uh—”

He took a step toward me. “Are you?” 

“I…it’s complicated. You—”

“What, Face? Tell me.”

I shook my head and dashed away the tears that had leaked from my eyes. “You just what you can’t have.”

He made a noise of disgust low in his throat. “What do you want me to say, baby?  I couldn’t stand seeing you with another man,” he said.  “That picture…” his face visibly paled.  “God,” he whispered. “It broke my fuckin’ heart.”