The Best of Times: A Dicken's Inn Novel (15 page)

“How can I help them when I can’t even stand up straight?”

“You’re still in shock. You need some time. A day will come when you’ll know what to do, and you’ll understand why you’re still alive. With any luck it will have something to do with me.”

Jackson pondered the implication and felt strangely comforted. Whether or not she ended up a part of his future, the hope of that possibility gave him something to live for, as opposed to just staying alive. “With any luck,” he repeated with conviction. He recounted the way she had responded to his grief and felt in awe that any person could be so good. He had to ask, “What is it about you that makes it so easy for you to be so . . . kind? So understanding? So compassionate?”

She tipped her head as if it were nothing, then she said, “Christ taught that we should mourn with those that mourn, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort. It’s just the way I believe we should live.”

“Your grandmother told me you’re a Christian woman. She’s right, of course.”

She pressed a hand to the side of his face. “It’s no sacrifice to behave that way when you love someone.”

Jackson sat up and turned to face her. “Do you, Chas? Do you really?”

“I do, Jackson,” she said, taking his face into her hands. “I love you.”

He let her words fill him, then he wrapped her in his arms and buried his face in her hair. “I’m so glad,” he murmured, “because I love you, too. I don’t know how I ever survived without you.”

Chas held him close and reminded herself that he was grieving and in shock. She didn’t question his feelings or his sincerity. But she had to be prepared for the likelihood that once he found his footing again he would go back to his old life, and he would find a way to survive without her. In the meantime, she was glad to have him here, and prayed that she could help him find his way through the swamps of grief that had engulfed him this day.

CHAPTER 10

“I need to check on Granny and help her with a couple of things,” Chas said, easing away from Jackson. “Will you be okay for a little while?”

“Of course,” he insisted. “Thank you . . . for listening . . . for caring . . . for being wiser than I am.”

“I don’t know about that last part. But you’re welcome on the others.” She kissed his cheek. “I won’t be far. Let me know if you need me.”

He nodded, and she left the room. When the reality of what had happened descended over him again, he laid back on the couch and covered his eyes. He couldn’t believe it. He just couldn’t believe it.

* * * * *

“Is something wrong?” Granny asked Chas when she came into the room.

Chas gave her a brief explanation, then helped her get cleaned up and out of her pajamas. While Granny was in the bathroom, Chas checked on Jackson. He was either asleep or pretending to be, so she left him alone. Once Granny was dressed for the day and her hair combed and teeth brushed, she insisted that Chas help her into the wheelchair and take her into the parlor. They entered quietly, not wanting to disturb Jackson’s rest, then Chas left her there while she took care of some things that needed her attention.

Jackson realized he’d been dozing and wondered how he could possibly sleep under the circumstances. But then all of that emotion had surely sucked the strength out of him. He opened his eyes and found Granny sitting in her wheelchair, watching him.

“Who let you out?” he asked, knowing that she knew him well enough to understand his humor.

“I thought maybe you could use a friend.”

“I won’t argue with that.”

“You look terrible,” she said as he sat up.

“Well, thank you very much, Granny,” he said with light sarcasm. “You look old enough to be my grandmother.”

“That I am. So listen to an old woman who has seen a thing or two of how ugly this world can be. Some memories will always be bad, and no matter how much time passes, if you think of those things, it will sting. But they grow more distant, and distance has a way of making things fade. Distance gives perspective.”

“Is that coming from experience or—”

“My brother was killed in the war. You don’t have to do much math to know I mean the first world war. He was older than me. I loved him, looked up to him. The wood box he came home in was never opened. They said we wouldn’t have recognized him. I had nightmares over it for months. Couldn’t talk about it for years. This world can be an ugly place, young man.”

“Yes, it can.”

“You know more about that than most people. You probably have a lot of memories that sting.”

“I’m afraid I do, but this is a tough one.”

“I can well imagine. If I had to go through losing my brother again, there’s one thing I would have done differently.”

“What’s that?”

“I would have tried to have more faith, more hope. I would have tried to see the joy in life that I was missing because I was too busy feeling sorry for myself. One day, years after his death, I realized that I shouldn’t feel sorry for him. He was at peace. He was in a better place. I’ve never been one to go to church much, but I believe that Jesus did what He said He did. I believe He’ll take care of all the things we can’t fix in this life. If I’d believed that back then, I think I would have gotten through it a lot easier.” She paused and gave him a hard stare. “Chas taught me that. There’s a difference in missing someone you love, and allowing grief to destroy your life and rob you of your peace. She knows that difference. You could learn a lot from her. I did.”

Jackson took her frail hand and kissed it. “Thank you, Granny. You
and
your granddaughter have both been a great blessing in my life.”

“And the other way around,” she said, which surprised him. “It’s going to be okay, but while it doesn’t feel like it ever will be, you know where to find me.”

“Thank you,” he said again.

They talked for a few more minutes, then he took her to her room and helped her to the other chair, which was more comfortable. He found Chas in the office, and she came to her feet when she saw him. He eagerly took the embrace she offered, holding her in silence for long moments while he could almost feel her strength seeping into him.

“You okay?” She took a step back and looked up at him.

“I think I’m in shock at the moment, which is probably good. I need to make some phone calls. I should do it while I can sound rational.”

“You didn’t eat. Can I get you something?”

“No, thank you. I don’t think I can eat right now. I know where to find food when I’m hungry. I’ll be fine.”

She touched his face. “I’m not going anywhere, so let me know if you need anything—anything at all.”

“I’ll let you know,” he said. “Thank you.” He kissed her brow. “Granny said I could learn a lot from you. She’s right, of course. She’s always right.”

“Whether she’s right or not, she’ll insist that she is.”

“Ninety-three years should earn someone that privilege.”

“I suppose.”

“Will there be guests this evening?”

“Yes; four rooms rented tonight besides yours. And my home teachers are coming this evening, but they usually don’t stay long.” At his confusion she clarified, “It’s a church thing. Two men are assigned to each household to pay a monthly visit. They give a spiritual message and just make sure everything’s all right. They’re coming at seven. You’re welcome to join us, or you can hide.”

“Okay,” he said and went upstairs to his room. Now that he knew what had happened, he felt the need to speak with every member of the team, and a few other people as well. He wasn’t able to talk to the two men in the hospital, but he talked to others who had seen them and got a detailed report. With some of these people he knew they needed
him
to be strong, and he knew how to do that. With others he could be a little more open and tell them he was struggling to cope with this. But he realized through every conversation that there was no one with whom he could completely be himself. He was the one who had established the dynamics of these relationships. He’d kept himself closed off and independent all these years for a reason. He’d never wanted the people he worked with to know too much, or care too much. And now, during the worst tragedy that had ever occurred among this group of people, he felt incapable of communicating to them what he really felt. Only Chas, a stranger until recently, could see what this had really done to him. And her Granny, of course. On both counts he felt grateful.

When there was no one else to call, Jackson realized he was feeling nauseous again, and it would probably be wise to get something to eat, even if he didn’t feel like it. In the hallway he met Chas, who was carrying a tray.

“What are you doing?” he asked.

“I was bringing you something to eat.”

“I was going down to get something,” he said and took the tray. “You didn’t have to do that.”

“I wanted to,” she said.

“Thank you. If I take it back downstairs, will you keep me company while I eat?”

“I would love to,” she said. “Let’s take the elevator.”

“There’s an elevator?” She led the way around the corner, and he observed, “So there is.”

Jackson felt a little better after he’d eaten and told Chas about the conversations he’d been having. The shock he felt was still intact, but he preferred it that way. He just hoped when he exploded again, he could handle it.

When suppertime came Jackson wasn’t hungry yet, but he made it a point to be reading the newspaper in the parlor at seven when the home teachers came. His curiosity was a strong motivator. It also helped distract him from thinking about things he’d rather not think about right now. He heard the doorbell ring, then saw Chas go down the hall. She stopped and took a step back when she saw him.

“Oh, hi,” she said. “Are you going to join us?”

“Unless you don’t want me to.” He set the paper aside.

“I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t,” she said and went to get the door.

Jackson heard voices in the hall as greetings were exchanged, then Chas walked into the room with two men, dressed casually, who both looked fairly ordinary. His immediate assessment was that one probably worked in a cubicle; very smart, but not very social. This he could tell from the pale color of his skin, the look of his hands, and the evidence that he had worked in the clothes he was wearing. He held back and didn’t make eye contact when they came into the room and saw someone different there. The other was a blue-collar worker, probably in some kind of construction, and self-assured. This he could also tell by the condition of his hands and the look of his skin. And the fact that he had obviously showered and changed his clothes before going out for the evening. He stepped forward with a smile and held out his hand to Jackson before they were even introduced. Jackson came to his feet and took the firm handshake.

“Hi, I’m Ron,” he said.

“This is Jackson Leeds,” Chas said. “He’s a guest at the inn, but he’s more on a lengthy retreat than just a short getaway.”

“Nice to meet you, Jackson,” Ron said. He motioned to the other man who pushed his glasses up his nose and held out his hand with some hesitance. “This is Jerry.”

“Hello,” Jerry said, and Jackson nodded. The visitors sat on one couch. Jackson sat back down, and Chas sat beside him. Jackson was asked questions about where he was from, what he did for a living, and if he was enjoying his stay. When the subject of the FBI came up, it sparked interest and questions, as it usually did, but Jackson was used to that. Ron gave a brief spiritual message, which included a little story about a boy being saved from a terrible accident by a prompting from the Holy Ghost. Jackson listened and nodded occasionally, feeling a little dazed over such a concept. It felt like a foreign language to him. But then, his brain was naturally more foggy today than usual, so he didn’t give the matter much thought. They asked Chas how she was getting along and if she needed help with anything. She assured them that she was doing fine and reached for Jackson’s hand as she said it. He didn’t know if she’d done it unconsciously, or if she wanted these men to know there was something romantic going on. Either way he welcomed her touch and her reassurance that he was part of her life. Before the men stood to leave, one of them said a prayer. Once they were on their feet, Ron stepped toward Jackson and once again shook his hand, saying that it was a pleasure to meet him and he hoped that his stay would be pleasant. He told Jackson that Chas was a wonderful woman, almost as if he were congratulating them on a forthcoming marriage and he was thrilled to know she’d found someone. Jackson felt warmed by the apparent acceptance and approval, but he was more interested in the fact that Jerry was talking quietly with Chas and that she looked mildly annoyed. While he was pretending to listen to Ron, his ear tuned discreetly to the other conversation, startled to hear this man say to Chas with astonishment, “You’re dating a nonmember?”

He waited to hear what Chas would say, but she stepped farther away before she said it, and he couldn’t hear her. After Chas had shown them to the door and locked it, she returned to the parlor to find him sitting there. She sat beside him and took his hand, saying gently, “You okay?”

“It’s been a long day,” he said and turned to look at her. He had to know. “Is it against your religion to marry someone outside of your religion?”

She looked alarmed, then disgusted. “You heard what he said to me.”

“Only one sentence. What I want to know is what you said in return that you didn’t want me to hear.” She sighed and looked away. How could he not ask, “Is this something that would inevitably come between us?”

“No,” she said and looked at him again. “If I believed it would inevitably come between us, I would have brought it up before now, I can assure you. I told him that I appreciated his concern on my behalf, but I am an adult and not interested in his opinions on my personal life. He’s a kind man, but he’s not very tactful. Mormons come in all types, just like any other religion in the world. He just happens to be a little stuffy and dogmatic. That doesn’t make him a bad person. Just a little . . . annoying sometimes.”

“Okay, so you told him to mind his business. Now, I need to know why he would bring it up like that. I know practically nothing about your religion. I’ve encountered religious issues that have come up in my work, but never with this religion. I respect your beliefs, even though I don’t know what they are. I just have to know if this relationship has the potential to cause problems for you.”

“And if it did?”

“I don’t know. I just think that it needs to be considered while we discuss potentially life-altering decisions.”

“How can we possibly begin to know at this point if we could ever create a future together?”

“We will never know if we don’t discuss the pros and cons. Talk to me.”

Chas leaned back and sighed again. “Like every religion, we are encouraged to marry someone who shares our beliefs. Obviously, having religious beliefs in common is a good thing. We believe in the concept of eternal marriage, that when a marriage takes place in one of our temples, by the proper authority, it will last beyond the grave. But obviously that doesn’t happen if both parties are not members in good standing.”

“Is that how you married Martin?” he asked, wondering if she still considered herself married to a man who was dead.

“No. I wasn’t a Mormon when I married him. Ironically, he
was
a member. He’d grown up in the Church. But he didn’t live his religion, and it wasn’t an issue. After he died, his family and members of the Church were very kind to me. So, I investigated and realized that what they teach is true. I knew it was the right thing to make it a part of my life. It’s given me a great deal of peace. It’s a big part of my life. I can’t deny that I would like to be married to someone who shares those beliefs. If I get married again, I would like it to be forever. But I will not force my religious beliefs on you or any other man. Embracing religion is not something that anyone should ever do for someone else, or for the wrong reasons. It has to be between God and the individual. If I have children I will raise them with the gospel, and I would expect their father to support me in that. I would prefer that he go to church with us, as opposed to sending us without him, but it’s not in me to be a nag or try to rob someone of their free agency. I live my life by prayer and trying to listen to the guidance of the Holy Ghost—just like he talked about in the lesson tonight. I would never make any significant decision in my life without an undeniable affirmation that it was what God wanted me to do.”